I hesitate to write this post, but I can't contain it any longer. I had a dream two days ago, but not just any dream. I had a name dream. As in a name dream like the one I had toward the end of last November. Yeah.
That dream last November filled me with ridiculous hope and for good reason. I actually was already pregnant when I had the dream. In fact, I was so newly pregnant that I couldn't even take a pregnancy test yet and hope to get any results.
In the dream I had two days ago, someone handed me what looked like a blank sheet of paper. I looked at the paper and suddenly realized that a name was written on it. It was written in my own script. I was puzzled because I hadn't written the name (indeed, I don't think I've ever written that name in my life) and I looked up to ask what this was about. That's when I sat up in bed.
Sounds easy, right? I suppose so, but when I woke up, I had an entirely different name in my head. So I guess you could say that two names were given to me in this dream.
I don't think this means that twins are in my future, but I do think that I dreamed the first and middle names of the next (and likely last) child I have. I only base that on the syllables contained in the two names. I'm fond of the 3-2-1 syllable flow and that's part of the reason why I agonized over coming up with my son's name. Well, I just dreamed a 3-2-1 syllable flow that will make it plenty easy to name my next baby. So easy that it's already done!
Do I sound convinced that I'll be having another baby? I am. As with the dream last November, I believe this dream is telling me that I will fall pregnant again and that I will have another baby. So here's to enjoying the journey along the way!
Showing posts with label dream. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dream. Show all posts
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Circumstances Change Everything
The mind does strange things sometimes. Your mind can play tricks on you when you're awake, but it really comes out to mess with you when you're sleeping. I've been having weird dreams for the last few days. I really am a lightweight when it comes to taking pills and I'm sure it's related to the pain meds because I'm also doing weird things lately, but the dreams are pretty bothersome.
I keep dreaming that I'm still pregnant and that I'm going to abort this baby. My reasons vary in these dreams though they generally are: I've been newly widowed, I've been abusing alcohol & tobacco and didn't realize I was PG, Hubs & I can't afford another child, and a few times it's been a combination of all three excuses. Usually my OB will not help me terminate the pregnancy and he most often gives me an ultrasound pic of my baby sucking it's thumb before I wake up. My son still sucks his thumb to this very day. . .
I wake up with my heart racing and my eyes crusted with evidence of silent tears that must have fallen while I was sleeping. My hands fly down to my stomach and that's about the time that I remember what has really happened in this particular situation. It's a dream, just a bad dream.
You may or may not realize or understand why I was so reluctant to have a D&C, but it does have to do with abortion. I know that I didn't get an "abortion" in that this baby was already dead and that I was not voluntarily stopping this baby's life by getting a D&C. It's complicated to explain my position and I'm not going to attempt it at the moment.
I am struck that so many things are changed by simple circumstances. It's all in the circumstances, isn't it? D&C is, after all, the same damn procedure whether the pregnancy is being voluntarily terminated or if it's removing the "products of conception." Cute, the way the name changes, huh? No, I don't really think so either.
The only difference between an "abortion" and my D&C is that my baby's heart was already long silent when it was removed from my body. I suppose it's entirely natural that I'd have uncomfortable feelings about the procedure even if I have no reason to feel guilt.
After weeks of enviable warm weather (80s & 90s), it's raining right now and I can't help but feel it's entirely appropriate. The current conditions match my mood. I'm relieved that the sun just popped out from behind a cloud. . .
I keep dreaming that I'm still pregnant and that I'm going to abort this baby. My reasons vary in these dreams though they generally are: I've been newly widowed, I've been abusing alcohol & tobacco and didn't realize I was PG, Hubs & I can't afford another child, and a few times it's been a combination of all three excuses. Usually my OB will not help me terminate the pregnancy and he most often gives me an ultrasound pic of my baby sucking it's thumb before I wake up. My son still sucks his thumb to this very day. . .
I wake up with my heart racing and my eyes crusted with evidence of silent tears that must have fallen while I was sleeping. My hands fly down to my stomach and that's about the time that I remember what has really happened in this particular situation. It's a dream, just a bad dream.
You may or may not realize or understand why I was so reluctant to have a D&C, but it does have to do with abortion. I know that I didn't get an "abortion" in that this baby was already dead and that I was not voluntarily stopping this baby's life by getting a D&C. It's complicated to explain my position and I'm not going to attempt it at the moment.
