Today I had a couple of quick exchanges with a few friends about my current situation. I still haven't started to pass my baby and it's making me sadder as the days go by. It's hard to wrap my head around the fact that my baby lost it's heartbeat a week ago and my body still can't let it go.
At risk of sounding like a braggart, I led a remarkably charmed life for several years. I enjoyed more happiness and joy than I could ever deserve. I didn't have much in the way of pain or suffering and, as a result, I had grown quite fat and lazy from a spiritual and emotional standpoint. That's not really a good place to be in my opinion and it's good that I've been tested and refined in this last year.
Regular readers of this blog know that there has been significant heartbreak in my life in the last twelve months. I haven't written about everything that has happened because it would be inappropriate for me to share, but there has been a lot more that I haven't even breathed a word about in this blog. Yes, believe it or not, there are some things that even I think are important to keep hidden, secret, and out of print.
I have wondered more than once if the things that I've been whining about are just normal things that happen all the time to everyone else, but I've had many people agree that it does appear that my family has been under attack with spectacularly difficult challenges in the last twelve-months. What should I make of this realization that we have been hit by this onslaught? Should I feel that God doesn't care about my faithfulness? Should I feel abandoned by God? Should I be mad at God? Should I turn away from God and lean on my own understanding?
I faithfully (get it?!) submit that I should still find a way to give thanks for these painful circumstances. Am I crazy? I don't think so and I don't think that any Christian would. Great growth tends to come after great suffering. Imagine how much growth I'm going to be blessed with when these trials are over! I'm convinced that this great suffering is preparing me for completing great works.
God is in everything. Everything! And, if we let Him, He can use anything for good. Yes, even the death of this much loved and wanted baby can be used for good in God's name! There is already good in this suffering. Rather than turning away from God during these difficult times, I've grown closer to Him. My faith has been strengthened although my emotions have been battered.
I hope that I continue to lean on Him because there's no way I'd be able to handle these challenges on my own. I didn't become a Christian until I was in my mid-20s and I know for a fact that I would be completely broken if I was dealing with all of this while spiritually adrift. I was in a perfect position, spiritually, to experience the events of the last twelve months because I had learned of God's true love. It's not an accident that this testing happened after I accepted Christ in my heart.
I know what I want, but that doesn't mean that it's the right time (if you will) and I don't have the benefit of God's vision so I can't even second guess what's been happening because I don't have all the information to form an educated opinion. I hope that never-ending sentence made sense! I don't doubt that blessings will return to my life (and, really, I am still being marvelously blessed!) and I will rejoice and give Him the thanks when that day comes!
Showing posts with label blessings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label blessings. Show all posts
Friday, January 14, 2011
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Giving Thanks
I had quite the productive day. I roasted and carved a 19.5 pound turkey, I assembled a green bean casserole, I prepped all the veggies that I add to my gravy, I readied stuffing for baking tomorrow, I made a several quarts of turkey stock with the turkey carcass, and I made a few dips and snack trays. Somewhere in there, I even found the energy to make a quick trip to Costco. . .of course, trips to Costco are never exactly quick.
I'm exhausted from all my Thanksgiving prep so this will be a short post tonight. I thought it might be nice to write down things for which I give thanks. I'm thankful for:
My God - This has been a horribly difficult year, but I have still been tremendously blessed because my needs are met and my wants are few. For that, I give all the thanks to God.
My marriage - This year would have been impossible to handle if my marriage weren't solid as a rock; I believe that my marriage is a gift from God.
My husband - He is the most wonderful and spectacular man; I'm so lucky that he chose to marry me.
My son - He is a true joy; I'm so lucky that God chose me to be my son's mother.
My family - It has been a rough year for my family; we almost lost one family member on two different occasions and we did lose my only brother, but we are still together and I'm so thankful that we're clinging together instead of scattering apart.
My friends - I have been blessed with the kindest and most loving group of friends. They have been a tremendous support to me through my father's medical problems and, especially, during my darkest days after my brother's passing.
I have so many that I'll have to limit myself, but these are my top blessings. . .stay tuned tomorrow, there may be more to come!
I'm exhausted from all my Thanksgiving prep so this will be a short post tonight. I thought it might be nice to write down things for which I give thanks. I'm thankful for:
My God - This has been a horribly difficult year, but I have still been tremendously blessed because my needs are met and my wants are few. For that, I give all the thanks to God.
My marriage - This year would have been impossible to handle if my marriage weren't solid as a rock; I believe that my marriage is a gift from God.
My husband - He is the most wonderful and spectacular man; I'm so lucky that he chose to marry me.
My son - He is a true joy; I'm so lucky that God chose me to be my son's mother.
My family - It has been a rough year for my family; we almost lost one family member on two different occasions and we did lose my only brother, but we are still together and I'm so thankful that we're clinging together instead of scattering apart.
My friends - I have been blessed with the kindest and most loving group of friends. They have been a tremendous support to me through my father's medical problems and, especially, during my darkest days after my brother's passing.
I have so many that I'll have to limit myself, but these are my top blessings. . .stay tuned tomorrow, there may be more to come!
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Thanksgiving
I was struck by how blessed I am while I was lying down with my son yesterday. My eyes filled with tears as a gazed at his sweet sleeping face. How could I have ever earned such a wonderful gift, I thought. Of course, my question actually answered my question: He is a gift.
This year has been pretty terrible in many respects and last month was the worst of all. I'm not going to tick down the list of calamities that have struck my family in 2010 because it tends to just make me wallow in pity and that's not where I want to go. I think it's awesome that even with all the turmoil, and there has been a lot, I'm still able to give thanks.
