Tuesday, May 31, 2011

More Fun From My Son

My son was tugging at the front of his pants and I inquired, "Does your wiener hurt?"  His classic response?  "No, mine wiener's fine."

* * *

My son woke up from his nap today and asserted that he was three.  I agreed that he was.  Then he said, "Mama's FIVE!"  I replied that I was quite a bit older than that.  His response to a woman who is impossibly vain about her age?  "You're FORTY-FIVE!"  Gee, thanks kid!

* * *

My son had what I'm pretty sure were his very first hot dogs this weekend and he loved them.  I served Big Salad for dinner this evening and included kidney beans in the meal.  My son apparently thought the beans looked like cut up hot dogs and he declared that he loved hot dogs.  I let him know that those were kidney beans he was eating and he christened them, "Hot dog beans!"

* * *

My son asked for "more cookies" and that's not all that unusual because he loves to beg for cookies.  What made me crack up was the way he said it.  The best way I can describe it is that it sounded a bit like Pee-Wee Herman.  My husband and I really lost it when I got the lil' guy to say, "I am not an animal."

* * *

My son stripped out of his clothes right before bathtime and delighted in dancing around the house while saying, "I'm stinky."  Not for long, you little stinker!

Friday, May 27, 2011

It's Time for the Strawberry Festival

Fun * Rides * Games * Vendors * and lots & lots of
Strawberry Tastiness!

In Southern California and looking for something fun to do this weekend?  Come on out to the Garden Grove Strawberry Festival!  The festival runs each day of this weekend, from today until Monday.  You can find all the fun at the Village Green, between Euclid and Main in Downtown Garden Grove.

I have a long history with the Festival.  As a youngster, I volunteered in booths for two different charities.  I think sometime around 1985 or so would have been the first time I was in a booth there.  After being absent for several years, I have been a helper for the Festival itself for the last eight years. 

By far, the most challenging part of volunteering has been working traffic for the parade and helping out at the VIP breakfast Saturday morning.  What am I doing this year?  Take a wild guess. . .I am desperately hoping that I'm not stricken with the same morning sickness that I get every day that I have things to do and places to go.  I'll let you know how that hoping works out for me.

I hope to see you there!

PS  I'll be easy to recognize because I'll have my 3-year old attached to my back or my hip.  ;)

Thursday, May 26, 2011

It's Been Over One Week

I haven't mentioned it because I was afraid to jinx myself, but I inexplicably stopped spotting/bleeding last Wednesday.  I don't know why I stopped and I'm hoping that it's a good thing.  Well, of course it's a good thing because bleeding in early pregnancy may be common, but it's not exactly normal or expected.

In my typical way of borrowing trouble, I've been wondering why it stopped and hoping that it doesn't mean that something is wrong.  Yes, I know that it's better to NOT bleed while pregnant than TO bleed while pregnant.  It just took me by surprise that the bleeding has disappeared.  It's like a faucet, a constantly leaky faucet, was fixed and the flow was turned off.

I'm a little skeptical that it's gone for good because it was here for over a month.  It would be so typical of my body to lull me into a pair of lovely white panties and then open the floodgates and destroy everything in the flow's path.  I can't really do anything about the bleeding one way or another so I'm padded up at all times (complete with ugly granny panties), fully expecting it to return with a vengeance at any moment.

I spotted or bled nearly every single day for the first 6 1/2-weeks of this pregnancy.  Prior to the spotting stopping last Wednesday, the last time that I didn't have any vaginal bleeding was during the twelve-days between my last menstrual period and when began using the progesterone suppositories.  That marked the beginning of this red-venture.

What now?  I don't know.  I'm feeling pretty good lately so I don't want to make myself sick with worry.  Other than the bleeding difficulties, this pregnancy reminds me so much of how I felt when I was carrying my son.  I'm tired (though my energy is improving with the cessation of bleeding), I feel queasy sometimes (though I puke every single time I have things to do or places to go), I have some food aversions (not like it's stopping me from eating though), my boobs are painfully gorgeous (I can't believe the size bra I had to purchase this weekend), and I'm happy.  I'm really, really happy.

