I was heavily pregnant five years ago. My son had inexplicably turned breech right at the very end of that text-book easy pregnancy. My dream of natural, drug-free vaginal birth was in jeopardy and I was suddenly facing the possibility of a c-section. Sure, plenty of women have had breech vaginal deliveries. . .but that wasn't what ended up happening with my delivery.
I can still remember the day that I was lying on the couch in the living room and my abdomen began to resemble that famously gross scene from the movie Alien. I could not believe the movement that was going on inside my body. It was creepy to watch, somewhat painful to feel, and I ended up feeling beat up on the inside. At my next appointment, my doctor was startled to discover that my baby had found a way to turn breech. His expression was one of pure shock and he spat out, "Is that your baby's head?!" Why, yes, yes it was his head. . .suddenly lodged up near my breastbone.
My doctor attempted to turn the baby in his office. I believe he truly tried to flip that baby and can say that it was very uncomfortable from a physical standpoint. Being so very near the end of pregnancy and so full of baby in my belly. . .ugh, it really kinda sucked and I was so upset that the baby was not turning even with a grown man pushing full force on my abdomen. I'd be 39-weeks on the weekend and he was scheduled at the hospital that Saturday so he told me to come to L & D so he could try to turn baby there. The reasoning was that we could head directly to the OR for a c-section if anything truly distressing happened to the baby while he was attempting to flip the baby.
On this night five years ago, I prayed fervent prayers. I prayed for my baby to turn, for me to avoid a surgery, for all to work out according to my wishes. Well. . .my baby did not turn, I did not avoid a surgery, but it ultimately did work out.
My amniotic fluid was low enough at that point that attempting the version was not on the table. My doctor said that he was there, I was there, I was at term, and the baby was breech. He offered the c-section right then if I wanted it. I burst out that I thought he'd flip my baby back down and I'd have a vaginal birth and that I thought my delivery would be what I wanted. I realize now that he & my husband exchanged a look (confirmed by speaking with my husband) and I think both of them thought I knew I was walking into that hospital for a c-section that day.
I did not know.
I was so thrown for a loop that I actually left my shoes in that L & D room and walked off without ever finding them again. It was many many hours before my surgery was actually performed. Hours that I spent feeling uncomfortably hungry and thirsty. Oh, man, I have NEVER felt so thirsty. Starting the IV helped a little, but my mouth positively ached for liquid refreshment.
I was there for over eight hours. . .waiting for the surgery that I did not want. . .hoping that I could somehow avoid this (in my view) unnecessary surgery. . .praying that I could keep the baby in for one more week so that my mother could be near me.
My in-laws were there nearly the entire time. . .I remember my mother-in-law sitting in that room with me, trying to keep my mind off my anxiety and fears, being a solid rock of support for me. It's a kindness that I can never repay.
At some point I inquired if it wasn't time for my doctor to go home and if that meant I'd get to go on home too. The L & D nurse was a treat, so very well suited to the job, and she let me know that if my doctor said he'd be there for my surgery that he absolutely would not be leaving until I was stable in recovery no matter how many more "emergency" c-sections showed up. I still remember that nurse by name and she is one who I made sure to give a special gift to weeks later when I was up for returning to the hospital with my new babe.
I had never been admitted into a hospital prior to this birth. I'd never had a major surgery. I'd never delivered a baby. To say I was anxious would be an understatement. I was scared to death.
It was a day of firsts. It was a day that I held my heart - outside of my own body. The first time that I was able to hold a child of mine.
The surgery was perfect and looking back it was as good as could be hoped for in a surgical delivery. The recovery sucked and I didn't see my new baby for two hours as I desperately tried to move my legs enough while in recovery to be sent up to my room to be reunited with my baby. There are only three or four post-op photos of me holding my first son while we were in the hospital. One that painfully tugs at my heart is one where I was on the phone with my mother who was 3,000 miles away and I was crying while holding the phone and cradling my new baby for the first time.
So much has changed in these five years and I can say that it has flown by in the blink of an eye. I can't believe that the baby who nuzzled at my awkward breast is now a five-year old who is on the cusp of Kindergarten. I should have cherished those fleeting early baby days. . .those impossibly exhausting early baby days. They will never return that that boy will only continue to grow and mature.
What do I hope for my dear first son? I hope that he keeps his kind and loving heart. He is so sweet and empathetic. I hope that his spirit is free when it can be, but that he learns when it's advisable to reign in his head-strong nature. I hope that he remains a fundamentally good human being. I hope that he finds a special someone who appreciates and admires him for who he is and that his spouse is a generously loving helper who isn't emotionally wounded. I hope for the best for my dear boy. . .he's smart and can be so charming. My darling son. . .I love that boy so much that words fail.
So much has changed in the last five years. I earned a new title: Mother. I know there are times that I miserably fail, but I do aim to bring honor and respect to that title. I became responsible for a human being who needs me to grow and thrive. . .who needs my guidance to learn how to thrive and succeed in society. I really can not believe my son is now five years old. It honestly does feel like it was only yesterday that I first held that beautiful baby with the dimpled chin. Only yesterday that I put my nose in his hair and nearly wept over the joy of his smell. Only yesterday that this newest chapter of my life began. I was living before. . .but I was finally alive.
Showing posts with label baby. Show all posts
Showing posts with label baby. Show all posts
Friday, May 17, 2013
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Healthy Babies ARE NOT All That Matters!
Most people who read this blog know that I developed Intrahepatic Cholestasis of Pregnancy (ICP or sometimes just called CP) near the end of my last pregnancy. That diagnosis, along with the bleeding I experienced throughout each trimester, effectively made it my last pregnancy as my husband & I are not willing to experience another roller coaster ride of a pregnancy. Besides, we're old and it was time to stop cheering for Team Babyworks.
I mention ICP because early delivery is the standard practice with those pregnancies. That is, delivery no later than 38-weeks. The reason is that fetal outcomes are not as favorable with longer gestation. That's a very delicate way of saying the one thing that strikes fear in the heart of every single pregnant mother: longer gestation in an ICP pregnancy is linked to increased chance of stillbirth.
There is a broad swing in what is considered a full-term pregnancy - anything between 38- and 42-weeks. Generally speaking, baby is better off baking in your uterine oven as long as possible. That means that delivery (via induction or, as is a fairly common outcome for induction, a c-section) that is scheduled just for the sake of not being pregnant anymore, to choose your baby's birthday, or because your OB is going on vacation near your actual estimated due date are generally agreed upon to not be good reasons to evict your fetal stowaway.
Regardless of the reasons why your baby is born early, you might second guess your decision to deliver so soon. You may well do this if your baby is perfectly healthy and it's nearly guaranteed that you will if your baby does not fit your mental picture of healthy perfection. Mother's Guilt is strong, whether it's warranted or not. Frankly, it seems to me that the ones who have the least to feel guilty about are the ones who agonize the worst.
Witnessing a loved one or a fellow mother beat herself up emotionally over decisions that can't be undone is hard. Well-meaning people may say things like, "Well, your baby is healthy and that's all that matters." Or, "Baby was born and his here now and that's all that matters."
These lines, and those like them, have always bothered me. I don't think most people are trying to be hurtful when they say things like this, but it is hurtful. These statements are dismissive and demeaning. These statements completely invalidate the mother's feelings. It's like saying that not only is she wrong for feeling uneasy about her decisions, but it's also saying she's wrong for having the feelings in the first place because having the baby here now is all that matters.
I struggled with years to make peace with my first son's c-section. My feelings of inadequacy and outright maternal fraud were surprising to me, but they were very real and very painful. My baby was healthy and I still ached over making the wrong choice. Was it the wrong choice? I don't know, but it's the one I made. I can't undo it. It took years, but I no longer feel an intense longing when I think of his birth. I made the best decision I could with the information I had. Would I make the same choice today? It doesn't matter, but I would.
Hearing nearly everyone I know and love tell me that, "You're okay and he's okay so it all worked out and that's all that matters," did not help me. Being told that I'm just as much a mother as any other mother didn't help. Listening to one c-section story after another didn't make mine feel any more "normal." Time was probably the greatest source of healing. Well, that's not entirely true. It was time and having an experience that made my body feel even more broken. Having my last baby (high-risk pregnancy, advanced maternal age, early delivery and all), restored me in more ways than I could have possibly imagined.
Healthy babies are the ultimate goal, but they are not all that matters. Healthy mother matters too. . .physically, emotionally, and mentally. If she's wounded in any of those areas, it matters - and don't try to tell her otherwise.
Have you struggled to make peace with your birthing experience? What helped? What didn't? Please share in the comments if you'd like and accept a big ol' virtual hug from me. I know it's hard and I'm sorry that you're struggling. {{{hug}}}
I mention ICP because early delivery is the standard practice with those pregnancies. That is, delivery no later than 38-weeks. The reason is that fetal outcomes are not as favorable with longer gestation. That's a very delicate way of saying the one thing that strikes fear in the heart of every single pregnant mother: longer gestation in an ICP pregnancy is linked to increased chance of stillbirth.
There is a broad swing in what is considered a full-term pregnancy - anything between 38- and 42-weeks. Generally speaking, baby is better off baking in your uterine oven as long as possible. That means that delivery (via induction or, as is a fairly common outcome for induction, a c-section) that is scheduled just for the sake of not being pregnant anymore, to choose your baby's birthday, or because your OB is going on vacation near your actual estimated due date are generally agreed upon to not be good reasons to evict your fetal stowaway.
Regardless of the reasons why your baby is born early, you might second guess your decision to deliver so soon. You may well do this if your baby is perfectly healthy and it's nearly guaranteed that you will if your baby does not fit your mental picture of healthy perfection. Mother's Guilt is strong, whether it's warranted or not. Frankly, it seems to me that the ones who have the least to feel guilty about are the ones who agonize the worst.
Witnessing a loved one or a fellow mother beat herself up emotionally over decisions that can't be undone is hard. Well-meaning people may say things like, "Well, your baby is healthy and that's all that matters." Or, "Baby was born and his here now and that's all that matters."
These lines, and those like them, have always bothered me. I don't think most people are trying to be hurtful when they say things like this, but it is hurtful. These statements are dismissive and demeaning. These statements completely invalidate the mother's feelings. It's like saying that not only is she wrong for feeling uneasy about her decisions, but it's also saying she's wrong for having the feelings in the first place because having the baby here now is all that matters.
I struggled with years to make peace with my first son's c-section. My feelings of inadequacy and outright maternal fraud were surprising to me, but they were very real and very painful. My baby was healthy and I still ached over making the wrong choice. Was it the wrong choice? I don't know, but it's the one I made. I can't undo it. It took years, but I no longer feel an intense longing when I think of his birth. I made the best decision I could with the information I had. Would I make the same choice today? It doesn't matter, but I would.
Hearing nearly everyone I know and love tell me that, "You're okay and he's okay so it all worked out and that's all that matters," did not help me. Being told that I'm just as much a mother as any other mother didn't help. Listening to one c-section story after another didn't make mine feel any more "normal." Time was probably the greatest source of healing. Well, that's not entirely true. It was time and having an experience that made my body feel even more broken. Having my last baby (high-risk pregnancy, advanced maternal age, early delivery and all), restored me in more ways than I could have possibly imagined.
Healthy babies are the ultimate goal, but they are not all that matters. Healthy mother matters too. . .physically, emotionally, and mentally. If she's wounded in any of those areas, it matters - and don't try to tell her otherwise.
Have you struggled to make peace with your birthing experience? What helped? What didn't? Please share in the comments if you'd like and accept a big ol' virtual hug from me. I know it's hard and I'm sorry that you're struggling. {{{hug}}}
Friday, February 8, 2013
Motherhood. . .Sooo Gross!
My baby has been cutting the same teeth since around Thanksgiving. He's been drooly, pukey, weepy, clingy, and screamy. He's demanded snuggles, cuddles, nursie, and chewie toys. One tiny tooth finally started peeking from his pink gums a couple of weeks ago. I took a breath and enjoyed having my sweet & happy baby back again.
Then the molars started erupting. His upper left gum gave the first indication of what was to come when I noticed one night that it was swollen and black. My first thought was that the poor little guy had a rotten tooth before it even showed up. No, he had an eruption hematoma. It looked terrible, within a week, he had another one show up on his lower right gum. I have never seen gums nearly this swollen and it was painful just to look at it so I really felt for my baby.
I've tried everything to relieve the poor child's pain and nothing really works for long. The only thing that seems to make him happy for very long is to be cradled and nursed. So I've done a lot of that in the last few weeks to get the kid through this tough time.
Those molars finally started appearing and I was looking forward to getting my sweet baby back. I probably would have, but he caught a little cold. Or, at least, I think it's possible that he has a cold. He tends to get a runny nose when teeth are coming, but it normally only lasts a couple of days. He's had a runny nose now for several days and it doesn't seem to be improving.
Teething and a cold. . .just the ticket to getting a good night of sleep! Yeah, no, it pretty much is guaranteed that I won't sleep tonight any more than I have the last three nights. The upside is that I can doze a little while he's tucked in bed and nursing. The downside is that I have a bitey baby in bed with my breast in his mouth. Babies don't use their teeth at all when actively nursing, but he tends to clamp down as he drifts off to sleep. That's right, I've ended up with bleeding nipples a time or two this week. Yeouch!
So bleeding nipples and two eruption hematomas are gross enough, but it's nowhere near the zenith of grossness. You might even think that it doesn't even warrant a blog post whining about the grossness of motherhood. Keep reading you sickos.