I am struck that so many things are changed by simple circumstances. It's all in the circumstances, isn't it? D&C is, after all, the same damn procedure whether the pregnancy is being voluntarily terminated or if it's removing the "products of conception." Cute, the way the name changes, huh? No, I don't really think so either.
The only difference between an "abortion" and my D&C is that my baby's heart was already long silent when it was removed from my body. I suppose it's entirely natural that I'd have uncomfortable feelings about the procedure even if I have no reason to feel guilt.
After weeks of enviable warm weather (80s & 90s), it's raining right now and I can't help but feel it's entirely appropriate. The current conditions match my mood. I'm relieved that the sun just popped out from behind a cloud. . .
Saturday, December 11, 2010
An Unsettling Dream
My husband kindly took our son to a birthday party this morning and our little one took a 3-hour nap as soon as they arrived back home. That means that I also was able to take a 3-hour nap. I'd ordinarily be happy to get such a great nap, but I had an unsettling dream that I've been pondering since I woke up.
I dreamed that my best friend and I were drinking and she uncharacteristically got overserved. I offered to give her a ride and she declined. I also suggested an alternate transportation arrangement which was also declined. We were both parked in opposite directions so we turned from each other and began walking toward our vehicles. I turned to watch her leave and, as she walked away from me, I was painfully aware that it would be the last time I would see her alive. At that point, I woke up.
This dream was odd for a few reasons. My best friend died in 2006 so it's been many years since I've had the joy of seeing her. The last time I saw her wasn't after a pleasant time hanging out; it was after cancer had wasted her away and left her in a coma on life support. And, while we enjoyed cocktails plenty of times, I never once saw her even remotely drunk.
My husband analyzed this dream and he feels that it highlights the guilt I feel for not seeing more of her when she was still here. I think that's a fair assessment, but I don't know - it could just be some stupid dream. For reasons I can't understand, she didn't want visitors when she was fighting cancer the hardest. I sent cards and letters, but I didn't visit and I do regret that I respected her wishes because it isn't something a good friend would have done so I do have a lot of guilt.
I had another hCG test this morning and my levels are now at 19,678. On Sunday they were at 4,000, I was at 13,000 by Thursday and today it's at 19,678. I'm reassured that it's obviously rising, but it has slowed and isn't doubling every 48 hours. I have read that this isn't terribly uncommon at this point and plenty of pregnancies progress with slow growing HCG levels so I'm trying not to make too much over the numbers. Besides, ultrasound becomes a better diagnostic tool than hCG levels by around 6-weeks gestation. My doctor still wants to see me Tuesday and, hopefully, we'll at least see a fetal pole in my gestational sac by now. I'm also hopeful that I'll be released to enjoy normal activities. Please keep your prayers coming, we're not totally out of the woods yet.
I dreamed that my best friend and I were drinking and she uncharacteristically got overserved. I offered to give her a ride and she declined. I also suggested an alternate transportation arrangement which was also declined. We were both parked in opposite directions so we turned from each other and began walking toward our vehicles. I turned to watch her leave and, as she walked away from me, I was painfully aware that it would be the last time I would see her alive. At that point, I woke up.
This dream was odd for a few reasons. My best friend died in 2006 so it's been many years since I've had the joy of seeing her. The last time I saw her wasn't after a pleasant time hanging out; it was after cancer had wasted her away and left her in a coma on life support. And, while we enjoyed cocktails plenty of times, I never once saw her even remotely drunk.
My husband analyzed this dream and he feels that it highlights the guilt I feel for not seeing more of her when she was still here. I think that's a fair assessment, but I don't know - it could just be some stupid dream. For reasons I can't understand, she didn't want visitors when she was fighting cancer the hardest. I sent cards and letters, but I didn't visit and I do regret that I respected her wishes because it isn't something a good friend would have done so I do have a lot of guilt.
* * *
I had another hCG test this morning and my levels are now at 19,678. On Sunday they were at 4,000, I was at 13,000 by Thursday and today it's at 19,678. I'm reassured that it's obviously rising, but it has slowed and isn't doubling every 48 hours. I have read that this isn't terribly uncommon at this point and plenty of pregnancies progress with slow growing HCG levels so I'm trying not to make too much over the numbers. Besides, ultrasound becomes a better diagnostic tool than hCG levels by around 6-weeks gestation. My doctor still wants to see me Tuesday and, hopefully, we'll at least see a fetal pole in my gestational sac by now. I'm also hopeful that I'll be released to enjoy normal activities. Please keep your prayers coming, we're not totally out of the woods yet.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Dream a Little Dream
I've been having bad dreams lately. In general, they have to do with not being able to protect myself or my son. Almost all of them involve me being attacked in our home and either not being able to find one of our firearms or, inexplicably, not knowing how to use it.
