Breastfeeding is Biologically Normal So Why Do I Feel Like a Freak?

As always, I feel the need to point out that being pro-breastfeeding does not make me anti-formula.  I don't care if a woman immediately chooses to use formula with her newborn.  It's not my baby, it's not my choice.  I am pro-breastfeeding and I want every woman to be able to reach her breastfeeding goals - whatever those goals may be.

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I think it's safe to say that people tend to say stupid things when they are uniformed and/or uneducated.  Few things bring out the crazy-talk quite like things that make us feel threatened, judged, or inferior.  Take breastfeeding, for example. 

The World Health Organization (WHO) recommends breastfeeding continue until AT LEAST 2-years of age.  Yeah, but we're Americans so we're supposed to thumb our noses at the rest of the world and do what we want to do, right?  Not so fast there, Cowboy. . .even the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recommends ONLY breastmilk until the infant reaches 6-months of age and breastmilk with solids until AT LEAST one-year of age.  Oh.

Does this mean you suck (heh!) if you didn't breastfeed that long?  No.  Does this mean you are the worst mom ever if you just plain didn't want to breastfeed.  Nope.  Does this mean you should be a judgemental douche toward women who do choose to nurse their children (their walking & possibly talking children - oh noes!) according to these guidelines.  Absolutely not! 

Unfortunately, I find that this very thing happens all too often.  I don't know what it is about information that is so damn threatening, but women frequently respond as if these recommendations are a personal attack.  That's a shame because they just might be a little less judgemental toward a mother who is breastfeeding outside of their own notion of when it is "appropriate" to feed a baby - infant or toddler.

I have a 16-month old and that child still breastfeeds several times every single day.  Some days more, some days less, but an average is 6 to 8 nursing sessions each day.  My baby eats table food and drinks from a cup. . .but my baby also still nurses straight from the tap and that's perfectly normal.

My husband has always supported me breastfeeding our children and am I thankful for that because I might not have stuck with it if I had a man-child at home whining about his babies on my breasts.  I have learned a lot about human lactation over the years so I had the education to succeed and, for that, I am thankful.  I also did not have any physical obstacles that might make breastfeeding particularly difficult and that makes me very fortunate.  I had a desire to breastfeed and I know why I'm doing it.  I'm secure in my decision to breastfeed outside of infancy. 

It's not like I'm some wild & crazy lactivist.  I don't whip my tits out and make a spectacle of myself when I'm nursing my baby.  I'm just a middle-aged suburban mother of two children.  So why is it that I'm always carrying on about breastfeeding? 

It's because even people who I know and love sometimes run their mouths and say things that are hurtful.  Things that make it sound like I'm some sort of weirdo, some fanatic, for feeding my child in the way my body was designed.  Breastfeeding is biologically normal, so why do people try to make me feel like such a freak?

As I already said, I'm secure in my decision so nothing anyone says is going to sway my decision to breastfeed my toddler.  Not all women are so comfortable.  Some women are only hanging on by a thread. . .they are just one nursing session away from giving up.  One dirty look, one snotty comment, one ill-informed opinion away from replacing their nipple with one of latex or silicone, replacing their own human breastmilk for their baby in favor of giving the babe cow milk. 

The very thought that these women might be discouraged from reaching their breastfeeding goals because someone else thinks it's strange, perverted, or "icky" is infuriating to me.  I nurse my baby anytime and anywhere because I wouldn't hesitate to do the same if he were being given a bottle and this has allowed me to hear some interesting comments.  Let's look at some utterly ridiculous statements I've heard about breastfeeding, shall we?  Buckle up, Buttercup, away we go!

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"Breastfeeding is a special moment between mother and child so it should be done in private."  Breastfeeding is eating.  Breast - FEEDING, get it?!  If you wouldn't eat your sandwich in private. . .no, if you wouldn't tell a bottle feeding mother to feed her baby in private, then you shouldn't say the same to a breastfeeding mother. 