One of the things that is most amazing about breastfeeding is that the body will produce antibodies in response to what the mother is exposed to and this helps strengthen the immune system of the breastfed child. It is one of the reasons that breastfed children tend to not get ill as frequently as their formula fed counterparts. With this in mind, I frequently kiss my kids. Well, I'd kiss them anyway, but I make sure to up the kissy-kissy stuff when anyone in the family is feeling poorly so that baby can get the maximum benefit.
I fed my baby some chicken dinosaurs for lunch earlier this week. Yeah, yeah, I fed my baby chicken dinosaurs - go ahead and judge. They take less than a minute and he eagerly eats them. Heck, even I like them and I generally hate kiddie fare. I suspect that the secret ingredient is crack. There is no secret ingredient? Well, damn, I just like crappy chicken dinosaurs!
So baby has had a runny nose and I've been all kissy monster on him lately because I want to help him fight whatever he's fighting. Or he just has a runny nose from teething and I don't need to kiss his sticky little face. I'll stick with kissing. . .but I'll make sure from here on out to really look where I'm planting my pucker.
I kissed his cheek after lunch and something ended up in my mouth. Typing that makes me realize just how gross it is, but it was not my thought process at the time. "Hey, a little bit of chicken dinosaur. Awesome! Hey, this chicken dinosaur bit is kinda salty. Why was it on his cheek? What is this bit of whatever in my mouth and why am I thinking about eating it??" I pulled it out and it was not a tiny bit of a chicken dinosaur.
It was a booger.
:::gag:::
Another gross thing happened. I know, another thing?! Yes, another thing. Some people ride the gravy train, but I apparently have a round trip ticket on the gross train. All aboard!
My baby was toddling around one day and I caught a stinky whiff of something. I figured that he had either tooted or pooped so I did the normal mom thing to check. No, not the novice mom thing where you sweep their crack with your finger. I just pulled the back of the diaper open and took a quick look.
A quick look - ha! Some things can not be unseen. Even things that were seen with a quick look!
What did I see? What was so gross? I saw him actually pooping in his diaper. Remember how I mentioned that he's all drooly & stuff from the teething? Liquid pouring out his mouth usually means liquid pouring out of his butt. I saw soft & liquidy poo filling the diaper.
I will never eat chocolate soft serve again. Never!
Then the molars started erupting. His upper left gum gave the first indication of what was to come when I noticed one night that it was swollen and black. My first thought was that the poor little guy had a rotten tooth before it even showed up. No, he had an eruption hematoma. It looked terrible, within a week, he had another one show up on his lower right gum. I have never seen gums nearly this swollen and it was painful just to look at it so I really felt for my baby.
I've tried everything to relieve the poor child's pain and nothing really works for long. The only thing that seems to make him happy for very long is to be cradled and nursed. So I've done a lot of that in the last few weeks to get the kid through this tough time.
Those molars finally started appearing and I was looking forward to getting my sweet baby back. I probably would have, but he caught a little cold. Or, at least, I think it's possible that he has a cold. He tends to get a runny nose when teeth are coming, but it normally only lasts a couple of days. He's had a runny nose now for several days and it doesn't seem to be improving.
Teething and a cold. . .just the ticket to getting a good night of sleep! Yeah, no, it pretty much is guaranteed that I won't sleep tonight any more than I have the last three nights. The upside is that I can doze a little while he's tucked in bed and nursing. The downside is that I have a bitey baby in bed with my breast in his mouth. Babies don't use their teeth at all when actively nursing, but he tends to clamp down as he drifts off to sleep. That's right, I've ended up with bleeding nipples a time or two this week. Yeouch!
So bleeding nipples and two eruption hematomas are gross enough, but it's nowhere near the zenith of grossness. You might even think that it doesn't even warrant a blog post whining about the grossness of motherhood. Keep reading you sickos.
One of the things that is most amazing about breastfeeding is that the body will produce antibodies in response to what the mother is exposed to and this helps strengthen the immune system of the breastfed child. It is one of the reasons that breastfed children tend to not get ill as frequently as their formula fed counterparts. With this in mind, I frequently kiss my kids. Well, I'd kiss them anyway, but I make sure to up the kissy-kissy stuff when anyone in the family is feeling poorly so that baby can get the maximum benefit.
I fed my baby some chicken dinosaurs for lunch earlier this week. Yeah, yeah, I fed my baby chicken dinosaurs - go ahead and judge. They take less than a minute and he eagerly eats them. Heck, even I like them and I generally hate kiddie fare. I suspect that the secret ingredient is crack. There is no secret ingredient? Well, damn, I just like crappy chicken dinosaurs!
So baby has had a runny nose and I've been all kissy monster on him lately because I want to help him fight whatever he's fighting. Or he just has a runny nose from teething and I don't need to kiss his sticky little face. I'll stick with kissing. . .but I'll make sure from here on out to really look where I'm planting my pucker.
I kissed his cheek after lunch and something ended up in my mouth. Typing that makes me realize just how gross it is, but it was not my thought process at the time. "Hey, a little bit of chicken dinosaur. Awesome! Hey, this chicken dinosaur bit is kinda salty. Why was it on his cheek? What is this bit of whatever in my mouth and why am I thinking about eating it??" I pulled it out and it was not a tiny bit of a chicken dinosaur.
It was a booger.
:::gag:::
Another gross thing happened. I know, another thing?! Yes, another thing. Some people ride the gravy train, but I apparently have a round trip ticket on the gross train. All aboard!
My baby was toddling around one day and I caught a stinky whiff of something. I figured that he had either tooted or pooped so I did the normal mom thing to check. No, not the novice mom thing where you sweep their crack with your finger. I just pulled the back of the diaper open and took a quick look.
A quick look - ha! Some things can not be unseen. Even things that were seen with a quick look!
What did I see? What was so gross? I saw him actually pooping in his diaper. Remember how I mentioned that he's all drooly & stuff from the teething? Liquid pouring out his mouth usually means liquid pouring out of his butt. I saw soft & liquidy poo filling the diaper.
I will never eat chocolate soft serve again. Never!
Friday, February 1, 2013
"Shouldn't He Be Weaned By Now?"
This is a note that I wrote on my personal Facebook page. I thought it was important enough to publish on my blog. Why am I so passionate about defending rights to breastfeed? Well, that's probably another blog post but the simple answer is because it's my baby, my breasts, my choice. Not your baby, not your breasts, not your choice. End of story.
"Shouldn't he be weaned by now?"
Surely I'm not the only breastfeeding mother who has heard this question and here is my answer. I will refer to this note each and every time I am asked the above question or any variation of the question that subtly implies I should not be breastfeeding my son.
The answer is the same if you're family, friend, or foe: I will do it until we're ready to quit and I have no idea when that will be so there's no sense in pressing the topic unless you're deliberately trying to antagonize me. There are zero negatives, it's so incredibly beneficial to child and mother, and he is barely even a year old so I haven't even once considered quitting yet. He won't be doing it forever and I'm so very glad that you're so concerned about my baby and me. The next time you ask, I'll be sure to gently enlighten you further that mammals are designed for this nurturing & nutritive activity and it is as normal a biological function as you eating your meal or drinking your beverage. Feel free to try to argue with me, but your problem isn't with me or my position- your problem is with science, history, and research. I know, I know, those darn pesky facts always getting in the way of an uneducated opinion!
Why is it that people feel that it is acceptable to ask such a question to a breastfeeding mother, but they wouldn't even think to ask a similar question to a bottle feeding mother? A friend put it very well when she said: my baby doesn't need to get off my boobs, but you need to get off my back. Indeed!
I don't think that people are trying to be jerks (most of the time), but I do think that there is a not-so-subtle pressure to wean long before now. It is sometimes disguised as concern (you must want a break from that baby), sometimes it's justified by anecdote (I had formula and I turned out fine), sometimes it's just sheer ignorance of human biology (they don't need breastmilk if they have teeth), and sometimes it's just douchebaggery. I prefer to believe that most people aren't in the last category. It's aggravating nonetheless and, in a less determined mother, it would probably shake her resolve to continue her breastfeeding relationship with her child. That is a shame and many women find their breastfeeding goals are subtly or overtly undermined by friends, family, and society in general. I'm a stubborn old mule these days and I will keep on keeping on because I'm confident in my decision. :-)
I can't necessarily blame people for thinking it's weird because society thinks it's weird and most people don't care enough about human lactation to educate themselves about it. They are just uniformed. Society says breasts are A-Ok for filling out bikinis, selling beer, and generally being sexy. Baby attached to something "sexy" is skeevy because babies are not sexy so on some level I do get why people get weirded out. However, someone with a hangup about basic biology is not my problem and it darn sure is not my child's problem. Educate yourself about it and you'll quickly get over it.
Once upon a time I was slack-jaw shocked to happen upon my 10-month old niece breastfeeding. To be fair, I was only 13-years old and I'd never seen such an old infant nursing. I almost laugh that I actually thought a ten-month old was pretty old to be nursing! I got over it. . .boy, did I! As my husband once teasingly said, I'm like Ms. La Leche League. Oddly enough, I've never once been to an LLL meeting. I just have a passion for helping women achieve their breastfeeding goals because I know that there is tremendous pressure to just give in and pop a bottle of formula in your baby's mouth. Unfortunately, it's sooo easy for that first bottle to be the beginning of the end of a breastfeeding relationship.
I have found that most people who get weirded out by seeing my son at my breast will be weirded out no matter how many facts and truths I present. Most of you guys have seen me breastfeed and I'm hardly a whip-out-the-boob type of nurser. I don't prefer to call a lot of attention to what we're doing when he's nursing. I will, however, absolutely not withhold breastfeeding from my baby if he needs/wants it no matter where we are or who is there and that is that. His right to eat is greater than your right to not feel icky about seeing him eat.
Did you catch that last part? His right to eat. It's breastfeeding. Feeding! My son has a right to eat. Just like you do. Just like I do. My son happens to get his milk from my breasts. He still has the right to eat. Period!
Part of the reason why I'm so vocal about supporting a woman's breastfeeding goals is because women who choose to breastfeed really do need a cheerleader to encourage them. It is not easy and society really does not encourage it. Things are better now in some ways (laws protecting the child's right to eat!), but worse in others because breasts are more sexualized than ever and you can hardly turn on the TV without seeing someone displaying their boobs. But a baby on the breast? Well, that's just gross & indecent! I've also heard people say they find nursing to be immodest, tacky, and classless. I'm glad that such backward thinking will eventually die out and hopeful that upcoming generations will be less likely to keep breasts solely in the "sexy" category. I'm definitely doing my part to normalize breastfeeding to my kids so they won't even bat an eye when they see a woman nursing her child.
You know, that's something that should outrage everyone: things are/were so messed up if you want to breastfeed your child that laws actually had to be enacted to protect your child's right to eat! It is a damn shame that laws had to be written to allow the feeding of another human being! No matter your position on breastfeeding, nursing in public, or anything else, that is an outrage!
Equally outrageous is that no one would say boo to me if I were bottle feeding my son at this age. Well, one or two might, but in general no one would have a single word to say if I were bottle feeding my one-year old. Society's bias against breastfeeding will change one day, but even my husband (hardly the most crunchy guy on the block) has noted that the pressure to remove your breast from your child is intense from the moment you leave the hospital. Frankly, I think his observation depends on the hospital as I happened to deliver our boys at a very breastfeeding friendly hospital with knowledgeable and supportive nursing staff. Even then, it was a horribly painful struggle with my first child and there were times that I questioned why I was still moving forward and trying to make breastfeeding work. I ended up nursing him until he was 13-months and I still regret that I weaned him at such a young age.
The easiest answer to your question is this: I'm not sure when he'll wean, but it will eventually happen.
***
"Shouldn't he be weaned by now?"
Surely I'm not the only breastfeeding mother who has heard this question and here is my answer. I will refer to this note each and every time I am asked the above question or any variation of the question that subtly implies I should not be breastfeeding my son.
The answer is the same if you're family, friend, or foe: I will do it until we're ready to quit and I have no idea when that will be so there's no sense in pressing the topic unless you're deliberately trying to antagonize me. There are zero negatives, it's so incredibly beneficial to child and mother, and he is barely even a year old so I haven't even once considered quitting yet. He won't be doing it forever and I'm so very glad that you're so concerned about my baby and me. The next time you ask, I'll be sure to gently enlighten you further that mammals are designed for this nurturing & nutritive activity and it is as normal a biological function as you eating your meal or drinking your beverage. Feel free to try to argue with me, but your problem isn't with me or my position- your problem is with science, history, and research. I know, I know, those darn pesky facts always getting in the way of an uneducated opinion!
Why is it that people feel that it is acceptable to ask such a question to a breastfeeding mother, but they wouldn't even think to ask a similar question to a bottle feeding mother? A friend put it very well when she said: my baby doesn't need to get off my boobs, but you need to get off my back. Indeed!
