I'm a red-eyed, red-nosed, snotty-nosed, noisy mess when I cry. Shockingly enough, I prefer to cry in private. My favorite crying zone is the shower. It does a good job masking my sobs and hiding my tears. I like to shower once I put the little one to bed so I have plenty of time to cry it out.
What was making me boo-hoo tonight? My monthly pity party, of course.
Aunt Flo showed up this afternoon, so I broke out the Diva Cup. I had hoped that I wouldn't have to lay eyes on that Cup for at least a year or more, but thanks to certain events that occurred this month, I knew it wasn't likely that I could be pregnant. I'm somewhat resigned to seeing the Cup for at least a few more months. I think my vagina is resigned too because it didn't even put up a fight and the Cup easily slipped in place.
I know a lot of pregnant women right now. Eleven or twelve, maybe thirteen, I can't recall exactly. These are nice moms and I'm happy that they are able to expand their families. Seeing their joy ripen makes me wonder when I'll experience that joy again. . .if I'll experience that joy again.
I picked up around 15 ovulation prediction sticks yesterday from a friend. She had only used a couple of them and decided not to use the rest. Those sticks have brought my fertility superstitions to ridiculously epic levels. I had the fleeting thought that the reason why I'm not pregnant right now is because I didn't have the cash on hand to pay her for the sticks right then. What one has to do with the other, I don't know. That's the deal with superstitions though, isn't it? They're freaking stupid and make no sense.
My husband seemed surprised that we have been trying to conceive another child for so long. He thought it had only been a few months. I guess he didn't realize that I track EVERYTHING on a calendar. I track when I have my period, I try to estimate when I'll ovulate, I try to seduce him a day or two before my estimated ovulation, I write down when I have evidence of ovulation, I try to seduce him on that day, I track each and every time we do it - ovulation or not. And I do this each and every month. I must be sly because he had no idea.
Adding to my fertility woes is my terribly erratic cycle. I go anywhere from 20 to 35 days. It pretty much makes estimating fertile days absolutely impossible. That's why I finally decided to give the ovulation predictor sticks a try.
I know it will happen when it happens, but we aren't getting any younger and biology is a real b*tch when it comes to stuff like this. If there isn't a baby in my belly by the end of this year, I just don't know what we would do. Give up, I suppose.
It's so foreign for me to consider defeat. I am stupidly stubborn and I give up on nothing. I keep trying even when it is clearly obvious that there is no point. I find it hard to give up hope because it's all I have. Eventually, though, even I see the futility and I move on.
I'm in such a sour mood that I picked up on the similarities between the words 'futility' and 'fertility' - I really, really, really need to stop.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Three Tasty Recipes
I can't recall if I mentioned it or not, but I have lost nearly 15 pounds. In honor of my success, I thought I'd share some recipes that I've come up with in the last three weeks.
Veggie "Stir-Fry"
2 Tb olive oil
2 cups onion, sliced in thin strips
1 cup carrot, julienned
1 cup red bell pepper, sliced in thin strips
1 Tb water
4 Tb soy sauce, divided
4 cups broccoli florets
5 cups mushrooms, sliced
6 cups spinach, chopped (the leafy green parts of bok choy or napa cabbage work well in this too)
3 cloves garlic, pressed
1 tsp fresh ginger puree
Add oil, onion, and carrots to pan. Cook until onion starts to soften, add red bell pepper. Cook until carrots are somewhat soft. Using slotted spoon, remove vegetables from pan and place in a covered container so that they can steam a little bit. Add water, 1 Tb soy sauce, and broccoli to pan. Cover, allowing the broccoli to steam. Using slotted spoon, remove broccoli from pan when it is tender and add to the covered container with the other cooked vegetables. Add remaining 3 Tb of soy sauce, mushrooms, and spinach (or other greens) to pan. Turn heat to high and toss mushrooms & spinach well. After the spinach & mushrooms have reduced by nearly half, add garlic & ginger to pan. When mushrooms are tender, add all of the cooked vegetables back to the pan and toss well with a sprinkling of crushed red pepper flakes.
