Bleeding, Sneezing, and Squeezing

"Please don't let my bleeding snatch scar all these children for life!"

This thought ran through my head at lightening speed this afternoon.  Let me explain. . .

I'm starting to feel like bleeding out of my vadge is the new normal for me.  Yep, I started bleeding - not merely spotting - to such an extent that I'm inclined to proclaim that my period has finally arrived.  Adding to the joyous event (that's sarcasm!) is that I haven't been at home and I've been managing the mess downstairs while staying with my in-laws and while traveling hundreds of miles by car with my two young children in tow.  Yee-haw. . .now that's a freaking party!

Can I be serious for just a moment?  I think I hate the Mirena IUD.  Not like I hate cleaning the lint trap of the dryer or like I hate having to go to the mall.  Those are more like minor annoyances.  No, I think I hate my IUD a bit more than that.  I hate it on a far deeper level.  I don't feel the same way about it as I do about Stalin, Mao, or Hitler, but it's pretty close.  I hate my IUD as much as I hate whiney douches who wear Che shirts while sipping lattes, smoking cloves, and bitching about the system.  I'm still waiting to feel the IUD love. . .and it keeps giving me the finger.  This naturally means that I'll fall in love with it because I have historically demonstrated that I am unable to fall in love with and pick winners.  Except my hubs - he's the olive in my martini. 

Part of my travel plans included a couple of days in Las Vegas.  My older son was super-excited because the pool was open.  Heck, I was excited too!  Amazingly enough, hotel pools are closed nearly every time we travel.  I know it sounds like a BS excuse that parents give their kids to not go to the pool, but it kills me that we never get to swim because I'm a great big ol' water baby myself and swim time means that bedtime comes earlier than normal.  Party, indeed!

So the boys and I were going to go for a dip in the pool and I was all thrilled until I realized that this meant that my leaking ladyparts required the use of something other than my standard go-to mama cloth so I decided to use the Instead cups.  I know that I've raved about the Diva Cup time and again on this blog, but I've not been able to comfortably remove it since the birth of my last child and it was easier to pack a few Insteads instead.  I packed them in hopes of finding an open pool and I was glad that I didn't waste 2 inches of suitcase space on something that was unnecessary.

I have probably mentioned my mishaps in using the Instead.  It looked like a crime scene in that bathroom after the slippery little sucker slipped from my grasp!  Also, it should be criminal to put champagne-colored carpet in a bathroom! 

One friend dropped her Instead in the stall while using the restroom at the movies.  She kicked it away and hustled buns out of there and I honestly can't think of a better course of action while facing such a tragedy.  I have heard from a different friend that she sneezed out an Instead.  In line at a store.  While wearing white pants!!

It's starting to sound like Insteads should come with a warning label and certain shame and mortification will result from their use.

With all this in mind, I still went ahead and chose to use an Instead because, well, WTF was I supposed to use?  I find insertion of the Instead to be significantly easier than the Diva and that was no problem.  I was fairly confident that I wouldn't have any leaking issues since my flow is significantly lighter than "normal" and I eagerly went down to the pool with my boys. 

I was holding my baby while walking toward the kiddie pool and I sneezed.  Then I sneezed again.  And again. 

Oh, crap!

My friend's bloody horror story ran through my mind in an instant and I squeezed the heck out of my bits because I didn't want to sneeze the damn thing out.  I was sure the entire pool was watching me so I kept on walking.  Just a little more gingerly than a few seconds earlier.  I mean, who wants a cup of blood to pour out on the crotch of their hilariously inappropriate white bikini? 

I slipped in the kiddie pool with the babe in arms and wondered if I could get away with discreetly fishing around up there to see if my sneezing somehow had dislodged my cup.  I decided against it because I didn't want to risk getting busted for fingering myself in front of a group of kids.  With my shit luck on stuff like this, I have no doubt it would have been the result.

I decided to sit on the side of the pool and began working my muscles.  Over and over and over again.  I rhythmically began the squeezing & releasing that I knew would help pull that bad boy back up where it needed to be in order to avoid any poolside mortification.  Eventually, I was certain that all was as it should be and I slipped back in the water with the baby (who was fussing and struggling to get away from my grasp the entire time!) and we all enjoyed several hours in the pool.

Have you ever had a hilariously embarrassing mishap?  Don't hold back. . .I keep it real and you can too!  Share in the comments so we all can revel in it!

