Some of you may have noticed that I've been silent lately. It would be fair to say that I've been, for the most part, stunned silent. It's been well over six-weeks since my nephew died and I'm still unable to begin processing my grief. It's not that I can't handle grief, goodness knows that I can certainly handle grief, it's that I'm afraid to fall too deeply in to that pit of sadness and hurt during what should be - what needs to be - a happy and joyful time in my life.
I know that sounds selfish, but it's not even only for my own sake that I refuse to address my pain. It's for the sake of my children, the one I hold and the one I'm still carrying. For being such a young child, my son has witnessed far too much of my grief and I don't want his mind to somehow connect my pregnancy to my tears and despair because I don't want him to somehow think it's his little brother's fault that Mama is so sad. . .so sad yet again. I don't want my unborn son to be negatively impacted by my own mental state. I know that I don't care for myself adequately when I'm down there and that means that he won't be adequately nourished either. That's not even addressing whether or not a fetus suffers developmentally based upon the mother's depression or stress hormone levels. Without a doubt, my boys would suffer if I allowed myself to delve into the aching depths of human sadness.
Of course, it isn't all selflessness. This baby in my womb only came after two solid years of trying every month, after losing one precious babe, after subjecting myself to hormone treatments that made for an unbelievably stressful first half of pregnancy. After two years of bitter disappointment each month, I want to experience all the joy I possibly can. Is it wrong that I want to try to enjoy what will most likely be my final pregnancy? If it is, then I guess I'm wrong.
I simply can't wrap my head around a 17-year old kid dying from a heart attack. I just can't. It's like something you read about and feel sorry for the family who was impacted by such a fluke occurrence. Only it's not some random anonymous family. It's my family. It's my family who has been hurt by yet another unnaturally natural death. It's such a bizarre and unthinkable thing that I don't know whether to laugh, cry, scream, pull at my hair, or some mixture of all responses.
So how am I handling my grief? I'm not. I push it back down whenever it comes up and I generally pretend that it does not exist. Is this healthy? No, not by a long shot. Is this the most sensible way I can handle it at the moment? Yes. I know the time is coming where my grief will begin to manifest itself in other ways and I'm already having difficulty pushing it from my mind when it comes to me, but thus far only the silence of midnight's moon has been the witness to my weeping so I'm thankful my son has been spared. It's a scene that he's seen before, but I know it frightens him and he's seen it altogether too often.
Why do I cry in the night? Why else? It's when I say my prayers and I can't help but cry when I pray for my nieces and nephews. Most nights I automatically put his name in there, my mind still unable to accept that he no longer has need for any of my prayers, and that's when it hits me the hardest. I begin to play the highlight reel - tears always come when I think of him joking and clowning around - and I have to muffle my cries in my pillow and begin praying that sleep comes mercifully soon.
Perhaps I'd be well on the road to healing if I'd been able to attend his funeral? I don't know and it doesn't matter since I was unable to attend. My mother fell and broke her hip just days after his death (she only just returned home), I wasn't keen to leave my little boy because it really messed with his head when I did so to attend my brother's service last year, and my OB wasn't wild about the notion of me traveling 3,000 miles away when I was still having bleeding episodes in this pregnancy. So I didn't go. I wish on some level that I had, but my parents and my children needed me to stay here and I did.
I don't know that I will be able to continue blogging, but I will make an effort. Though I have always been brutally honest in this blog, I won't be able to address these emotions because they need to stay bottled up for the time being. The way I see it, I probably have plenty to write about without participating in a bit of free therapy. So I'm back. . .maybe.
Showing posts with label blog. Show all posts
Showing posts with label blog. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
Moderation or Censorship?
I'm don't have an axe to grind here because it's never happened to me that I know of, but I've noticed that some bloggers who I follow share a particularly nasty habit: they remove comments from their blog and their Facebook wall.
No, I will not divulge the names of these blogs because I'm not interested in driving traffic their way or starting an internet bitch-fight with someone who I don't even know. Besides, I think we all can agree that women are bitchy enough to each other in real life so there's no need to act cunty toward a stranger who's never personally done a single thing to me.
Why would someone want to delete comments from their blog or their FB wall? It could be that the comment is spam, in which case it's perfectly understandable why someone would want it deleted. Unfortunately, I find that all too often comments are deleted because the commenter is being combative or because the author of the blog simply disagrees with the comment that was made. Whatever the reason, the author of the blog justifies their decision by indicating that it's their space to moderate and they can delete whatever they'd like. I don't disagree with that sentiment though I wish they'd be honest about what they're really doing when they remove comments.
What is it that they're doing? What habit do I find so distasteful? Actively engaging in censorship.
I'm more than a little disgusted that creative individuals would purposely censor others. I'm not against moderation, but I am against censorship and removing disliked comments is most definitely censorship. If you think I'm incorrect, please enlighten me and let me know what else it should be called.
My blog only has 20 followers and I've sometimes received comments that I think are a little dickish. That's life, right? It's true that I can't imagine how irritated bloggers with thousands of followers must feel by daily dickish comments made by women who have so much bitchiness that it overflows their real lives and spills out on the internet. However, as adults we generally accept that everyone doesn't always agree with our viewpoints. Get that? Everyone who hears or reads what we have to say is not going to agree. And, FFS, you should expect to receive flak if you write about something controversial. You would be a moron if you don't expect a strong counter to your own strong opinion.
I don't live off of asskissing (either variety) and think that life would be really boring without a little debate every now and then. As the tired saying goes, "If you can't stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen." I think a nice alternative is, If you're intolerant toward a difference of opinion, why are you busy voicing your own?