I've been so afraid to become too attached to this pregnancy, this baby, and I think it's odd that I've grown so peacefully happy over the last several days.  I guess it's just that I don't want this pregnancy to grow in the shadow of my lost pregnancy.  That's not fair to me or to this baby.  That baby is gone, but this baby is here right now and I am so thankful.

Pregnancy should be a time of happiness and joy and losing my last pregnancy robbed me of those feelings, prevented me from revelling in them for these last several weeks.  Those ecstatic feelings are here now and I'm keeping them.  This baby is sunshine and I won't compare this pregnancy to those hard weeks of dark clouds and rain.

You know, my estimated due date is the first anniversary of the day that my last baby died.  That really bothered me to discover, but it doesn't now because I think I've finally realized that this baby is already it's own person.  This baby has nothing to do with that baby and I will love this baby as much as I would have loved that baby - no matter what day I actually deliver.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

A Reminder to Myself


Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Hippie Soap

I am looking to buy some new soap.  For lack of better term, I'm looking for some hippie soap.  What the heck is hippie soap?  I want a bath soap (preferably liquid, but I can live with bars) that is as natural as possible and that does not have any endocrine disruptors. 

My husband enjoyed a hearty laugh at my concerns about my bath soap and he inquired if I'd be procuring Cherokee hair tampons next (seems like we've had this conversation more than once), but I have a good reason for wanting hippie soap.  Well, maybe not a good reason.  More like a sad and pathetic reason, but it's a reason and it's mine.

I didn't use my regular soap for weeks after I discovered I was pregnant last November because I'd been trying to get pregnant for so long and I was afraid to use anything that might be harmful to embryonic or (later on) fetal development.  I used a very mild facial cleanser instead of my regular bath wash.  I ultimately thought I was being a little too paranoid and I was being silly to fear soap so I began to use it again.  My baby died a few weeks later.

Was it the soap?  No, I don't believe so.  But I already had hormonal difficulties and who's to say that it didn't tip my hormones out of balance just enough to cause "fetal demise"? 

I discovered the Skin Deep database recently and learned that my regular bath wash is a 6 on their scale and the facial cleanser is a 3.  Both are indicated as potentially causing endocrine disruption.  Obviously, I don't want to use either.

So, here's where I'm hoping that my crunchy readers will come through with some recommendations for me.  Tell me what bath products you would recommend.  I'm specifically concerned about avoiding anything that might stimulate or mimic estrogen and, from a reproductive standpoint, I'd like to keep things as hormonally neutral as possible. 

What soap do you use in the shower?  Is it liquid or bar?  Where do you buy it?  Is it expensive?  Does it smell like Birkenstocks & hairy armpits or is it something that a mainstream-hippie would be willing to use?  Does the line/brand have other products that are worth checking out?

Monday, May 23, 2011

Taking Weekends Off

I've had a few people notice that I didn't write any blog posts this last weekend.  I also didn't write one the Sunday before last.  I didn't really think anyone would notice and I purposely didn't submit anything.  I decided to stop writing on the weekend for no other reasons than I'm ridiculously tired lately and my weekend blogs are historically not well-read or shared by many people.  So there it is, my laziness and vanity dictate that I scale back to a Monday through Friday writing schedule.

Friday, May 20, 2011

The Circle of Life

I realize that I'll probably end up with my head in the toilet most of the day because that's my body's MO when I have plans, but I have quite a busy day scheduled for tomorrow.  There's no way that I'll get everything done that I'd like to and I'll try my best to hit two of the events.  I have a baby shower to attend, was invited to two birthday parties, and will also try to attend a memorial service for two people.  Oh, and my parents are coming over to have supper tomorrow night.