I don't think that people are trying to be jerks (most of the time), but I do think that there is a not-so-subtle pressure to wean long before now. It is sometimes disguised as concern (you must want a break from that baby), sometimes it's justified by anecdote (I had formula and I turned out fine), sometimes it's just sheer ignorance of human biology (they don't need breastmilk if they have teeth), and sometimes it's just douchebaggery. I prefer to believe that most people aren't in the last category. It's aggravating nonetheless and, in a less determined mother, it would probably shake her resolve to continue her breastfeeding relationship with her child. That is a shame and many women find their breastfeeding goals are subtly or overtly undermined by friends, family, and society in general. I'm a stubborn old mule these days and I will keep on keeping on because I'm confident in my decision. :-)
I can't necessarily blame people for thinking it's weird because society thinks it's weird and most people don't care enough about human lactation to educate themselves about it. They are just uniformed. Society says breasts are A-Ok for filling out bikinis, selling beer, and generally being sexy. Baby attached to something "sexy" is skeevy because babies are not sexy so on some level I do get why people get weirded out. However, someone with a hangup about basic biology is not my problem and it darn sure is not my child's problem. Educate yourself about it and you'll quickly get over it.
Once upon a time I was slack-jaw shocked to happen upon my 10-month old niece breastfeeding. To be fair, I was only 13-years old and I'd never seen such an old infant nursing. I almost laugh that I actually thought a ten-month old was pretty old to be nursing! I got over it. . .boy, did I! As my husband once teasingly said, I'm like Ms. La Leche League. Oddly enough, I've never once been to an LLL meeting. I just have a passion for helping women achieve their breastfeeding goals because I know that there is tremendous pressure to just give in and pop a bottle of formula in your baby's mouth. Unfortunately, it's sooo easy for that first bottle to be the beginning of the end of a breastfeeding relationship.
I have found that most people who get weirded out by seeing my son at my breast will be weirded out no matter how many facts and truths I present. Most of you guys have seen me breastfeed and I'm hardly a whip-out-the-boob type of nurser. I don't prefer to call a lot of attention to what we're doing when he's nursing. I will, however, absolutely not withhold breastfeeding from my baby if he needs/wants it no matter where we are or who is there and that is that. His right to eat is greater than your right to not feel icky about seeing him eat.
Did you catch that last part? His right to eat. It's breastfeeding. Feeding! My son has a right to eat. Just like you do. Just like I do. My son happens to get his milk from my breasts. He still has the right to eat. Period!
Part of the reason why I'm so vocal about supporting a woman's breastfeeding goals is because women who choose to breastfeed really do need a cheerleader to encourage them. It is not easy and society really does not encourage it. Things are better now in some ways (laws protecting the child's right to eat!), but worse in others because breasts are more sexualized than ever and you can hardly turn on the TV without seeing someone displaying their boobs. But a baby on the breast? Well, that's just gross & indecent! I've also heard people say they find nursing to be immodest, tacky, and classless. I'm glad that such backward thinking will eventually die out and hopeful that upcoming generations will be less likely to keep breasts solely in the "sexy" category. I'm definitely doing my part to normalize breastfeeding to my kids so they won't even bat an eye when they see a woman nursing her child.
You know, that's something that should outrage everyone: things are/were so messed up if you want to breastfeed your child that laws actually had to be enacted to protect your child's right to eat! It is a damn shame that laws had to be written to allow the feeding of another human being! No matter your position on breastfeeding, nursing in public, or anything else, that is an outrage!
Equally outrageous is that no one would say boo to me if I were bottle feeding my son at this age. Well, one or two might, but in general no one would have a single word to say if I were bottle feeding my one-year old. Society's bias against breastfeeding will change one day, but even my husband (hardly the most crunchy guy on the block) has noted that the pressure to remove your breast from your child is intense from the moment you leave the hospital. Frankly, I think his observation depends on the hospital as I happened to deliver our boys at a very breastfeeding friendly hospital with knowledgeable and supportive nursing staff. Even then, it was a horribly painful struggle with my first child and there were times that I questioned why I was still moving forward and trying to make breastfeeding work. I ended up nursing him until he was 13-months and I still regret that I weaned him at such a young age.
The easiest answer to your question is this: I'm not sure when he'll wean, but it will eventually happen.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Cholestasis of Pregnancy
In a final F-You to me, my pregnancy ended in a spectacularly bizarre fashion. It wasn't bad enough that I was high risk from the start. It wasn't challenging enough that I BLED or spotted through the first trimester and I had spotting off & on throughout the entire pregnancy. It wasn't enough of a bummer that my pregnancy with my first son was textbook perfect and this one, likely my last, was one problem after another. No, I ended up with a pretty serious problem right at the end.
I suddenly began experiencing severe itching around 36-weeks. I casually mentioned it on Facebook and a friend cautioned that symptom could indicate liver problems and suggested that I call my doctor right away. I initially dismissed the idea because itching doesn't seem all that dangerous and I hate bugging my doctor since I'm sure that I'm already his most annoying patient. I ultimately decided to mention it to him because it's his job to deal with me, however annoying I may be, and the thought of having a liver problem scares the heck out of me. You know, because you need a functioning liver in order to do things like live.
His response was that itching is most likely caused by dry skin, but he was concerned that it was my hands & feet that were so itchy. Specifically, my palms & soles. Now, when I say that my palms & soles were itchy, I don't mean that I randomly scratched every now and then. The itching intensified at night and I would be awake and scratching at myself for hours every night. I'd use a rough washcloth and rub it against my hands & feet for hours on end. A few times I scratched myself with my wig brush because the stiff bristles felt good even if they made my skin red and sore. Nothing gave me any relief other than eventually passing out from exhaustion. . .and, even then, I'd wake up scratching.
The doctor mentioned that itchy hands and feet could be a symptom of cholestasis of pregnancy (CP or ICP) and he wanted me to go to the lab right away to get blood drawn. My liver function, as indicated by enzyme levels, and my bile acid levels were what he specifically wanted to see. I went to the lab late that day and the results indicated that a specific enzyme was four times over the upper normal level. I saw that number and was like, "Oh sh*t!" Seriously, liver problems are something that I really fear and that number scared me.
Based on that test result alone, my doctor decided to proceed as though he had all data and had me begin to take a handful of medicines to manage the symptoms of ICP. He gave me scripts for Actigall, Atarax, and hydrocortisone lotion. So much for being the hippie who doesn't like to take medications while pregnant. Now I was forced to do so for my own health and sanity and for the health of my as-yet unborn baby.
Why did he not have all the data to make a firm diagnosis? There are only a handful of labs in the country that run bile acid tests. Why? I have no freaking idea other than ICP is a fairly rare complication of pregnancy. So, naturally, that's exactly what I ended up diagnosed with once those bile acids came back. Oh sh*t indeed!
Of course, I spent plenty of quality time with Dr. Google and what I read only freaked me out all the more. Did you know that mothers with ICP have a significantly higher chance of having a stillbirth later in pregnancy? As in, the last couple of weeks of pregnancy. Having had 36-weeks of emotional turmoil, I wasn't expecting to face the possibility that I may not be able to hold this baby and take him home.
My c-section was initially scheduled for 39w5d and my doctor bumped me up to 38-weeks on the nose along with ordering twice-weekly NST visits at the hospital and telling me to go to Labor & Delivery (L&D) if I notice it takes more than one hour to feel ten fetal movements instead of the standard two hours. By the way, non-stress test (NST) is a total misnomer because you're only there if there is a potential problem so I'd say all moms to be are stressed in that room.
My itching never improved, even with meds, but my liver enzymes did drop down some and that was encouraging. The problem was, as one would expect, the very real risk of stillbirth. It's standard protocol to deliver prior to 38-weeks because the risk of stillbirth significantly increases at the end of pregnancy.
I became so fearful for my baby that I'd try to force fetal movement throughout the day so I could have some assurance that he was still living. One night I fell asleep and woke with a start when I realized that I hadn't felt any movement in the last hour. Sure, he may have been sleeping. . .but he may have been dead.
That's the emotional cruelty of ICP. Your bile acids can spike to dangerous levels with absolutely zero warning. Those bile acids get high enough and your baby dies. You have no idea that it's about to happen or even that it's happening. You just show up to your NST and the RN isn't able to find a heartbeat or you can't seem to get the baby to move during your fetal kick counts and you go to L&D only to discover that it's not a living baby you'll be delivering.
So I spent my time bargaining and pleading with God for my baby. I'm holding my 6-week old baby in my lap as I type this and just remembering those fears makes me feel sick and brings tears to my eyes. How I worried that I would lose this baby! I became convinced that this baby was going to die; his little heart would stop and my heart would break.
I had a meltdown early one morning and cried to my husband that I couldn't take these fears any longer. I was 37w3d and I couldn't understand why we were waiting for me to reach 38-weeks other than to increase the chances that the baby wouldn't need to spend any time in the NICU. I said the thing that was rattling around in my brain: I'd rather have a baby in the NICU than a baby in a box in the cemetery.
I showed up to my NST that morning and the RN asked how I was that day and I burst into tears. Well, I didn't just cry. I was pretty hysterical. I told her that I couldn't take losing another baby, not this close to the end, not now, not this baby. I couldn't sleep, couldn't concentrate, couldn't think of anything else besides the fear of losing my baby. She simply said, "It's time."
She phoned my doctor, spoke with the perinatologist and the hospital, and the OB currently on duty at the hospital. All agreed that I could deliver that day. And that's exactly what happened.
The good news is that my baby was perfectly healthy and didn't even spend one minute in the NICU, my liver is functioning perfectly well now, this harrowing experience is over and I have a beautiful baby in my arms. The bad news is that I'd have a significantly higher chance of developing ICP in a subsequent pregnancy (60 to 90% chance, depending on the source) and that it tends to manifest earlier and more severe in subsequent pregnancies. My husband was already not a fan of hearing my talk about wanting a third baby and this bit of knowledge slammed the door on us having a third. He flatly refuses to consider a third baby and a part of me understands. . .but another part of me still wants a third baby.
Why write this down? I don't know. I guess it's a good reminder that even the weirdest symptoms could indicate serious problems. I shudder to consider what could have happened had I not mentioned this crazy itching. I think it's also a good thing to explain just how emotionally difficult it is to get an ICP diagnosis. It's not just itching and whining. The itching was horrible, but the fear of losing your baby right at the end of pregnancy is so much worse.
I still would like to write down something about my delivery and my recent bouts of second guessing myself about breastfeeding (bizarre, but true), but my time is pretty limited these days if I want to use both hands to type so it might be a few days or weeks.
I suddenly began experiencing severe itching around 36-weeks. I casually mentioned it on Facebook and a friend cautioned that symptom could indicate liver problems and suggested that I call my doctor right away. I initially dismissed the idea because itching doesn't seem all that dangerous and I hate bugging my doctor since I'm sure that I'm already his most annoying patient. I ultimately decided to mention it to him because it's his job to deal with me, however annoying I may be, and the thought of having a liver problem scares the heck out of me. You know, because you need a functioning liver in order to do things like live.
His response was that itching is most likely caused by dry skin, but he was concerned that it was my hands & feet that were so itchy. Specifically, my palms & soles. Now, when I say that my palms & soles were itchy, I don't mean that I randomly scratched every now and then. The itching intensified at night and I would be awake and scratching at myself for hours every night. I'd use a rough washcloth and rub it against my hands & feet for hours on end. A few times I scratched myself with my wig brush because the stiff bristles felt good even if they made my skin red and sore. Nothing gave me any relief other than eventually passing out from exhaustion. . .and, even then, I'd wake up scratching.
The doctor mentioned that itchy hands and feet could be a symptom of cholestasis of pregnancy (CP or ICP) and he wanted me to go to the lab right away to get blood drawn. My liver function, as indicated by enzyme levels, and my bile acid levels were what he specifically wanted to see. I went to the lab late that day and the results indicated that a specific enzyme was four times over the upper normal level. I saw that number and was like, "Oh sh*t!" Seriously, liver problems are something that I really fear and that number scared me.
Based on that test result alone, my doctor decided to proceed as though he had all data and had me begin to take a handful of medicines to manage the symptoms of ICP. He gave me scripts for Actigall, Atarax, and hydrocortisone lotion. So much for being the hippie who doesn't like to take medications while pregnant. Now I was forced to do so for my own health and sanity and for the health of my as-yet unborn baby.
Why did he not have all the data to make a firm diagnosis? There are only a handful of labs in the country that run bile acid tests. Why? I have no freaking idea other than ICP is a fairly rare complication of pregnancy. So, naturally, that's exactly what I ended up diagnosed with once those bile acids came back. Oh sh*t indeed!
Of course, I spent plenty of quality time with Dr. Google and what I read only freaked me out all the more. Did you know that mothers with ICP have a significantly higher chance of having a stillbirth later in pregnancy? As in, the last couple of weeks of pregnancy. Having had 36-weeks of emotional turmoil, I wasn't expecting to face the possibility that I may not be able to hold this baby and take him home.
My c-section was initially scheduled for 39w5d and my doctor bumped me up to 38-weeks on the nose along with ordering twice-weekly NST visits at the hospital and telling me to go to Labor & Delivery (L&D) if I notice it takes more than one hour to feel ten fetal movements instead of the standard two hours. By the way, non-stress test (NST) is a total misnomer because you're only there if there is a potential problem so I'd say all moms to be are stressed in that room.
My itching never improved, even with meds, but my liver enzymes did drop down some and that was encouraging. The problem was, as one would expect, the very real risk of stillbirth. It's standard protocol to deliver prior to 38-weeks because the risk of stillbirth significantly increases at the end of pregnancy.
I became so fearful for my baby that I'd try to force fetal movement throughout the day so I could have some assurance that he was still living. One night I fell asleep and woke with a start when I realized that I hadn't felt any movement in the last hour. Sure, he may have been sleeping. . .but he may have been dead.
