Saturday, January 8, 2011

My Baby's Heartbeat Has Stopped

There's no easy way to say this so I'm just going to come right out with it:  My baby's heart isn't beating any longer.  My baby's heart has stopped and my heart is broken.

My baby died.  My sweet darling baby, the baby who I've longed for, the baby who I pray for every day, the baby who I already call by name, that same baby is dead.  I feel like I'm in some horrible nightmare, but it's reality.  My baby died.

I experienced some light leaking yesterday and I wasn't sure what it was, but I was inclined to believe that it was just the normal fluid that's been hanging out down there lately.  I woke up this morning and was experiencing moderate bleeding.  Not as heavy as a period, but enough to need to wear a pad.  Along with that blood came a few very small clots.  I screamed and started sobbing when I saw the clots.  I think I knew then, but I hoped for the best.  I called my husband home and we went to the emergency room. 

The ER doctor was puzzled that there was no sign of blood while he performed a manual pelvic exam.  It had been 1 1/2 hours since I first bled.  He was further surprised that my cervix was totally closed.  I was feeling pretty positive at this point.  It sounded like it was just some weird bleeding that sometimes happens.

Then he did a quick abdominal ultrasound.  It was really quick.  He said that he was ordering a full scan and he'd return to discuss the results.  I had a bad feeling because I figured he'd tell me everything is fine if he could see my baby and the heartbeat. 

The ultrasound technician didn't tell me anything (they aren't allowed to) and her face was expressionless as she performed the abdominal and trans-vaginal ultrasounds.  She was fairly chatty wheeling me in for the ultrasounds, but she was quiet - somber - bringing me back.  I was fairly certain this meant there was bad news.

The ER doctor came back and confirmed my worst fears.  My baby is still there, but there isn't a heartbeat.  He sent a gynecologist in to discuss my options.  In other words, to help me decide how to remove my dead baby.  The doctor was very kind and gave me three choices.  I could let this miscarriage continue naturally, I could let them force it along with some pills that cause you to expel the baby, or I could have a D & C. 

I elected to let the miscarriage continue naturally.  Since I've inexplicably stopped bleeding, there's no telling when it will start up again.  There's also a chance that all fetal tissue won't be expelled and, worst case scenario, I'll need a D & C anyway. 

Forgive me for being crazy, but the only reason I chose to go the natural route is because I'm desperately clinging to the hope that maybe all three ultrasounds were wrong.  My husband looked so sad when I told him why I wanted to take a wait & see approach.  I told him that I'm not bleeding anymore so maybe it was just some "normal" spotting that sometimes happens.  He reminded me that no heartbeat means that there is no life.  Somewhere deep down, I know he's right.  But I can't stop hoping for a miracle. 

My son put his hands on my lower abdomen when I returned home and said, "Mama has a baby."  That is the first time that he's done that and I had been holding it together fairly well until then.  In his sweet innocence, I know he thought it would make me happy to hear him talk about the baby.

You know, the name that I dreamt for this baby, the name that I call this baby, means God is with Us.  I know He is. . .even in these horrible moments.

11 comments:

  1. Oh Heather, I am so sorry. I know nothing I can say will really express my feelings right now. Just know that if there is anything I can do for you all you have to do is ask. You will be in my thoughts.

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  2. Dear Heather, I am so sorry for you & your family's loss. Losing a baby is the toughest thing to go through and you will never forget your baby. I have gone through this, no heartbeat then D & Cs, twice, and what comforts me is that they are in Heaven with my other family members that are there. You just gave a little niece or nephew to your brother and he'll take good care of the little one. Another thing that helped me was that it is so common, although no one really talks about it. All I know is it's so horrible and I'm so sorry you are going through this. If you ever want to talk let me know. Big hugs.

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  3. Thank you both for the kind words.

    And thank you, Marlies, for sharing your pain. It is horrible.

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  4. OH sweet heather, My heart aches for you. I miscarried a couple years ago & it is a pain no one can understand unless they have been there. I do not one bit blame you for taking the wait and see approach. :( *hugs* momma!

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  5. Thank you, Jenilee. I know I'm being crazy, but I'm hoping that they'll find a heartbeat in two weeks when I go back to the doctor's office.

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  6. Of course, it's ridiculously unlikely that three ultrasounds are wrong. . .but that hope is all I have now.

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  7. Hi the same thing happen to me on Monday, had a little spot on the saturday then it stopped. Waited until Monday morning just to check every thing was ok, then they told us no heatbeat and no movement. Four years ago we had a baby boy who was born at 26 weeks, we had him for 7 wonderful months before he passed away. Sadly he never come home from hospital, this little one was through IVF he was going to be perfect, nothing was going to happen. Life is just not fair, how do you move on? I don't think i can anymore. Life is just to sad.

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  8. Anonymous, if I could, I would wrap you up in a great big hug. I'm so sorry about both of your losses. . .you are right; life is not fair. I can't imagine how you're feeling because no one can know another's pain, but I do know that eventually the tears will stop flowing so frequently. The hurt is always there, but it isn't always the same crushing grief as time continues marching forward. Take your time, acknowledge your very real grief over your very real loss, don't let anyone dictate the "appropriate" way to grieve because we all grieve differently and for varying lengths of time. Some people just won't understand, I think a mother's grief makes them uncomfortable sometimes, but I encourage you to talk about your pain when you need to (find someone loving & supportive to talk with) and to withdraw into yourself when you want solitude. Love and peace to you. . .

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  9. I just had this happen to me yesterday :( I just don't understand how my baby's heart could just stop :'( jus 3 weeks ago my baby had a strong heartbeat and moving around and yesterday I jus go in for my 12 week ultrasound and no heartbeat :'( I just dont understand....I too have a 4 year old and a 3 year old and it's hard to tell em what happen...they know there baby sister...I know I was having a girl I could jus feel it...is in the sky...she's a star...but today I had my d and c and I feel this complete emptiness and nobody understand how much it hurts...I feel empty in a matte of 24 hours my life was flipped upside down...I was going into the hospital pregnant and happy and excited and 24 hours after I leave with no baby...no pregnancy...just empty...:'( I try think it's wats best but I can't help but remember seeing a healthy baby 3 weeks ago....it's cruel joke I feel like I'm going his wake up and it's a dream...maybe I'm being punished idk...I jus wish I had the answers :'(

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  10. Anonymous, I know that empty feeling all too well. It's a pain that I will never forget and I'm sorry that you've had to experience it. It is so hard to accept this kind of loss and I understand wanting to be awakened from the horrible dream that is actually reality. I ended up waiting and hoping against hope for two-weeks before my baby exited my body. It happened and I somehow found a way to continue putting one foot in front of the other because it's all that can really be done - especially with another child at home. I wish you had the answers and wish that I did too. I will never forget my dear sweet missing baby and it still hurts to think of the baby who I never was able to hold. Love and peace to you. . .

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  11. I am so sorry for you. God will give u happiness just wait for it.neihad

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