It occurs to me that tomorrow afternoon's activities perfectly demonstrate the circle of life:  a baby shower to welcome the grandchild of long-time friends, celebrating the births of two friends' young children, and honoring the lives of a dear friends' parents.  We are all born and we all die, but not all of us live our lives to the fullest.  Heck, I know that sometimes I don't.  As I said a long time ago, make your dash count.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Waiting for Some More Good News

This has been quite an excellent week thus far.  We received interesting information at around 11:30 last night and we should know in the next day or so if this week qualifies as the best week ever!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Prayers for a Dear Friend

Last week I blogged about a friend who had just lost her mother.  I'm saddened to hear that she lost her father today.  I can't imagine how she must ache, how her entire family must hurt.

I believe in prayer and I have been praying for my friend every day.  At the height of my own grief, immediately after my brother's death and my baby's death, there were days that I couldn't bring myself to pray.  I wanted to, it's just that I couldn't bring myself to do it.  I didn't feel angry with God, I just felt spiritually dull and dry (broken, really), but I know that I was being prayed for by friends and family members.  I'm convinced that those prayers are what kept me going and what helped lift the heavy fog of depression that was beginning to descend.

Christians may grieve differently than some, the promise of eternal life with Him is a great comfort, but they do still grieve.  Even Jesus wept for Lazarus. . .before He restored him.  Her parents are gone from this earthly life, but they have been restored; reunited with Christ and with each other.

My loving Lord carried me through my darkest hours and I'm know that He's with her too.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Thriller Thrilled

My family had a celebration today and we dined out for dinner this evening.  This restaurant-ish place was noisy (always a plus when you have a toddler in tow) and it was lousy with college-aged kids.  The raucous co-eds behind us delighted in butchering every song that was played at ear-splitting level and I was happy when "Stairway to Heaven" started playing because they clearly had never heard the song.  As someone who doesn't really care for Zep, but does own Zeppelin IV, I find it unbelievable that there is anyone who doesn't know that song.

When "Thriller" came on the speakers, they were markedly less than.  I realized quickly that these young ladies probably, no make that definitely, were not even born when that album came out.  And that made me feel OLD!

I'm not some huge Michael Jackson fan or anything, but I do like some of his music.  Okay, stop laughing.  I said, "Stoppit!"

Look, I'm in my mid-30s (I guess) and he was HUGE when I was a little girl.  How huge was he?  So freaking huge that my super-square parents let me stay up way the heck after my bedtime to watch the world premiere of the video for the song "Thriller."  Not only that, but they actually watched the video too!  HUUUUUGE!

I'm telling you, Michael Jackson used to be totally cool instead of a total tool.  I'm not going to rag on a dead guy, but he had a spectacular fall from grace, right?

Back to the video. . .it was remarkably groundbreaking for the time it was made.  "Thriller" certainly lived up to the name.  And I'm a little embarassed to admit that I clearly remember it's premiere.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Good News from the Doctor!

On May 6, I wrote of the good news that I received from the lab.  Though I was nearly certain that I had miscarried, my hCG numbers continued to rise and very nearly doubled within 48 hours.  This isn't a guarantee that I won't miscarry, but it is an encouraging sign.  My doctor was really happy with the numbers and he asked me to come in when I was around 6-weeks along.

I'm 6w2d and had a doctor's appointment this afternoon.  Though I usually only bleed in the morning, I began bleeding around 45-minutes before my appointment.  Naturally, the red geyser had dried up by the time the doctor started pawing around down there. 

I continue to bleed every day and that has him troubled.  Heck, it has me troubled!  Who wouldn't be troubled by a solid month of bleeding or spotting every single day?! 

Contrary to side effects that I've read from women on the internet, he claims that the progesterone should not be causing my bleeding.  If that's the case, I think it's a mighty big coincidence that I began spotting the day after I started using the progesterone.  Regardless, he wants me to continue using the progesterone suppositories until I'm at least nine-weeks along.  At that point, the placenta should take over progesterone production and the suppositories will not be helpful in continuing the pregnancy.