No, I will not divulge the names of these blogs because I'm not interested in driving traffic their way or starting an internet bitch-fight with someone who I don't even know. Besides, I think we all can agree that women are bitchy enough to each other in real life so there's no need to act cunty toward a stranger who's never personally done a single thing to me.
Why would someone want to delete comments from their blog or their FB wall? It could be that the comment is spam, in which case it's perfectly understandable why someone would want it deleted. Unfortunately, I find that all too often comments are deleted because the commenter is being combative or because the author of the blog simply disagrees with the comment that was made. Whatever the reason, the author of the blog justifies their decision by indicating that it's their space to moderate and they can delete whatever they'd like. I don't disagree with that sentiment though I wish they'd be honest about what they're really doing when they remove comments.
What is it that they're doing? What habit do I find so distasteful? Actively engaging in censorship.
I'm more than a little disgusted that creative individuals would purposely censor others. I'm not against moderation, but I am against censorship and removing disliked comments is most definitely censorship. If you think I'm incorrect, please enlighten me and let me know what else it should be called.
My blog only has 20 followers and I've sometimes received comments that I think are a little dickish. That's life, right? It's true that I can't imagine how irritated bloggers with thousands of followers must feel by daily dickish comments made by women who have so much bitchiness that it overflows their real lives and spills out on the internet. However, as adults we generally accept that everyone doesn't always agree with our viewpoints. Get that? Everyone who hears or reads what we have to say is not going to agree. And, FFS, you should expect to receive flak if you write about something controversial. You would be a moron if you don't expect a strong counter to your own strong opinion.
I don't live off of asskissing (either variety) and think that life would be really boring without a little debate every now and then. As the tired saying goes, "If you can't stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen." I think a nice alternative is, If you're intolerant toward a difference of opinion, why are you busy voicing your own?
Friday, June 10, 2011
An Interesting Search
I check my blog stats every day to see which posts are read most frequently. Among other things, I can find out which country readers reside in, what operating systems they use, and which search words readers use to find this blog. That last bit is rather interesting at times and it certainly is this morning.
Some of you know that I felt forced to censor myself by destroying my old blog, my old blogger name, and making this new blog viewable by invitation only for a period of time. I'm not going to rehash my reasons why because I didn't feel it was fair or right, but I suppose that someone dear to me felt they were good reasons. Let's just say that although I was fully in the right and standing on the side of truth, it made my life easier to not have my every word, thought, and opinion dissected and perverted by certain readers who were offended by the plain truth and my personal opinions.
I find it interesting that someone found this blog yesterday by searching for my old blogger name. Should I be concerned that those who clearly can't handle the truth might actually be exposed to it by reading this blog? Should I ready myself for an attack? Should I go through the nonsense to delete this blog and create yet another one?
No, I don't think I should do a damn thing.
I don't feel it's my problem if someone is so freakishly obsessed with me, my words, or my thoughts that they actually took the time to search for me after I took great pains to remain anonymous these last several months. I guess I'm just not all that concerned if someone has actively sought me out because they were completely and totally cut from my life and my son's life as a result of their actions and perhaps this is a way to learn a little about what's going on with us. I guess at some point everyone realizes that their hateful actions have very real consequences; their poison pen acted as a saw to effectively cut us away forever. I can forgive their heinous words, but I will not forget them and I will never allow myself to be put in a position to be hurt by them again.
It's debatable whether or not they're missing out on anything important by not being allowed a relationship with me, but they absolutely are missing out on quite a lot by not being allowed contact with my son. He's a spectacular little boy and I'm actually thankful that he no longer asks about seeing those people because I found it very difficult to hold my tongue and simply say that we won't be seeing them again. I guess that's something they should have thought about before attacking this child's mother who absolutely did nothing to provoke such a venomous letter.
Lest you think I'm being petty and using my son as a weapon, it was their own stated wish that we remain out of their lives. I'm sure they had their own dark and bitter reasons, but thinking such hateful language was spewed forth because they are emotionally wounded almost makes me feel sorry for them. Almost. . .
Some of you know that I felt forced to censor myself by destroying my old blog, my old blogger name, and making this new blog viewable by invitation only for a period of time. I'm not going to rehash my reasons why because I didn't feel it was fair or right, but I suppose that someone dear to me felt they were good reasons. Let's just say that although I was fully in the right and standing on the side of truth, it made my life easier to not have my every word, thought, and opinion dissected and perverted by certain readers who were offended by the plain truth and my personal opinions.
I find it interesting that someone found this blog yesterday by searching for my old blogger name. Should I be concerned that those who clearly can't handle the truth might actually be exposed to it by reading this blog? Should I ready myself for an attack? Should I go through the nonsense to delete this blog and create yet another one?
No, I don't think I should do a damn thing.
I don't feel it's my problem if someone is so freakishly obsessed with me, my words, or my thoughts that they actually took the time to search for me after I took great pains to remain anonymous these last several months. I guess I'm just not all that concerned if someone has actively sought me out because they were completely and totally cut from my life and my son's life as a result of their actions and perhaps this is a way to learn a little about what's going on with us. I guess at some point everyone realizes that their hateful actions have very real consequences; their poison pen acted as a saw to effectively cut us away forever. I can forgive their heinous words, but I will not forget them and I will never allow myself to be put in a position to be hurt by them again.
It's debatable whether or not they're missing out on anything important by not being allowed a relationship with me, but they absolutely are missing out on quite a lot by not being allowed contact with my son. He's a spectacular little boy and I'm actually thankful that he no longer asks about seeing those people because I found it very difficult to hold my tongue and simply say that we won't be seeing them again. I guess that's something they should have thought about before attacking this child's mother who absolutely did nothing to provoke such a venomous letter.