I'm thankful for my marriage; I'd never have made it through this year if my marriage wasn't solid. I'm thankful for my husband; he is my rock and my strongest supporter. I'm thankful for my son; my darling boy has been the only reason I get up some days. I'm thankful for my health; I am able to experience the joy of movement. I'm thankful for my friends; they are the kindest and most loving group of women on the planet. I'm thankful for my faith; my trust in God has been the only thing keeping me standing many times this year.
Regardless of how much I've suffered this year, I still have so many blessings. No matter what, my Thanksgiving turkey pinecone will still have plenty of feathers to read this year. . .and I hope that yours will too!
This year has been pretty terrible in many respects and last month was the worst of all. I'm not going to tick down the list of calamities that have struck my family in 2010 because it tends to just make me wallow in pity and that's not where I want to go. I think it's awesome that even with all the turmoil, and there has been a lot, I'm still able to give thanks.
I'm thankful for my marriage; I'd never have made it through this year if my marriage wasn't solid. I'm thankful for my husband; he is my rock and my strongest supporter. I'm thankful for my son; my darling boy has been the only reason I get up some days. I'm thankful for my health; I am able to experience the joy of movement. I'm thankful for my friends; they are the kindest and most loving group of women on the planet. I'm thankful for my faith; my trust in God has been the only thing keeping me standing many times this year.
Regardless of how much I've suffered this year, I still have so many blessings. No matter what, my Thanksgiving turkey pinecone will still have plenty of feathers to read this year. . .and I hope that yours will too!
Thursday, September 9, 2010
My Heart Overflows
I'll probably be away from my computer for about a week and thought I'd try to get some blogging done before I leave. I'm going to experiment with setting my post options so that the posts automatically publish at set dates and times.
My heart has been poured out, totally emptied, with the unexpected death of my only brother. And, just as quickly, it was been filled to overflowing.
I spent a long time cuddled up with my Bible late last night. Indeed, I was up until a little beyond 2:00 am. Certain passages spoke to me, specifically the 22nd and 23rd Psalms and the book of Job.
Christians will instantly recognize the anguished cry at the beginning of the 22nd Psalm. My God, my God, why have you forsaken me was also on Jesus' lips while he suffered on the cross. I certainly don't feel forsaken, but I do feel like I've been under constant attack this year. I draw comfort from verse 24:
For he has not despised or disdained
the suffering of the afflicted one;
he has not hidden his face from him
but has listened to his cry for help.
He does hear my cries. He knows every tear that I have shed as well as every hair on my head. I might not feel it, but I am held securely in His hands. When I finally feel restored, I will thank Him and give Him praise for carrying me through these difficult times. And I do not doubt for one moment that He is with me because He will never leave me nor forsake me.
He has already moved to help bring healing. I have a group of friends. . .I would have said good friends, but they are the greatest friends, who have stepped up to help my family in the most wonderful way.
I will be gone from home for nearly a week and I have to leave my husband and son at home. This is the first time I've spent the night away from either of them and I'll be gone for nearly one week. These wonderful friends have not only agreed to watch my son while my husband is at work, but they also will be giving meals to my family while I'm gone. And, just like that, my heart is overflowing with love and appreciation. I am filled with love and appreciation for the blessings that these friends are for my family everyday, but I am overwhelmed by the way they have come through in such a big way when I need their support the most. I can never repay this kindness and generosity. I'm so thankful that this remarkable group of women are a part of my life.
My heart has been poured out, totally emptied, with the unexpected death of my only brother. And, just as quickly, it was been filled to overflowing.
I spent a long time cuddled up with my Bible late last night. Indeed, I was up until a little beyond 2:00 am. Certain passages spoke to me, specifically the 22nd and 23rd Psalms and the book of Job.
Christians will instantly recognize the anguished cry at the beginning of the 22nd Psalm. My God, my God, why have you forsaken me was also on Jesus' lips while he suffered on the cross. I certainly don't feel forsaken, but I do feel like I've been under constant attack this year. I draw comfort from verse 24:
For he has not despised or disdained
the suffering of the afflicted one;
he has not hidden his face from him
but has listened to his cry for help.
He does hear my cries. He knows every tear that I have shed as well as every hair on my head. I might not feel it, but I am held securely in His hands. When I finally feel restored, I will thank Him and give Him praise for carrying me through these difficult times. And I do not doubt for one moment that He is with me because He will never leave me nor forsake me.
He has already moved to help bring healing. I have a group of friends. . .I would have said good friends, but they are the greatest friends, who have stepped up to help my family in the most wonderful way.
I will be gone from home for nearly a week and I have to leave my husband and son at home. This is the first time I've spent the night away from either of them and I'll be gone for nearly one week. These wonderful friends have not only agreed to watch my son while my husband is at work, but they also will be giving meals to my family while I'm gone. And, just like that, my heart is overflowing with love and appreciation. I am filled with love and appreciation for the blessings that these friends are for my family everyday, but I am overwhelmed by the way they have come through in such a big way when I need their support the most. I can never repay this kindness and generosity. I'm so thankful that this remarkable group of women are a part of my life.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Friends Are a Great Blessing
Perhaps I'm just a fairly positive and grateful person, but I like to count my blessings and give thanks often. We say a simple blessing before we eat our meals (Thank you for this bounty, let it be for the nourishment of our bodies, in Jesus' name, amen), I read a book about blessings to my son every night before bed, and I give prayers of thanksgiving every single day. Today I was reminded that good friends are one of God's most delightful blessings.
I'm active in a group of women who became mothers in 2008. After months upon months of suffering the lonely isolation of early motherhood, I joined the group in February 2009. I wish I'd joined far earlier because it would have spared me months of unnecessary pain and sadness.
