Saturday, December 11, 2010

An Unsettling Dream

My husband kindly took our son to a birthday party this morning and our little one took a 3-hour nap as soon as they arrived back home.  That means that I also was able to take a 3-hour nap.  I'd ordinarily be happy to get such a great nap, but I had an unsettling dream that I've been pondering since I woke up.

I dreamed that my best friend and I were drinking and she uncharacteristically got overserved.  I offered to give her a ride and she declined.  I also suggested an alternate transportation arrangement which was also declined.  We were both parked in opposite directions so we turned from each other and began walking toward our vehicles.  I turned to watch her leave and, as she walked away from me, I was painfully aware that it would be the last time I would see her alive.  At that point, I woke up.

This dream was odd for a few reasons.  My best friend died in 2006 so it's been many years since I've had the joy of seeing her.  The last time I saw her wasn't after a pleasant time hanging out; it was after cancer had wasted her away and left her in a coma on life support.  And, while we enjoyed cocktails plenty of times, I never once saw her even remotely drunk. 

My husband analyzed this dream and he feels that it highlights the guilt I feel for not seeing more of her when she was still here.  I think that's a fair assessment, but I don't know - it could just be some stupid dream.  For reasons I can't understand, she didn't want visitors when she was fighting cancer the hardest.  I sent cards and letters, but I didn't visit and I do regret that I respected her wishes because it isn't something a good friend would have done so I do have a lot of guilt.

* * *

I had another hCG test this morning and my levels are now at 19,678.  On Sunday they were at 4,000, I was at 13,000 by Thursday and today it's at 19,678.  I'm reassured that it's obviously rising, but it has slowed and isn't doubling every 48 hours.  I have read that this isn't terribly uncommon at this point and plenty of pregnancies progress with slow growing HCG levels so I'm trying not to make too much over the numbers.  Besides, ultrasound becomes a better diagnostic tool than hCG levels by around 6-weeks gestation.  My doctor still wants to see me Tuesday and, hopefully, we'll at least see a fetal pole in my gestational sac by now.  I'm also hopeful that I'll be released to enjoy normal activities.  Please keep your prayers coming, we're not totally out of the woods yet.

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