"It's immodest to breastfeed in public."  Modesty is subjective and my personal comfort level may not be the same as yours.  Your sense of modesty does not trump my baby's right to eat.  Period.

"If they have teeth, they shouldn't be breastfeeding."  Breastfeeding is nurturing and nutritive so I don't understand why teeth matter in this arbitrary age cutoff.  Some babies are born with teeth. . .should they not be permitted to breastfeed?

"If they can ask for it, they're too old for it."  I find this interesting because usually we're excited that baby can finally communicate and we're eager to respond favorably so baby continues to communicate.  Why is nursing any different than baby asking for a cracker or a cup of water?  My baby has been able to open my nightgown, push aside my sleep bra, and latch on for a midnight snack since he was an infant.

"Are you going to use a cover?"  I have used a nursing cover and I find that they draw even more attention to what I'm doing.  That said, I don't prefer to make anyone around me uncomfortable so I do try to minimize any possibility of exposing my nipples. . .because that's the thing that freaks everyone out, right?  A nipple.  I can show cleavage, incredible amounts of cleavage, all day long and no one thinks anything about it.  A little nipple gets exposed and the entire world goes mad!

"I get that breastfeeding is natural.  Peeing is natural too so should we just start doing that in public too?"  Comparing breastfeeding in public to urination in public is comparing apples to oranges.  One has to do with eating/feeding/comforting a baby and the other has to do with the end result of eating/drinking.  The correct comparison would be:  if a woman can choose to publically feed her baby the way her body was designed to feed  her baby, then I should be able to eat in public.  Oh, wait. . .you can eat in public!  So can a breastfed baby.

"Adults can look away and be mature, but kids and teens might be weirded out by breastfeeding in public so you should be considerate and cover up."  I've heard and witnessed more nonsense from adults than from children when I've nursed my baby in public.  If anything, children seem curious about this way of feeding a baby.  Breastfeeding will never be considered normal (and it is biologically normal for mammals to breastfeed) if we continue to cover it up and hide it away. 

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I am aware that bottle feeding mothers (whether the bottle contains breastmilk or formula) also face judgement and that sucks too.  My children accepted bottles for such a short period that I have no idea what it's like to have a baby take one and feel the weight of militant milkers all up in my baby's meal.  That said, I can't think of a single instance in which a bottlefeeder was asked to leave an establishment or a public place because they were bottlefeeding their child.  This does happen to breastfeeding mothers and it is wrong.  Wrong, wrong, wrong. 

I am thankful that society will eventually think nothing of nursing an infant or toddler in public and I hope that my children's generation is the one that decides that shaming breastfeeding mothers is as backward and wrong as racial segregation.

What is it with Women?

What is it with women?  If we can't be supportive, can't we at least be respectful toward each other?  Do we always have to disdain women who have different opinions or make different choices than us?  My specific gripe is with women who insert themselves into your personal choice about how to feed your own baby.

If you've had a baby, you know that you have a choice right off the bat:  formula feed or breastfeed.  We all know that breast milk is best, but the fact is that not everyone wants to go through the effort to establish a nursing relationship.  I can totally understand their feelings as I had a loooong learning curve when it came to breastfeeding.  I suffered mightily for seven weeks before I didn't hurt with every feeding.  And feedings occurred every ninety minutes.  Imagine pain visited upon your impossibly tender and sore nipples every ninety minutes around the clock for nearly two months.  Breastfeeding may be perfectly natural, but it sure did not come easily to me!

I really hated breastfeeding in the early days and it's hard to say who cried more in those early weeks, the baby or me.  Okay, I'll admit that it was definitely me.  I was stubborn though and I wanted to give my son the very best nutrition so I kept moving forward in my attempts to establish a good nursing relationship with my son.  I'm very thankful that I was able to become a SAHM for many reasons and a big one is that I know I would have quit breastfeeding and just went with formula had I returned to work.

As I've indicated in previous blog posts about breastfeeding, I am a fan of the practice.  I exclusively breastfed my son until he was around five months old.  That means that he only received nourishment from my breasts for that entire time.  I continued to nurse him until he was over one year old and fully weaned him shortly after his first birthday.  Though we had a rocky start, I ended up having a remarkably easy breastfeeding relationship with my son.