I didn't know anyone with a baby and I didn't have a good social support network. There were weeks at a time that I didn't even leave the house once. It was a pretty bad time for me. I didn't join this group to find friends for my son, I joined to find friends for me. And, boy, have I found some wonderful friends!
Joining this group of moms helped boost my confidence. It was reassuring to find that I wasn't the only mom to struggle with things like breastfeeding and getting the baby to go to sleep. Knowing that I wasn't the only one struggling made me realize that I was not a failure.
It's a little intimidating to join a new group and I'm a pretty shy person so I dreaded the first few meetups that I attended. I'm thankful that these women were so welcoming and friendly. When I was drowning in new motherhood, they really were a lifeline for me. They've enriched my life in countless ways over the 18-months that I've been a member of this group.
I was so isolated and unsure of myself when I spent all those lonely months at home without companions. We really do need relationships and the joy of having such close friends. I feel closer to some of these moms than I do to members of my own family. That's not a slam against my family members, it's a compliment to these friends.
I know that around ten members of this group read this blog and I want you to know that I love you guys. Here's to many more years of friendship!
I'm active in a group of women who became mothers in 2008. After months upon months of suffering the lonely isolation of early motherhood, I joined the group in February 2009. I wish I'd joined far earlier because it would have spared me months of unnecessary pain and sadness.
I didn't know anyone with a baby and I didn't have a good social support network. There were weeks at a time that I didn't even leave the house once. It was a pretty bad time for me. I didn't join this group to find friends for my son, I joined to find friends for me. And, boy, have I found some wonderful friends!
Joining this group of moms helped boost my confidence. It was reassuring to find that I wasn't the only mom to struggle with things like breastfeeding and getting the baby to go to sleep. Knowing that I wasn't the only one struggling made me realize that I was not a failure.
It's a little intimidating to join a new group and I'm a pretty shy person so I dreaded the first few meetups that I attended. I'm thankful that these women were so welcoming and friendly. When I was drowning in new motherhood, they really were a lifeline for me. They've enriched my life in countless ways over the 18-months that I've been a member of this group.
I was so isolated and unsure of myself when I spent all those lonely months at home without companions. We really do need relationships and the joy of having such close friends. I feel closer to some of these moms than I do to members of my own family. That's not a slam against my family members, it's a compliment to these friends.
I know that around ten members of this group read this blog and I want you to know that I love you guys. Here's to many more years of friendship!
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Not This Month
Just like that *poof* my baby hopes are dashed yet again. Dangit! I was really convinced this was it, but I guess not.
They say that the average length of a menstrual cycle is 28-days. I swear that my body is out to get me because I've been experiencing the joy that is a 20-day menstrual cycle for the last few months. That means that I get a period every 20 days. Yay for womanhood, right?! With such short cycles, it's understandable that I was very excited at the baby possibilities when I hit 29 days without an appearance from Aunt Flo. And then she reared her ugly red head on day 30 and that was that.
The super-frustrating thing, other than it's been well over a year (closer to 1 1/2 years now) that we've been trying, is that I actually exhibited what could have been early pregnancy symptoms. Yes, they could all be explained away. But pregnancy was the simplest explanation for all the symptoms presenting at once.
As I've stated in previous posts, no one obsesses over their underpants quite like a woman who is trying to conceive. Why is that? We're looking for the slightest evidence of a period.
I was concerned when I began spotting, but I decided that it was implantation bleeding because it was more of a brownish color. That means that it wasn't fresh blood and implantation could have happened a day or so earlier. I knew it was still pretty late for implantation, but what can I say? I lied to myself so I didn't have a total meltdown in front of my family. I stopped spotting later in the evening and I tried to put it from my mind.
I started spotting again yesterday morning. Red spotting. I tried not to obsess, but I ran to the bathroom as much as possible to see what was happening down there. I knew what was coming, but that doesn't mean I was prepared for it.
I cried, "No, no, no, no, no, no! Please, God, no," when it became very clear that this was a late period. Just another month with an empty womb. My sobs bothered my son so much that he began crying too. His tears jolted me out of my pity party and I knew that I'd have to get it together because I was freaking him out.
So I got myself together and sat down in a chair with him on my lap. I gave him hugs & kisses while telling him that I love him and there's nothing for him to cry about. I have to say that I needed his hugs as much as he seemed to need mine. I was thankful that he was content to relax and cuddle on my lap for a little longer.
I found the first trimester to be the most exhausting and there is so much going on in the family right now that I know it would be difficult to manage a pregnancy right now. Add in the six-day work weeks and several nights each week that my husband has been working since before the end of last year and I know that a pregnancy would be too much to handle at the moment. I kind of want to hold off on any more baby-making efforts until things calm down, but I just can't predict when that will be and I really don't have the luxury of time. I really wouldn't mind going on the pill again to give me more than two weeks between periods.
I don't know what to do at this point. I don't know what to hope for or what to pray for. All that I can really do is continue being a good wife to my husband and a good mother to our son.
They say that the average length of a menstrual cycle is 28-days. I swear that my body is out to get me because I've been experiencing the joy that is a 20-day menstrual cycle for the last few months. That means that I get a period every 20 days. Yay for womanhood, right?! With such short cycles, it's understandable that I was very excited at the baby possibilities when I hit 29 days without an appearance from Aunt Flo. And then she reared her ugly red head on day 30 and that was that.
The super-frustrating thing, other than it's been well over a year (closer to 1 1/2 years now) that we've been trying, is that I actually exhibited what could have been early pregnancy symptoms. Yes, they could all be explained away. But pregnancy was the simplest explanation for all the symptoms presenting at once.