I'm Baaaack! (and possibly grosser than ever)

Guess who's back?  I took a looong overdue vacation and gave my blog a break at the same time.  Now it's time to shield your kiddo's eyes from your monitor because this blog is back up & running.

I wasn't sure if I'd be allowed to go on this trip since I've been on a travel restriction once this pregnancy began.  My doctor made it clear than car travel would not terminate this pregnancy, but since the pregnancy did begin with a solid month of experiencing a majorly bloody mess, he recommended staying close to home so I could see him right away if further problems arose.  Considering that I've had spotting after the initial daily bleeding stopped, it seems like it was prudent to follow his advice.

I saw my doctor on the 1st and we not only heard our sweet baby's heartbeat via doppler (I never tire of hearing that sound!), but we also were given the auditory treat of several jarring THWAP! sounds.  Yes, that would be my baby kicking the heck out of me.  I wouldn't have thought it possible, but this baby seems even more active than my son was in the womb.  I might end up with internal bruises by the time 40-weeks rolls around!

The doctor gave a tepid green light to our travel plans so we set out after leaving his office.  My husband was in the office with me and I'm glad I had his interpretation of what the doctor actually said versus what I thought I heard or I may not have gone.  I really have a bad way of not hearing anything that a doctor says, any doctor, and it really is helpful to have hubs' ears help me out.

I should add that, much to our dismay, my pelvic rest has been ordered to continue.  I don't think I've mentioned it in this blog, but I haven't been allowed to have sex since I got a positive pregnancy test and I bled for over a month afterward.  I guess my pelvis must need further rest because I've had additional episodes of spotting in the last two weeks (I also did it for several days on vacation), but it really is getting old to not be allowed to sex up my husband.  Heck, it was already old once the initial bleeding stopped and I was up for some action.  Never let it be said that I don't sacrifice for my children, right?

I've been resting my pelvis according to the doctor's orders, but I find that I have scant spotting after I have an orgasm.  No, I'm not getting a little self-love on the side.  I'm embarrassed to admit that I've actually been awakened out of a sound sleep from the spasms of an O.  Yes, really.  Apparently all this pelvic rest is causing my body to behave like an unsatisfied teenaged boy and I'm getting my orgasms wherever I can. . .even if it's only from dreams.

Other than a couple of tearful hormone-fueled meltdowns in front of my family (I'm oh-so-classy, eh?), I had a great trip and feel somewhat refreshed.  I only feel somewhat refreshed because I'm actually more fatigued now than I was just a couple of short weeks ago.  I can't figure out what the problem is other than I did follow my doctor's orders and discontinued taking the progesterone suppositories (I weaned off vs going cold turkey, for those who are interested) while I was on vacation.  So the upside is that my vadge is no longer a constantly drippy suppository-filled mess, but the downside is that I want to sleep all the time.

I've spent months feeling constantly wet down below, courtesy of the progesterone suppositories, and I was looking forward to finally being able to wear panties without a pad to catch the, uh, drippings.  It is nice to not wear a pad, but I've discovered that my ladyparts are still a bit on the moist side.  I don't know if I'm constantly feeling this sensation because I'm chronically horny of if pregnancy-induced leukorrhea has finally made an appearance.  Actually, it could have been there all along for all I know and the melting suppositories just masked what was naturally occurring.  It is an uncomfortable feeling, particularly with my history of bleeding and spotting, and sometimes I'm not sure what I might find when I wipe.  Honestly though, as long as it isn't pink or red, I breathe a sigh of relief.

I'm over 14-weeks now and, though I've gained less than five pounds, I am inexplicably showing.  This makes absolutely zero sense to me and fills me with particular dread because ALL of my maternity clothes are packed and gone.  The few clothes that I still have in the house will have to last for another couple of months or I'll have to drag my old bones out to the store and do a bit of shopping before too long - bleh!

Home Sweet Home

My family and I spent the last several days in Utah visiting with my sister and her family.  My son and her youngest are about two months apart in age and it was a real treat to see our sweet little boys playing together.  My son was so tired from the non-stop fun that he actually slept for a couple of hours on the road home and he even went to bed early tonight.

I made a tasty pasta dinner this evening and included my sister's delicious garlic bread.  Our bags are unpacked and laundry is tumbling in the dryer.  I'm currently relaxing while catching up on a missed episode of Boardwalk Empire. 

I'm looking forward to bedtime tonight as my bed is impossibly cozy & comfy.  As lovely as it is to visit family, and it is very enjoyable, it is always a joy to return to my own home.  "Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home."