I wanted to announce this pregnancy to everyone I know once I saw that second pink line at 4:00 am on Easter Sunday, but I just couldn't do it because I'm still painfully aware of what happened to my last baby.  I know this sounds horrible and I hesitate to put this in print, but I try to keep this pregnancy from my mind as much as possible.  I'm still emotionally guarding myself against this pregnancy, this baby.  I am afraid to feel too happy, to love too deeply because I am afraid to feel the aching anguish that I know I'll feel if this baby dies too.

So I had a strange mindset when it came time to perform the important parts of the exam:  the pelvic and the trans-vaginal ultrasound.  I wasn't nervous.  I wasn't anxious.  I wasn't eager.  I was just there, just numbly existing. 

He grumbled about the remarkably difficult position of my cervix (trust me, I wanted to grumble too!), but indicated that it was tightly closed.  That's good news because a miscarriage would be inevitable if the cervix opens (dilates) this early on.  He expressed surprise that he couldn't see any evidence of the suppositories in my vagina and said usually he can see bits of it remaining in the patient.  I let him know that it flows out in a waxy river of grossness about an hour after insertion.  That surprised him too.  I hope that my body is absorbing enough of the progesterone before my magical vadge makes the remnants of the suppositories disappear.  Then he commented that I certainly feel 6-weeks.  Uh, actually, my uterus feels 6-weeks.

The he broke out the trans-vag machine.  I can't help it, but I totally smirk when the doctor/technician/whoever lubes up the dildo-shaped probe and then rolls a rubber down the shaft.  Adding to the awkwardness is that he put on a rubber that surprised the nurse and she commented that she didn't know I was allergic to latex.  He replied that he couldn't find the other ones and she just shook her head.  I wanted to say, "Hey guys, would you mind arguing over prophylactics when I'm not doing the least-sexy split beaver pose in history?"

By the way, he didn't choose ribbed for my pleasure.

I didn't even bother looking at the screen at first.  I don't know why.  I think I was afraid to see absolutely nothing.  Instead, I saw everything. 

There was not only a baby, but also a strong heartbeat.  The baby is also measuring perfectly for 6w2d whereas the last baby was measuring a bit smaller than expected at this point.

This is GREAT news!

He conducted a brief breast exam and I could tell that he was staring at something.  I am a big weirdo in that I involuntarily smile during breast exams.  I can't help it, it feels nice and sometimes it tickles.  So I thought he was probably staring at my silly grin and wondering why he has such a weirdo for a patient.  Finally, he came out with it and asked about the strange vein going on my left breast.  Ah, of course!  I sighed and said it was a symbol of my misspent youth. 

"A tattoo?"  He sounded incredulous.  I guess I don't look the type?

"Sort of.  What's left of one anyway.  You'd think after a year of laser treatments and $1,000 that there wouldn't be anything left.  Ugh!"

Enough about my apparently still tatted up tit, let's get to my restrictions. . .because you know I have to have some, right?  The doctor didn't outright say that I should not have sex, but did say that he wouldn't recommend it since I'm still bleeding every day.  I didn't even ask about sex (seriously it's not even on my radar at the moment) so I guess he knows me pretty well, eh?  I stopped what he was saying with a dismissive wave of my hand and said, "No worries, Doc, it's no man's land down there right now anyway.  I'm not even having Os or anything."  He laughed out loud, looked at my husband and said that had a way with words.  Hubs smiled and shrugged while saying that I am a writer so yeah.  Yes, I was all puffed up because I didn't realize that Hubs considered me a writer.

I'm thankful and feel encouraged, but am still cautious because the worst can still happen.  My faith has been challenged, but I know that this baby will be if it's God's will.  Nonetheless, I pray for this baby every night and I feel strengthened by the daily prayers of friends and family members.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Why is it. . .

- that there is only one serving of noodles when I'm queasy and only noodles sound good?  Naturally, my son wanted noodles too.

- that my one month prescription contains only 50 suppositories?  How exactly am I'm supposed to use two each day when I only get 50 for the month?

- that cable shows are so much better than what the networks offer?

- that buying another house has turned into a never-freaking-ending saga that goes on and on and on?

- that beer is suddenly the absolute worst-smelling substance on the planet?

