Another Trip on the Emotional Roller Coaster

The last couple of weeks have been quite the emotional and physical roller coaster.  I haven't come right out and written what it is that I'm so happy about, but I trust that the readers can accurately guess.  Several friends who read this blog contacted me for confirmation a week or so ago so I guess it's pretty obvious.  I wrote about joy & fear the day after I found out and I've been trying to reign in both emotions.  Well, the fear is here now in full force.

I've been excessively concerned about a certain something that I've been experiencing and my doctor suggested that we should investigate a little further to see what's going on so he ordered a couple of tests for me.  I had some lab work done this morning and the results are interesting.  I hesitate to say they look great, but they certainly don't look bad at this point.  Indeed, the numbers look better now than they have looked for me previously.  Unfortunately, these results don't offer a complete picture and I'll return for more labs on Friday or Saturday.  I know from painful experience that the worst can still happen even if those second labs come back looking fantastic.

I heard the CSN song "Helplessly Hoping" while I was driving to the medical office this morning and the title sums up how I'm feeling at the moment.  I'm praying that my great fear will not come to pass and that my greatest hope will.  All I can do is hope and pray for the desired outcome sometime around the end of this year.

Prayers for a Friend's Baby

Thanks to Facebook, I've learned that a friend's little one has been in the hospital since yesterday.  We've been friends since the 9th grade and he has a lovely wife and two wonderful boys.  His youngest son is under one and he has to spend another night in CHOC.  The poor little guy has RSV and he's really having a hard time.

I can't imagine how frightened my friend and his wife must feel.  Oh, how my heart hurts for the entire family!  I'm asking you to please join me in praying for this little one's health to be restored quickly and for his parents to feel God's peaceful presence during this stressful time.  I know that God does hear our prayers and I hope to have a good update to report tomorrow. 

Give thanks and rejoice if your children are in good health and sleeping under your own roof tonight.

Losing Hope in a Miracle

I began to mentally outline a blog post this afternoon, but I started feeling lousy a few hours ago and that post isn't going to happen tonight. 

I began to feel ill early this evening and experienced slight bleeding, staining is probably a better term, and I was sure that my body was going to release my poor baby tonight.  I was overcome with weakness afterward and I had to lie down for a rest as my legs were trembling just from the effort to stand up.  It felt like the muscle exhaustion that accompanies the flu, but I think it was nerves because I'm absolutely terrified to see the remains of my baby.  But the bleeding unexpectedly stopped as quickly as it showed up.

I currently have a nagging ache in my lower back and my stomach is cramping up periodically.  I'm feeling a constant pressure from the base of my ribs to the bottom of my pelvis.  It almost feels like I'm wearing a too-tight girdle.  I ate too much at lunch so it could just be gas.  Or maybe the meals I consumed today just aren't digesting very effectively.  Or it could be a symptom that this miscarriage is going to be complete soon.

I began to lose pregnancy symptoms a couple of days ago.  It's wonderful and horrible that I no longer suffer crippling nausea every morning and painfully tender breasts are no longer making it difficult to give or accept hugs.  I suppose the lack of any obvious outward symptoms will force me to come to grips with the fact that the ultrasounds weren't wrong and that, though my baby is still inside of me, this pregnancy has ended.

I can't help but continue to pray for this baby, for this pregnancy to somehow continue and yield a perfectly healthy baby in 29 more weeks.  My faith has been praised, but I'm losing hope in a miracle.  I guess my faith isn't so great after all.

It's been more than a week since my baby died and I have to believe that my body will let go of my baby one day soon.  How I dread that day.

How Much is Too Much?

The act of tithing recently came up in passing with a family member.  They expressed surprise at the percentage of my income that I tithed when I worked for wages.  No, not just surprise.  Their mouth actually hung agape for a moment at my revelation.  Feeling somewhat uncomfortable, I shut my trap on the topic and changed the subject.  And it wasn't even an outrageously high percentage!