Lest you think I'm being petty and using my son as a weapon, it was their own stated wish that we remain out of their lives. I'm sure they had their own dark and bitter reasons, but thinking such hateful language was spewed forth because they are emotionally wounded almost makes me feel sorry for them. Almost. . .
Monday, May 23, 2011
Taking Weekends Off
I've had a few people notice that I didn't write any blog posts this last weekend. I also didn't write one the Sunday before last. I didn't really think anyone would notice and I purposely didn't submit anything. I decided to stop writing on the weekend for no other reasons than I'm ridiculously tired lately and my weekend blogs are historically not well-read or shared by many people. So there it is, my laziness and vanity dictate that I scale back to a Monday through Friday writing schedule.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Why is it. . .
- that there is only one serving of noodles when I'm queasy and only noodles sound good? Naturally, my son wanted noodles too.
- that my one month prescription contains only 50 suppositories? How exactly am I'm supposed to use two each day when I only get 50 for the month?
- that cable shows are so much better than what the networks offer?
- that buying another house has turned into a never-freaking-ending saga that goes on and on and on?
- that beer is suddenly the absolute worst-smelling substance on the planet?
- that Braveheart was a bigger success than Rob Roy?
- that my back begins to ache after riding in my husband's car for a few hours?
- that my husband's house is pretty much looking exactly the way I've wanted it to look and we're selling it to someone else to enjoy?
- that my son is so sweet one moment and such a terror the next?
- that I'm screwing around on-line when I could be catching up on The Borgias?
- that my one month prescription contains only 50 suppositories? How exactly am I'm supposed to use two each day when I only get 50 for the month?
- that cable shows are so much better than what the networks offer?
- that buying another house has turned into a never-freaking-ending saga that goes on and on and on?
- that beer is suddenly the absolute worst-smelling substance on the planet?
- that Braveheart was a bigger success than Rob Roy?
- that my back begins to ache after riding in my husband's car for a few hours?
- that my husband's house is pretty much looking exactly the way I've wanted it to look and we're selling it to someone else to enjoy?
- that my son is so sweet one moment and such a terror the next?
- that I'm screwing around on-line when I could be catching up on The Borgias?
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Happy Mother's Day
It's Mother's Day and I've tried my darndest to do as little as possible today so I'm taking the night off from blogging too.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
What An Exhausting Day
It's been a long time since I've done this, but I am just too exhausted to even write a post today. It doesn't seem like I did much today, but I attended a playdate, witnessed my toddler's lunchtime mega-tantrum (seriously, it was epic), and had a naptime that was frustrated a few times before I just gave up on getting any rest this afternoon. I headed off my son's inevitable dinnertime tantrum when he discovered that I wasn't up to take him to Chuck E. Cheese's by telling him that we'd visit his Grandma & Grandpa. That was awesome and it was fun, but we stayed late and now I'm totally beat. Besides, it's time for me to deal with my prog suppos so I have to go to lie down in bed anyway.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Joy + Fear = ?
Have you ever really wanted to say something (shout it from the rooftops, really), but were afraid to do so because you don't want to jinx it somehow? I'm in that spot at the moment. I know exactly what I want to write, but I'm afraid to be bold.
I tried to come up with another topic to blog about, but this one is all I can think about at the moment. I find it interesting that my joy and my fear are woven together in such a perfectly seamless tapestry of emotion. I can't feel one emotion without the other and that's frustrating to me. I want to only know the joy, but experience has taught me to know the fear as well.
Until I find the courage, the strength, to say what I want, know that there's something brewing over here. Something big, something special, something marvelously wonderful. Something I just can't bring myself to write about at this moment.
I tried to come up with another topic to blog about, but this one is all I can think about at the moment. I find it interesting that my joy and my fear are woven together in such a perfectly seamless tapestry of emotion. I can't feel one emotion without the other and that's frustrating to me. I want to only know the joy, but experience has taught me to know the fear as well.
Until I find the courage, the strength, to say what I want, know that there's something brewing over here. Something big, something special, something marvelously wonderful. Something I just can't bring myself to write about at this moment.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Funny Search Phrases
This site (Blogger) allows the blogger to check many different stats. I frequently raise my eyebrows or get a chuckle out of the Google search phrases/words that drive people to this blog. Here's a baker's dozen of my latest faves (in no particular order) and the posts that they directed web traffic toward:
"me so hooooorny" this blog post
"epiphany vibrator massager" this blog post
"mosque at ground zero robot chicken" this blog post
"my midlife crisis is killing me" this blog post
"why do thin mints suck now" this blog post
"guitarists chicks dig" this blog post
"blogger has a baby" was a busy day and I couldn't tell which post was found by Google
"dildo sculpture" this blog post
"sapphic love blog" was a busy day and I couldn't tell which post was found by Google
"fuck shopping!" this blog post
"quotes about selfies" this blog post
"jerking off blog" this blog post
"grey pubes pluck out" this blog post
I can see how my blog might show up on a Google search with some of those, but others are leave me thinking, "Uh, what?"
Do I ever come across as someone who is even remotely interested in sapphic love? I think it's pretty obvious that I like the c*ck so why did Google grab my blog with that search? I don't know, but it did and I was read by someone who wanted to know about getting a little chick on chick action. I'm afraid that I may have disappointed them. . .
I must say that the "dildo sculpture" search left me in stitches. Who in the world was looking for dildo sculptures? I know the blog post that showed up and was read, but really - what the heck?? Did they want a sculpture of dildos? Or were they as retarded as me wanted to molest some sculptures with dildos? I'm still chuckling over their motivation in doing the search.
The jerking off search made me initially wonder which post would show up and I quickly realized that it was one in which I mocked a commercial about a dumbbell that vibrates. It totally looks like manual masturbation of a man when you use said piece of exercise equipment. I had a good laugh about it and I hope that the reader on another continent got my sense of humor.