Look, we all know that breast is best, but it is no one's business how someone else chooses to feed their own baby.  Some moms don't get the support and resources to establish a good breastfeeding relationship so they turn to a bottle of formula out of desperation.  Some just don't want to for other reasons; maybe they think it will make their boobs droop, maybe they don't want to be tied down to their new baby, maybe it's some other reason.  A very small percentage are physically unable to produce enough milk no matter what they do to increase their milk supply.  And some simply cannot because their medications are contraindicated; chemotherapy patients, for example.  Regardless of the reasons, it doesn't matter because it is ultimately their decision how they feed their own baby and *it has nothing to do with anyone else.

Breastfeeding was the best way for me to feed my son, but that doesn't mean that I should be hurtful toward someone who chooses to formula feed - for whatever reason.  Since I was so determined to nurse our son, formula feeding was NOT going to happen, my husband is always surprised by my opinions on this topic.  I know that I'm incredibly opinionated.  Heck, this blog is primarily made up of my opinions and thoughts.  While I've been known to forcefully state an opinion or two, I hope that it's clear that my opinions aren't indictments toward others who feel, act, or raise their children differently - vaccination being the notable exception.  Vive la difference, as our French friends would say. . .

Women tend to judge themselves harshly and it's a rare woman who meets her own standards.  No matter what we do, it's never enough and this causes plenty of Mom Guilt.  Since we are our own worst critic, we don't need other moms heaping it on too. 

Come on, ladies, you don't have to approve of or even support different parenting choices, but can we just try to be nice toward each other?


*Ignoring the long term health impact of mothers & children and the societal impact of breastfeeding v formula feeding infants.

BABIES: Wearing v Carrying?

If you've been reading this blog (or my old blog) for any amount of time, or if you know me personally, you probably realize that I adore babywearing.  I will always be an advocate for babywearing on your body instead of baby-hauling in some sort of baby gear like an infant car seat/carrier or stroller.  Please understand that I have a very definite opinion on the matter and it may differ from your own feelings.

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Back in April, I designed a six-page handout titled Babywearing Basics for my local mama group.  In the introduction, I explained that many types of modern baby gear subtly encourages Western mothers to not touch their babies.  You might feel that I'm being unfair, but think about it for a minute.  Infant car seat/carriers, bouncy seats, infant sitters, swings, jumperoos, johnny jump ups, strollers, and who knows what else are all incredibly popular and require virtually zero interaction with the infant being contained.

Of course, I didn't belabor the point because I know that not every mother I know agrees with that assessment.  But I still believe it's absolutely true.  I might be unreasonable, but it seems like the babies who end up suffering from Container Syndrome would agree.

Not surprisingly, I didn't have an infant car seat/carrier prior to my son's birth.  Many friends insisted that I would want one. No, that I would need one.  I was told that I won't want to wake the baby if he falls asleep in the car, I was told that it's more convenient to carry a baby in the car seat than take them out, and I was told that I'd change my mind and want one once the baby arrived.  As it turns out, none of those points were a valid concern in my situation.

I trusted my instincts and held off on buying one.  I ended up just sticking with a convertible car seat that could be used safely with a baby as lightweight as five pounds.  My eight-pounder easily fit in the convertible car seat and I never once regretted my decision to eschew an infant car seat/carrier.

I don't care if you love/loved infant car seat/carriers and use/used one all the time.  That's your choice to make and your right as a parent to make that decision for your own child.  I just would never ever use one with my own child.  Neither opinion is right or wrong, they are simply differences in opinion.

I hate infant car seat/carriers above all other types of baby gear.  There.  I said it and I'm not ashamed of my feelings.  I also acknowledge that my opinion on infant car seat/carriers is only based on my observations and the research that I've done on them.  I never used one so I really can't comment on their effectiveness, convenience, or safety. 