That's the emotional cruelty of ICP. Your bile acids can spike to dangerous levels with absolutely zero warning. Those bile acids get high enough and your baby dies. You have no idea that it's about to happen or even that it's happening. You just show up to your NST and the RN isn't able to find a heartbeat or you can't seem to get the baby to move during your fetal kick counts and you go to L&D only to discover that it's not a living baby you'll be delivering.
So I spent my time bargaining and pleading with God for my baby. I'm holding my 6-week old baby in my lap as I type this and just remembering those fears makes me feel sick and brings tears to my eyes. How I worried that I would lose this baby! I became convinced that this baby was going to die; his little heart would stop and my heart would break.
I had a meltdown early one morning and cried to my husband that I couldn't take these fears any longer. I was 37w3d and I couldn't understand why we were waiting for me to reach 38-weeks other than to increase the chances that the baby wouldn't need to spend any time in the NICU. I said the thing that was rattling around in my brain: I'd rather have a baby in the NICU than a baby in a box in the cemetery.
I showed up to my NST that morning and the RN asked how I was that day and I burst into tears. Well, I didn't just cry. I was pretty hysterical. I told her that I couldn't take losing another baby, not this close to the end, not now, not this baby. I couldn't sleep, couldn't concentrate, couldn't think of anything else besides the fear of losing my baby. She simply said, "It's time."
She phoned my doctor, spoke with the perinatologist and the hospital, and the OB currently on duty at the hospital. All agreed that I could deliver that day. And that's exactly what happened.
The good news is that my baby was perfectly healthy and didn't even spend one minute in the NICU, my liver is functioning perfectly well now, this harrowing experience is over and I have a beautiful baby in my arms. The bad news is that I'd have a significantly higher chance of developing ICP in a subsequent pregnancy (60 to 90% chance, depending on the source) and that it tends to manifest earlier and more severe in subsequent pregnancies. My husband was already not a fan of hearing my talk about wanting a third baby and this bit of knowledge slammed the door on us having a third. He flatly refuses to consider a third baby and a part of me understands. . .but another part of me still wants a third baby.
Why write this down? I don't know. I guess it's a good reminder that even the weirdest symptoms could indicate serious problems. I shudder to consider what could have happened had I not mentioned this crazy itching. I think it's also a good thing to explain just how emotionally difficult it is to get an ICP diagnosis. It's not just itching and whining. The itching was horrible, but the fear of losing your baby right at the end of pregnancy is so much worse.
I still would like to write down something about my delivery and my recent bouts of second guessing myself about breastfeeding (bizarre, but true), but my time is pretty limited these days if I want to use both hands to type so it might be a few days or weeks.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
I'm Having a. . .
BOY!!!
Our son asked for a little brother
and we are thrilled
that we're having another son.
What Does it Look Like to You?
As I indicated last night, my big ultrasound is this afternoon. Here is what I look like at 19-weeks, 6-days.
I find it hard to believe that I'm actually smiling while baring such a fleshy midsection.
Another shot for your, uh, viewing pleasure. . .
I have 100% guesses for girl on my Facebook page. What gender do you think it looks like I'm carrying?
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Wanna Make Bets??
My big ultrasound is tomorrow and I'm obviously excited because it never gets old to hear your baby's heartbeat or see them performing a busy tumbling routine while in the womb. I'm hoping that the ultrasound reveals that everything looks wonderfully normal. It's been around a month since I last had any spotting episodes and I'm optimistic that the second half of this pregnancy will be far less nerve-wracking than the first half.
Of course, I'm also very interested to see if the technician can make a gender determination. That's dependent on a number of factors, primarily that the child will sit still and, ahem, provide ample viewing opportunity. That is, open their legs and not move away too quickly.
My husband's family is heavily male and the general feeling is that it's definitely a boy I'm carrying. I did have that name dream about two weeks prior to conception and the name was definitely female with absolutely zero gender ambiguity. This pregnancy is very similar to the one I had with my son, but it is significantly different in many ways and the exact same could be said about the baby's movement patterns.
Anyone care to weigh in on whether you think I'm having a girl or a boy? If so, why do you think this baby is the gender you think?
Of course, I'm also very interested to see if the technician can make a gender determination. That's dependent on a number of factors, primarily that the child will sit still and, ahem, provide ample viewing opportunity. That is, open their legs and not move away too quickly.
My husband's family is heavily male and the general feeling is that it's definitely a boy I'm carrying. I did have that name dream about two weeks prior to conception and the name was definitely female with absolutely zero gender ambiguity. This pregnancy is very similar to the one I had with my son, but it is significantly different in many ways and the exact same could be said about the baby's movement patterns.
Anyone care to weigh in on whether you think I'm having a girl or a boy? If so, why do you think this baby is the gender you think?
Friday, August 12, 2011
Fears and Joys Exist with Either Gender
I'm 19-weeks along today! Full term is considered anywhere between 38- to 42-weeks (most EDDs are calculated as 40-weeks from LMP) so I'm essentially at the midpoint of this pregnancy. Crazy, right? It seems like it was just yesterday that I saw that miraculous second pink line on Easter morning. I'm trying so hard to savor each moment of this pregnancy because I'm very aware that it will likely be the last time that I'll ever have this experience. I love this baby so much and the time really is flying!
In less than a week I will finally find out if I will need to purchase new baby clothes or if I can make do with hand-me-downs from my son. I technically could find out right now, actually a few weeks ago, but I couldn't get in any earlier due to scheduling difficulties. In my typical way of overthinking things, I've been pondering parenting each gender. The word around the campfire is that it's impossible for my husband's family to yield girls, but the name dream I had two weeks prior to conception was definitely a girl's name and I find myself mentally calling this baby by that name. Of course, I will be beyond thankful for either a boy or a girl and I pray every night for a healthy baby born at term.
My Thoughts on Boys
I wasn't sure that I'd be up to the task of raising a young man, but I believe that I was truly made to mother a son. My son is a bright star in my life and I adore him. He's my joy, my heart.
I "get" how boys think and I think I have far more in common with males than females. I certainly get along better with XY than XX. I like watching sports, shooting guns, building stuff, taking things apart, and getting dirty. My superhero and sci-fi geekery is well known and I'll pick an action movie over a rom-com (the gag-inducing chick flick) any day of the week. I love sharing my love of all manly things with my son and our relationship is a perfectly comfortable fit.
Much as I like being one of the guys and mothering one, this mother does have fears about raising boys. I worry that my soft tendencies will make him a wimpy doormat and I alternately worry that he'll become a bully. I cringe at the notion of a predatory woman targeting him or of him becoming a predatory male. I ache over the thought of a woman breaking his heart, cleaning out his bank account, moving away with his children (my grandchildren!), and otherwise hurting him in any way she can. . .unfortunately, our court system so heavily favors women that he'll be pretty much guaranteed an unfavorable outcome if he ever suffers the pain of divorce. I so hurt over that last notion that I already find myself praying about his future wife - that she'll be lovingly raised and that she'll always be there for my son, his biggest cheerleader and greatest helper. The flip side to that is that I pray he will be the kind of man who knows how to be lovingly considerate and that he'll easily inspire such devotion in his mate.
What upside do I see to mothering boys? I think I've covered how well-suited I am to mother boys, but it's also that I would always be the queen of castle and I like being the only female in the house. It sometimes seems to me that sons are closer to their mothers than daughters are though that relationship often appears to reverse sometime in adulthood. I guess the bottom line is that I have a good track record now with mothering a little boy and I think I would be more comfortable to have a familiar experience by having a second son.
My Thoughts on Girls
Pink is my favorite color, but I am not a girly-girl. I don't like frilly dresses, I think tea parties sound boring, I don't understand why screaming about bugs is more effective than simply squashing them, and I'm not generally a fan of fussy behavior. If it weren't for my vagina, I'd wonder if I'm really a girl.
I like being the main source of estrogen in my house and I proudly wear my queenly crown, but it seems to me that the family dynamic changes significantly when a princess is added to the mix. I have noted that some, not all, mothers and daughters have a bond that isn't one I want to have with a child of my own; they just aren't that close or loving with each other. Two hormonal chicks in the house at one time generally is not a positive living arrangement.
Based on mother-daughter relationships I've observed, I fear that my own competitive nature would roar to life and perhaps an unspoken jealousy would begin to exist on my end at some point. Females are so often mean to other females and I wouldn't want a child of mine to experience that special brand of girlish cruelty - from others or their own mother.
I believe that girls are sexualized at a far earlier age than boys and, perhaps as a result, girls are more likely to be sexually and/or physically abused in some fashion by their peers and by older people. Unfortunately, abuse often negatively impacts victims in their relationships for years, even decades afterward, and a girl who has been abused will many times end up in what is essentially the same relationship with a new abuser. The very thought of a child of mine being so wounded actually brings tears to my eyes because it's a lifelong injury and I don't think the healing is ever totally complete.
The upside I see to mothering a girl? Obviously it's that you can support another woman, your own daughter, on her own motherhood journey. Sure, your son may father children, but frequently that child's mother would rather have her own mother offer help, advice, and support. In an ideal world, you would be more actively involved in the pregnancy, birthing, and raising of your daughter's children because usually women on their motherhood journey can count on their own mothers to be there for them. I tell myself that I absolutely would be there for my daughter, no matter what.
I guess I am afraid of the unfamiliar and I'm not sure that I have the history or ability to adequately mother a girl. I have many friends who are wonderfully loving mothers to their daughters and I think it's possible to be the kind of mother I want to be if I observe and learn what girls need.
Do you have sons or daughters or both? What joys did you find about mothering your children? What concerns did you have about mothering either gender? Were your concerns valid or did you find that they were totally unfounded?
In less than a week I will finally find out if I will need to purchase new baby clothes or if I can make do with hand-me-downs from my son. I technically could find out right now, actually a few weeks ago, but I couldn't get in any earlier due to scheduling difficulties. In my typical way of overthinking things, I've been pondering parenting each gender. The word around the campfire is that it's impossible for my husband's family to yield girls, but the name dream I had two weeks prior to conception was definitely a girl's name and I find myself mentally calling this baby by that name. Of course, I will be beyond thankful for either a boy or a girl and I pray every night for a healthy baby born at term.
My Thoughts on Boys
I wasn't sure that I'd be up to the task of raising a young man, but I believe that I was truly made to mother a son. My son is a bright star in my life and I adore him. He's my joy, my heart.
I "get" how boys think and I think I have far more in common with males than females. I certainly get along better with XY than XX. I like watching sports, shooting guns, building stuff, taking things apart, and getting dirty. My superhero and sci-fi geekery is well known and I'll pick an action movie over a rom-com (the gag-inducing chick flick) any day of the week. I love sharing my love of all manly things with my son and our relationship is a perfectly comfortable fit.
Much as I like being one of the guys and mothering one, this mother does have fears about raising boys. I worry that my soft tendencies will make him a wimpy doormat and I alternately worry that he'll become a bully. I cringe at the notion of a predatory woman targeting him or of him becoming a predatory male. I ache over the thought of a woman breaking his heart, cleaning out his bank account, moving away with his children (my grandchildren!), and otherwise hurting him in any way she can. . .unfortunately, our court system so heavily favors women that he'll be pretty much guaranteed an unfavorable outcome if he ever suffers the pain of divorce. I so hurt over that last notion that I already find myself praying about his future wife - that she'll be lovingly raised and that she'll always be there for my son, his biggest cheerleader and greatest helper. The flip side to that is that I pray he will be the kind of man who knows how to be lovingly considerate and that he'll easily inspire such devotion in his mate.
What upside do I see to mothering boys? I think I've covered how well-suited I am to mother boys, but it's also that I would always be the queen of castle and I like being the only female in the house. It sometimes seems to me that sons are closer to their mothers than daughters are though that relationship often appears to reverse sometime in adulthood. I guess the bottom line is that I have a good track record now with mothering a little boy and I think I would be more comfortable to have a familiar experience by having a second son.
My Thoughts on Girls
Pink is my favorite color, but I am not a girly-girl. I don't like frilly dresses, I think tea parties sound boring, I don't understand why screaming about bugs is more effective than simply squashing them, and I'm not generally a fan of fussy behavior. If it weren't for my vagina, I'd wonder if I'm really a girl.
I like being the main source of estrogen in my house and I proudly wear my queenly crown, but it seems to me that the family dynamic changes significantly when a princess is added to the mix. I have noted that some, not all, mothers and daughters have a bond that isn't one I want to have with a child of my own; they just aren't that close or loving with each other. Two hormonal chicks in the house at one time generally is not a positive living arrangement.
Based on mother-daughter relationships I've observed, I fear that my own competitive nature would roar to life and perhaps an unspoken jealousy would begin to exist on my end at some point. Females are so often mean to other females and I wouldn't want a child of mine to experience that special brand of girlish cruelty - from others or their own mother.
I believe that girls are sexualized at a far earlier age than boys and, perhaps as a result, girls are more likely to be sexually and/or physically abused in some fashion by their peers and by older people. Unfortunately, abuse often negatively impacts victims in their relationships for years, even decades afterward, and a girl who has been abused will many times end up in what is essentially the same relationship with a new abuser. The very thought of a child of mine being so wounded actually brings tears to my eyes because it's a lifelong injury and I don't think the healing is ever totally complete.