Ground Beef "Stir-Fry"
1 lb. 4% ground beef
2 Tb olive oil, divided
4 Tb soy sauce, divided
1 medium onion, sliced in thin strips
1 cup red bell pepper, sliced in thin strips
2 cups shredded carrots
1 Tb water
2 cups broccoli florets
4 cups spinach, chopped (the leafy green parts of bok choy or napa cabbage work well in this too)
3 garlic cloves, pressed
1 tsp fresh ginger puree
Brown ground beef in pan until no longer pink. Drain grease off meat - there won't be very much. Add 1 Tb olive oil, 1 Tb soy sauce, onion, and red bell pepper to pan. When onion softens, add shredded carrots. Cook until red bell pepper is somewhat soft. Using slotted spoon, remove from pan to a covered container so they can steam a little bit. Add 1 Tb soy sauce, water, and broccoli to pan. Using slotted spoon, remove from pan to covered container when broccoli is tender. Add remaining olive oil, soy sauce, and spinach to pan. When spinach has reduced by half, add garlic & ginger. When garlic is fragrant, add meat and other vegetables back to the pan and toss well with a sprinkling of crushed red pepper flakes.
Pasta Sauce (a chunky-textured sauce for whole wheat pasta, of course!)
1 lb 4% ground beef
2 Tb olive oil
1 cup red bell pepper, chopped
1 1/2 cups onion, chopped
2 cups zucchini, sliced as rounds
1 head of garlic, minced or pressed
2 cups shredded carrots
2 cans diced tomatoes
4 cups spinach, chopped
3/4 can of water
Seasonings: oregano, salt, pepper, crushed red pepper flakes
Brown ground beef in pan until no longer pink. Drain grease off meat - there won't be very much. Add olive oil, red bell pepper, and onion to pan and cook until onion softens. Add zucchini and cook a few minutes longer. Add garlic and carrots and cook for a couple more minutes. Add tomatoes, spinach, water, and seasonings. Turn heat to high and bring to boil. Reduce heat and simmer, stirring occasionally for about 30 minutes or so.
Veggie "Stir-Fry"
2 Tb olive oil
2 cups onion, sliced in thin strips
1 cup carrot, julienned
1 cup red bell pepper, sliced in thin strips
1 Tb water
4 Tb soy sauce, divided
4 cups broccoli florets
5 cups mushrooms, sliced
6 cups spinach, chopped (the leafy green parts of bok choy or napa cabbage work well in this too)
3 cloves garlic, pressed
1 tsp fresh ginger puree
Add oil, onion, and carrots to pan. Cook until onion starts to soften, add red bell pepper. Cook until carrots are somewhat soft. Using slotted spoon, remove vegetables from pan and place in a covered container so that they can steam a little bit. Add water, 1 Tb soy sauce, and broccoli to pan. Cover, allowing the broccoli to steam. Using slotted spoon, remove broccoli from pan when it is tender and add to the covered container with the other cooked vegetables. Add remaining 3 Tb of soy sauce, mushrooms, and spinach (or other greens) to pan. Turn heat to high and toss mushrooms & spinach well. After the spinach & mushrooms have reduced by nearly half, add garlic & ginger to pan. When mushrooms are tender, add all of the cooked vegetables back to the pan and toss well with a sprinkling of crushed red pepper flakes.
Ground Beef "Stir-Fry"
1 lb. 4% ground beef
2 Tb olive oil, divided
4 Tb soy sauce, divided
1 medium onion, sliced in thin strips
1 cup red bell pepper, sliced in thin strips
2 cups shredded carrots
1 Tb water
2 cups broccoli florets
4 cups spinach, chopped (the leafy green parts of bok choy or napa cabbage work well in this too)
3 garlic cloves, pressed
1 tsp fresh ginger puree
Brown ground beef in pan until no longer pink. Drain grease off meat - there won't be very much. Add 1 Tb olive oil, 1 Tb soy sauce, onion, and red bell pepper to pan. When onion softens, add shredded carrots. Cook until red bell pepper is somewhat soft. Using slotted spoon, remove from pan to a covered container so they can steam a little bit. Add 1 Tb soy sauce, water, and broccoli to pan. Using slotted spoon, remove from pan to covered container when broccoli is tender. Add remaining olive oil, soy sauce, and spinach to pan. When spinach has reduced by half, add garlic & ginger. When garlic is fragrant, add meat and other vegetables back to the pan and toss well with a sprinkling of crushed red pepper flakes.
Pasta Sauce (a chunky-textured sauce for whole wheat pasta, of course!)
1 lb 4% ground beef
2 Tb olive oil
1 cup red bell pepper, chopped
1 1/2 cups onion, chopped
2 cups zucchini, sliced as rounds
1 head of garlic, minced or pressed
2 cups shredded carrots
2 cans diced tomatoes
4 cups spinach, chopped
3/4 can of water
Seasonings: oregano, salt, pepper, crushed red pepper flakes
Brown ground beef in pan until no longer pink. Drain grease off meat - there won't be very much. Add olive oil, red bell pepper, and onion to pan and cook until onion softens. Add zucchini and cook a few minutes longer. Add garlic and carrots and cook for a couple more minutes. Add tomatoes, spinach, water, and seasonings. Turn heat to high and bring to boil. Reduce heat and simmer, stirring occasionally for about 30 minutes or so.
