There's no easy way to say this so I'm just going to come right out with it: My baby's heart isn't beating any longer. My baby's heart has stopped and my heart is broken.
My baby died. My sweet darling baby, the baby who I've longed for, the baby who I pray for every day, the baby who I already call by name, that same baby is dead. I feel like I'm in some horrible nightmare, but it's reality. My baby died.
I experienced some light leaking yesterday and I wasn't sure what it was, but I was inclined to believe that it was just the normal fluid that's been hanging out down there lately. I woke up this morning and was experiencing moderate bleeding. Not as heavy as a period, but enough to need to wear a pad. Along with that blood came a few very small clots. I screamed and started sobbing when I saw the clots. I think I knew then, but I hoped for the best. I called my husband home and we went to the emergency room.
The ER doctor was puzzled that there was no sign of blood while he performed a manual pelvic exam. It had been 1 1/2 hours since I first bled. He was further surprised that my cervix was totally closed. I was feeling pretty positive at this point. It sounded like it was just some weird bleeding that sometimes happens.
Then he did a quick abdominal ultrasound. It was really quick. He said that he was ordering a full scan and he'd return to discuss the results. I had a bad feeling because I figured he'd tell me everything is fine if he could see my baby and the heartbeat.
The ultrasound technician didn't tell me anything (they aren't allowed to) and her face was expressionless as she performed the abdominal and trans-vaginal ultrasounds. She was fairly chatty wheeling me in for the ultrasounds, but she was quiet - somber - bringing me back. I was fairly certain this meant there was bad news.
The ER doctor came back and confirmed my worst fears. My baby is still there, but there isn't a heartbeat. He sent a gynecologist in to discuss my options. In other words, to help me decide how to remove my dead baby. The doctor was very kind and gave me three choices. I could let this miscarriage continue naturally, I could let them force it along with some pills that cause you to expel the baby, or I could have a D & C.
I elected to let the miscarriage continue naturally. Since I've inexplicably stopped bleeding, there's no telling when it will start up again. There's also a chance that all fetal tissue won't be expelled and, worst case scenario, I'll need a D & C anyway.
Forgive me for being crazy, but the only reason I chose to go the natural route is because I'm desperately clinging to the hope that maybe all three ultrasounds were wrong. My husband looked so sad when I told him why I wanted to take a wait & see approach. I told him that I'm not bleeding anymore so maybe it was just some "normal" spotting that sometimes happens. He reminded me that no heartbeat means that there is no life. Somewhere deep down, I know he's right. But I can't stop hoping for a miracle.
My son put his hands on my lower abdomen when I returned home and said, "Mama has a baby." That is the first time that he's done that and I had been holding it together fairly well until then. In his sweet innocence, I know he thought it would make me happy to hear him talk about the baby.
You know, the name that I dreamt for this baby, the name that I call this baby, means God is with Us. I know He is. . .even in these horrible moments.