As I've stated in previous posts, no one obsesses over their underpants quite like a woman who is trying to conceive. Why is that? We're looking for the slightest evidence of a period.
I was concerned when I began spotting, but I decided that it was implantation bleeding because it was more of a brownish color. That means that it wasn't fresh blood and implantation could have happened a day or so earlier. I knew it was still pretty late for implantation, but what can I say? I lied to myself so I didn't have a total meltdown in front of my family. I stopped spotting later in the evening and I tried to put it from my mind.
I started spotting again yesterday morning. Red spotting. I tried not to obsess, but I ran to the bathroom as much as possible to see what was happening down there. I knew what was coming, but that doesn't mean I was prepared for it.
I cried, "No, no, no, no, no, no! Please, God, no," when it became very clear that this was a late period. Just another month with an empty womb. My sobs bothered my son so much that he began crying too. His tears jolted me out of my pity party and I knew that I'd have to get it together because I was freaking him out.
So I got myself together and sat down in a chair with him on my lap. I gave him hugs & kisses while telling him that I love him and there's nothing for him to cry about. I have to say that I needed his hugs as much as he seemed to need mine. I was thankful that he was content to relax and cuddle on my lap for a little longer.
I found the first trimester to be the most exhausting and there is so much going on in the family right now that I know it would be difficult to manage a pregnancy right now. Add in the six-day work weeks and several nights each week that my husband has been working since before the end of last year and I know that a pregnancy would be too much to handle at the moment. I kind of want to hold off on any more baby-making efforts until things calm down, but I just can't predict when that will be and I really don't have the luxury of time. I really wouldn't mind going on the pill again to give me more than two weeks between periods.
I don't know what to do at this point. I don't know what to hope for or what to pray for. All that I can really do is continue being a good wife to my husband and a good mother to our son.
Friday, August 13, 2010
What Should I Believe?
I regret that I can't yet elaborate on my post from last night. I truly thought that I'd be given a clear answer to share, but instead I was presented with a choice.
Do I believe in Occam's razor and my intuition or do I believe in the HPT that I threw in the garbage in a fit of frustration? From a diagnostic standpoint, Occam and my intuition, which has admittedly been wrong in the past, really do make sense to me. However, I find it difficult to argue with results that I can hold in my hand. I guess it's correct to say that I believe in all three. Barring any obvious answers today, I expect that I'll be retesting tomorrow morning.
Stay tuned. . .
Do I believe in Occam's razor and my intuition or do I believe in the HPT that I threw in the garbage in a fit of frustration? From a diagnostic standpoint, Occam and my intuition, which has admittedly been wrong in the past, really do make sense to me. However, I find it difficult to argue with results that I can hold in my hand. I guess it's correct to say that I believe in all three. Barring any obvious answers today, I expect that I'll be retesting tomorrow morning.
Stay tuned. . .
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Hmmm. . .
Periodically I have suspicions that I'm afraid to articulate. Sometimes I don't want to put my thoughts into words because I'm afraid they'll be true and other times I hesitate to say what I think for fear that it won't be true. The latter is true this time.
Please bear with me while I fret and know that I hope to enlighten you soon enough. :-)
Please bear with me while I fret and know that I hope to enlighten you soon enough. :-)
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Having a Child Was a Great Choice
We just returned home from our 3-year old nephew's birthday party. My son just went to bed - three hours past his bedtime. He had a blast the entire time we were there. His cousin and his cousin's BFF are quite a bit older and my boy enjoyed running around like one of the big kids.
Seeing those three children playing together really warmed my heart. I sometimes can't believe just how much joy children add to life. Sure, they are ungrateful, demanding, and expensive. But they are also so sweet and loving. Just when you wonder why you ever thought it was a good idea to start a family, your little one will run up, throw their grubby paws around you, and give you a kiss. I cherish those moments and always wish that they happen more frequently.
Once upon a time, I didn't want any kids. I was in a terribly unhappy marriage and it was very dark, loveless. I wanted out of my life and certainly didn't want to bring another life into my personal nightmare. I'm glad I didn't have children with my ex-husband. Not having a child at that time was a great choice.
My husband was 50-years old when we decided that we wanted to start a family. Yes, I am aware just how old we will both be when our son graduates high school. I'm not particularly worried though because I'm sure that the stadium will be wheelchair accessible. My husband didn't have any children, I didn't have any children, but we both wanted children with each other.
When I was pregnant, I would fret that this little newcomer would somehow drive a wedge between us. I worried that I couldn't possibly have enough love in my heart for both my husband and my baby. I was convinced that I would short-change one or both of them. My fears were so unnecessary. Now I believe that the heart has an endless capacity for love.
I'm so thankful for my husband and my son. I could never deserve such joy and happiness and yet I've been so blessed with this family that I love. I know that having a child was a great choice.
I like to think that I hold the hearts of my husband and my son, but they really hold mine.
Seeing those three children playing together really warmed my heart. I sometimes can't believe just how much joy children add to life. Sure, they are ungrateful, demanding, and expensive. But they are also so sweet and loving. Just when you wonder why you ever thought it was a good idea to start a family, your little one will run up, throw their grubby paws around you, and give you a kiss. I cherish those moments and always wish that they happen more frequently.
Once upon a time, I didn't want any kids. I was in a terribly unhappy marriage and it was very dark, loveless. I wanted out of my life and certainly didn't want to bring another life into my personal nightmare. I'm glad I didn't have children with my ex-husband. Not having a child at that time was a great choice.
My husband was 50-years old when we decided that we wanted to start a family. Yes, I am aware just how old we will both be when our son graduates high school. I'm not particularly worried though because I'm sure that the stadium will be wheelchair accessible. My husband didn't have any children, I didn't have any children, but we both wanted children with each other.