Anyway, I was amused by the searches that lead readers to my blog and hope that you are as well.
"me so hooooorny" this blog post
"epiphany vibrator massager" this blog post
"mosque at ground zero robot chicken" this blog post
"my midlife crisis is killing me" this blog post
"why do thin mints suck now" this blog post
"guitarists chicks dig" this blog post
"blogger has a baby" was a busy day and I couldn't tell which post was found by Google
"dildo sculpture" this blog post
"sapphic love blog" was a busy day and I couldn't tell which post was found by Google
"fuck shopping!" this blog post
"quotes about selfies" this blog post
"jerking off blog" this blog post
"grey pubes pluck out" this blog post
I can see how my blog might show up on a Google search with some of those, but others are leave me thinking, "Uh, what?"
Do I ever come across as someone who is even remotely interested in sapphic love? I think it's pretty obvious that I like the c*ck so why did Google grab my blog with that search? I don't know, but it did and I was read by someone who wanted to know about getting a little chick on chick action. I'm afraid that I may have disappointed them. . .
I must say that the "dildo sculpture" search left me in stitches. Who in the world was looking for dildo sculptures? I know the blog post that showed up and was read, but really - what the heck?? Did they want a sculpture of dildos? Or were they as retarded as me wanted to molest some sculptures with dildos? I'm still chuckling over their motivation in doing the search.
The jerking off search made me initially wonder which post would show up and I quickly realized that it was one in which I mocked a commercial about a dumbbell that vibrates. It totally looks like manual masturbation of a man when you use said piece of exercise equipment. I had a good laugh about it and I hope that the reader on another continent got my sense of humor.
Anyway, I was amused by the searches that lead readers to my blog and hope that you are as well.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Did I Just Say THAT?!
My hubs and I are currently watching Chinatown. If you've never seen this modern-ish film noir (feels weird to call an over 30-year old film "modern"), I highly recommend it! Director Roman Polanski is most definitely a creepy fucking rapist and sodomizer of severely underaged girls, but that midget sure could make a freaking movie!
Anyway, we were watching the scene where Jake arrived at Catalina. His contact at Avalon harbor was driving a woody. My husband said, "That's a nice woody!" My response was a classic and one that I'm sure you can see a mile away. . .
"I'd rather ride on a woody than in a woody."
Yeah, I'm classy in that way. I always knew there was something he liked about me! I'm sure that my hubs found my admission tremendously amusing and enlightening. At least, I hope he did! haha
Anyway, we were watching the scene where Jake arrived at Catalina. His contact at Avalon harbor was driving a woody. My husband said, "That's a nice woody!" My response was a classic and one that I'm sure you can see a mile away. . .
"I'd rather ride on a woody than in a woody."
Yeah, I'm classy in that way. I always knew there was something he liked about me! I'm sure that my hubs found my admission tremendously amusing and enlightening. At least, I hope he did! haha
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Stats Reveal Strange Truths
Whoa! I've been checking out my blog stats fairly regularly and I'm floored by the truths they reveal. I lost the stats on my old blog once I killed it, but I noted a few things prior to burning it down.
- My most popular post topics (based on pageviews) are, in no particular order: my dead brother, my dead baby, and sex. An odd mix, to be sure, and I'm not sure what to make of it. I suppose if I wrote about necrophilia the page clicks would go off the friggin' charts, huh? And you guys think I'm the sicko!
- My drunken exploits are also quite popular and I've noted that the posts with self-deprecating humor are also well received. I find this interesting because, as I've said time and again, I just don't do funny.
- Readers are more far likely to share a sex-related post than a non-sexy post. I suppose I have quite the horny readership! Like author, like reader - right?
- I've had some posts shared by more than 30 people. I know that doesn't sound like much, but I only have 17 official followers on this blog so even non-followers are sharing my posts. So, if you're willing to share my words, why aren't you all following me?? Click the "Follow" button on the right to follow me with GFC. Seriously, nearly 100 of you were willing to sign in to read my blog when it was only visible by invitation only. . .
- This blog has only been in existence since the end of September (some of you remember that I had to transfer over the old posts from the previous blog) and I have well over 1,500 more pageviews on this blog than I did on the old blog and the old blog was in existence more than 9 1/2-months.
- Over 100 people wanted to know which song was the sexiest one ever recorded.
- Indeed, I had over 100 pageviews on at three different days last week. To rip off a favorite Mel Brooks movie, I'd say I'm rapidly becoming a big underground success! In another 25-years, I might be able to shake your hands in broad daylight - haha!
- Prior to switching to this new blog and losing the old stats, The Potty Training Post was the most viewed post by more than 2 to 1. Potty training is a serious business!
- I've been read by readers in ten other countries. Prior to ditching my old blog, there were about thirty countries represented on my audience list.
- I get comments from readers on the blog itself, on Facebook, and also via e-mail. I average around five comments per post. Yeah, I had too much time on my hands since I felt the need to figure that one out!
I like to write and sometimes it gripes me that I'm willing to spend the time writing a blog for instant gratification rather than actually complete one of my novels. Getting instant feedback is damn addicting for a writer, but I'm sure that I'll stop wasting my effort blogging and take on one of my true labors of love at some point. A critique group that I used to belong to gave great praise to a particular memoir that I was working on and that book is never far from my mind because I lived it and survived in a most spectacular fashion.
I've tried many hobbies over my life (crochet, eggery, scrapbooking, & plenty more!) and I always return to my first true love: the written word. Self expression and the freedom to express thought are things that I love and cherish. I realize that I've touched on some personal topics in this blog, but it is nothing compared to what I've written in the past; I've written about some incredibly painful and intense situations and how I've grown from those experiences. This blog may not be Mr. Right, but at least it is Mr. Right Now and that's good enough for me. . .for now!