- that Braveheart was a bigger success than Rob Roy?

- that my back begins to ache after riding in my husband's car for a few hours?

- that my husband's house is pretty much looking exactly the way I've wanted it to look and we're selling it to someone else to enjoy?

- that my son is so sweet one moment and such a terror the next?

- that I'm screwing around on-line when I could be catching up on The Borgias?

Friday, May 13, 2011

Guess Who Has Morning Sickness Again?

I never experienced morning sickness when I was pregnant with my son.  Sure, I had queasiness for a few weeks, but I sure wasn't vomiting or feeling ill all day long.  I didn't really have any challenging symptoms other than a constant backache.  That entire pregnancy was pretty doggone easy and I've come to realize that I was ridiculously lucky to have a relative lack of pregnancy complaints.

It totally took me by surprise when I was sick as a dog while pregnant with my lost baby.  I couldn't even keep down water and weighing in at each appointment showed that I lost weight the entire time.  Since I had so many spotting scares with that pregnancy, I took some measure of comfort in my 24/7 pukefest because the theory is that your hCG levels are continuing to increase if you're continuing to suffer.  I still ended up losing that baby so I think it's entirely possible that the theory is complete crap.

I woke up feeling queasy this morning.  Actually, I felt a little ill last night before bed. . .I would have bet everything that I own that there was a skunk in our yard.  I didn't actually yak over the possibly imagined scent, but it was bad enough that my stomach turned and I had to swallow often to keep my dinner down.

I was struggling to keep down plain ol' water this morning.  I'd reached the point where I thought I might be able to keep down a piece of toast and maybe an egg.  Then the painters showed to do their touch up work.

I almost puked last night over the smell of a skunk that may or may not have even existed and now my house would be filled with oh-so-very-real paint fumes.  Wonderful, just wonderful.  Why, yes, I did end up tossing my cookies while the painters were here! 

I ultimately ended up feeling sick & queasy all day.  My nausea subsided enough in the early evening that I walked through two houses. . .I should have stopped after the first house.  The second house smelled so strongly of cat piss and cigarettes that I swear I can still smell it hours later.  Gotta love that super-human pregnancy nose!

My husband tells me that I look back on my son's pregnancy with rose colored glasses and that I had plenty of complaints.  Perhaps he's right, but it seems like I'd remember the really rough stuff.  I mean, I do remember how much my back ached.

I've gone up a cup-size in the last three weeks and, as a result, my boobs are killing me.  I apparently can't even keep water on my stomach without vomiting.  Thankfully it appears that that symptom is only around in the morning.  I've been spotting and/or bleeding every damn day for nearly a month now, courtesy of the suppositories that are helping to keep my uterine lining intact - thereby keeping my baby in my uterus.  At least, I'm inclined to blame the prog suppos since I've been spotting since I began to use them. 

Other than my nice cans and the lil' bun in my oven, it's really starting to seem like my body rebels against me when pregnant.  I'm rooting for Team Babyworks!

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Sometimes Choice is Not a Good Thing

I have a ridiculously difficult time making decisions, but I do like choices.  I assume that everyone likes to make their own choices and, in that spirit, I often try to let my son make some of his own.  For example, I'll ask if he wants to eat pasta or rice, pretzels or Cheerios, carrots or celery.  I also ask him if he has an opinion on the clothes that he wears.  He typically doesn't care and will accept any outfit I pull from his closet. . .and then there are days like yesterday!

My son is enamored with this song about monkeys and a crocodile.  He's not just enamored, he's obsessed.  He sings it ALL THE TIME and he fully expects your rapt attention even though you've heard this song at least 2,012 times - in the same day!

Since he loves this song so much, imagine how excited I was when I realized that he has a shirt with a monkey and a shirt with a crocodile.  I thought that he'd surely love to wear one of these shirts while singing his favorite song.  Read on to see what I get for thinking.

I made the mistake of asking him which shirt he'd like to wear.  First he said the monkey.  I took out the shirt and he insisted that he wanted the crocodile.  I took out the crocodile and put back the monkey.  That's when he claimed to want the monkey.  Do you see where this is going?