Monday, April 12, 2010
I'm Kinda Close to My Son
My son will turn two in one month. The longest amount of time that I have been apart from my son at any time is four hours. In two years, I have had four hours of time to myself around five times, maybe six. I guess you can say that my son and I are kinda attached to each other.
It's logical to assume that this prolonged closeness means that my son is a spazz when he's apart from me. Quite the opposite. When my husband or I drop him off in the church nursery on Sunday mornings, he shrugs off our kisses goodbye and starts playing. When I leave a room, he doesn't freak out. He's happy to explore his environment, even in new surroundings.
He does get bashful, coy, and even fearful from time to time, but his general mood is confident and sweet. I don't know why he has such a great personality. Is it because my husband has personality plus? Is it because I'm no slouch in the personality department? Is it because I nursed him so long? Is it because I wore him so often? Is it because he's always had me whenever he's needed me? Or is it just how his personality was from the start?
I'm not terribly comfortable leaving my son with strangers. Frankly, I don't like leaving my son with very many people. The thought of leaving him for a few hours makes my heart thump wildly.
I'm so thankful that I have the privilege to stay home with my son. As much as I loved work, and I loved it very much, I don't want to return at this point. The last thing I want to do is leave my son with a babysitter in a daycare while I work for wages outside my home.
All that said, if our fortunes turned and we needed my earning power, I'd return to work. It would be with a heavy heart, but I'd do whatever was necessary for the good of my family. I can't imagine how difficult it is for moms who want to stay home with their little ones, but who are financially unable to do so. Motherhood is tough enough when you're doing exactly what you want, so big hugs to you mamas who are working out of necessity.
It's logical to assume that this prolonged closeness means that my son is a spazz when he's apart from me. Quite the opposite. When my husband or I drop him off in the church nursery on Sunday mornings, he shrugs off our kisses goodbye and starts playing. When I leave a room, he doesn't freak out. He's happy to explore his environment, even in new surroundings.
He does get bashful, coy, and even fearful from time to time, but his general mood is confident and sweet. I don't know why he has such a great personality. Is it because my husband has personality plus? Is it because I'm no slouch in the personality department? Is it because I nursed him so long? Is it because I wore him so often? Is it because he's always had me whenever he's needed me? Or is it just how his personality was from the start?
I'm not terribly comfortable leaving my son with strangers. Frankly, I don't like leaving my son with very many people. The thought of leaving him for a few hours makes my heart thump wildly.
I'm so thankful that I have the privilege to stay home with my son. As much as I loved work, and I loved it very much, I don't want to return at this point. The last thing I want to do is leave my son with a babysitter in a daycare while I work for wages outside my home.
All that said, if our fortunes turned and we needed my earning power, I'd return to work. It would be with a heavy heart, but I'd do whatever was necessary for the good of my family. I can't imagine how difficult it is for moms who want to stay home with their little ones, but who are financially unable to do so. Motherhood is tough enough when you're doing exactly what you want, so big hugs to you mamas who are working out of necessity.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
I'm Already Blessed
My husband and I have been trying for a second baby for just about one year and I don't think this will be our "lucky" month. Next month I will be making doctor appointments to make sure everything is as it should be with our baby-making equipment.
I was casually chatting with a friend this morning and she asked what my plans would be if we can't have another baby. I'd never really considered the idea, but it's entirely possible. Neither my husband nor myself are Spring Chickens and fertility does diminish as we age. I fumbled about and finally answered that I guess we'd just have our son then.
Her question haunted me for the rest of the day. I wondered if my answer was true. Would I be content to "only" have my son? What lengths would I go to in order to have another child? I began to suspect that I had not been entirely honest because I do ache to have another baby in my belly, in my arms.
My son was uncharacteristically cuddly when he woke from his nap this afternoon. He sat on my lap and snuggled from the moment that he woke until I began preparing his dinner. I spent that time reflecting on motherhood and wondering why I want another little one.
I found pregnancy exhausting. My back ached, ACHED, from month five until I delivered. My skin felt itchy. My ankles swelled to the size of my calves. I was bone-tired the entire time.