- My most popular post topics (based on pageviews) are, in no particular order: my dead brother, my dead baby, and sex. An odd mix, to be sure, and I'm not sure what to make of it. I suppose if I wrote about necrophilia the page clicks would go off the friggin' charts, huh? And you guys think I'm the sicko!
- My drunken exploits are also quite popular and I've noted that the posts with self-deprecating humor are also well received. I find this interesting because, as I've said time and again, I just don't do funny.
- Readers are more far likely to share a sex-related post than a non-sexy post. I suppose I have quite the horny readership! Like author, like reader - right?
- I've had some posts shared by more than 30 people. I know that doesn't sound like much, but I only have 17 official followers on this blog so even non-followers are sharing my posts. So, if you're willing to share my words, why aren't you all following me?? Click the "Follow" button on the right to follow me with GFC. Seriously, nearly 100 of you were willing to sign in to read my blog when it was only visible by invitation only. . .
- This blog has only been in existence since the end of September (some of you remember that I had to transfer over the old posts from the previous blog) and I have well over 1,500 more pageviews on this blog than I did on the old blog and the old blog was in existence more than 9 1/2-months.
- Over 100 people wanted to know which song was the sexiest one ever recorded.
- Indeed, I had over 100 pageviews on at three different days last week. To rip off a favorite Mel Brooks movie, I'd say I'm rapidly becoming a big underground success! In another 25-years, I might be able to shake your hands in broad daylight - haha!
- Prior to switching to this new blog and losing the old stats, The Potty Training Post was the most viewed post by more than 2 to 1. Potty training is a serious business!
- I've been read by readers in ten other countries. Prior to ditching my old blog, there were about thirty countries represented on my audience list.
- I get comments from readers on the blog itself, on Facebook, and also via e-mail. I average around five comments per post. Yeah, I had too much time on my hands since I felt the need to figure that one out!
I like to write and sometimes it gripes me that I'm willing to spend the time writing a blog for instant gratification rather than actually complete one of my novels. Getting instant feedback is damn addicting for a writer, but I'm sure that I'll stop wasting my effort blogging and take on one of my true labors of love at some point. A critique group that I used to belong to gave great praise to a particular memoir that I was working on and that book is never far from my mind because I lived it and survived in a most spectacular fashion.
I've tried many hobbies over my life (crochet, eggery, scrapbooking, & plenty more!) and I always return to my first true love: the written word. Self expression and the freedom to express thought are things that I love and cherish. I realize that I've touched on some personal topics in this blog, but it is nothing compared to what I've written in the past; I've written about some incredibly painful and intense situations and how I've grown from those experiences. This blog may not be Mr. Right, but at least it is Mr. Right Now and that's good enough for me. . .for now!
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Button, Button, Who's Got The Button?
I do!
A hearty thanks goes out to a fellow blogger from The Days of a SAHM for helping me through my blogtastic button drama and hooking me up with the sweet, sweet blog button on the top left of this blog. I think that this button captures a fairly typical representation of my life: wearing my son, cooking, chatting on the phone, and glancing up just as the camera snaps my pic. The only thing missing is the dog barking. . .
PS Spare me any lip about the dangers wearing a baby or toddler while cooking. The child was in no danger because he was in a ring sling and I toss him on my back when I'm close to the stove. I wasn't near a burner, which is why he was positioned on my hip.
A hearty thanks goes out to a fellow blogger from The Days of a SAHM for helping me through my blogtastic button drama and hooking me up with the sweet, sweet blog button on the top left of this blog. I think that this button captures a fairly typical representation of my life: wearing my son, cooking, chatting on the phone, and glancing up just as the camera snaps my pic. The only thing missing is the dog barking. . .
PS Spare me any lip about the dangers wearing a baby or toddler while cooking. The child was in no danger because he was in a ring sling and I toss him on my back when I'm close to the stove. I wasn't near a burner, which is why he was positioned on my hip.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Possible Blog Name Change and Rock Concerts
I began writing yet another sexy-ish post today and stopped myself because readers might begin to suspect my integrity, but I'm beginning to think that the name of this blog should be changed to The Insatiable Mrs. Brown!
I knew that hubs and I were chafing at the time wasted on pelvic rest, but geez we're acting like a couple of lustful teenagers. Looks like we'll have to start stocking up on the Vitamin E. (wink!)
So enough of my sexy shenanigans because I'm guessing that there are only two people on this planet who give a rip about our sex life. Instead, I want to bitch about music - concerts, to be specific.
Ages ago it was discovered that both my husband and I like Eric Clapton, but it's interesting that neither of us have ever attended one of his concerts. We decided that we'd totally go the next time he plays in our area. All my recent musical exploration revealed that he's playing in our area in a month from now. I nearly peed myself at the awesome timing of finding out before the concert!
I checked out the ticket prices and, uh, I can swallow some pretty high prices, but don't think I can take $123 for a nosebleed seat. You read that right. It would cost $246 just for two seats! Perhaps I'm old-fashioned or just cheap, but $246 seems like a lot of money for the privilege of listening to a musician for around ninety-minutes. I hope a kiss is included in the price of admission because I already feel f*cked.
I shook my tiny fist of impotent rage at the computer and kvetched about it on Facebook. My brother-in-law had a very interesting comment that I agree with wholeheartedly. His feelings are that these exorbitant ticket prices serve to keep kids out of shows and only allows your more well-heeled or mature audience to attend. He's right.