The upside I see to mothering a girl? Obviously it's that you can support another woman, your own daughter, on her own motherhood journey. Sure, your son may father children, but frequently that child's mother would rather have her own mother offer help, advice, and support. In an ideal world, you would be more actively involved in the pregnancy, birthing, and raising of your daughter's children because usually women on their motherhood journey can count on their own mothers to be there for them. I tell myself that I absolutely would be there for my daughter, no matter what.
I guess I am afraid of the unfamiliar and I'm not sure that I have the history or ability to adequately mother a girl. I have many friends who are wonderfully loving mothers to their daughters and I think it's possible to be the kind of mother I want to be if I observe and learn what girls need.
* * *
Do you have sons or daughters or both? What joys did you find about mothering your children? What concerns did you have about mothering either gender? Were your concerns valid or did you find that they were totally unfounded?
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Why is Miscarriage so Isolating?
A couple of things on Facebook reminded me of a post that I always intended to write. Though I had an outpouring of love and support after I lost my baby in January, I was surprised at how isolating a miscarriage is to women who have lost their babies. Not only is the tragedy isolating, but I found that most women keep quiet about miscarriage unless they pulled my move of blabbing about the pregnancy early on and ended up with a loss.
Why is it that miscarriage is shrouded in painful silence? We know that around 20% of confirmed pregnancies end with a miscarriage and there is some evidence that it's more like 50% of all pregnancies (not necessarily confirmed pregnancies) end in loss. Think of the women you know. . .chances are that several of them have lost at least one baby; perhaps you have too. So why are women so reluctant to talk about it if so many of us have experienced it?
I wonder if the medical establishment view toward miscarriage doesn't help squelch healing discussions after loss. After all, one miscarriage isn't considered to be a problem and a woman isn't generally going to receive additional care until she's suffered at least two (or more!) losses in a row. The message that this attitude sends is that your one miscarriage isn't a big deal. It's not even important enough to warrant any further examination once they've verified that the "products of conception" are out of your womb.
You know what? Every baby that is lost is a big deal. It's a big freaking deal to the woman who miscarried and it's a big deal to her family because they also lost a family member. It's heartless and cruel to suggest or imply that miscarriage doesn't matter.
I also wonder if the standard responses people give to women who have experienced miscarriage doesn't force women to clam up and hold back their feelings. I heard some things that were so off-the-charts insensitive that I almost couldn't believe that a loved one would ever consider saying them to a grieving mother. And that's exactly what a woman who lost a baby is - a grieving mother. It makes no difference that her baby was never born when the fact is that her baby was alive at one time. I think sometimes people forget that a baby is very real to a woman as soon as she discovers that she's pregnant. . .as soon as she hears that precious heartbeat.
I was contacted by many women who had lost babies after I shared that my pregnancy had ended. Whether or not they went on to have a perfectly healthy baby later, we are all united in knowing the pain of miscarriage. A sisterhood of sorrow. Not surprisingly, none of these women tried to downplay what had happened and their support was particularly comforting.
If any good can be found in losing my baby in January it's that I know the ache of loss and, since I have a big mouth (or, more accurately, an active keyboard), I hope that I make the loneliest of tragedies feel a little less isolating to at least one woman.
Why is it that miscarriage is shrouded in painful silence? We know that around 20% of confirmed pregnancies end with a miscarriage and there is some evidence that it's more like 50% of all pregnancies (not necessarily confirmed pregnancies) end in loss. Think of the women you know. . .chances are that several of them have lost at least one baby; perhaps you have too. So why are women so reluctant to talk about it if so many of us have experienced it?
I wonder if the medical establishment view toward miscarriage doesn't help squelch healing discussions after loss. After all, one miscarriage isn't considered to be a problem and a woman isn't generally going to receive additional care until she's suffered at least two (or more!) losses in a row. The message that this attitude sends is that your one miscarriage isn't a big deal. It's not even important enough to warrant any further examination once they've verified that the "products of conception" are out of your womb.
You know what? Every baby that is lost is a big deal. It's a big freaking deal to the woman who miscarried and it's a big deal to her family because they also lost a family member. It's heartless and cruel to suggest or imply that miscarriage doesn't matter.
I also wonder if the standard responses people give to women who have experienced miscarriage doesn't force women to clam up and hold back their feelings. I heard some things that were so off-the-charts insensitive that I almost couldn't believe that a loved one would ever consider saying them to a grieving mother. And that's exactly what a woman who lost a baby is - a grieving mother. It makes no difference that her baby was never born when the fact is that her baby was alive at one time. I think sometimes people forget that a baby is very real to a woman as soon as she discovers that she's pregnant. . .as soon as she hears that precious heartbeat.
I was contacted by many women who had lost babies after I shared that my pregnancy had ended. Whether or not they went on to have a perfectly healthy baby later, we are all united in knowing the pain of miscarriage. A sisterhood of sorrow. Not surprisingly, none of these women tried to downplay what had happened and their support was particularly comforting.
If any good can be found in losing my baby in January it's that I know the ache of loss and, since I have a big mouth (or, more accurately, an active keyboard), I hope that I make the loneliest of tragedies feel a little less isolating to at least one woman.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
A Due Date with No Baby
Most readers probably remember that I suffered a miscarriage earlier this year. If they don't, it's probably because they couldn't bear to read the things that I wrote while trying to process my heartbreak at losing a long-desired pregnancy. I can't say that I would blame anyone for skipping those posts. . .I wish I could just erase that part of my life and I certainly wouldn't want a spectator's seat to it. If you missed out and are interested, check out the posts I wrote in January and February to know what I'm writing about.
I realize that most children are not born exactly on their due date, but today was my baby's due date. I would have either had a newborn by now or I would have had one in the next two weeks or so. Of course, that wasn't to be and here I sit, just shy of 18-weeks pregnant with the one who I hope will be the final member of our family.
Losing that pregnancy resulted in a loss of innocence, an awareness that sometimes the most painfully cruel things can happen when least expected. Sometimes you really do get kicked when you're already down. Losing that baby also resulted in fostering a fierce love and gratitude, deeper than I ever knew possible, for my son who was born and for the baby currently living in my womb. I guess it's because I realize that they could have been, and I suppose still could be, taken from me at any moment.
I attempted to achieve pregnancy for so long and I now know that life is never promised, even where life once existed. In that mindset, I've tried so hard to think positive about this pregnancy and avoid complaining about any uncomfortable symptoms because I know that I'm lucky to have them at all. Some may say that I'm reallly not all that successful with either intention, but I really do try.
One day, one day far in the future, I fully expect to be able to finally hold my babies who were never born. And on that day, the holes in my heart will finally be filled.
I realize that most children are not born exactly on their due date, but today was my baby's due date. I would have either had a newborn by now or I would have had one in the next two weeks or so. Of course, that wasn't to be and here I sit, just shy of 18-weeks pregnant with the one who I hope will be the final member of our family.
Losing that pregnancy resulted in a loss of innocence, an awareness that sometimes the most painfully cruel things can happen when least expected. Sometimes you really do get kicked when you're already down. Losing that baby also resulted in fostering a fierce love and gratitude, deeper than I ever knew possible, for my son who was born and for the baby currently living in my womb. I guess it's because I realize that they could have been, and I suppose still could be, taken from me at any moment.
I attempted to achieve pregnancy for so long and I now know that life is never promised, even where life once existed. In that mindset, I've tried so hard to think positive about this pregnancy and avoid complaining about any uncomfortable symptoms because I know that I'm lucky to have them at all. Some may say that I'm reallly not all that successful with either intention, but I really do try.
One day, one day far in the future, I fully expect to be able to finally hold my babies who were never born. And on that day, the holes in my heart will finally be filled.
Monday, August 1, 2011
I Was Just Old, Now I Get Another Label
I think Kaiser might be label-obsessed. I was reviewing the paperwork I received from the doctor's office last week and found yet another label applied toward me. You probably remember that I was so offended at the "advanced maternal age" label in June that I wrote an entire blog post railing about it. I still bristle at the designation, but it is definitely preferred to the label I found on another bit of paperwork which specified that I was "elderly." Grrr.
What was written in my medical record to bother me this time? It's that I'm officially considered a "high risk pregnancy." High risk. High freaking risk.
I'm assuming that I've earned this new label because my body won't stop with the stupid spotting and it's not considered in the realm of normal to have any vaginal bleeding in the second trimester. Though I still have spotting every now and then, I am thankful that I don't bleed on a daily basis any longer. I guess the occasional spotting is enough to earn me a spot in the high risk category of pregnancy designations.
So I'm old and high risk now. I'm afraid to ask what label could possibly be next? Chronic oversharer? Demanding complainer? Of course, my next label could be Patient of the Year, but I'm pretty sure that I'm out of the running at this point.
In other news, my baby apparently thought today was a good day to boogie down in my womb and I felt tiny kicks and rolls several times in the wee hours of the morning and after eating during the day. I'll gladly take the designations that I don't like as long as I get to hold this sweet little baby in around 22-weeks or so.
What was written in my medical record to bother me this time? It's that I'm officially considered a "high risk pregnancy." High risk. High freaking risk.
I'm assuming that I've earned this new label because my body won't stop with the stupid spotting and it's not considered in the realm of normal to have any vaginal bleeding in the second trimester. Though I still have spotting every now and then, I am thankful that I don't bleed on a daily basis any longer. I guess the occasional spotting is enough to earn me a spot in the high risk category of pregnancy designations.
So I'm old and high risk now. I'm afraid to ask what label could possibly be next? Chronic oversharer? Demanding complainer? Of course, my next label could be Patient of the Year, but I'm pretty sure that I'm out of the running at this point.
In other news, my baby apparently thought today was a good day to boogie down in my womb and I felt tiny kicks and rolls several times in the wee hours of the morning and after eating during the day. I'll gladly take the designations that I don't like as long as I get to hold this sweet little baby in around 22-weeks or so.
Friday, July 29, 2011
When Did You Stop Wearing. . .
your child?
I'm 17-weeks pregnant today and I still wear my 3-year old fairly often. Yes, I know he can walk. Yes, I know that he's not a "baby" any longer. Yes, I know that several people think I'm totally bonkers for wearing him at all - especially while pregnant AND in the hot Summer months.
Why do I still wear him? Mainly because wearing him is sometimes the safest and easiest option when we're in public and he's only 3-years old so his legs tire far easier and earlier than mine. Also, he's pretty tall and it's becoming impossible to find a stroller that he can comfortably ride in for any long periods of time. And, I confess, whether at home or in public, both my son and I like the closeness that wearing him provides.
I weighed him today and he's finally 30-pounds. I realize that he's far from being a heavy load, but I know that my back will only continue to ache and it will get worse as this pregnancy progresses. At this point, however, it's not that big of a deal to toss him on my back in the Ergo or the Boba or to let him ride on my hip in the pouch or the ring sling.
But the clock is ticking and I will have to decide pretty quick when I'm going to stop wearing him. I don't want to bar him from riding on my back or hip too close to my due date because I don't want him to draw the connection that his loss of ridership privileges is the baby's fault. Depending on how I deliver this baby, I may not even be able to pick him up for weeks afterward - let alone hitch a ride for extended periods on my body. Besides, I'm assuming that I'll be wearing the baby all cozied up in a wrap so that only leaves my back available for toddler rides anyway.
So, back to my original question, when did you stop wearing your child(ren)? Did you wear your kiddos during pregnancy? When did you stop wearing them if you wore them in pregnancy? Was your older child jealous that the new baby was being worn and they were not? If you had a c/s, did the older child ever want to be worn again once you were able to wear them?
I'm 17-weeks pregnant today and I still wear my 3-year old fairly often. Yes, I know he can walk. Yes, I know that he's not a "baby" any longer. Yes, I know that several people think I'm totally bonkers for wearing him at all - especially while pregnant AND in the hot Summer months.
Why do I still wear him? Mainly because wearing him is sometimes the safest and easiest option when we're in public and he's only 3-years old so his legs tire far easier and earlier than mine. Also, he's pretty tall and it's becoming impossible to find a stroller that he can comfortably ride in for any long periods of time. And, I confess, whether at home or in public, both my son and I like the closeness that wearing him provides.
I weighed him today and he's finally 30-pounds. I realize that he's far from being a heavy load, but I know that my back will only continue to ache and it will get worse as this pregnancy progresses. At this point, however, it's not that big of a deal to toss him on my back in the Ergo or the Boba or to let him ride on my hip in the pouch or the ring sling.
But the clock is ticking and I will have to decide pretty quick when I'm going to stop wearing him. I don't want to bar him from riding on my back or hip too close to my due date because I don't want him to draw the connection that his loss of ridership privileges is the baby's fault. Depending on how I deliver this baby, I may not even be able to pick him up for weeks afterward - let alone hitch a ride for extended periods on my body. Besides, I'm assuming that I'll be wearing the baby all cozied up in a wrap so that only leaves my back available for toddler rides anyway.
So, back to my original question, when did you stop wearing your child(ren)? Did you wear your kiddos during pregnancy? When did you stop wearing them if you wore them in pregnancy? Was your older child jealous that the new baby was being worn and they were not? If you had a c/s, did the older child ever want to be worn again once you were able to wear them?
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
An Interesting Appointment
I'm 16w5d pregnant now and had a doctor's appointment today. A few interesting things were discussed and I suspect that I'll end up with a few blog posts based on what transpired at today's visit.