When I was pregnant, I would fret that this little newcomer would somehow drive a wedge between us. I worried that I couldn't possibly have enough love in my heart for both my husband and my baby. I was convinced that I would short-change one or both of them. My fears were so unnecessary. Now I believe that the heart has an endless capacity for love.
I'm so thankful for my husband and my son. I could never deserve such joy and happiness and yet I've been so blessed with this family that I love. I know that having a child was a great choice.
I like to think that I hold the hearts of my husband and my son, but they really hold mine.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
One Spark Starts a Fire
I have a shiny sink. I must adore seeing a pristine kitchen sink because once I saw it this morning, I turned around and went back to my bedroom. That may not make sense right now, but it will. Once in my bedroom, I made sure my bed was made, I got dressed (right down to the shoes), and I put on some make-up. All before getting my little tater tot out of his crib.
My boy, clearly used to seeing Mama wearing a robe and slippers every morning, did a double take when I entered his room. I opened his curtains and blinds (don't ask why both are necessary, just know that they are) and announced that we had a busy day ahead of us. I quickly grabbed some clothes for my son and I knew exactly where to begin our day.
After breakfast, I returned to the kiddo's room and opened his closet. His closet is huge and we only use one-third of it for his clothes. I couldn't believe just how stuffed his section was because he only wears about six different outfits in rotation. I do laundry every night, so it isn't like the boy never has clothes to wear, but I was bothered by all the extra clothes this morning - the ones he never wears. Why did he never wear these clothes? And was it really necessary to keep them with the clothes he wears every day?
My son wears size 24-months/2T in everything. I found onesies (and he hasn't worn onesies in months - that should have been my first clue what I would find), pants, shorts, and swim clothes. Onesies were in every size from 18-months down to 9-months. I found pants in the same range. And I found shorts that were now so short they could probably be considered bikini pants. I filled a huge box with all of the clothes he had outgrown. I'm saving clothes for our next child (whenever that may be), so I can't donate or give them away, but I could get them out of his closet. And I did.
As I was cleaning, I came across some shoes that he had outgrown. He had an aversion to footwear for the longest time, so they were hardly worn at all. I boxed them up to give to Sport Chalet for distribution in Haiti. After I boxed up the kiddo's old shoes, I ventured into my own closet. Before I heard about the shoe drive at Sport Chalet, I threw two pair of tennies away earlier this week. So why did I still have three freaking pair of tennies that I never wear in my closet? They were boxed up too.
Then I noticed that my husband's shirts were hanging from the closet doors. I opened his side of the closet and found places to put his dry cleaning. I regret that I didn't go through his shoes for donation, but I was concerned that I might toss a pair that he wanted to keep.
Once I spent about an hour on these tasks, I figured we deserved a break. So I loaded the boxes of shoes in the car and we dropped them off to our friend who is doing the shoe collection. Then we met with another friend and her kiddo for lunch. I excitedly shared how productive my morning had been and we both couldn't believe that it all started with the stupid shiny sink.
The little one took a nap once we returned home from playing with our friends. Uncharacteristically, I did not. See, I had my shoes on and in reaching down to take off my shoes I thought that I might want to tackle a couple of things that I'd been putting off. The shoes stayed on and I was off flying once again.
Cosmetics. I love cosmetics and I like to play with them. But I wear very little make-up in my daily life. In fact, I couldn't remember the last time that I had played in my cosmetics case. I opened my case, took a deep breath, and forced myself to be brutally honest. The truth is that I haven't even touched any of my "fun" make-up in over 20-months. So I pulled over a trashcan and out it went. I don't even own a single lipstick anymore. And I don't care because I haven't really worn it in years anyway. I'm a gloss gal these days - easier to apply on the run.
Feeling oddly liberated, I turned my attention to my clothes. I had a stack of eight pair of jeans that I haven't worn in 15-years. I have moved this stack of jeans to five different places I've lived at in those 15-years. Why am I keeping clothes that I don't wear? I can't say why I have held on to those jeans. Perhaps they signify my wild youth? Or maybe I just have trouble parting with clothes I like, even if they don't fit? I don't really care why I've kept those jeans. I just want to get rid of the clutter. Out went the jeans.
In less than 1 1/2 hours of purging, I got rid of two boxes of clothes and two boxes of shoes. None of these items were being used by anyone in my home and none of these items will be missed. How extraordinarily blessed we have been! We have so many material things that literally boxes of them can disappear and our lives will go on without skipping a beat.
So what spark started this fired frenzy of activity? A shiny kitchen sink. And why was my sink shiny? It's all thanks to www.flylady.net a wonderfully motivating website if ever there was one. If your life is cluttered, if your home is a disaster, check it out - you'll be glad you did!
NOTE: I am not being paid by The Fly Lady.
My boy, clearly used to seeing Mama wearing a robe and slippers every morning, did a double take when I entered his room. I opened his curtains and blinds (don't ask why both are necessary, just know that they are) and announced that we had a busy day ahead of us. I quickly grabbed some clothes for my son and I knew exactly where to begin our day.
After breakfast, I returned to the kiddo's room and opened his closet. His closet is huge and we only use one-third of it for his clothes. I couldn't believe just how stuffed his section was because he only wears about six different outfits in rotation. I do laundry every night, so it isn't like the boy never has clothes to wear, but I was bothered by all the extra clothes this morning - the ones he never wears. Why did he never wear these clothes? And was it really necessary to keep them with the clothes he wears every day?
