Sunday, January 30, 2011

Circumstances Change Everything

The mind does strange things sometimes.  Your mind can play tricks on you when you're awake, but it really comes out to mess with you when you're sleeping.  I've been having weird dreams for the last few days.  I really am a lightweight when it comes to taking pills and I'm sure it's related to the pain meds because I'm also doing weird things lately, but the dreams are pretty bothersome.

I keep dreaming that I'm still pregnant and that I'm going to abort this baby.  My reasons vary in these dreams though they generally are:  I've been newly widowed, I've been abusing alcohol & tobacco and didn't realize I was PG, Hubs & I can't afford another child, and a few times it's been a combination of all three excuses.  Usually my OB will not help me terminate the pregnancy and he most often gives me an ultrasound pic of my baby sucking it's thumb before I wake up.  My son still sucks his thumb to this very day. . .

I wake up with my heart racing and my eyes crusted with evidence of silent tears that must have fallen while I was sleeping.  My hands fly down to my stomach and that's about the time that I remember what has really happened in this particular situation.  It's a dream, just a bad dream.

You may or may not realize or understand why I was so reluctant to have a D&C, but it does have to do with abortion.  I know that I didn't get an "abortion" in that this baby was already dead and that I was not voluntarily stopping this baby's life by getting a D&C.  It's complicated to explain my position and I'm not going to attempt it at the moment.

I am struck that so many things are changed by simple circumstances.  It's all in the circumstances, isn't it?  D&C is, after all, the same damn procedure whether the pregnancy is being voluntarily terminated or if it's removing the "products of conception."  Cute, the way the name changes, huh?  No, I don't really think so either. 

The only difference between an "abortion" and my D&C is that my baby's heart was already long silent when it was removed from my body.  I suppose it's entirely natural that I'd have uncomfortable feelings about the procedure even if I have no reason to feel guilt.

After weeks of enviable warm weather (80s & 90s), it's raining right now and I can't help but feel it's entirely appropriate.  The current conditions match my mood.  I'm relieved that the sun just popped out from behind a cloud. . .

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