Then he added that wasn't what rock & roll is about. And it really isn't. Rock is for the youth, but even at $8+ minimum wage, the young kids today would likely find it tough to pony up $123 per ticket. Want to help expose some young people to this fantastic music? Try lowering the ticket prices! I understand that they'll only charge what audiences are willing to pay, but DAMN!
What music would be played at a Clapton concert? A lot of hits that were recorded well over 20-years ago. Songs that were written for the enjoyment of young people. . .young people who grew up to be the only people who would probably be willing to spend $123 for a Clapton concert ticket. I don't want to spend that kind of money and I don't want to miss the show either. Crap!
Anyway, I came across this fun clip today. . .how many of you remember listening to vinyl??? I still have a fairly respectable record collection. All of the albums from The Eagles (still have an ancient The Long Run T-shirt somewhere), Zeppelin IV, and many others that I can't think of off the top of my head. Those were just my favorites. Yeah, I told you all that I was born twenty-years too late.
In closing, rock out with your cock out. Oh, sh*t! I had to go back to sex, huh?
I knew that hubs and I were chafing at the time wasted on pelvic rest, but geez we're acting like a couple of lustful teenagers. Looks like we'll have to start stocking up on the Vitamin E. (wink!)
So enough of my sexy shenanigans because I'm guessing that there are only two people on this planet who give a rip about our sex life. Instead, I want to bitch about music - concerts, to be specific.
Ages ago it was discovered that both my husband and I like Eric Clapton, but it's interesting that neither of us have ever attended one of his concerts. We decided that we'd totally go the next time he plays in our area. All my recent musical exploration revealed that he's playing in our area in a month from now. I nearly peed myself at the awesome timing of finding out before the concert!
I checked out the ticket prices and, uh, I can swallow some pretty high prices, but don't think I can take $123 for a nosebleed seat. You read that right. It would cost $246 just for two seats! Perhaps I'm old-fashioned or just cheap, but $246 seems like a lot of money for the privilege of listening to a musician for around ninety-minutes. I hope a kiss is included in the price of admission because I already feel f*cked.
I shook my tiny fist of impotent rage at the computer and kvetched about it on Facebook. My brother-in-law had a very interesting comment that I agree with wholeheartedly. His feelings are that these exorbitant ticket prices serve to keep kids out of shows and only allows your more well-heeled or mature audience to attend. He's right.
Then he added that wasn't what rock & roll is about. And it really isn't. Rock is for the youth, but even at $8+ minimum wage, the young kids today would likely find it tough to pony up $123 per ticket. Want to help expose some young people to this fantastic music? Try lowering the ticket prices! I understand that they'll only charge what audiences are willing to pay, but DAMN!
What music would be played at a Clapton concert? A lot of hits that were recorded well over 20-years ago. Songs that were written for the enjoyment of young people. . .young people who grew up to be the only people who would probably be willing to spend $123 for a Clapton concert ticket. I don't want to spend that kind of money and I don't want to miss the show either. Crap!
Anyway, I came across this fun clip today. . .how many of you remember listening to vinyl??? I still have a fairly respectable record collection. All of the albums from The Eagles (still have an ancient The Long Run T-shirt somewhere), Zeppelin IV, and many others that I can't think of off the top of my head. Those were just my favorites. Yeah, I told you all that I was born twenty-years too late.
In closing, rock out with your cock out. Oh, sh*t! I had to go back to sex, huh?
Friday, December 31, 2010
Possible Plans for 2011
I've been working on a post of highlights, and low lights, from this year that I have been writing a blog. Unfortunately, my son stayed up late tonight and I didn't get it done. Darn it! Hopefully I get it done at some point this weekend.
I was asked today if I plan to continue blogging every day. I just don't know. Sometimes it takes a fair amount of time to research and write these posts, though most days it takes around 30-minutes. I don't know if I want to continue writing on this blog every day, but I also don't want to set it aside forever. I guess I won't know until tomorrow if I'll continue this daily writing regimen.
This blog has, at times, been my ultra-cheap therapy. You've read about my darkest thoughts, my hottest fury, my impossible joys, my crippling heartbreaks, and my steadfast faith. You've witnessed my lowest lows and highest highs. . .this year has been a kick in the pants. And sometimes a kick in the teeth.
I think I'd like to focus this blog on something that I'm passionate about, but I'm just not that passionate about anything other than my family. Don't get me wrong, I have strong feelings about many topics, but they don't light me up like my husband and son. Besides, I think I'd run out of things to say if I focused on one topic. There is only so much one can write (or cares to read) about breastfeeding, babywearing, or any other thing that I tend to write a lot about.
I was given a new macro lens for Christmas and I was thinking that I might share photos by making a Wordless Wednesday post each week. Perhaps share simple & easy recipes once per week? Or maybe I'll just write one well researched post each week?
I had hoped by writing this post that my 2011 blog plans would somehow come together in my mind, but it didn't work that way. Eh, whatever. I'm getting ready to do an East coast toast with my sparkling cider. Happy New Year! :-)
I was asked today if I plan to continue blogging every day. I just don't know. Sometimes it takes a fair amount of time to research and write these posts, though most days it takes around 30-minutes. I don't know if I want to continue writing on this blog every day, but I also don't want to set it aside forever. I guess I won't know until tomorrow if I'll continue this daily writing regimen.
This blog has, at times, been my ultra-cheap therapy. You've read about my darkest thoughts, my hottest fury, my impossible joys, my crippling heartbreaks, and my steadfast faith. You've witnessed my lowest lows and highest highs. . .this year has been a kick in the pants. And sometimes a kick in the teeth.
