Bleeding, Sneezing, and Squeezing

"Please don't let my bleeding snatch scar all these children for life!"

This thought ran through my head at lightening speed this afternoon.  Let me explain. . .

I'm starting to feel like bleeding out of my vadge is the new normal for me.  Yep, I started bleeding - not merely spotting - to such an extent that I'm inclined to proclaim that my period has finally arrived.  Adding to the joyous event (that's sarcasm!) is that I haven't been at home and I've been managing the mess downstairs while staying with my in-laws and while traveling hundreds of miles by car with my two young children in tow.  Yee-haw. . .now that's a freaking party!

Can I be serious for just a moment?  I think I hate the Mirena IUD.  Not like I hate cleaning the lint trap of the dryer or like I hate having to go to the mall.  Those are more like minor annoyances.  No, I think I hate my IUD a bit more than that.  I hate it on a far deeper level.  I don't feel the same way about it as I do about Stalin, Mao, or Hitler, but it's pretty close.  I hate my IUD as much as I hate whiney douches who wear Che shirts while sipping lattes, smoking cloves, and bitching about the system.  I'm still waiting to feel the IUD love. . .and it keeps giving me the finger.  This naturally means that I'll fall in love with it because I have historically demonstrated that I am unable to fall in love with and pick winners.  Except my hubs - he's the olive in my martini. 

Part of my travel plans included a couple of days in Las Vegas.  My older son was super-excited because the pool was open.  Heck, I was excited too!  Amazingly enough, hotel pools are closed nearly every time we travel.  I know it sounds like a BS excuse that parents give their kids to not go to the pool, but it kills me that we never get to swim because I'm a great big ol' water baby myself and swim time means that bedtime comes earlier than normal.  Party, indeed!

So the boys and I were going to go for a dip in the pool and I was all thrilled until I realized that this meant that my leaking ladyparts required the use of something other than my standard go-to mama cloth so I decided to use the Instead cups.  I know that I've raved about the Diva Cup time and again on this blog, but I've not been able to comfortably remove it since the birth of my last child and it was easier to pack a few Insteads instead.  I packed them in hopes of finding an open pool and I was glad that I didn't waste 2 inches of suitcase space on something that was unnecessary.

I have probably mentioned my mishaps in using the Instead.  It looked like a crime scene in that bathroom after the slippery little sucker slipped from my grasp!  Also, it should be criminal to put champagne-colored carpet in a bathroom! 

One friend dropped her Instead in the stall while using the restroom at the movies.  She kicked it away and hustled buns out of there and I honestly can't think of a better course of action while facing such a tragedy.  I have heard from a different friend that she sneezed out an Instead.  In line at a store.  While wearing white pants!!

It's starting to sound like Insteads should come with a warning label and certain shame and mortification will result from their use.

With all this in mind, I still went ahead and chose to use an Instead because, well, WTF was I supposed to use?  I find insertion of the Instead to be significantly easier than the Diva and that was no problem.  I was fairly confident that I wouldn't have any leaking issues since my flow is significantly lighter than "normal" and I eagerly went down to the pool with my boys. 

I was holding my baby while walking toward the kiddie pool and I sneezed.  Then I sneezed again.  And again. 

Oh, crap!

My friend's bloody horror story ran through my mind in an instant and I squeezed the heck out of my bits because I didn't want to sneeze the damn thing out.  I was sure the entire pool was watching me so I kept on walking.  Just a little more gingerly than a few seconds earlier.  I mean, who wants a cup of blood to pour out on the crotch of their hilariously inappropriate white bikini? 

I slipped in the kiddie pool with the babe in arms and wondered if I could get away with discreetly fishing around up there to see if my sneezing somehow had dislodged my cup.  I decided against it because I didn't want to risk getting busted for fingering myself in front of a group of kids.  With my shit luck on stuff like this, I have no doubt it would have been the result.