What's my beef with the ubiquitous infant car seat/carrier?  I actually had a couple of reasons for not liking them.  One, they all are so heavy and bulky.  It always looks like an awkward item to carry.  Why would I want to tote my tot in a heavy piece of gear when I have two capable arms or a cozy carrier?  Two, a car seat that so easily detaches from the base just doesn't seem as safe as one that is completely anchored to the vehicle via LATCH or seat belt.  As I've learned more about infant oxygenation levels and how SIDS is related to deep and uninterrupted sleep, I actually have a third gripe that is probably much more legitimate, but more on that later. . .

I didn't really know much about babywearing, but I knew that I wanted to try it out.  I am so glad that I did! Thanks to my stubbornly unmovable breech baby, I had a c-section.  I couldn't lift my stroller out of the car for months after my son was born. That also means that I would not have been able to life an infant car seat/carrier out of the car.  It isn't an exaggeration to say that I don't know how I would have survived those earliest days of motherhood if it hadn't been for safe babywearing options.

I purchased a stretchy wrap and familiarized myself with how to wrap yards of fabric around my body to create a safe seat for my bundle of joy.  I wore my darling little baby in that wrap from the moment we arrived home from the hospital; mainly because I was afraid that I would drop him. Typical new-mom jitters, right?  Additionally, I think that thanks to keeping him upright and belly to belly with me in a wrap, he had outstanding neck control and was able to push up to look around at only one month of age.

I think he liked being carried so close too. I suppose every new mother thinks their child is absolutely wonderful, but he really was a very pleasant baby. As an infant, he only cried when I didn't pick up on his hunger cues or, much later on, when he was teething. Even taking him out of the car seat if he was sleeping didn't really bother him all that much.  He might have stirred awake a little bit, but he'd cuddle right up to me in the wrap and oftentimes would just snuggle or fall back to sleep.  I don't know if his easy-going attitude was because I wore him or not, but I will definitely wear any subsequent children I may have in the future!

My son was worn in a wrap for his first six months or so and then I started to use the stroller. The only reason I stopped wearing him is because he grew too heavy to wear in my wrap. I used the Ultimate Baby Wrap and it became a real hassle to have to constantly adjust & tighten due to his increasing weight demand on the stretchy fabric.

Knowing what I know now, I would have simply transitioned him to a woven wrap.  Or a ring sling.  Or an adjustable pouch.  Or an SSC.  Or a mei-tai.  Or an onbuhimo.  Yes, there are plenty of options for babywearing older infants clear into toddlerhood!

I rediscovered babywearing when my son was nearly 18-months old.  Oh, I am so thankful that I did!  I purchased several styles of barely used carriers from a certain meetup organizer (you know who you are!) and my son happily transitioned out of the stroller when I reintroduced baby/toddlerwearing into our lives.

I wonder now how I parented all of those long months without babywearing.  Thanks to putting in hours upon hours upon hours at hospitals and medical centers this year, I have truly come to love babywearing.  Hands-free parenting of my toddler has been a requirement while navigating wheelchairs and helping "patients" into and out of vehicles.  On top of that benefit, it has been so nice to keep my son close, comfortable, and quieted while in impossibly stressful situations.

Even now, at nearly 2 1/2 years of age, my son still likes to go "in the pouch" or on "mama's back."  Putting him in a carrier often wards of meltdowns and tantrums, it helps him feel secure when he's overwhelmed, and it gives him a cozy place to snooze if he's tired while we're out & about.  Just this weekend I pouched him for thirty minutes to calm him when we were at church and it worked like a charm.

Though my son can certainly walk, there are still plenty of places we go that I need to keep him safe and secure - whether it's in a stroller or a carrier doesn't really matter.  My son is too tall for his regular stroller so I haven't used it in months.  But he still easily fits in my ring sling, pouch, and ERGO so here's to enjoying many more months of baby/toddlerwearing!

Did you wear or carry your baby or do some mix of both?  How did you find that your choices made your life easier when learning how to live with a new baby?  Please share your feelings below.