Silly me, I pulled the monkey shirt back out and then he flung himself to the ground while howling that he wanted the crocodile.  I wondered if I'd mar our freshly painted walls if I slammed my head against one.  I had no idea just how bad it was gonna get!

I made the decision (a fairly quick one too!) to put him in the crocodile shirt.  If CPS showed up yesterday to investigate a child who was screaming nonstop for 40 minutes, they never would have believed that this parental action is what caused the child's response.  And he wasn't just screaming for 40 minutes - he was crying and throwing himself to the ground over & over again too.  I give the kid an A- for throwing a nearly perfect toddler temper tantrum.  He'd have earned an A+ if he'd managed to mortify me by pulling this stunt in public.

I didn't just ignore the child as he was carrying on and, for some reason, I kept trying to help make him happy.  He screamed that he didn't want the crocodile shirt so I tried to take it off.  Of course, he pulled away and then yelled that he wanted the crocodile shirt.  Not ten seconds went by when he reverted to the original sentiment.  This didn't just happen a couple of times.  Oh no, toddlers aren't that easy!  We went through this at least five times before I finally just pulled the shirt off of him and threw it in the dirty clothes hamper.

He flipped out.  I grabbed the monkey shirt to put on him and he ran away from me, howling that he doesn't like monkey shirts.  Um, what?  Okay. 

So I let him run around without a shirt.  My rationale was that he'd stop yelling about these stupid shirts if he wasn't wearing one at all.  Ha! 

How did I finally restore peace to my home?  I put him in the monkey shirt. . .with the crocodile shirt layered on top.  I can assure you that it will be a long, long, long, long time before I ask him what he'd like to wear!

A Fond Farewell to a Few Friends

Dear Coffee, Diet Coke, Ketel One, Query Sauvignon Blanc, Raw Sushi, and any other friends I've missed:

You've been favorite friends and I've appreciated the fun times we've had together.  However, my present circumstances dictate that our association must end.  It's been nearly five weeks without vodka or wine, three weeks without sushi, and four days without any caffeine.  I miss you all terribly, but my love for this teeny-tiny babe already exceeds my affection for you.  I'll see you in around 18-months or so.


Tuesday, May 10, 2011

We're Never Ready to Say Goodbye

I've just learned that a very good friend lost her mother this morning.  I have had so much to say while processing my own grief over losing my brother and my baby, but words escape me at the moment.  All I can think to say when my friend is hurting over a painful loss is that I'm sorry.

As would be expected when a friend suffers a loss, I hurt for her in a strangely personal way.  I can't recall ever meeting her mom, but I've heard enough about her that I feel like I knew her.  She sounded like a spectacularly wonderful mother - one any girl would be thrilled to have - and I'm sure that makes this grief so much more painful for the family.

It occurs to me that it's always too soon to say goodbye when our loved ones pass away.  If I've said it once, I've said it a million times:  Love your loved ones and let them feel your love every day because tomorrow isn't promised to anyone.

Monday, May 9, 2011


One wouldn't think that painters would leave your home a colossal mess, but some apparently do.  I worked my butt off from 1:00 until around 9:00 today so that my family could sleep at home tonight.  What did I do that took eight hours?  I thoroughly cleaned my kitchen, two bathrooms, the dining room, and my son's bedroom.  I decided to let everything else wait until tomorrow.  What's left?  My bedroom, the den, and our living room.

Why was I so determined to be home tonight?  I actually had a few reasons.  One is that I just don't sleep well when I'm away from home and I feel sleep-deprived as a result.  Another is that I have yet to be slammed with first trimester exhaustion so I'm trying to take advantage of my current energy levels.  Finally, my son lit up when he saw all his toys and he was eager to sleep with his "animal friends."  How eager?  He actually ASKED for a nap so he could sleep in his own bed!  Let's face it, the kid is the only reason that I busted my hump all damn day.