Tithing, for those of you not in the know, is cheerful giving to God.  It most likely is given to a church that the believer attends, but I have also heard of others who give tithes to charities they support.  A Christian doesn't necessarily tithe and a giver isn't necessarily a Christian.

The percentage of income historically tossed out as an appropriate tithe is only 10%.  In my research for this post, I've seen it suggested that most Christians only tithe 3% of their income. 

My theory on tithing has always been this:  Everything I have is a gift from God.  I might have worked hard and hustled my buns, but He ultimately can take it all away in the blink of an eye.  Additionally, I might be frugal in a lot of ways, but I can never be cheap with the One who has given me the gift of eternal life, the One who has blessed me with all that I have been given.

Here are some common questions I've heard (and asked in my pre-Christian days) about tithing:
~ Does tithing buy your way to Heaven?  ABSOLUTELY NOT!  Only faith in Jesus as the only payment for our sins is required to join the Heavenly Host. 
~ Does tithing make one Christian better than another?  Absolutely not!  Frankly, a Christian should not make a big deal about whatever amount they happen to tithe because tithing is between the giver and God.
~ Does your church rely on your tithing to operate?  Absolutely YES!
~ My "god" doesn't need cash, why does yours?  and  Is tithing an obligation?  Tithing isn't required for salvation, but a churched Christian will recognize that their church does not operate by prayer alone and most would want to give in order to support their pastors, building operations, any missions offerings, and other outreach programs.
~ Don't preachers just fleece their flock and rip off the tithes?  If you even remotely suspect your church leaders of financial impropriety, you really must find a new church.  It has been my experience that most men of God lead fiscally responsible lives since they have to rely upon the donations of the church membership for their salary.
~ I don't like some of the things my church supports so why should I give a tithe?  I might suggest that you either find a church that you 100% agree with philosophically or you simply accept that you will never find 100% agreement with any organization.
~ Do church visitors have to pay?  No, though they may donate whatever they'd like.  Supporting the church is the sole responsibility of the church membership.

Prior to my son's birth, I was on the financial committee for my church and I can attest that some very good Bible-teaching churches operate on a shoestring budget.  The widow's mite doesn't just bless the widow, it blesses her church.  That's not to say that the church expects to have all that you can offer, it's to say that offering all that you can will bless you and your church.  Here's to being cheerful givers!

Dream a Little Dream

I've been having bad dreams lately.  In general, they have to do with not being able to protect myself or my son.  Almost all of them involve me being attacked in our home and either not being able to find one of our firearms or, inexplicably, not knowing how to use it.

I tend to wake up just as I realize that I'm unable to defend myself against this intruder.  I'm willing to use deadly force so I suspect that these attacks in my dreams are likely to end in my death.  I think these dreams are highlighting that I can't necessarily control everything that happens, particularly life or death. 

The message is unsettling, to be sure, but it is the truth.  I've been trying to conceive for 18-months with no luck yet so I obviously don't control life.  The sudden loss of my only brother last month demonstrates that I sure don't control death either.

* * *

I had a very strange dream last night.  It didn't quite follow the standard dream formula that I've been experiencing lately.  After mulling it over for a bit, it actually left me feeling pretty good.

I dreamt that I was walking with my son in the jogging stroller and that a man asked me for money.  I said I did not have any and he attacked me, trying to get to my handbag.  I was able to run away, but he somehow tripped me up and I landed face down on the sidewalk.  The stroller began to turn and I thought it might roll away.  I knew if this happened that my son would end up in traffic and I saw red.  I grabbed the tire pump (which is located in the basket below) and I clocked the perp.  Then I launched myself at him and we fell next to a brick planter.  I began to choke him and beat his head against the bricks.  He fought to escape and I grabbed his wallet as he ran away.  I grabbed my son and started calling the police with my attacker's drivers license information.  Suddenly I noticed that he was returning with a gun.  Holding my son against my chest, I ran.  I ended up shot three times; my rear, my shoulder, and the top part of my ear.  Fast forward to this Thursday (funny how dreams do that, huh?) and I asked a friend to take my son to a Trick or Treat event since I was unable to attend.  She asked why and I explained that I had been shot on Tuesday.  I added that "God was looking out for me."  She asked how I figured, after all, I had been shot three times and could have been killed.  I explained that I'm still here and I'm going to be okay.