I think I'd like to focus this blog on something that I'm passionate about, but I'm just not that passionate about anything other than my family. Don't get me wrong, I have strong feelings about many topics, but they don't light me up like my husband and son. Besides, I think I'd run out of things to say if I focused on one topic. There is only so much one can write (or cares to read) about breastfeeding, babywearing, or any other thing that I tend to write a lot about.
I was given a new macro lens for Christmas and I was thinking that I might share photos by making a Wordless Wednesday post each week. Perhaps share simple & easy recipes once per week? Or maybe I'll just write one well researched post each week?
I had hoped by writing this post that my 2011 blog plans would somehow come together in my mind, but it didn't work that way. Eh, whatever. I'm getting ready to do an East coast toast with my sparkling cider. Happy New Year! :-)
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Thanks, Unisom, You're Killing My Blog
I found the energy to take down our Christmas decorations today, but I don't have the energy to research the blog post I had planned to write this evening. Why can't I take an hour and do a little research to write a blog post? Because I took my 1/2 tablet of Unisom and I'm getting ready to zonk out for the night. I know it's hard to believe, but this post alone (weak as it is) has taken over 45-minutes to write. And it's only a few sentences!
I have three posts that have been rattling around in my head for several days. I better get cracking since the year is running out, but that cracking won't begin until tomorrow. Or the next night!
Zzzzzzzz. . .
I have three posts that have been rattling around in my head for several days. I better get cracking since the year is running out, but that cracking won't begin until tomorrow. Or the next night!
Zzzzzzzz. . .
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
A Short Pity Party
This is a short post because I'm feeling pretty rocky today and I haven't really improved as the day has progressed. I feel exhausted physically and wiped out emotionally.
I did speak with an OB nurse/midwife today and, as is typical for the health professionals that I've been dealing with lately, she wasn't all that concerned about my spotting or the fact that the two ultrasounds I had performed on Sunday evening couldn't find a baby in the gestational sac. I was told, again, that both of these things aren't all that uncommon this early in pregnancy. Pardon me if I find it something to be concerned about; it is my baby (or lack of baby) after all. She did, however, indicate that my hCG levels from Sunday night's testing are right where they would expect them to be at this point.
I guess the fact that I had been trying to conceive for 19-months and that I'm over 35 years of age doesn't warrant an immediate appointment with the doctor. My first appointment with an obstetrician is still scheduled for 12/27 (that's 19 days from today!) because apparently my concerns aren't a concern for anyone else who might move my appointment up a week or more.
I should mention that, based on their practice of dating pregnancy by date of last menstrual period, I will be considered 6-weeks pregnant tomorrow. I should also mention that I not only could see my son via ultrasound at that point, but we also heard his heartbeat. To say that I'm nervous about this pregnancy would be an understatement. I'm terrified.
What if I miscarried with all that spotting and I just don't realize it yet? What if a baby never does form in the gestational sac? What if the baby is there by now and there is a major problem that will result in a loss? I feel like I'm in constant prayer and I'm begging for this baby and pleading for it to be perfectly healthy.
I miss my husband. I want him here with me right now. I need him here. Tomorrow afternoon can't come soon enough. I hate that he had to leave me in this situation. Naturally, my son has been extra-clingy because he misses his father and the poor little guy is definitely picking up on my nervousness. You parents out there can probably figure out just how much rest I've been able to have in my husband's absence.
So that's it. There's my pity party post for the evening. Have any of you had a similar situation (empty gestational sac prior to 6-weeks gestation) that you're comfortable sharing? If so, please share the outcome. . .I just feel like I'm afraid to get too attached (tough to do when I already refer to the child by name) if a baby doesn't/hasn't formed and I'm looking for a little reassurance.
I did speak with an OB nurse/midwife today and, as is typical for the health professionals that I've been dealing with lately, she wasn't all that concerned about my spotting or the fact that the two ultrasounds I had performed on Sunday evening couldn't find a baby in the gestational sac. I was told, again, that both of these things aren't all that uncommon this early in pregnancy. Pardon me if I find it something to be concerned about; it is my baby (or lack of baby) after all. She did, however, indicate that my hCG levels from Sunday night's testing are right where they would expect them to be at this point.
I guess the fact that I had been trying to conceive for 19-months and that I'm over 35 years of age doesn't warrant an immediate appointment with the doctor. My first appointment with an obstetrician is still scheduled for 12/27 (that's 19 days from today!) because apparently my concerns aren't a concern for anyone else who might move my appointment up a week or more.
I should mention that, based on their practice of dating pregnancy by date of last menstrual period, I will be considered 6-weeks pregnant tomorrow. I should also mention that I not only could see my son via ultrasound at that point, but we also heard his heartbeat. To say that I'm nervous about this pregnancy would be an understatement. I'm terrified.
What if I miscarried with all that spotting and I just don't realize it yet? What if a baby never does form in the gestational sac? What if the baby is there by now and there is a major problem that will result in a loss? I feel like I'm in constant prayer and I'm begging for this baby and pleading for it to be perfectly healthy.
I miss my husband. I want him here with me right now. I need him here. Tomorrow afternoon can't come soon enough. I hate that he had to leave me in this situation. Naturally, my son has been extra-clingy because he misses his father and the poor little guy is definitely picking up on my nervousness. You parents out there can probably figure out just how much rest I've been able to have in my husband's absence.
So that's it. There's my pity party post for the evening. Have any of you had a similar situation (empty gestational sac prior to 6-weeks gestation) that you're comfortable sharing? If so, please share the outcome. . .I just feel like I'm afraid to get too attached (tough to do when I already refer to the child by name) if a baby doesn't/hasn't formed and I'm looking for a little reassurance.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
A Wild & Wooly Night in the ER
I spent several hours in the ER this evening and I am beat. Everything is okay, I think, but I am exhausted and I'll be turning in early. I ask that you remember to keep me and my baby in your prayers.