The house, half the house anyway, looks great.  I miss color on the walls and photos of my family, but this hopefully won't be my house for much longer.  I hear rain at the moment so I suppose the exterior painting will have to wait another day or so.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Happy Mother's Day

It's Mother's Day and I've tried my darndest to do as little as possible today so I'm taking the night off from blogging too.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

The 'okey 'okey

My son is a sweetheart and he's one of the few people on the planet who actually likes my horrible singing.  He begged me to sing "The 'okey 'okey" the other night.  It took a minute before I realized that he wanted me to do the Hokey Pokey.  Of course, I obliged and he surprisingly joined in for the little song & dance. 

I never knew just how much happiness I could feel while teaching my 3-year old how to do the Hokey Pokey, but I swear that my heart nearly burst into a million pieces when he performed it tonight for his Grandmother.  My son is such a blessing and a true joy.  Other than the flowers that he picks in the yard, I don't expect that I'll receive a present from him tomorrow for Mother's Day and I'm okay with that because he is already a marvelously wonderful gift.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Good News from the Lab!

After writing my post last night, I was fairly certain that I was jinxing myself. . .and I was right since the spotting returned today.  But I can't be too upset about it because I got some good news from the lab today.  Not just good news, but very good news!  Let me start from the beginning and stop being so dang cryptic. . .

I am pregnant again.  I am 4 weeks + 6 days pregnant.  I keep wanting to pinch myself because I'm so thrilled and so happy that I hope it's not just a pleasant dream.  I know exactly when this baby was conceived and readers of this blog can probably figure it out pretty easily too.  I believe this baby likely implanted 2-years (nearly to the day!) since we've been trying for the baby who will complete our family.  Assuming I carry this child to term, I could very well have a new babe in my arms at the very end of this year.

I began using the progesterone suppositories on April 17 and I had already conceived (but obviously didn't know it yet) at that point.  I have had spotting every day since beginning to use the prog suppos.  That sucks, but it's a "normal" side effect so I was tolerating the bleeding fairly well. . .until I got a positive pregnancy test at 4:00 am on Easter Sunday.  There is little that is more distressing to a pregnant woman than vaginal bleeding.  Given that bleeding marked the beginning of the end of my last pregnancy, it is truly something that I'd rather not be experiencing at the moment.  But, since it was just light spotting, it wasn't too too bad to handle.

However, I had two clots this last weekend.  They were small (about half the size of a dime) and mucousy (stretchy & sticky), but they freaked me the heck out because the obvious implication.  Then I began to bleed.  I wasn't spotting, I was bleeding.  It was a thin & watery blood and it was a color that I would consider red.  I think every woman would naturally assume that their pregnancy was ending/had ended in an early miscarriage at that point.

I contacted my doctor and inquired if I should cancel my first prenatal appointment, which is scheduled for May 16th, because I was certain that the pregnancy had ended.  He suggested that we should check my hCG levels instead and see what we can discover about the pregnancy.  I wrote about the results from my initial test two days ago and I decided to go in today for the follow-up hCG test.  The rap on hCG is that it should double approximately every 2 to 3 days in early pregnancy.  Also, it's a very good indicator of miscarriage if the numbers are dropping.

My hCG level at 4w4d was 3,852.
My hCG level at 4w6d was 7,424.

THE NUMBERS NEARLY DOUBLED IN JUST AT 48 HOURS!  This isn't a guarantee of the best possible outcome (a healthy, full-term pregnancy), but it is VERY GOOD news! 

It's interesting to note that my hCG levels in my last pregnancy weren't doing nearly so good this early on. . .at 5w3d I was only at 4,000 last time.  Again, none of this is a guarantee that I won't suffer another miscarriage, but it is good to know that I have not miscarried.  I don't know how it's possible to lose so much blood and not lose the baby, but I'm just trying to take it one day at a time and sometimes I'm taking it one hour at a time. 

As it stands tonight, I am still pregnant and this pregnancy is progressing.  For that, I give all the thanks to God above.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Where Did It Go? - Part II

This is gross and graphic so skip it if you're squeamish.