My son wears size 24-months/2T in everything. I found onesies (and he hasn't worn onesies in months - that should have been my first clue what I would find), pants, shorts, and swim clothes. Onesies were in every size from 18-months down to 9-months. I found pants in the same range. And I found shorts that were now so short they could probably be considered bikini pants. I filled a huge box with all of the clothes he had outgrown. I'm saving clothes for our next child (whenever that may be), so I can't donate or give them away, but I could get them out of his closet. And I did.
As I was cleaning, I came across some shoes that he had outgrown. He had an aversion to footwear for the longest time, so they were hardly worn at all. I boxed them up to give to Sport Chalet for distribution in Haiti. After I boxed up the kiddo's old shoes, I ventured into my own closet. Before I heard about the shoe drive at Sport Chalet, I threw two pair of tennies away earlier this week. So why did I still have three freaking pair of tennies that I never wear in my closet? They were boxed up too.
Then I noticed that my husband's shirts were hanging from the closet doors. I opened his side of the closet and found places to put his dry cleaning. I regret that I didn't go through his shoes for donation, but I was concerned that I might toss a pair that he wanted to keep.
Once I spent about an hour on these tasks, I figured we deserved a break. So I loaded the boxes of shoes in the car and we dropped them off to our friend who is doing the shoe collection. Then we met with another friend and her kiddo for lunch. I excitedly shared how productive my morning had been and we both couldn't believe that it all started with the stupid shiny sink.
The little one took a nap once we returned home from playing with our friends. Uncharacteristically, I did not. See, I had my shoes on and in reaching down to take off my shoes I thought that I might want to tackle a couple of things that I'd been putting off. The shoes stayed on and I was off flying once again.
Cosmetics. I love cosmetics and I like to play with them. But I wear very little make-up in my daily life. In fact, I couldn't remember the last time that I had played in my cosmetics case. I opened my case, took a deep breath, and forced myself to be brutally honest. The truth is that I haven't even touched any of my "fun" make-up in over 20-months. So I pulled over a trashcan and out it went. I don't even own a single lipstick anymore. And I don't care because I haven't really worn it in years anyway. I'm a gloss gal these days - easier to apply on the run.
Feeling oddly liberated, I turned my attention to my clothes. I had a stack of eight pair of jeans that I haven't worn in 15-years. I have moved this stack of jeans to five different places I've lived at in those 15-years. Why am I keeping clothes that I don't wear? I can't say why I have held on to those jeans. Perhaps they signify my wild youth? Or maybe I just have trouble parting with clothes I like, even if they don't fit? I don't really care why I've kept those jeans. I just want to get rid of the clutter. Out went the jeans.
In less than 1 1/2 hours of purging, I got rid of two boxes of clothes and two boxes of shoes. None of these items were being used by anyone in my home and none of these items will be missed. How extraordinarily blessed we have been! We have so many material things that literally boxes of them can disappear and our lives will go on without skipping a beat.
So what spark started this fired frenzy of activity? A shiny kitchen sink. And why was my sink shiny? It's all thanks to www.flylady.net a wonderfully motivating website if ever there was one. If your life is cluttered, if your home is a disaster, check it out - you'll be glad you did!
NOTE: I am not being paid by The Fly Lady.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
A Little Sunshine
After more than a week of rain, I woke this morning to find that the sun was shining.
I enjoyed a few hours (and a tasty lunch) with a couple of my Mommy friends and their sons. We chatted about many topics and had quite a few laughs. Our boys were rather spirited, but they also seemed to have a good time.
I would have never known either of these women had I not joined a mother's group. I discovered the group on-line and it appealed to me because it was for women who delivered children in 2008. We are a diverse group who are brought together by our children. It seems like we've all been friends for ages and now I can't imagine not having such close relationships.
Your family is expected to love you. But your friends are extra special because they choose to love you. I am very blessed because I have wonderful friends. I hope that I am as good a friend to them as they are to me.
My husband and my son are like air to me. And my friends are like sunshine. :)
I enjoyed a few hours (and a tasty lunch) with a couple of my Mommy friends and their sons. We chatted about many topics and had quite a few laughs. Our boys were rather spirited, but they also seemed to have a good time.
I would have never known either of these women had I not joined a mother's group. I discovered the group on-line and it appealed to me because it was for women who delivered children in 2008. We are a diverse group who are brought together by our children. It seems like we've all been friends for ages and now I can't imagine not having such close relationships.
Your family is expected to love you. But your friends are extra special because they choose to love you. I am very blessed because I have wonderful friends. I hope that I am as good a friend to them as they are to me.
My husband and my son are like air to me. And my friends are like sunshine. :)
Friday, January 22, 2010
I'm Living Another Woman's Dream
Though I sometimes feel like my life is a nightmare that I have created, I realized that I am living another woman's dream. That woman is my husband's ex-wife.
He dated his ex for nine years, meeting within months of starting college. It sounds to me like they were happy together in those early years, but I find it odd that he never asked her to marry him in all those years. When they were in their late-20s, she issued an ultimatum of sorts and that resulted in their wedding. Hindsight being 20/20, he knows now that being forced into a marriage is never a good idea. But he was relatively young and he didn't want to lose her, so he married her. They were married for eleven years. Curiously, they never had a child in the entire 20-years that they were together.
My husband's ex-wife wanted children very much. She wanted to quit working and concentrate on getting pregnant and then stay home to raise their little ones. My husband kept putting it off, saying that he just didn't want kids. Well, that's not quite the full story. He indicates that he was afraid that they would end up divorced and that's the main reason why he refused to enter parenthood with her. They did end up divorced, so I think his reasoning was sound.
They had what might be the only truly amicable divorce in history. They didn't hate each other. They didn't fight all the time. Neither of them was unfaithful. But she walked out one day and they began divorce proceedings.
