Thursday, February 3, 2011

Me So Hooooorny!

Yeah, I just stole the title of this post from two pop culture references.  Do you know the movie and the song?  My alternate title was:  One Week Down, Five More to Go

What's the surest way to make me think of something non-stop?  Much like dealing with a spoiled child, tell me I can't have something and that is all I want to have or think about.  I want to throw myself a tantrum on the floor and beg for whatever it is that I can't have. 

What am I restricted from for five more weeks?  Sex.

I get that I just had a completed miscarriage and all that, but why was I told that I needed 6-weeks of "pelvic rest?"  I read the hospital discharge paperwork and was taken aback at the severity of most of the restrictions, but this one really threw me for a loop.  Seriously, six-friggin'-weeks.  A month and one half.  In case you're wondering, I don't think that's considered a short amount of time and I sure as heck don't like to have my hoo-haw ordered on lockdown.

This waiting period seems rather excessive since I'm not in any pain and I'm certainly good to go - if you know what I mean.  Add in that I've been on doctor-ordered pelvic rest nearly non-stop since the end of November and you might understand why I'm chomping at the bit to get back to business with my hubs.
I think my lonely pelvis has only been in full operation for like two solid weeks since the very end of November and it's friggin' February now.  How much rest does one pelvis really need??  I can truthfully say that my pelvis is plenty rested at this point!

And what the heck does "pelvic rest" mean anyway?  I get that penile penetration is probably out, but what about everything else?  Is third-base still on the table?  And, if that's not okay, then why does every doctor I see lately feel compelled to get their gloved hands up my vadge?  What about orgasms?  Will I wreck something up there if I just go for the Big O by myself?  Is horseback riding okay?  What about enjoying a glass of wine and setting the washing machine to agitate for a good long while?

I've come to the conclusion that these doctors hate my husband, therefore I have had a perpetual pelvic rest restriction for what seems like forever.  Do these doctors want me to go bat-shit crazy?  Because, if so, the diabolical plan is totally working. 

In closing, remember this helpful bit of advice the next time you're trying to decide whether or not to have kids or go to the doctor:  Kids don't kill your sex life - doctors do!


  1. I know the doctor says no sex for 6 weeks after having a vag delivery. I am thinking that it is because of the trama it has gone through. The cervix dialating etc. I only waited 4 at most.

  2. Well, my cervix was manually dilated and everything was vacuumed out of my uterus, but I don't think I have any vaginal trauma.

    BTW, there's a six-week restriction after a c-section too and I hadn't even stopped bleeding by then! Yikes!