We were happy to hear that my baby still has a good & strong heartbeat. My OB was less happy to hear that I still have spotting episodes and he was surprised to hear what happens just prior to this spotting, but more on that tomorrow. Yeah, tomorrow's post will be a doozy. I'm measuring right even though I've only gained two pounds according to their scale. Somewhere between my house and their office I lost two pounds (because I've actually gained four pounds), but I guess there's no need to sweat my weight since he didn't flip out over it or anything.
He asked to do a quick pelvic exam (boy, am I glad that I decided to get friendly with my razor in the shower this morning!) to determine if there was any obvious reason for the continued spotting and, as predicted, found nothing. Well, he found that my cervix is still nice & tightly closed, but that was expected. I almost made a crack about my super-strength cervix and somehow was able to restrain myself. I'm pretty sure that I have the dubious distinction of being his great big horn-dog patient, so I figured there's no need to try to be funny too. Besides, I don't do funny and I really don't do funny when a man who is sort of a stranger is three deep inside me.
So that's it for my post this evening. . .I have some, ahem, long overdue business to attend to. ;)
We were happy to hear that my baby still has a good & strong heartbeat. My OB was less happy to hear that I still have spotting episodes and he was surprised to hear what happens just prior to this spotting, but more on that tomorrow. Yeah, tomorrow's post will be a doozy. I'm measuring right even though I've only gained two pounds according to their scale. Somewhere between my house and their office I lost two pounds (because I've actually gained four pounds), but I guess there's no need to sweat my weight since he didn't flip out over it or anything.
He asked to do a quick pelvic exam (boy, am I glad that I decided to get friendly with my razor in the shower this morning!) to determine if there was any obvious reason for the continued spotting and, as predicted, found nothing. Well, he found that my cervix is still nice & tightly closed, but that was expected. I almost made a crack about my super-strength cervix and somehow was able to restrain myself. I'm pretty sure that I have the dubious distinction of being his great big horn-dog patient, so I figured there's no need to try to be funny too. Besides, I don't do funny and I really don't do funny when a man who is sort of a stranger is three deep inside me.
So that's it for my post this evening. . .I have some, ahem, long overdue business to attend to. ;)
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
How to Help and How to Annoy a New Mother
Whether you have had one child or a dozen and whether you physically birthed the child or not, life with a brand new baby can be hectic for at least a period of time. A dear friend of mine had a baby recently and I found myself remembering the exhausting newborn days. A few things stand out to me about that time and here are the things that I found to be the good, the bad, and the ugly of early parenthood.
The Good
- My husband took nearly a full week off of work to be with me. That was sooo helpful because I couldn't even lift the baby in the first few days and having him there was a great comfort to me.
- Between my husband and my MIL, I never changed even one dirty diaper in my son's first week of life. I didn't see even one meconium-filled diaper and don't feel that I missed out on anything!
- Friends and family brought us dinners every day for nearly two full weeks. I can't stress enough how much those meals were welcomed and appreciated when I didn't have the energy to cook and couldn't even manage my way around the kitchen.
- A lactation consultant who seemed really interested in helping me establish an awesome breastfeeding relationship by helping me work on getting a good latch. This was in contrast to the first LC I saw while still in the hospital.
- The friend who volunteered to watch our son when he was a couple months old so that we could go to dinner. I still find it difficult to leave my son with a sitter who he doesn't know and it was incredibly kind that this friend offered because hubs & I definitely needed the time to reconnect at that point.
The Bad
- People who suggested that I stop struggling with breastfeeding and just go with a bottle of formula. It is no one's business how any mother chooses to feed her child. Period. So STFU about it unless you are asked for your opinion or advice.
- People who suddenly developed opinions on my dietary choices. . .and I lost my pregnancy weight by my post-partum checkup! Yeah, I gained that weight right back (and then some!) once my son was weaned, but it was gone for a period of time. A woman's doctor is just about the only one who can voice concern about her weight. If you aren't her personal physician, you just sound like a jerk.
- People who give unrequested advice. OMFG, this one gripes me! It's unbelievable how many people try to undermine a new mother's authority over her own child. The worst was when my husband would be given some choice nugget and he'd take it back to me because then it felt like my husband was being used against me.
- People who expected their dishes back within some unknown timeframe and badger the mother about them. It is very kind to bring meals to a new mother, but it is very stressful if you call every day to inquire about getting back your dishes. It's even more stressful if the mother has had a c/s and can't even freaking drive yet! Drop off meals in dishes that you don't need back right away (or dishes that are disposable) or don't bother.
- People who try to scare you about your new baby by indicating that something completely normal and expected is abnormal and unexpected. New babies generally do not sleep through the night, new babies do go through a peak fussy period, new babies do experience growth spurts in which they nurse significantly more than they did the week previously, and newborns tend to spit up a bit.
The Ugly
- People who stopped by unannounced and wanted to see the baby. When a new mother is walking around nearly topless and totally sleep deprived 24/7, this is not an appreciated visit and her ability to shoot the breeze is impossibly impaired.
- People who stayed for what seemed like forever. When you're operating on two total hours of sleep in a 24-hour period, an hour-long visit is just too long and it's time that could be used for napping.
- People who are uptight about Thank You notes. Look, I am kind of obsessive about writing out thank yous and I do it the day that I receive a gift so if you didn't receive one from me at some point, it was most likely lost in the mail (or I held it because I usually see you in person). But I wouldn't dream of acting like a snarky witch if a new mother hasn't found the time to write a stupid thank you note. Seriously, is the recipient going to frame it or something?
- People who have the nerve to ask when you're going to clean and do housework. WTF?! I swear that my response will be, "as soon as you can help me," if I am ever asked such a ridiculously rude question ever again.
- People who question your parental choices. I ordinarily have pretty thick skin and can take criticism fairly well, but not when I'm in the midst of the post-partum hormone crash. I think that these people have no idea how lousy they made me feel when I was at my most vulnerable.
What are your top tips for helping out a new mother? Do you have any early motherhood horror stories?
The Good
- My husband took nearly a full week off of work to be with me. That was sooo helpful because I couldn't even lift the baby in the first few days and having him there was a great comfort to me.
- Between my husband and my MIL, I never changed even one dirty diaper in my son's first week of life. I didn't see even one meconium-filled diaper and don't feel that I missed out on anything!
- Friends and family brought us dinners every day for nearly two full weeks. I can't stress enough how much those meals were welcomed and appreciated when I didn't have the energy to cook and couldn't even manage my way around the kitchen.
- A lactation consultant who seemed really interested in helping me establish an awesome breastfeeding relationship by helping me work on getting a good latch. This was in contrast to the first LC I saw while still in the hospital.
- The friend who volunteered to watch our son when he was a couple months old so that we could go to dinner. I still find it difficult to leave my son with a sitter who he doesn't know and it was incredibly kind that this friend offered because hubs & I definitely needed the time to reconnect at that point.
The Bad
- People who suggested that I stop struggling with breastfeeding and just go with a bottle of formula. It is no one's business how any mother chooses to feed her child. Period. So STFU about it unless you are asked for your opinion or advice.
- People who suddenly developed opinions on my dietary choices. . .and I lost my pregnancy weight by my post-partum checkup! Yeah, I gained that weight right back (and then some!) once my son was weaned, but it was gone for a period of time. A woman's doctor is just about the only one who can voice concern about her weight. If you aren't her personal physician, you just sound like a jerk.
- People who give unrequested advice. OMFG, this one gripes me! It's unbelievable how many people try to undermine a new mother's authority over her own child. The worst was when my husband would be given some choice nugget and he'd take it back to me because then it felt like my husband was being used against me.
- People who expected their dishes back within some unknown timeframe and badger the mother about them. It is very kind to bring meals to a new mother, but it is very stressful if you call every day to inquire about getting back your dishes. It's even more stressful if the mother has had a c/s and can't even freaking drive yet! Drop off meals in dishes that you don't need back right away (or dishes that are disposable) or don't bother.
- People who try to scare you about your new baby by indicating that something completely normal and expected is abnormal and unexpected. New babies generally do not sleep through the night, new babies do go through a peak fussy period, new babies do experience growth spurts in which they nurse significantly more than they did the week previously, and newborns tend to spit up a bit.
The Ugly
- People who stopped by unannounced and wanted to see the baby. When a new mother is walking around nearly topless and totally sleep deprived 24/7, this is not an appreciated visit and her ability to shoot the breeze is impossibly impaired.
- People who stayed for what seemed like forever. When you're operating on two total hours of sleep in a 24-hour period, an hour-long visit is just too long and it's time that could be used for napping.
- People who are uptight about Thank You notes. Look, I am kind of obsessive about writing out thank yous and I do it the day that I receive a gift so if you didn't receive one from me at some point, it was most likely lost in the mail (or I held it because I usually see you in person). But I wouldn't dream of acting like a snarky witch if a new mother hasn't found the time to write a stupid thank you note. Seriously, is the recipient going to frame it or something?
- People who have the nerve to ask when you're going to clean and do housework. WTF?! I swear that my response will be, "as soon as you can help me," if I am ever asked such a ridiculously rude question ever again.
- People who question your parental choices. I ordinarily have pretty thick skin and can take criticism fairly well, but not when I'm in the midst of the post-partum hormone crash. I think that these people have no idea how lousy they made me feel when I was at my most vulnerable.
What are your top tips for helping out a new mother? Do you have any early motherhood horror stories?
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Bumps, Thumps, & Twinges
I'll be 16-weeks in two days and I think there's some movement afoot. You know the kind of movement I'm talking about; the kind that makes you smile and offers further undeniable proof (besides a heartbeat, of course) that there's a tiny living being inside of your own body. Yep, I'm talking about fetal movement.
It started a couple of weeks ago. It was just a random bump or twinge that I could feel here and there every now and then. It certainly isn't what I remember fetal movement felt like. After all, I was pretty sure that my son was going to kick his way right out of my abdomen toward the end of that pregnancy and I kinda expected a stronger feeling. This was a far more subtle sensation and, had I not been resting when I felt it, it's something I easily could have missed.
Unsure if I was feeling fetal movement or just random gas bubbles, I forgot about it. Until I felt it again. A soft thump inside that wasn't accompanied by any pain. I rolled to my back to feel around and clearly felt my fundus (how's that for your word of the day!) a couple of inches below my belly-button and the hard little lump inside my uterus. I was trying to get baby to give a kick or throw a punch at the pressure of my hand, two things my son would have definitely done, but had no luck so I filed the incident away in my mind in case it happened again.
I've been noticing these bumps, thumps, & twinges for a couple of weeks now. There is no discernible pattern that I can see other than I only feel them when I'm at rest and able to notice that they've actually happened. I have been experiencing a bit of gas lately, thanks to that delightful side effect of pregnancy - a sluggish digestive system, but I'm beginning to think that it might be fetal movement that I'm feeling rather than gas bubbles.
I didn't feel any fetal movement with my son until I was well beyond twenty-weeks so this seems ridiculously early to me if I am indeed feeling fetal movement. What are your thoughts? When did you first feel fetal movement in your pregnancy(ies)?
It started a couple of weeks ago. It was just a random bump or twinge that I could feel here and there every now and then. It certainly isn't what I remember fetal movement felt like. After all, I was pretty sure that my son was going to kick his way right out of my abdomen toward the end of that pregnancy and I kinda expected a stronger feeling. This was a far more subtle sensation and, had I not been resting when I felt it, it's something I easily could have missed.
Unsure if I was feeling fetal movement or just random gas bubbles, I forgot about it. Until I felt it again. A soft thump inside that wasn't accompanied by any pain. I rolled to my back to feel around and clearly felt my fundus (how's that for your word of the day!) a couple of inches below my belly-button and the hard little lump inside my uterus. I was trying to get baby to give a kick or throw a punch at the pressure of my hand, two things my son would have definitely done, but had no luck so I filed the incident away in my mind in case it happened again.
I've been noticing these bumps, thumps, & twinges for a couple of weeks now. There is no discernible pattern that I can see other than I only feel them when I'm at rest and able to notice that they've actually happened. I have been experiencing a bit of gas lately, thanks to that delightful side effect of pregnancy - a sluggish digestive system, but I'm beginning to think that it might be fetal movement that I'm feeling rather than gas bubbles.
I didn't feel any fetal movement with my son until I was well beyond twenty-weeks so this seems ridiculously early to me if I am indeed feeling fetal movement. What are your thoughts? When did you first feel fetal movement in your pregnancy(ies)?
Friday, June 24, 2011
Goodbye to the First Trimester
I'm right at the end of my first trimester for what I will assume is my last pregnancy. I can't believe the first twelve-weeks are already over. This trimester has gone by so fast that I almost wonder where the time went! Honestly though, I feel like I can finally relax just a little bit because my miscarriage risk has dropped to an incredibly small risk level simply by completing the first trimester with a live and healthy fetus still in my womb.
Today I had my nuchal translucency ultrasound, also called an NT scan. This is the special ultrasound in which they look for the amount of fluid accumulating at the back of the baby's neck. The size of this fluid-filled space, coupled with the blood tests I had performed last week, give a preliminary assessment of genetic abnormalities with my baby. A final report will be issued after the results are in for another round of blood tests that I'll have performed in about a month.
How did my NT scan turn out? In a word, awesome!
Baby's heartbeat is good & fast at 165 BPM. I can't stress enough how nervous I was about my baby's heart; I was more concerned about this than the risk of possible genetic abnormalities that they actually did this scan to assess. I was terrified that this little one's heart would inexplicably stop too and I'm so thankful that my baby is still living and growing inside me.