It's not that I particularly like or want to see blood when I wipe myself after using the restroom, but I've somewhat grown used to it because I've had spotting every single day since April 17th - the day after I began using the progesterone suppositories.  I suspect that the suppositories are irritating the heck out of my cervix, but acknowledge that I have no definitive proof that is the source of this seemingly nonstop bloody mess.  I had two clots this last weekend (both were small and kinda mucousy) and I've had intermittent episodes of thin & watery blood just dripping out of me when I pee in the toilet.  These developments are why my doctor is having me do some lab work to check out a specific hormone level and try to gauge what's going on up inside.

So I find it interesting that I had just the slightest amount of pink staining on the toilet tissue this morning and that's been it for the entire day.  I fear that my body is storing it up only to unleash it when I least expect it and, for some reason, I assume it will be while I'm wearing white pants.  I can't help but wonder if writing this post isn't going to curse me to a miserably bloody day tomorrow.  Please, no!

I began thinking about what has changed to try and determine why I didn't really experience any bleeding today.  My family has been staying with my in-laws since Monday so that's different.  My insomnia is back since I have a difficult time sleeping in a bed other than my own.  It's been hotter than ten shades of Hell here and I've been pounding the water all day and all night.  I've been unable to lie down after using my morning suppository since I can't let my son run loose in his grandparent's house. 

That last one got me to thinking. . .even though I learned early on to take great care to not insert these darn things too high, maybe the suppository's puddle of melty mess can find it's way up there and it's enough to still irritate my cervix enough to cause bleeding?  Perhaps gravity is helping me out when I simply recline with it in place instead of lying down flat?  It's entirely possible that I will never know for certain why the bleeding has been happening or why it suddenly stopped today.  Whatever the reason, I'm hoping and praying that it won't return!

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Another Trip on the Emotional Roller Coaster

The last couple of weeks have been quite the emotional and physical roller coaster.  I haven't come right out and written what it is that I'm so happy about, but I trust that the readers can accurately guess.  Several friends who read this blog contacted me for confirmation a week or so ago so I guess it's pretty obvious.  I wrote about joy & fear the day after I found out and I've been trying to reign in both emotions.  Well, the fear is here now in full force.

I've been excessively concerned about a certain something that I've been experiencing and my doctor suggested that we should investigate a little further to see what's going on so he ordered a couple of tests for me.  I had some lab work done this morning and the results are interesting.  I hesitate to say they look great, but they certainly don't look bad at this point.  Indeed, the numbers look better now than they have looked for me previously.  Unfortunately, these results don't offer a complete picture and I'll return for more labs on Friday or Saturday.  I know from painful experience that the worst can still happen even if those second labs come back looking fantastic.

I heard the CSN song "Helplessly Hoping" while I was driving to the medical office this morning and the title sums up how I'm feeling at the moment.  I'm praying that my great fear will not come to pass and that my greatest hope will.  All I can do is hope and pray for the desired outcome sometime around the end of this year.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Waiting Until the Last Minute

is not a smart way to plan a party.  :(

Of course, I didn't plan to host a party in the first place, but still.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Work, Work, Work

My family moved out of my husband's home this morning because 10,000 workers showed up to do some serious work.  Yeah, that's a slight exaggeration.  Okay, okay, a huge exaggeration!

A carpenter worked at our house much of last week and his work turned out perfectly fantastic.  We had our driveway poured at the end of last week and it was set enough that the crews can walk on it.  We had a group of tree trimmers, some guys doing miscellaneous work, and a crew of painters over today.  Oh, and the concrete guys showed up again so that they could finish the driveway.  The trees out front have been trimmed, the miscellaneous work is complete, and the ceiling retexturing appears to be halfway complete.  I'm estimating that we should be back in our house sometime this weekend if work continues at such a brisk pace inside the house. 

I've commented several times that I wish we had this work performed ages ago.  Isn't it always that way?  You live with things that bother you (whether it's with your car or your house) and you fix it so it's nice for someone else.

Sunday, May 1, 2011