I noted a few things that I noted while I was there that I'll quickly share:
~ In this ER, male nurses outnumbered female nurses 2 to 1.
~ The doctors refer to each other by first name, but everyone else in the ER addresses them as "Doctor whatever-their-last-name-is."
~ Patients who were in the ER because they are relapsed drug addicts who OD on "some pills (a) friend had" are belligerent rather than contrite.
~ As always, hospital gowns never cover your backside.
~ And, apparently, the opening of the gown is supposed to be in the back instead of the front.
~ A trans-vaginal ultrasound might sound sexy, but I can assure you that it is not.
~ It is almost guaranteed that you'll need a full pelvic exam if you haven't, um, trimmed the hedges in a few days. Okay, okay, a few weeks.
I noted a few things that I noted while I was there that I'll quickly share:
~ In this ER, male nurses outnumbered female nurses 2 to 1.
~ The doctors refer to each other by first name, but everyone else in the ER addresses them as "Doctor whatever-their-last-name-is."
~ Patients who were in the ER because they are relapsed drug addicts who OD on "some pills (a) friend had" are belligerent rather than contrite.
~ As always, hospital gowns never cover your backside.
~ And, apparently, the opening of the gown is supposed to be in the back instead of the front.
~ A trans-vaginal ultrasound might sound sexy, but I can assure you that it is not.
~ It is almost guaranteed that you'll need a full pelvic exam if you haven't, um, trimmed the hedges in a few days. Okay, okay, a few weeks.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Oops!
I almost forgot to make a post today!
It's been a long weekend and it was a terribly long day
so I'm off to hit the hay.
It's been a long weekend and it was a terribly long day
so I'm off to hit the hay.
Friday, November 19, 2010
I Hate Selfies!
Though I often experience lighting difficulties, I love taking photos. I like staged photos. I like candids. I like action shots. I like nature shots. I like all photography. . .all photography, that is, except selfies.
I spent an hour trying to take my own photograph yesterday. An hour! An hour of my time trying to get a stupid picture. I realize that it does take time to set up my tripod, change my camera lens, and scope out decent backgrounds, but an hour seems pretty excessive when I realize just how many photos were taken only to be deleted upon viewing.
Why is it so danged impossible for me to get a good self-portrait? I don't know, but here are the ways that I screwed up the shot as the shutter clicked:
~ I was in a dark part of my house and I was too far away from the flash.
~ I stood too close to a mirror and ended up with horrible a flash reflection.
~ My dog started barking and I looked away.
~ My glasses weren't high enough or low enough and the frames cut my eyes in half.
~ My son whirled around to get his face in the shot. . .this from the kid who never sits still for a photo.
~ I turned at an awkward angle and it looked like my son's arms were growing from my back.
~ My son apparently moved the camera down after I adjusted it and I ended up with a photo of my boobs.
~ I tried several times to focus manually and ended up with fuzzy photos each time.
Of course, I also pulled this all-time classic move:
~ I blinked.
It's hard to believe, but the picture on the left represents my very best effort. Do you ever take selfies? What tips or advice can you share?
I spent an hour trying to take my own photograph yesterday. An hour! An hour of my time trying to get a stupid picture. I realize that it does take time to set up my tripod, change my camera lens, and scope out decent backgrounds, but an hour seems pretty excessive when I realize just how many photos were taken only to be deleted upon viewing.
Why is it so danged impossible for me to get a good self-portrait? I don't know, but here are the ways that I screwed up the shot as the shutter clicked:
~ I was in a dark part of my house and I was too far away from the flash.
~ I stood too close to a mirror and ended up with horrible a flash reflection.
~ My dog started barking and I looked away.
~ My glasses weren't high enough or low enough and the frames cut my eyes in half.
~ My son whirled around to get his face in the shot. . .this from the kid who never sits still for a photo.
~ I turned at an awkward angle and it looked like my son's arms were growing from my back.
~ My son apparently moved the camera down after I adjusted it and I ended up with a photo of my boobs.
~ I tried several times to focus manually and ended up with fuzzy photos each time.
Of course, I also pulled this all-time classic move:
~ I blinked.
It's hard to believe, but the picture on the left represents my very best effort. Do you ever take selfies? What tips or advice can you share?
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
I'm a WINNER!
Did you hear a loud BOOM this afternoon? It was my head exploding over my crazy good fortune. Let me explain:
A friend recently blogged about a giveaway that she recently won. I don't often win giveaways so I was pretty excited about her major award. It doesn't take much to impress me, does it?
I received an e-mail today and I can proudly proclaim that I'm also a WINNER! I entered a giveaway and I actually won something! I won a $25 gift certificate for Del Monte, courtesy of Del Monte and Airplanes and Dragonflies.
So far this month I haven't had to attend any funerals, I was able to visit my sister for a few days, and I won a giveaway! The only way this month can get any better is if I finally conceive. You can expect an update on that front in a couple of weeks.
Actually, this month would also get a lot better if my followers finally start "Following" this blog - hint, hint!
A friend recently blogged about a giveaway that she recently won. I don't often win giveaways so I was pretty excited about her major award. It doesn't take much to impress me, does it?
I received an e-mail today and I can proudly proclaim that I'm also a WINNER! I entered a giveaway and I actually won something! I won a $25 gift certificate for Del Monte, courtesy of Del Monte and Airplanes and Dragonflies.
So far this month I haven't had to attend any funerals, I was able to visit my sister for a few days, and I won a giveaway! The only way this month can get any better is if I finally conceive. You can expect an update on that front in a couple of weeks.
Actually, this month would also get a lot better if my followers finally start "Following" this blog - hint, hint!
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