Thursday, February 10, 2011

Is This My Midlife Crisis?

I suspect that I'm at the beginning of a midlife crisis.  Yeah, I realize that my midlife crisis has come a little early as 29 is quite young to experience a midlife crisis. . .uh, you won't have the bad taste to remind me that I am, in fact, closer to 40 than 30, will you?!  If so, just eat me & STFU. 

In any event, I'm acutely aware that I'm at the midpoint of life if I die at 70 and I feel this general malaise and dissatisfaction that I can not figure out.  What is killing me is that I'm aware that my life is pretty freaking sweet for the most part and I'm struggling with what my problem may be with my life.  Seriously, I don't have much to complain about at all!

But I feel this yearning, this longing for something. . .something.  Something that I can't put my finger on.  Something feels off and I want it back on.

Yeah, it's been a rough twelve-months.  My beloved father has been within a breath of death twice.  We attended around eight funerals last year - I actually lost count.  My only brother, my beloved brother, died unexpectedly at the tender age of 41.  I finally conceived my darling precious baby after 19-months and that sweet babe died at only 10-weeks gestation.  And my body took two emotionally painful weeks before finally expelling that much-wanted baby.  Things are generally fucked up in my babyworks and I'm feeling old & barren.  The grey hair on my head totally matches my mood.  My 2 1/2-year old son acts like he hates me and I've found myself wondering why I left the salary I left to actually spend the time and effort to raise that little one. 

I used to feel like one of life's winners, but I increasingly find myself feeling like a pathetic failure.  And, dammitall, if there is one thing that I detest, it's fucking failures.  I always felt that I could make magic happen, but I feel like a fraud these days.  I don't feel like a winner.  I feel like a freaking loser.

I feel put upon, but I feel that all I want to do is put out.  I'm damn-near obsessed with banging my husband and I wonder why I'm only interested in feeling him inside of me; I need him to fill me up. . .feeling me up is cool too!  What has brought on this absolute obsession?  Do I feel hollow?  Empty?  Well, I guess I do.  And I am.  Not that either of us is complaining, understand, I just find it interesting that I need to feel him in me to feel whole these days.

I feel so generally screwed up inside that I just don't know what to think.  My shit's all fucked up and I don't know what to make of anything.  Dammit, I didn't spend over $10K on therapy in my lifetime to feel so screwed up now.  Why am I struggling so mightily?  Is this all just typical life?  If so, I freaking hate it! 

I want to find my joy again. . .I was ridiculously happy at one time.  Unbelievably happy.  Losing this baby, losing my brother, has really messed my stuff up.  Dammitall!  I hate grief!  I am so fucking sick of feeling grief!  Where is my joy?!  When will it return?!

My darling husband has accurately pointed out that things have been pretty screwed up lately.  Obviously, right?  Anyway, he thinks my hormones are still messed up from the miscarriage and he may well be right.  Oh, I wanted that baby so damn much!  That child would have helped heal so many wounds. . .but it wasn't meant to be.  And I'm aware that I may well still have hormones screwing my stuff up, but it doesn't necessarily make it easy to take.

So where am I now?  I don't know.  I'm feeling like I want to be totally irresponsible and hedonistic.  I'd like to get naked, screw a lot, drink a lot, smoke a lot of cigarettes, possibly do a bump or two of coke. 

But where am I really?  I'm a middle-aged housewife, feeling the weight of the world upon her, knowing that she has to march on and be strong & sensible for her husband and her young son.  I'll continue being a model wife and mother. . .but Paul Simon's lyrics will continue to haunt me.  From Slip Sliding Away:

"I know a woman became a wife
These are the very words she uses to describe her life
She said a good day ain't got no rain
She said a bad day's when I lie in bed and think of things that might have been"

What might have been?  Man, I don't know.  Where would I have been without my wonderful husband?  Without our sweet little boy?  I can't say anything other than I think it wouldn't have been such a sweet life.  And I really have been blessed with a fantastically sweet life.

I found out last week that we were significantly outbid on a house that we both liked.  I was bothered because it was the first house in four years that both of us have liked.  Upon reflection, I'm okay with losing out on that house.  I'm okay with living in this house for the rest of my life as long as I have my marvelous husband and our darling boy with me.  I could accept living anywhere as long as I have the very air that I breathe. . .that is, my husband and our son.  My midlife may be gearing up, but those two are my touchstones and I thank God for them each and every day.

Have you gone through a midlife crisis?  Can you share any details?  I'm hurting and feeling so damn confused these days so please share anonymously if you'd like, but do feel free to share.

1 comment:

  1. Girrrl, this is right up my alley, girl this is not a midlife crisis, this is your soul crying out, I bet u feel like your life is being wasted and you should be doing something like making a difference in the world like you are running out of time and you need to figure out what it is now, and I bet you feel restless all the time. You might not believe this now, but you will later so pay attention to what Im going to say, you are not having a midlife crisis, you dont need therapy and although the sex thing is really good for your marriage but this is the thing what you are going through right is internal (spiritual) and you cannot fill a spiritual void with things of this world. Ive been through this 3 times in my life and the first time i was about 24 yrs old and it happend when i first really started reading the bible, i went through an identity crises and found out that all the things i believed to be true about life was oh so wrong. what I learned at 24 prepared me for what was about to come later in life and that is what you are going through now, I had read all about this experiance over and over and I didnt know why god was showing me this stuff when it had nothing to do with my life at the time. Little did I know he was preparing me for the experiance that would come later on when I was 32. My life was good, had my own place a job that I liked and I was good at it, but it wasnt enough, believe me I had my own ways of trying to fill the void, then 1 night I was working the graveyard shift at my work and I worked for an answering service so it was really quiet and slow so I turned on the tv to keep me company and some preacher was on the first thing I heard him say was spritiual restlessness and he started to talk about it and say how non-believers have no idea whats going on inside of them and the feeling is so overwhelming that the non-believer who has it becomes totally focused on themselves and trying to fill this huge void that is inside of them by leaving there husband or wife for someone younger or because they think someone elses money will fill the void, some woman get plastic surgery some men buy sports cars or start hanging out at strip clubs all sorts of things, then when they realize that all that stuff doesn't change anything, depression starts setting in and they think there is something wrong with themselves and just when the nonbeliever thinks things couldnt get worse the devil adds guilt & shame to the person for the people who got hurt and the familys that were destroyed during the persons irratical behavior. Then he went on to talk about jobe in the bible and how the devil went to god telling him that the only reason job worships you and loves you is because he has no sorrow in his life & if he had everything taken away from him that he would not love god anymore, so god let satan put job through the test and if you know the story then you know job lost everything he was avery wealthy man, he lost his wife & family and even became ill with lepersy and he never doubted god or gods love for him, he didnt understand it because he had done nothing wrong, but his faith never faultered and when all was said and done, he got everything back and way more. So basically what im telling you is that feeling you are going through is actually caused by God and satan battling over your soul, it happens to everyone and it happend to me but I was blessed to have had been shown how to recognize the devils handywork and how to defeat him. You are a believer wich means at the exact moment god declared you saved, is the exact moment the devil declared war on you. So know this there is nothing wrong with you, your faith is being tested. as a matter of fact you are doing something right thats why the devil is fighting so hard for you. Dont believe his lies if he gets you to believe one then it will be like a domino affect. Now I bet when you had asked for some input you didnt plan on this. lol I will pray for you..