My husband and I were talking about my blog yesterday and I think that it's read by so many (even if not officially "liked" or "followed") because I don't shy away from talking about topics that people may want to know about though they are too embarrassed to ask questions about. That said, I feel very awkward writing this blog post and that's strange since I've detailed some terrifically disgusting things in this blog. Dearest readers. . .brace yourselves. . .I'm getting scatological tonight.
My strange confession is that I didn't poop for days on end since having the Mirena IUD inserted early this week. Five days, to be exact. It's not that I couldn't, but more that I wouldn't.
I'm not usually a poop-machine or anything, but I can usually count on my colon to deliver the goods every other day or so. More than four days without dropping a deuce is pretty unusual for me. I finally realized early today that I'm going to have to poop at some point. And that terrified me.
Why was I so spazzy about relaxing my sphincter? Well, I guess because I was afraid that the IUD would somehow fall out and then I'd have gone through all the pain of insertion for absolutely nothing. Worse is that I figured that I wouldn't even know that it fell out since I'm not accustomed to sifting through my crap for tiny contraceptives.
I know some of you smartasses are thinking, "Where in the world did her doctor put her IUD???" Relax, wiseguys, it's firmly ensconced in my uterus. But I still feel that I had valid fears that were logical so hear me out.
I was concerned because a little pushing is sometimes necessary to get the poop out. Pushing is also required to get a baby out. Babies are in the uterus, an IUD is in the uterus. I gather that pushing a baby out is kinda like the similar to pushing out poop. If a turd were like ten times bigger. Except the whole thing about one being a human being coming out of your vagina and the other being biological waste coming out of your butthole, it made perfect sense to me that I should be concerned.
I probably wouldn't have pooped today, but my body said, "Enough of this crap!" Have you ever pooped while kinda-sorta trying to hold it back in? Yeah, I have now and I can assure you that it doesn't work. There's just no stopping a freight train. . .certainly no stopping a freight train of poop!
Did I poop out my IUD? I don't think so. . .considering the pain that I felt while inserting it (I knew I never should have done those Cervix of Steel workout videos!), I'm fairly certain that I'd have felt immediate pain if something was poking around my os. That's a fancy name for the opening of the cervix. And here I'll bet you thought you couldn't possibly learn anything in this post!
Remember kids, everybody poops. Not everybody worries needlessly about pooping out their IUD. That's my special neurosis.