Sunday, January 16, 2011

Losing Hope in a Miracle

I began to mentally outline a blog post this afternoon, but I started feeling lousy a few hours ago and that post isn't going to happen tonight. 

I began to feel ill early this evening and experienced slight bleeding, staining is probably a better term, and I was sure that my body was going to release my poor baby tonight.  I was overcome with weakness afterward and I had to lie down for a rest as my legs were trembling just from the effort to stand up.  It felt like the muscle exhaustion that accompanies the flu, but I think it was nerves because I'm absolutely terrified to see the remains of my baby.  But the bleeding unexpectedly stopped as quickly as it showed up.

I currently have a nagging ache in my lower back and my stomach is cramping up periodically.  I'm feeling a constant pressure from the base of my ribs to the bottom of my pelvis.  It almost feels like I'm wearing a too-tight girdle.  I ate too much at lunch so it could just be gas.  Or maybe the meals I consumed today just aren't digesting very effectively.  Or it could be a symptom that this miscarriage is going to be complete soon.

I began to lose pregnancy symptoms a couple of days ago.  It's wonderful and horrible that I no longer suffer crippling nausea every morning and painfully tender breasts are no longer making it difficult to give or accept hugs.  I suppose the lack of any obvious outward symptoms will force me to come to grips with the fact that the ultrasounds weren't wrong and that, though my baby is still inside of me, this pregnancy has ended.

I can't help but continue to pray for this baby, for this pregnancy to somehow continue and yield a perfectly healthy baby in 29 more weeks.  My faith has been praised, but I'm losing hope in a miracle.  I guess my faith isn't so great after all.

It's been more than a week since my baby died and I have to believe that my body will let go of my baby one day soon.  How I dread that day.

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