Though I'm 11w6d along (they had me at 12w on the nose), baby is measuring 12w4d. So a little big. I'm not too concerned about that as my last baby consistently measured small so I'd rather see the baby measuring perfectly or a little bigger.
My baby has a 1 in 1,100 chance of having Down Syndrome and a 1 in 35,000 chance of having trisomy 18. I think it's statistically safe to say that the odds are solidly in favor of having a perfectly healthy little one. I know that I have that final round of blood testing in about a month to complete the screening process, but everything looks pretty darn good by my estimation.
My darling babe already looks like a sweet little baby - emphasis on the little part. I see what appears to be the profile of my nose (my son has it too) and, oh my, this is a feisty lil' one! The doctor even remarked with some surprise that this is really a very active baby; my son was too so I'm not terribly surprised. Baby's arms and legs were flying the entire time that the doctor was performing the scan and it took her a long time to get good pictures because the child would not stop moving and sit still! Hm, who does that sound like?
I'm feeling really good these days. Sometimes I get a little queasy, but it's been a few weeks since I've actually vomited so that's nice. I haven't had any bleeding/spotting in over a month and that's great. I'm still on the twice daily progesterone suppository regimen and it's tolerable; besides, I'm sure my OB will take me off the prog suppos at my appointment next Friday. My energy levels have been steadily increasing the last couple of weeks and I'm assuming it's because my placenta is finally up & running.
I was cool in the doctor's office, but I broke down in tears of joy and thanksgiving as soon as I was in my car. I'm so thankful, so very thankful, that this baby is looking so good. I pray every night for this sweet babe, as I've prayed every night for the final member of our family for over two years now. If this baby is a girl, she already has her name. If this baby is a boy, I'm asking God to send me another name dream because I can't possibly give a son this name. My husband isn't fond of the girl's name I was given and he'd hit the roof if I proposed it for a son!
I'm so happy and eager to meet the one who will complete our family. Oh, little one, how I've longed for you! You're already cherished and loved so much. Stay healthy & strong and I'll be seeing you nestled in my arms in two more trimesters. xoxo
Today I had my nuchal translucency ultrasound, also called an NT scan. This is the special ultrasound in which they look for the amount of fluid accumulating at the back of the baby's neck. The size of this fluid-filled space, coupled with the blood tests I had performed last week, give a preliminary assessment of genetic abnormalities with my baby. A final report will be issued after the results are in for another round of blood tests that I'll have performed in about a month.
How did my NT scan turn out? In a word, awesome!
Baby's heartbeat is good & fast at 165 BPM. I can't stress enough how nervous I was about my baby's heart; I was more concerned about this than the risk of possible genetic abnormalities that they actually did this scan to assess. I was terrified that this little one's heart would inexplicably stop too and I'm so thankful that my baby is still living and growing inside me.
Though I'm 11w6d along (they had me at 12w on the nose), baby is measuring 12w4d. So a little big. I'm not too concerned about that as my last baby consistently measured small so I'd rather see the baby measuring perfectly or a little bigger.
My baby has a 1 in 1,100 chance of having Down Syndrome and a 1 in 35,000 chance of having trisomy 18. I think it's statistically safe to say that the odds are solidly in favor of having a perfectly healthy little one. I know that I have that final round of blood testing in about a month to complete the screening process, but everything looks pretty darn good by my estimation.
My darling babe already looks like a sweet little baby - emphasis on the little part. I see what appears to be the profile of my nose (my son has it too) and, oh my, this is a feisty lil' one! The doctor even remarked with some surprise that this is really a very active baby; my son was too so I'm not terribly surprised. Baby's arms and legs were flying the entire time that the doctor was performing the scan and it took her a long time to get good pictures because the child would not stop moving and sit still! Hm, who does that sound like?
I'm feeling really good these days. Sometimes I get a little queasy, but it's been a few weeks since I've actually vomited so that's nice. I haven't had any bleeding/spotting in over a month and that's great. I'm still on the twice daily progesterone suppository regimen and it's tolerable; besides, I'm sure my OB will take me off the prog suppos at my appointment next Friday. My energy levels have been steadily increasing the last couple of weeks and I'm assuming it's because my placenta is finally up & running.
I was cool in the doctor's office, but I broke down in tears of joy and thanksgiving as soon as I was in my car. I'm so thankful, so very thankful, that this baby is looking so good. I pray every night for this sweet babe, as I've prayed every night for the final member of our family for over two years now. If this baby is a girl, she already has her name. If this baby is a boy, I'm asking God to send me another name dream because I can't possibly give a son this name. My husband isn't fond of the girl's name I was given and he'd hit the roof if I proposed it for a son!
I'm so happy and eager to meet the one who will complete our family. Oh, little one, how I've longed for you! You're already cherished and loved so much. Stay healthy & strong and I'll be seeing you nestled in my arms in two more trimesters. xoxo
Monday, June 20, 2011
Prayers for a Friend & Her Baby
I'm soliciting prayers tonight for a dear friend who some readers know very well. She's one of the wonderful ladies who watched my son when I had to leave him to go to New Jersey last year for my brother's funeral. She not only volunteered to watch my rambunctious lil' guy, but she also sent a delicious supper home with him that night so my hubs didn't have to worry about food prep. I might also add that she works from home and has children of her own! I often think that SuperMom's secret identity has been revealed when I see her making it all work while maintaining her sanity and good humor.
She's a little less than four-weeks from her estimated due date and she's been monitored in the hospital while on bedrest for the last several days. Her amniotic fluid levels are a bit lower than expected and there is concern that her placenta shows a lot of calcification. Adding to her worries is that she has Gestational Diabetes and they are having trouble keeping her blood sugar stabilized each evening. Thankfully, her baby isn't showing any signs of distress.
She's understandably upset and missing her family. The entire family is lovely and she has such a genuinely kind heart. Her last blog post illustrated her fears and sadness, leaving me in tears over the entire situation.
Please join me in praying for her physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health during this trying time. Ask for blessings on the sweet little babe still in her womb. Lift her entire family up in prayer as this separation and uncertainty is so very hard on them. God hears our prayers and remember that supplication will bless your own heart too.
She's a little less than four-weeks from her estimated due date and she's been monitored in the hospital while on bedrest for the last several days. Her amniotic fluid levels are a bit lower than expected and there is concern that her placenta shows a lot of calcification. Adding to her worries is that she has Gestational Diabetes and they are having trouble keeping her blood sugar stabilized each evening. Thankfully, her baby isn't showing any signs of distress.
She's understandably upset and missing her family. The entire family is lovely and she has such a genuinely kind heart. Her last blog post illustrated her fears and sadness, leaving me in tears over the entire situation.
Please join me in praying for her physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health during this trying time. Ask for blessings on the sweet little babe still in her womb. Lift her entire family up in prayer as this separation and uncertainty is so very hard on them. God hears our prayers and remember that supplication will bless your own heart too.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Advanced Maternal Age - WTF?!
I think we all can agree that I'm somewhat vain about my age. How vain? I understand that about a year ago several of my friends each thought I was a different age because it's the one thing that I am consistently dishonest about. So this blog post is a big deal to me because I'm copping to my real age rather than a sorta true-ish range because my age is central to the theme of this post.
I'm 35-years old and I will be 36-years old when this baby is born.
Oh sh*t, did you feel that? I think Earth just spun off it's axis. Even nature is freaked out that I put my age in print for all 19 blog Followers to discover. Speaking of which. . .I lost one Follower recently so would you consider "following" me to make up for it??
Yeah, so I'm 35-years old and pregnant. What does that mean? Beyond the obvious answer (which is decreasing fertility, making it more difficult to get knocked up than when you're in your early- to mid-20s), it means that I get a special label in the medical community.
What special label has been bestowed upon me? Is it Best Wife & Mother of All Time? No, though my husband and son both can feel free to think that on their own. Am I called Super Cervix in honor of my body part that is apparently the least likely to dilate when definitely necessary? No and I can tell you that it is the worst super power ever! What label is found right there in my medical chart? What label could cause me to to bristle whenever I see it?
Advanced Maternal Age.
Advanced Maternal Age? Seriously? ADVANCED MATERNAL AGE?! Advanced! I'm 35, not fifty-freaking-five!
Perhaps I'm just sensitive, but advanced maternal age sounds like I'm a grey-haired old hag on Social Security who's going to go straight from my wheelchair to the delivery room. It makes it sound like people aren't sure who's diapers should be checked first, the baby's or mine. It sounds like I'm so ridiculously old to have a baby that it requires a freaking label. Oh, wait. . .
Okay, okay, so I do have grey hair, but come on. Surely I can't be the only one who thinks this label is a bunch of crap! Yes, I'm serious and I'll refrain from calling you Shirley. . .why, yes, I did just shoe-horn an Airplane! reference in there.
Is there an upside to being labeled with advanced maternal age? Uh, that depends on your definition of "upside." I don't generally consider extra doctor visits, additional labs & ultrasounds, and an increased risk of birth defects to be upsides so I'm just not seeing the benefits to this label at this time. Of course, I'm not saying that I don't see the benefits of the pregnancy because obviously there's a huge benefit at the end of the line. It's just the label that aggravates me.
Thanks to my advanced maternal age, I had seven or eight vials of blood drawn today. It's not so bad (as I told my little boy who was in tow) and it's kinda nice that there's a good, better, & best of diagnostics so it's not just a choice between amniocentesis and getting a surprise at the end of the 40-weeks. I will have another set of blood work done in the second trimester and I'm scheduled for a nuchal translucency ultrasound (also called an NT scan) next Friday. This screening doesn't definitively say anything, it just indicates if there is a tendency toward certain abnormalities. The results will be helpful in deciding if I want to have any further diagnostics performed.
I didn't go with chorionic villus sampling (CVS) because it's an invasive test (like amnio) and it's not like I'm going to abort this baby anyway so I didn't see the point in doing an in-depth and invasive test in the first trimester. I think that choosing amniocentesis right off the bat is overkill at age 35, considering the risk of miscarriage associated with amnio is about the same as the risk of having a child with genetic defect at this age. I do see a value in being prepared and doing research if it's revealed that there is a possibility that my baby has certain defects so I'm not saying that I wouldn't choose to have further testing performed if the screening I'm having performed indicates that my baby may have certain defects. I'm just saying that there's no big rush since it's not like I'm going to go abort my baby if a defect is revealed.
As a weird side note, someone told me that they thought getting the most in-depth diagnostics performed is the way to go because it's so sad that babies are born with defects like Down Syndrome so getting the information beforehand could allow for termination. I was stunned at the statement because it basically was saying that people with genetic defects are better off dead. That sounds suspiciously like Nazi talk to me and I forced myself to remain calm while I responded that I found it so sad that a mother would voluntarily stop her child's beating heart simply because the child didn't fit some definition of perfection.
I used to think that people took out their brains when talking with pregnant women, but now I'm sure of it. Hey, looks like increased wisdom has come with my advanced maternal age!
I'm 35-years old and I will be 36-years old when this baby is born.
Oh sh*t, did you feel that? I think Earth just spun off it's axis. Even nature is freaked out that I put my age in print for all 19 blog Followers to discover. Speaking of which. . .I lost one Follower recently so would you consider "following" me to make up for it??
Yeah, so I'm 35-years old and pregnant. What does that mean? Beyond the obvious answer (which is decreasing fertility, making it more difficult to get knocked up than when you're in your early- to mid-20s), it means that I get a special label in the medical community.
What special label has been bestowed upon me? Is it Best Wife & Mother of All Time? No, though my husband and son both can feel free to think that on their own. Am I called Super Cervix in honor of my body part that is apparently the least likely to dilate when definitely necessary? No and I can tell you that it is the worst super power ever! What label is found right there in my medical chart? What label could cause me to to bristle whenever I see it?
Advanced Maternal Age.
Advanced Maternal Age? Seriously? ADVANCED MATERNAL AGE?! Advanced! I'm 35, not fifty-freaking-five!
Perhaps I'm just sensitive, but advanced maternal age sounds like I'm a grey-haired old hag on Social Security who's going to go straight from my wheelchair to the delivery room. It makes it sound like people aren't sure who's diapers should be checked first, the baby's or mine. It sounds like I'm so ridiculously old to have a baby that it requires a freaking label. Oh, wait. . .
Okay, okay, so I do have grey hair, but come on. Surely I can't be the only one who thinks this label is a bunch of crap! Yes, I'm serious and I'll refrain from calling you Shirley. . .why, yes, I did just shoe-horn an Airplane! reference in there.
Is there an upside to being labeled with advanced maternal age? Uh, that depends on your definition of "upside." I don't generally consider extra doctor visits, additional labs & ultrasounds, and an increased risk of birth defects to be upsides so I'm just not seeing the benefits to this label at this time. Of course, I'm not saying that I don't see the benefits of the pregnancy because obviously there's a huge benefit at the end of the line. It's just the label that aggravates me.
Thanks to my advanced maternal age, I had seven or eight vials of blood drawn today. It's not so bad (as I told my little boy who was in tow) and it's kinda nice that there's a good, better, & best of diagnostics so it's not just a choice between amniocentesis and getting a surprise at the end of the 40-weeks. I will have another set of blood work done in the second trimester and I'm scheduled for a nuchal translucency ultrasound (also called an NT scan) next Friday. This screening doesn't definitively say anything, it just indicates if there is a tendency toward certain abnormalities. The results will be helpful in deciding if I want to have any further diagnostics performed.