I found the newborn stage exhausting. I was in terrible pain for more than a month from my c-section incision. My breasts grew so full of milk that I was actually four cup sizes larger than normal and my nipples were stretched flat from the pressure. I remember leaning over, my nipples in a warm bowl of water, tears streaming down my face (engorgement is very painful, in case you don't know) while I squeezed my breasts so that they'd loosen up enough for my baby to latch on. My son nursed for 45 minute sessions for months and he wanted milk every 90 minutes for even longer. I suffered engorgement problems until my son was nearly nine months old. I once only slept for two hours in one 24-hour period. That's not two consecutive hours, it was a total of two hours.
I found the earliest days of motherhood exhausting. I spent months sobbing at home, feeling like I was the worst mother in history. I cried out silently for someone, anyone, to help me because I was failing by myself. I wondered why I couldn't just snap out of my funk and get on with life. I wept whenever I gazed at my darling boy because I knew that I wasn't worthy of such a beautiful gift.
I tell myself that I will love every moment of what would be my final pregnancy. I tell myself that I will adore the newborn stage of my last child. I tell myself that I will be able to competently handle the aches, pains, gripes, sleep deprivation, sadness, loneliness, and isolation. I tell myself that I will embrace these changes because I will never experience them again. Of course, I will probably complain every step of the way!
I don't know why God chose me to be my husband's wife. I don't know why He chose me to be my son's mother. I trust that He knows what he's doing and that's why I have the perfect gift of my family.
If I'm never blessed with another child, I suppose that I'll be okay with it. Perhaps I'm only capable of giving one child enough time and attention. Perhaps we'll have a reversal of fortune and we wouldn't be able to afford a second child. Perhaps another pregnancy would result in one of those ultra-rare life threatening situations. I don't know and it really doesn't matter.
I have already been blessed more than I could ever deserve. I'm a sinner's sinner and I could never earn such joy and bliss. In that sweet & snuggly hour that I spent with my son this afternoon, I realized that I have everything I need right now. I would accept another gift, but I've already been given so much.
I was casually chatting with a friend this morning and she asked what my plans would be if we can't have another baby. I'd never really considered the idea, but it's entirely possible. Neither my husband nor myself are Spring Chickens and fertility does diminish as we age. I fumbled about and finally answered that I guess we'd just have our son then.
Her question haunted me for the rest of the day. I wondered if my answer was true. Would I be content to "only" have my son? What lengths would I go to in order to have another child? I began to suspect that I had not been entirely honest because I do ache to have another baby in my belly, in my arms.
My son was uncharacteristically cuddly when he woke from his nap this afternoon. He sat on my lap and snuggled from the moment that he woke until I began preparing his dinner. I spent that time reflecting on motherhood and wondering why I want another little one.
I found pregnancy exhausting. My back ached, ACHED, from month five until I delivered. My skin felt itchy. My ankles swelled to the size of my calves. I was bone-tired the entire time.
I found the newborn stage exhausting. I was in terrible pain for more than a month from my c-section incision. My breasts grew so full of milk that I was actually four cup sizes larger than normal and my nipples were stretched flat from the pressure. I remember leaning over, my nipples in a warm bowl of water, tears streaming down my face (engorgement is very painful, in case you don't know) while I squeezed my breasts so that they'd loosen up enough for my baby to latch on. My son nursed for 45 minute sessions for months and he wanted milk every 90 minutes for even longer. I suffered engorgement problems until my son was nearly nine months old. I once only slept for two hours in one 24-hour period. That's not two consecutive hours, it was a total of two hours.
I found the earliest days of motherhood exhausting. I spent months sobbing at home, feeling like I was the worst mother in history. I cried out silently for someone, anyone, to help me because I was failing by myself. I wondered why I couldn't just snap out of my funk and get on with life. I wept whenever I gazed at my darling boy because I knew that I wasn't worthy of such a beautiful gift.
I tell myself that I will love every moment of what would be my final pregnancy. I tell myself that I will adore the newborn stage of my last child. I tell myself that I will be able to competently handle the aches, pains, gripes, sleep deprivation, sadness, loneliness, and isolation. I tell myself that I will embrace these changes because I will never experience them again. Of course, I will probably complain every step of the way!
I don't know why God chose me to be my husband's wife. I don't know why He chose me to be my son's mother. I trust that He knows what he's doing and that's why I have the perfect gift of my family.
If I'm never blessed with another child, I suppose that I'll be okay with it. Perhaps I'm only capable of giving one child enough time and attention. Perhaps we'll have a reversal of fortune and we wouldn't be able to afford a second child. Perhaps another pregnancy would result in one of those ultra-rare life threatening situations. I don't know and it really doesn't matter.