I tend to wake up just as I realize that I'm unable to defend myself against this intruder. I'm willing to use deadly force so I suspect that these attacks in my dreams are likely to end in my death. I think these dreams are highlighting that I can't necessarily control everything that happens, particularly life or death.
The message is unsettling, to be sure, but it is the truth. I've been trying to conceive for 18-months with no luck yet so I obviously don't control life. The sudden loss of my only brother last month demonstrates that I sure don't control death either.
I had a very strange dream last night. It didn't quite follow the standard dream formula that I've been experiencing lately. After mulling it over for a bit, it actually left me feeling pretty good.
I dreamt that I was walking with my son in the jogging stroller and that a man asked me for money. I said I did not have any and he attacked me, trying to get to my handbag. I was able to run away, but he somehow tripped me up and I landed face down on the sidewalk. The stroller began to turn and I thought it might roll away. I knew if this happened that my son would end up in traffic and I saw red. I grabbed the tire pump (which is located in the basket below) and I clocked the perp. Then I launched myself at him and we fell next to a brick planter. I began to choke him and beat his head against the bricks. He fought to escape and I grabbed his wallet as he ran away. I grabbed my son and started calling the police with my attacker's drivers license information. Suddenly I noticed that he was returning with a gun. Holding my son against my chest, I ran. I ended up shot three times; my rear, my shoulder, and the top part of my ear. Fast forward to this Thursday (funny how dreams do that, huh?) and I asked a friend to take my son to a Trick or Treat event since I was unable to attend. She asked why and I explained that I had been shot on Tuesday. I added that "God was looking out for me." She asked how I figured, after all, I had been shot three times and could have been killed. I explained that I'm still here and I'm going to be okay.
You don't have to look real deep to see what I think this dream means. Yes, I've been wounded. I've been wounded on many fronts in this last year. I'm hurting emotionally and mentally. Sometimes physically and sometimes spiritually. But these wounds, though they may hurt and oh how they do hurt, they aren't lethal. I'm still here and I'm going to be okay because God is looking out for me.
Sitting here with that realization, all I can say is: Hallelujah!
I tend to wake up just as I realize that I'm unable to defend myself against this intruder. I'm willing to use deadly force so I suspect that these attacks in my dreams are likely to end in my death. I think these dreams are highlighting that I can't necessarily control everything that happens, particularly life or death.
The message is unsettling, to be sure, but it is the truth. I've been trying to conceive for 18-months with no luck yet so I obviously don't control life. The sudden loss of my only brother last month demonstrates that I sure don't control death either.
* * *
I had a very strange dream last night. It didn't quite follow the standard dream formula that I've been experiencing lately. After mulling it over for a bit, it actually left me feeling pretty good.
I dreamt that I was walking with my son in the jogging stroller and that a man asked me for money. I said I did not have any and he attacked me, trying to get to my handbag. I was able to run away, but he somehow tripped me up and I landed face down on the sidewalk. The stroller began to turn and I thought it might roll away. I knew if this happened that my son would end up in traffic and I saw red. I grabbed the tire pump (which is located in the basket below) and I clocked the perp. Then I launched myself at him and we fell next to a brick planter. I began to choke him and beat his head against the bricks. He fought to escape and I grabbed his wallet as he ran away. I grabbed my son and started calling the police with my attacker's drivers license information. Suddenly I noticed that he was returning with a gun. Holding my son against my chest, I ran. I ended up shot three times; my rear, my shoulder, and the top part of my ear. Fast forward to this Thursday (funny how dreams do that, huh?) and I asked a friend to take my son to a Trick or Treat event since I was unable to attend. She asked why and I explained that I had been shot on Tuesday. I added that "God was looking out for me." She asked how I figured, after all, I had been shot three times and could have been killed. I explained that I'm still here and I'm going to be okay.
You don't have to look real deep to see what I think this dream means. Yes, I've been wounded. I've been wounded on many fronts in this last year. I'm hurting emotionally and mentally. Sometimes physically and sometimes spiritually. But these wounds, though they may hurt and oh how they do hurt, they aren't lethal. I'm still here and I'm going to be okay because God is looking out for me.
Sitting here with that realization, all I can say is: Hallelujah!
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