I didn't go with chorionic villus sampling (CVS) because it's an invasive test (like amnio) and it's not like I'm going to abort this baby anyway so I didn't see the point in doing an in-depth and invasive test in the first trimester. I think that choosing amniocentesis right off the bat is overkill at age 35, considering the risk of miscarriage associated with amnio is about the same as the risk of having a child with genetic defect at this age. I do see a value in being prepared and doing research if it's revealed that there is a possibility that my baby has certain defects so I'm not saying that I wouldn't choose to have further testing performed if the screening I'm having performed indicates that my baby may have certain defects. I'm just saying that there's no big rush since it's not like I'm going to go abort my baby if a defect is revealed.
As a weird side note, someone told me that they thought getting the most in-depth diagnostics performed is the way to go because it's so sad that babies are born with defects like Down Syndrome so getting the information beforehand could allow for termination. I was stunned at the statement because it basically was saying that people with genetic defects are better off dead. That sounds suspiciously like Nazi talk to me and I forced myself to remain calm while I responded that I found it so sad that a mother would voluntarily stop her child's beating heart simply because the child didn't fit some definition of perfection.
I used to think that people took out their brains when talking with pregnant women, but now I'm sure of it. Hey, looks like increased wisdom has come with my advanced maternal age!
Thursday, June 9, 2011
They're NOT Your Boobs So You Can Just Suck It!
I recently read an article about so-called extended breastfeeding and it got me thinking. Dangerous, I know. But it made me wonder why it is that people (even pediatricians if you can believe it!) imply that
What's that you say? It weirds you out to see a walking toddler suck milk from the source? Why would that weird anyone out? Breasts may well be fun in the sack, keep crumbs off your lap, and help enhance sweaters, but they do definitely serve a dual purpose and producing milk for human children is the reason our breasts are equipped with milk ducts. Why keep breasts in only the "sexy" compartment when they are also designed to fill another purpose? Don't hold back the ta-tas, they are incredibly versatile and really can fill many roles!
Sure, breasts are hot. But breastfeeding isn't sexy, it's simply feeding a child. If you wouldn't be disgusted or offended by a mother bottlefeeding, you shouldn't feel either negative emotion about a mother breastfeeding.
Interestingly enough, I don't have a lot of breast tissue, but they are sensitive and I'll admit that I did worry about whether or not I'd get "turned on" when my baby nursed. I shouldn't have wasted my time on such a dopey thought. Seriously, it turned out that breastfeeding is probably the least sexy thing I've ever done. Let's start with the fact that I cried when I tried to nurse in the early weeks because it hurt so darn bad! Thanks to that awful early experience, my advice to everyone is to see a lactation consultant while still in the hospital if at all possible because I suffered needlessly for far too long! Once the initial seven-weeks of torture was over, breastfeeding was easy and awesome though it wasn't remotely sexy. Sex literally was the furthest thing from my mind when my son nursed, but nipples dripping (okay, spraying) milk all over the place just doesn't do it for me so I acknowledge that your results may vary.
If you have an issue with seeing a young toddler breastfeeding, well, you're the one with the issue - not the mother and certainly not the child. You can just suck it if you don't like it. . .just don't suck them or you'll likely get a knuckle sandwich courtesy of mama.
The benefits of nursing your child until one year of age are well documented and known to most of the general public. I thought it would be good to list out the benefits of so-called extended nursing (that is, nursing that goes beyond one year) for your baby:
- Nutrition. Breastmilk is still nutritious and healthy for a toddler. Sure, it's composition is different than what you'd produce for a one-month old, but a toddler is also eating solids and doesn't require breastmilk for all nutrients. Understand that this does not mean there aren't any nutrients in breastmilk (honestly, that's about the most absurd thing I've ever heard), it just means that the toddler also gets nutrients from other sources.
- Decreased risk of illness. This is huge to me because sick kids aren't any fun! Breastmilk contains anti-bodies that are very beneficial to the child's immune system. In fact, some of these immunological factors are actually increased in the 2nd year of lactation until weaning occurs! Breastfed children suffer far fewer colds and illnesses than their formula/cow milk fed counterparts.
- Reduced allergies. Breastfed children as a whole have far fewer allergies than their formula/cow milk fed counterparts. I've read that this is due to having a healthier gut lining, but haven't really researched it as allergies don't run in our families.
- Confidence & Independence. Seems counterintuitive to say that extended nursing will raise a more confident child, but studies have shown that it does because that child's needs have been lovingly met and the child received plenty of consistent nurturing. Is it possible to do both without breastfeeding? Sure, but whipping out the twins is easy, natural, and normal and I'm all about doing whatever's easy, natural, and normal.
- It's encouraged by experts. Don't just take it from a middle-aged suburban blogger, listen to the experts. Both the American Academy of Pediatrics and the World Health Organization recommend breastfeeding beyond age one for the health benefits to baby and mama. Indeed, WHO recommends it continue beyond age two!
- Convenience. Unlike bottles and sippy cups of formula or cow milk, your breastmilk is always there, always safe to consume, always ready for your child.
- It's comforting. Toddlerhood can be a scary time for a child and most don't have the ability to express their concerns and fears so they throw tantrums. Countless breastfeeding mothers can attest to the fact that a little comfort nursing can head off most tantrums and soothe even the most upset child.
In case the benefits to your child aren't enough, what about the benefits afforded you by nursing? This list isn't specific to extended nursing. . .breastfeeding for any length of time is beneficial.
- It's easier. Waking up at all hours of the day and night to prepare and clean bottles & nipples wasn't very appealing to me. What could be easier than putting the baby to breast and then putting them back to bed? One could argue that co-sleeping mothers have it even easier as they don't even have to get out of bed. Heck, I didn't want to deal with bottles during waking hours either!
- Easier weight loss after pregnancy. What woman hasn't lamented how they looked after delivery? The body expects the mother to breastfeed and stores up fat to help facilitate breastfeeding. The easiest way to move that fat off your body is to breastfeed! Most, not all, women find that breastfeeding makes post-partum weight loss extremely easy. Note that this isn't a green light to chow down on double cheeseburgers or you might find that you're just as heavy or heavier as when you were pregnant! Remember that you only need around 300 extra calories each day while breastfeeding.
- Lowered risk of many cancers. Breast cancer risk in particular is lowered through breastfeeding, but ovarian, uterine, and endometrial cancers are also lower in women who breastfed their children.
- Delayed return of menses and ovulation/fertility. This is primarily true for exclusive breastfeeding (ZERO supplementation with solids or formula), which is recommended for the first six months of an infant's life anyway, but most women find that menses doesn't return for a loooong time if they are committed to nursing. While it's possible that one may ovulate without experiencing a period, it's most often true that you aren't ovulating if you aren't getting periods. Of course, you should use a backup form of birth control if you aren't exclusively breastfeeding.
- Increased emotional well being. Prolactin, the hormone that helps produce milk, naturally promotes relaxation and relieves stress. Speaking for myself, I always felt the world simply fell away when I was nursing my son and sometimes would be shocked to discover that I had actually dozed during the nursing session. Given my history with insomnia, the extra rest was awesome! Oxytocin, stimulated during let down, is called the bonding hormone because it inspires loving feelings. I lost count of the number of times that I felt my heart would burst out of my chest with love and joy for my son while nursing. Sure, my love burns for my son like the fire of a thousand suns, but my feelings were somehow magnified by the oxytocin while nursing.
A friend of mine summed it up perfectly when she said, I'll paraphrase, if it's not your kid or your boobs why do you care?
What's that you say? It weirds you out to see a walking toddler suck milk from the source? Why would that weird anyone out? Breasts may well be fun in the sack, keep crumbs off your lap, and help enhance sweaters, but they do definitely serve a dual purpose and producing milk for human children is the reason our breasts are equipped with milk ducts. Why keep breasts in only the "sexy" compartment when they are also designed to fill another purpose? Don't hold back the ta-tas, they are incredibly versatile and really can fill many roles!
Sure, breasts are hot. But breastfeeding isn't sexy, it's simply feeding a child. If you wouldn't be disgusted or offended by a mother bottlefeeding, you shouldn't feel either negative emotion about a mother breastfeeding.
Interestingly enough, I don't have a lot of breast tissue, but they are sensitive and I'll admit that I did worry about whether or not I'd get "turned on" when my baby nursed. I shouldn't have wasted my time on such a dopey thought. Seriously, it turned out that breastfeeding is probably the least sexy thing I've ever done. Let's start with the fact that I cried when I tried to nurse in the early weeks because it hurt so darn bad! Thanks to that awful early experience, my advice to everyone is to see a lactation consultant while still in the hospital if at all possible because I suffered needlessly for far too long! Once the initial seven-weeks of torture was over, breastfeeding was easy and awesome though it wasn't remotely sexy. Sex literally was the furthest thing from my mind when my son nursed, but nipples dripping (okay, spraying) milk all over the place just doesn't do it for me so I acknowledge that your results may vary.
If you have an issue with seeing a young toddler breastfeeding, well, you're the one with the issue - not the mother and certainly not the child. You can just suck it if you don't like it. . .just don't suck them or you'll likely get a knuckle sandwich courtesy of mama.
* * *
The benefits of nursing your child until one year of age are well documented and known to most of the general public. I thought it would be good to list out the benefits of so-called extended nursing (that is, nursing that goes beyond one year) for your baby:
- Nutrition. Breastmilk is still nutritious and healthy for a toddler. Sure, it's composition is different than what you'd produce for a one-month old, but a toddler is also eating solids and doesn't require breastmilk for all nutrients. Understand that this does not mean there aren't any nutrients in breastmilk (honestly, that's about the most absurd thing I've ever heard), it just means that the toddler also gets nutrients from other sources.
- Decreased risk of illness. This is huge to me because sick kids aren't any fun! Breastmilk contains anti-bodies that are very beneficial to the child's immune system. In fact, some of these immunological factors are actually increased in the 2nd year of lactation until weaning occurs! Breastfed children suffer far fewer colds and illnesses than their formula/cow milk fed counterparts.
- Reduced allergies. Breastfed children as a whole have far fewer allergies than their formula/cow milk fed counterparts. I've read that this is due to having a healthier gut lining, but haven't really researched it as allergies don't run in our families.
- Confidence & Independence. Seems counterintuitive to say that extended nursing will raise a more confident child, but studies have shown that it does because that child's needs have been lovingly met and the child received plenty of consistent nurturing. Is it possible to do both without breastfeeding? Sure, but whipping out the twins is easy, natural, and normal and I'm all about doing whatever's easy, natural, and normal.
- It's encouraged by experts. Don't just take it from a middle-aged suburban blogger, listen to the experts. Both the American Academy of Pediatrics and the World Health Organization recommend breastfeeding beyond age one for the health benefits to baby and mama. Indeed, WHO recommends it continue beyond age two!
- Convenience. Unlike bottles and sippy cups of formula or cow milk, your breastmilk is always there, always safe to consume, always ready for your child.
- It's comforting. Toddlerhood can be a scary time for a child and most don't have the ability to express their concerns and fears so they throw tantrums. Countless breastfeeding mothers can attest to the fact that a little comfort nursing can head off most tantrums and soothe even the most upset child.
In case the benefits to your child aren't enough, what about the benefits afforded you by nursing? This list isn't specific to extended nursing. . .breastfeeding for any length of time is beneficial.
- It's easier. Waking up at all hours of the day and night to prepare and clean bottles & nipples wasn't very appealing to me. What could be easier than putting the baby to breast and then putting them back to bed? One could argue that co-sleeping mothers have it even easier as they don't even have to get out of bed. Heck, I didn't want to deal with bottles during waking hours either!
- Easier weight loss after pregnancy. What woman hasn't lamented how they looked after delivery? The body expects the mother to breastfeed and stores up fat to help facilitate breastfeeding. The easiest way to move that fat off your body is to breastfeed! Most, not all, women find that breastfeeding makes post-partum weight loss extremely easy. Note that this isn't a green light to chow down on double cheeseburgers or you might find that you're just as heavy or heavier as when you were pregnant! Remember that you only need around 300 extra calories each day while breastfeeding.
- Lowered risk of many cancers. Breast cancer risk in particular is lowered through breastfeeding, but ovarian, uterine, and endometrial cancers are also lower in women who breastfed their children.
- Delayed return of menses and ovulation/fertility. This is primarily true for exclusive breastfeeding (ZERO supplementation with solids or formula), which is recommended for the first six months of an infant's life anyway, but most women find that menses doesn't return for a loooong time if they are committed to nursing. While it's possible that one may ovulate without experiencing a period, it's most often true that you aren't ovulating if you aren't getting periods. Of course, you should use a backup form of birth control if you aren't exclusively breastfeeding.
- Increased emotional well being. Prolactin, the hormone that helps produce milk, naturally promotes relaxation and relieves stress. Speaking for myself, I always felt the world simply fell away when I was nursing my son and sometimes would be shocked to discover that I had actually dozed during the nursing session. Given my history with insomnia, the extra rest was awesome! Oxytocin, stimulated during let down, is called the bonding hormone because it inspires loving feelings. I lost count of the number of times that I felt my heart would burst out of my chest with love and joy for my son while nursing. Sure, my love burns for my son like the fire of a thousand suns, but my feelings were somehow magnified by the oxytocin while nursing.
* * *
A friend of mine summed it up perfectly when she said, I'll paraphrase, if it's not your kid or your boobs why do you care?
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