You don't have to look real deep to see what I think this dream means.  Yes, I've been wounded.  I've been wounded on many fronts in this last year.  I'm hurting emotionally and mentally.  Sometimes physically and sometimes spiritually.  But these wounds, though they may hurt and oh how they do hurt, they aren't lethal.  I'm still here and I'm going to be okay because God is looking out for me.

Sitting here with that realization, all I can say is:  Hallelujah!

Express Your Love

As most of you know, my cat died this week.  My cat was 15 1/2-years old and she was simply delightful.  I found her shortly after I left home.  She was a weak alley-cat kitten who was kicked out of her mother's nest - or whatever they call it.  When I first caught her, her eyes were horribly infected and she could barely see.  A trip to the vet took care of the infection.  She suffered a dog attack when I was at work because I didn't have the sense to make her solely an indoor animal.  That surgery, to reattach her arm to her body, cost more money than my first car!  I was only making $6.00 per hour, so it was a huge sacrifice to keep this sickly little darling.  But I had adopted her and so I cared for her.  In return, she was a faithful friend and companion.  She fit in the palm of my hand and, though she cost me a fortune in vet bills during her first year, I was wildly in love with my first pet.

It's always a bad time to say goodbye, but the timing here seems particularly cruel.  My brother has been gone for just over a month, my husband's grandmother has been gone for less than two weeks, and now my first pet has died.  I can deal with it I guess, but my poor parents have had custody of that little puddin' cat for over ten years.  My first husband was majorly allergic and I left her in the care of my folks.  So in the span of six weeks, my parents have suffered the loss of their only son and their only pet.  Damn it all!  Life can be so hard, so freaking cruel, sometimes.

I had a bad dream last night.  It was very vivid and it was about a loss that would be completely devastating to my family.  Unfortunately, I can totally see it happening.  But I hope and I pray that it does not.  I can't bring myself to write exactly what it was about, but I just want to say that you should tell your loved ones that you love them whenever you get the chance.  You don't know when you might never have the chance to do so again.

I know that it seems like my family has been under constant attack since the year began.  I feel it and I know that it's been happening.  Rather than serve to push me away from God, it has drawn me closer to Him.  I am leaning more heavily on God now than I have in years.  I know that He is the only reason that I can still stand on my feet.  He was here before time began and He will be here for all eternity.  I'm asking Him to carry me through yet another day. . .

Thanksgiving

I was struck by how blessed I am while I was lying down with my son yesterday.  My eyes filled with tears as a gazed at his sweet sleeping face.  How could I have ever earned such a wonderful gift, I thought.  Of course, my question actually answered my question:  He is a gift.

This year has been pretty terrible in many respects and last month was the worst of all.  I'm not going to tick down the list of calamities that have struck my family in 2010 because it tends to just make me wallow in pity and that's not where I want to go.  I think it's awesome that even with all the turmoil, and there has been a lot, I'm still able to give thanks.

I'm thankful for my marriage; I'd never have made it through this year if my marriage wasn't solid.  I'm thankful for my husband; he is my rock and my strongest supporter.  I'm thankful for my son; my darling boy has been the only reason I get up some days.  I'm thankful for my health; I am able to experience the joy of movement.  I'm thankful for my friends; they are the kindest and most loving group of women on the planet.  I'm thankful for my faith; my trust in God has been the only thing keeping me standing many times this year.

Regardless of how much I've suffered this year, I still have so many blessings.  No matter what, my Thanksgiving turkey pinecone will still have plenty of feathers to read this year. . .and I hope that yours will too!