My Midlife Crisis - II

Have you ever felt like life is giving you the finger?  I have felt that way at times and I'm pretty sure that everyone else has as well.  I don't know if my coping skills have totally gone out the window or what, but I have felt that life is completely screwing with me lately.

I don't recall the last time I was asleep before 2:00 am without being medicated.  Even easy tasks require monumental effort and I find myself unable to perform all but the most simple jobs.  Since feeling so crushed, I don't even recognize myself anymore.  I'm having trouble remembering the last time that I haven't felt overwhelmed by life.  I know I felt differently at one point, I must have, but I don't know when that may have been.

I've been pondering something that I said a week or so ago.  I've actually been tormented by it.  I said, "I used to be somebody.  Who am I now?"  I only meant to say the last line, but the first slipped out before I could pull it back and stuff it back down to that deep, dark place I don't want to acknowledge.

Now that I've verbalized something that shouldn't have seen the light of day, I've been thinking of it nonstop.  Isn't that what's really bothering me?  I miss who I was and I don't particularly like who I am now. 

I used to be important, at least I felt I was, and now I'm what?  A mom?  A wife?  That's it?  Yes, that's really it.

Who was I?  Why do I miss who I was?  Because I was someone who could handle anything!  I took on life's curve balls and knocked those bitches right out of the park.  Like a cat, I always landed on my feet; I may have landed hard and it may have hurt, but I didn't stay down and I kept moving forward.  I knew that I was one of life's winners.  I believed that I could make anything happen by my own determination to make the magic.  I think that who I was wouldn't have much patience with who I am now.

I was listening to Joni Mitchell's haunting River and I can sure identify with the desire to skate away.  I'm sure it's just the perfect storm of my midlife crisis, the exceptionally painful losses suffered within the last twelve months, and the incredibly overwhelming pain in my ass (and to my wallet) that my condo has been since November, but I am exhausted with it all.  Just completely and totally spent.

If I weren't a responsible wife and mother, I'd be sorely tempted to shake off the dust off and move on without a glance backward.  I won't, of course, because I am who I am - a responsible wife and mother.  I'm a lot of things these days, but I'm not a quitter and I certainly wouldn't abandon my family.  Oh, but I remember having the freedom to skate away on a river so long. . .

Is This My Midlife Crisis?

I suspect that I'm at the beginning of a midlife crisis.  Yeah, I realize that my midlife crisis has come a little early as 29 is quite young to experience a midlife crisis. . .uh, you won't have the bad taste to remind me that I am, in fact, closer to 40 than 30, will you?!  If so, just eat me & STFU. 

In any event, I'm acutely aware that I'm at the midpoint of life if I die at 70 and I feel this general malaise and dissatisfaction that I can not figure out.  What is killing me is that I'm aware that my life is pretty freaking sweet for the most part and I'm struggling with what my problem may be with my life.  Seriously, I don't have much to complain about at all!

But I feel this yearning, this longing for something. . .something.  Something that I can't put my finger on.  Something feels off and I want it back on.

Yeah, it's been a rough twelve-months.  My beloved father has been within a breath of death twice.  We attended around eight funerals last year - I actually lost count.  My only brother, my beloved brother, died unexpectedly at the tender age of 41.  I finally conceived my darling precious baby after 19-months and that sweet babe died at only 10-weeks gestation.  And my body took two emotionally painful weeks before finally expelling that much-wanted baby.  Things are generally fucked up in my babyworks and I'm feeling old & barren.  The grey hair on my head totally matches my mood.  My 2 1/2-year old son acts like he hates me and I've found myself wondering why I left the salary I left to actually spend the time and effort to raise that little one. 

I used to feel like one of life's winners, but I increasingly find myself feeling like a pathetic failure.  And, dammitall, if there is one thing that I detest, it's fucking failures.  I always felt that I could make magic happen, but I feel like a fraud these days.  I don't feel like a winner.  I feel like a freaking loser.

I feel put upon, but I feel that all I want to do is put out.  I'm damn-near obsessed with banging my husband and I wonder why I'm only interested in feeling him inside of me; I need him to fill me up. . .feeling me up is cool too!  What has brought on this absolute obsession?  Do I feel hollow?  Empty?  Well, I guess I do.  And I am.  Not that either of us is complaining, understand, I just find it interesting that I need to feel him in me to feel whole these days.

I feel so generally screwed up inside that I just don't know what to think.  My shit's all fucked up and I don't know what to make of anything.  Dammit, I didn't spend over $10K on therapy in my lifetime to feel so screwed up now.  Why am I struggling so mightily?  Is this all just typical life?  If so, I freaking hate it! 

I want to find my joy again. . .I was ridiculously happy at one time.  Unbelievably happy.  Losing this baby, losing my brother, has really messed my stuff up.  Dammitall!  I hate grief!  I am so fucking sick of feeling grief!  Where is my joy?!  When will it return?!

My darling husband has accurately pointed out that things have been pretty screwed up lately.  Obviously, right?  Anyway, he thinks my hormones are still messed up from the miscarriage and he may well be right.  Oh, I wanted that baby so damn much!  That child would have helped heal so many wounds. . .but it wasn't meant to be.  And I'm aware that I may well still have hormones screwing my stuff up, but it doesn't necessarily make it easy to take.

So where am I now?  I don't know.  I'm feeling like I want to be totally irresponsible and hedonistic.  I'd like to get naked, screw a lot, drink a lot, smoke a lot of cigarettes, possibly do a bump or two of coke. 

But where am I really?  I'm a middle-aged housewife, feeling the weight of the world upon her, knowing that she has to march on and be strong & sensible for her husband and her young son.  I'll continue being a model wife and mother. . .but Paul Simon's lyrics will continue to haunt me.  From Slip Sliding Away:

"I know a woman became a wife
These are the very words she uses to describe her life
She said a good day ain't got no rain
She said a bad day's when I lie in bed and think of things that might have been"

What might have been?  Man, I don't know.  Where would I have been without my wonderful husband?  Without our sweet little boy?  I can't say anything other than I think it wouldn't have been such a sweet life.  And I really have been blessed with a fantastically sweet life.

I found out last week that we were significantly outbid on a house that we both liked.  I was bothered because it was the first house in four years that both of us have liked.  Upon reflection, I'm okay with losing out on that house.  I'm okay with living in this house for the rest of my life as long as I have my marvelous husband and our darling boy with me.  I could accept living anywhere as long as I have the very air that I breathe. . .that is, my husband and our son.  My midlife may be gearing up, but those two are my touchstones and I thank God for them each and every day.

Have you gone through a midlife crisis?  Can you share any details?  I'm hurting and feeling so damn confused these days so please share anonymously if you'd like, but do feel free to share.