I have already been blessed more than I could ever deserve. I'm a sinner's sinner and I could never earn such joy and bliss. In that sweet & snuggly hour that I spent with my son this afternoon, I realized that I have everything I need right now. I would accept another gift, but I've already been given so much.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
I'm Back with Joe
No, I'm not talking about a man (I can't recall even dating someone named Joe), I'm talking about coffee. I quit drinking it, all caffeine actually, several months ago. I brewed up a mini-pot of coffee this morning and it was pretty darn nice.
I quit drinking caffeine for a few reasons. One is that I can't sleep at night. I used to sleep like the dead, but I really have trouble going to sleep and staying asleep these days. This problem began when I was pregnant and it never went away. Another reason is that I feel grouchy at the cost of Diet Coke. Yeah, yeah, I realize that they aren't all that expensive, but what can I say, I'm cheap. The final reason is that I don't have a newborn in my arms and/or I'm still not pregnant. Caffeine won't prevent a pregnancy, but studies have shown that it can help lead to a miscarriage.
I've been trying to conceive for a year now. I miss coffee. I'm not pregnant. I've decided that I'm going to enjoy my tasty beverage until I conceive. I made a couple of cafe mochas today and they were oh-so-tasty!
I quit drinking caffeine for a few reasons. One is that I can't sleep at night. I used to sleep like the dead, but I really have trouble going to sleep and staying asleep these days. This problem began when I was pregnant and it never went away. Another reason is that I feel grouchy at the cost of Diet Coke. Yeah, yeah, I realize that they aren't all that expensive, but what can I say, I'm cheap. The final reason is that I don't have a newborn in my arms and/or I'm still not pregnant. Caffeine won't prevent a pregnancy, but studies have shown that it can help lead to a miscarriage.
I've been trying to conceive for a year now. I miss coffee. I'm not pregnant. I've decided that I'm going to enjoy my tasty beverage until I conceive. I made a couple of cafe mochas today and they were oh-so-tasty!
Friday, April 9, 2010
I Broke 100!
Not pounds - I did that a little less than 20 years ago.
No, I have written over 100 blog posts. On January 1st, I set out to write one post for each day of the year and I'm nearly a third of the way there. My 365 project is well underway!
I hope the readership (all 8 of you!) is enjoying reading my blog. Sometimes I've been hotly controversial, sometimes I've been relatively mundane, sometimes I've been intensely personal. I hope that I've never been boring and I hope that you continue to read this blog!
No, I have written over 100 blog posts. On January 1st, I set out to write one post for each day of the year and I'm nearly a third of the way there. My 365 project is well underway!
I hope the readership (all 8 of you!) is enjoying reading my blog. Sometimes I've been hotly controversial, sometimes I've been relatively mundane, sometimes I've been intensely personal. I hope that I've never been boring and I hope that you continue to read this blog!
Thursday, April 8, 2010
It's Cliche. . .
But true.
I need to pop over to my neighbor's house and ask for a cup of sugar.
The only problem is that I have no neighbors at the moment. Even if I had neighbors, I probably wouldn't know them well enough to ask for kitchen staples. Frankly, I probably wouldn't trust them either.
So my darling husband is off to the supermarket to pick up a package of sugar. I couldn't tell him what amount to buy because I have know idea how they sell sugar. It's in boxes or bags (I think?), but I don't know quantities.
This got me thinking. . .when was the last time I purchased sugar? I believe it was when I was still married to my ex-husband, around 2001 or so. He liked sugar in his coffee (no comment!) so I bought it for him. Prior to that I'm not sure that I had ever bought sugar in my entire life.
So what do people use sugar for anyway? Why do I have no need for it? I can't think of a single recipe I use that calls for sugar. I only keep it in the house because sometimes people do like sugar in their coffee.
Sugar. I just don't get it.
I need to pop over to my neighbor's house and ask for a cup of sugar.
The only problem is that I have no neighbors at the moment. Even if I had neighbors, I probably wouldn't know them well enough to ask for kitchen staples. Frankly, I probably wouldn't trust them either.
So my darling husband is off to the supermarket to pick up a package of sugar. I couldn't tell him what amount to buy because I have know idea how they sell sugar. It's in boxes or bags (I think?), but I don't know quantities.
This got me thinking. . .when was the last time I purchased sugar? I believe it was when I was still married to my ex-husband, around 2001 or so. He liked sugar in his coffee (no comment!) so I bought it for him. Prior to that I'm not sure that I had ever bought sugar in my entire life.
So what do people use sugar for anyway? Why do I have no need for it? I can't think of a single recipe I use that calls for sugar. I only keep it in the house because sometimes people do like sugar in their coffee.
Sugar. I just don't get it.
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