I decided to sit on the side of the pool and began working my muscles.  Over and over and over again.  I rhythmically began the squeezing & releasing that I knew would help pull that bad boy back up where it needed to be in order to avoid any poolside mortification.  Eventually, I was certain that all was as it should be and I slipped back in the water with the baby (who was fussing and struggling to get away from my grasp the entire time!) and we all enjoyed several hours in the pool.

Have you ever had a hilariously embarrassing mishap?  Don't hold back. . .I keep it real and you can too!  Share in the comments so we all can revel in it!

Happiness Tied to Sadness

One of my brother's children is out for a long desired visit.  They had never met before, but I'm pretty sure my son has a new best friend!  The kiddo wakes up and asks if he'll be seeing "cousin" at Grandma & Grandpa's that day.  He had the best fun today while cousin was trying to teach him how to swim.

Watching them play in the pool today was sweet, but it did leave me feeling a tender pang because I wish that my brother had been able to meet my boy.  The age difference between our kids is greater than the age difference that separated us, but I couldn't help thinking that the two of them playing was probably very similar to how we played together in our youth. . .so many years ago.  It's been over ten months and I still miss him so much that I find myself silently crying as I drift off to sleep at least one or two times per week.

Sometimes happiness brings up sadness and that was certainly the case while I was watching our kids today.

Swimming Pools - So Fun, So Troublesome

Like boats and RVs, I think that swimming pools are a so-called luxury item that are far better in theory than in reality. Whenever we've looked at buying another house, my main interest (beyond specific geographic location) are one-level structures with no pool. The rest of it is somewhat negotiable to me.

Pool owners generally entertain frequently. I wonder, did they like entertaining and chose to purchase a house with a pool for that reason? Or do people sniff out invitations to come use their pool so they are somewhat forced to entertain often?

I like entertaining, but I'd be a nervous wreck if I owned a pool. I like being in the water and I'd probably swim nearly year-round, but I see it as a huge liability. All it takes is one guest to crack their head, one kid to drown, one accident of any kind to cause your insurance premiums to increase. Or worse, to cause your insurance company to drop your coverage. I'm not even going to cover the hassle (or expense) of maintenance. They just seem like a huge pain.

My son can't swim yet, but he sure does love being in the water. The other day, I tossed some pool floats in the car for some reason and he took that to mean that we were going swimming at Grandma & Grandpa's house. He flipped out when he realized that we weren't going swimming after all.

I told my parents about his meltdown and they said I should come over "anytime" to go swimming. This is weird to me because I'm not a user. If I show up with my kiddo to go swimming, we're basically using my parents and I'm not okay with that. Being invited is one thing. Inviting yourself is, in my mind, very rude - even if they say to do so.

My parents have a great pool. Actually, they have three; two smaller and one that is enormous. Before anyone wonders why I've never invited them to swim, please understand that it's not my pool. Also, their association is incredibly uptight about how many guests can be at the pool at one time. A maximum of four people from any one residence are allowed in at any one time. Yes, they have a guard who checks. I guess if you have a few kids and live at this complex, someone will have to sit outside the fence and stare with envy!

I gripe all Summer about how hot it is where we live. I was looking at above-ground pools the other day. . .thinking of the possibilities. However, my husband is absolutely dead-set against above-ground pools. To his way of thinking, we might as well stick a rusting Ford pickup on blocks in our front yard if we're going to put an above-ground pool in our backyard. I'm not in agreement and I campaigned hard for one of these dang pools, but he ultimately won.

So where does this leave me? Since I won't have a regular pool and my husband won't have an above-ground pool, I only have a few options. 1) I can rudely show up to swim at my parents house, 2) I can let the kiddo splash in his baby pool while I sweat to death on the grass, or 3) I can just shut my pie-hole & stay indoors since our AC works great. Options 2 and 3 seem to be winning out.

What would you do? Am I missing an obvious solution? Any suggestions?