They are friendly to this day. They call each other on their birthdays and a couple of times throughout the year. He occasionally visits with his former mother-in-law, who still calls my husband her favorite son-in-law. I have met his ex-wife and, while I didn't think she was particularly friendly, she seems to be a decent woman. I've met her mother several times and she's a charming lady. We even introduced her to our son and she was smitten with my husband's little lookalike.
His ex remarried not long after the divorce. Though in her 40s, she tried desperately to have a child. They spent untold thousands on several rounds of IVF. When it became clear that she would not have a biological child, she focused on adoption. Sadly, that path to parenthood was also blocked. About a year after my husband and I married, she indicated that they were just going to give up all attempts to get a baby. In a passive-aggressive fashion, she blamed him for her fertility problems. And, it's true, she spent her most fruitful years with him. But I hardly think blame needs to be cast in his direction because she could have left much earlier if she was so determined to have a baby.
She called my husband at some point just before I delivered and mentioned that his mother must have given up hope of ever seeing a grandchild from him. She was stunned silent when he replied that I was weeks away from delivery. They haven't spoke much since then and I think I can understand why. But he was talking with her the other day and casually mentioned that he'd been working six and seven days a week for months. She indicated that I must be exhausted without him around because I have to work and care for the baby. The conversation ended shortly after he revealed that I do not work because I care for the baby.
I don't have any ill-feelings toward my husband's ex-wife. She made terrible choices that robbed her of her dream. I am living her dream with the husband who claimed he didn't want this life. I feel sorry for her.
He dated his ex for nine years, meeting within months of starting college. It sounds to me like they were happy together in those early years, but I find it odd that he never asked her to marry him in all those years. When they were in their late-20s, she issued an ultimatum of sorts and that resulted in their wedding. Hindsight being 20/20, he knows now that being forced into a marriage is never a good idea. But he was relatively young and he didn't want to lose her, so he married her. They were married for eleven years. Curiously, they never had a child in the entire 20-years that they were together.
My husband's ex-wife wanted children very much. She wanted to quit working and concentrate on getting pregnant and then stay home to raise their little ones. My husband kept putting it off, saying that he just didn't want kids. Well, that's not quite the full story. He indicates that he was afraid that they would end up divorced and that's the main reason why he refused to enter parenthood with her. They did end up divorced, so I think his reasoning was sound.
They had what might be the only truly amicable divorce in history. They didn't hate each other. They didn't fight all the time. Neither of them was unfaithful. But she walked out one day and they began divorce proceedings.
They are friendly to this day. They call each other on their birthdays and a couple of times throughout the year. He occasionally visits with his former mother-in-law, who still calls my husband her favorite son-in-law. I have met his ex-wife and, while I didn't think she was particularly friendly, she seems to be a decent woman. I've met her mother several times and she's a charming lady. We even introduced her to our son and she was smitten with my husband's little lookalike.
His ex remarried not long after the divorce. Though in her 40s, she tried desperately to have a child. They spent untold thousands on several rounds of IVF. When it became clear that she would not have a biological child, she focused on adoption. Sadly, that path to parenthood was also blocked. About a year after my husband and I married, she indicated that they were just going to give up all attempts to get a baby. In a passive-aggressive fashion, she blamed him for her fertility problems. And, it's true, she spent her most fruitful years with him. But I hardly think blame needs to be cast in his direction because she could have left much earlier if she was so determined to have a baby.
She called my husband at some point just before I delivered and mentioned that his mother must have given up hope of ever seeing a grandchild from him. She was stunned silent when he replied that I was weeks away from delivery. They haven't spoke much since then and I think I can understand why. But he was talking with her the other day and casually mentioned that he'd been working six and seven days a week for months. She indicated that I must be exhausted without him around because I have to work and care for the baby. The conversation ended shortly after he revealed that I do not work because I care for the baby.
I don't have any ill-feelings toward my husband's ex-wife. She made terrible choices that robbed her of her dream. I am living her dream with the husband who claimed he didn't want this life. I feel sorry for her.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
The Blessings a Baby Brings
It was a rainy day today, the saddest type of day for a funeral. I understand etiquette and I had misgivings about bringing the baby, but we had no alternative so the three of us bundled up and we set out in the blustery downpour. I plied the little one with snacks and drinks throughout the service in an effort to keep him quiet and still. Of course, being a typical toddler, he could not sit quietly for two hours and my husband had to periodically remove him from the sanctuary.
Juanita Sarmiento lived nearly 90 years. She is survived by her husband, seven children, 28 grandchildren, 10 great-grandchildren, and 3 great-great-grandchildren. Last June, she and her husband celebrated 66 years of marriage. Today I heard her family tell many sweet, and some downright humorous, anecdotes about their beloved Mama, Tia, y Abuela. One of her sons indicated that she used to say that her children weren't really hers, but that they were on loan from God. He added that she was also on loan and God wanted her to be with Him. Many were sad to say goodbye to this remarkable woman, but also expressed their confidence of seeing her again in Heaven. And it's true that even in death, we have hope.
Mrs. Sarmiento's daughter Yolanda worked with my husband for many years, many years ago. My husband and Yolanda have kept in touch and remained friends. We invited her to our wedding and she brought her parents, which is how I met Mr. and Mrs. Sarmiento. Though I only had the privilege to meet Mrs. Sarmiento but once, I could tell that she was a kind and loving woman. The innumerable mourners today verified what I suspected back in June 2005.
Toward the end of the service, it was time to pay our respects and offer condolences to the family. We didn't bring in the stroller, so my husband was holding the little one. We solemnly moved past the casket and approached the family. Yolanda, and the rest of the family, were so pleased to see us, to see our son. A few family members teased smiles and giggles out of my sweet boy. Where there had been tears, there were now smiles. I thank God for the blessing of my son every single day, but I will give additional thanks tonight for the blessings he has brought to others.
My son brought the blessing of joy to a grieving family, if only for a brief moment. And I am so thankful for that.
Juanita Sarmiento lived nearly 90 years. She is survived by her husband, seven children, 28 grandchildren, 10 great-grandchildren, and 3 great-great-grandchildren. Last June, she and her husband celebrated 66 years of marriage. Today I heard her family tell many sweet, and some downright humorous, anecdotes about their beloved Mama, Tia, y Abuela. One of her sons indicated that she used to say that her children weren't really hers, but that they were on loan from God. He added that she was also on loan and God wanted her to be with Him. Many were sad to say goodbye to this remarkable woman, but also expressed their confidence of seeing her again in Heaven. And it's true that even in death, we have hope.
Mrs. Sarmiento's daughter Yolanda worked with my husband for many years, many years ago. My husband and Yolanda have kept in touch and remained friends. We invited her to our wedding and she brought her parents, which is how I met Mr. and Mrs. Sarmiento. Though I only had the privilege to meet Mrs. Sarmiento but once, I could tell that she was a kind and loving woman. The innumerable mourners today verified what I suspected back in June 2005.
Toward the end of the service, it was time to pay our respects and offer condolences to the family. We didn't bring in the stroller, so my husband was holding the little one. We solemnly moved past the casket and approached the family. Yolanda, and the rest of the family, were so pleased to see us, to see our son. A few family members teased smiles and giggles out of my sweet boy. Where there had been tears, there were now smiles. I thank God for the blessing of my son every single day, but I will give additional thanks tonight for the blessings he has brought to others.
My son brought the blessing of joy to a grieving family, if only for a brief moment. And I am so thankful for that.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Counting My Blessings
WARNING: Some content may be TMI.
I was sure this was it! I was so sure that I was pregnant.
And then I bled on Wednesday. I told myself that it was just implantation bleeding. I was fine on Thursday and I continued telling myself that I was pregnant. But I took a pregnancy test at 3:00 in the morning on Friday. I was up and just had to do it. It was negative. I told myself that I probably took the test too early and decided to take another test in a few days. But I started bleeding in the afternoon. And by bleeding, I mean BLEEDING. It's definitely one of those months that I feel like a transfusion would be entirely appropriate.
I spent my afternoon alternating between sleeping and sobbing while my son took a three hour nap yesterday. I don't take disappointment very well and I was so sure that this was it! I feel like a total jerk for getting my hopes up so high so prematurely.
My husband was sad too, but I believe that I feel this disappointment so much more than he can. Mostly because I feel like it's my fault. It's hard to explain why I take the blame and I won't even try to attempt it here. But, yes, my rationale does sound somewhat crazy even to my own ears.
In the middle of last night's monthly pity party, I cried that every freaking unprepared woman on the planet and every alley cat in the street can get pregnant. In my mind it makes sense that we should get a baby since we can afford a baby and we're capable of nurturing a baby. And it seems unjust that those who can't afford a baby and those who can't properly care for a baby seem to get pregnant with such relative ease.
My husband said, "But, honey, you can get pregnant. Look at our little boy."
That line stopped me in my tracks. He's right. I have experienced pregnancy. I had an unconventional delivery, and certainly not the delivery I wanted, but I have delivered a baby. I have been fortunate to be able to stay home with my baby since he was born. I nursed him for a little over a year. I have had a baby and I am so thankful for him.
In my pursuit of getting a baby in my womb, I have forgotten how blessed I am to have the babe in my arms. If I never have another child, I have already been blessed more than I could ever deserve. And for that I'm most thankful.
I was sure this was it! I was so sure that I was pregnant.
And then I bled on Wednesday. I told myself that it was just implantation bleeding. I was fine on Thursday and I continued telling myself that I was pregnant. But I took a pregnancy test at 3:00 in the morning on Friday. I was up and just had to do it. It was negative. I told myself that I probably took the test too early and decided to take another test in a few days. But I started bleeding in the afternoon. And by bleeding, I mean BLEEDING. It's definitely one of those months that I feel like a transfusion would be entirely appropriate.
I spent my afternoon alternating between sleeping and sobbing while my son took a three hour nap yesterday. I don't take disappointment very well and I was so sure that this was it! I feel like a total jerk for getting my hopes up so high so prematurely.
My husband was sad too, but I believe that I feel this disappointment so much more than he can. Mostly because I feel like it's my fault. It's hard to explain why I take the blame and I won't even try to attempt it here. But, yes, my rationale does sound somewhat crazy even to my own ears.
In the middle of last night's monthly pity party, I cried that every freaking unprepared woman on the planet and every alley cat in the street can get pregnant. In my mind it makes sense that we should get a baby since we can afford a baby and we're capable of nurturing a baby. And it seems unjust that those who can't afford a baby and those who can't properly care for a baby seem to get pregnant with such relative ease.
My husband said, "But, honey, you can get pregnant. Look at our little boy."
That line stopped me in my tracks. He's right. I have experienced pregnancy. I had an unconventional delivery, and certainly not the delivery I wanted, but I have delivered a baby. I have been fortunate to be able to stay home with my baby since he was born. I nursed him for a little over a year. I have had a baby and I am so thankful for him.
In my pursuit of getting a baby in my womb, I have forgotten how blessed I am to have the babe in my arms. If I never have another child, I have already been blessed more than I could ever deserve. And for that I'm most thankful.
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