More Fun From My Son

I'm endlessly amused by the things by son says. . .except when I'm infinitely irritated by the same!

- We were at dinner with some friends and one friend is named Sally.  My son kept mumbling a song under his breath while eating and I ignored it.  I finally heard what he was singing when I took him to the bathroom.  "Lay down Sally, lay down Sally."  Relax, prudes, he wasn't trying to make time with her - he's just a Clapton fan like his Mama.

- Del Taco has a deal where you can buy 6 tacos and 6 burritos for a price break.   The tacos and burritos come in a special cardboard box.  My son is now obsessed with said box and my pervy mind gets plenty of lulz every time he says, "I love taco box." 

- My husband was explaining to our son that misbehaving in restaurants makes us unhappy and that the little guy would have to behave if he wanted to dine out at a restaurant.  Hubs roared with laughter when the boy replied, "That can be arranged."

- He knows that our family is getting a baby after Christmas, but that the baby is in Mama's tummy until then.  He lifted my shirt the other day and kept looking at my belly button which is an innie.  He finally asked, "Is the baby in there?"

- The song "Summer Breeze" by Seals & Crofts was on the radio one day and he said, "This is your song, Mama?"  I told him that I like the song and he patiently listened to my explanation of which song his Daddy and I had picked for our special song.  He said, "This is my song," when Van Morrison's "Tupelo Honey" came on.

- We were listening to "Hard Headed Woman" one day and he asked, "Who's this?"  I replied that it was Cat Stevens.  He cracked up and was laughing so hard that he couldn't even say his name.  I just know he had a vision of a cat singing and playing guitar.

- Thanks to a cartoon that he likes to watch, my son recently learned about the concept of forgiveness.  He got a boo boo from something that I did the other day (I can't even remember what it was) and he said, "I don't forgive you."  Understandably upset, I tried to explain that forgiveness and love go hand in hand.  He was having none of it and I gave up because it's not like I did anything to need his forgiveness anyway.  Today he asked me, "Mama, do you forgive me?"  I said he'd done nothing that requires forgiveness, but that I would always freely forgive him because he's my son and I love him.  His reply melted my heart and reminded me yet again why I am so thankful to be his mother, "I forgive you too.  Oh, I love you Mama.  I love you Mommy."

Makin' Whoopie!

Relax, Prudence, this isn't a post about a certain game show host's favorite euphemism for doing it. 

While hunting for party supplies and goodie bag filler, I came across a Whoopie Cushion.  Thinking of all the fun times I've had with Whoopie Cushions, I immediately started cackling and grabbed one for my son.  The cashier smirked at me when she rang up my purchase.

I explained, "It's for my son." 

"Uh-huh."  She already wasn't buying my line and raised a skeptical eyebrow in my direction when she started scanning the crayons, stickers, and number 3 candle.

"No, really, it's for my little boy." 

She forced an uncomfortable smile and said, "Right."

Okay, okay, so I think toots are hilarious and Whoopie Cushions are one of the most fun inventions ever.  So sue me!  Eh, whatever.  I paid and hustled home because I had some serious pranks to pull.

I got home and excitedly shared my purchase with my husband.  I told him that I thought it would be epic to hide it and get our son to sit on it.  The lil' guy was righteously nicknamed King Toot when he was only a couple of weeks old and he seriously delights in making his toots.

I readied the Whoopie Cushion and hid it under a blanket on one of the two chairs that are currently in my living room.  As a side note, I really freaking hate selling & buying real estate and I'm totally over this whole moving thing.  Anyway, the trap was set and I just needed to get the kiddo to sit on the chair.

I asked him to come to the living room and to take a seat.  He sat on my ottoman.  I kept my cool and requested that he sit on the big chair.  He climbed up and plopped down and

TOOOOOOOOT!

The look on his face was priceless!  His jaw dropped and his eyes were wide as he looked around at us.  I was laughing so hard that I nearly peed myself as I wrestled the Whoopie Cushion out from under him.  He realized that it was a joke and he started laughing too.

Now he is obsessed with blowing up the Whoopie Cushion and stomping on it while yelling, "Toot!"  Every so often he adds, "Oh, excuse me," after stepping on it.  I think it's the best impulse purchase that I've ever made. 

I'm either a shoo-in for Mother of the Year or I'm officially out of the running!

More Fun From My Son

My son was tugging at the front of his pants and I inquired, "Does your wiener hurt?"  His classic response?  "No, mine wiener's fine."

* * *

My son woke up from his nap today and asserted that he was three.  I agreed that he was.  Then he said, "Mama's FIVE!"  I replied that I was quite a bit older than that.  His response to a woman who is impossibly vain about her age?  "You're FORTY-FIVE!"  Gee, thanks kid!

* * *

My son had what I'm pretty sure were his very first hot dogs this weekend and he loved them.  I served Big Salad for dinner this evening and included kidney beans in the meal.  My son apparently thought the beans looked like cut up hot dogs and he declared that he loved hot dogs.  I let him know that those were kidney beans he was eating and he christened them, "Hot dog beans!"

* * *

My son asked for "more cookies" and that's not all that unusual because he loves to beg for cookies.  What made me crack up was the way he said it.  The best way I can describe it is that it sounded a bit like Pee-Wee Herman.  My husband and I really lost it when I got the lil' guy to say, "I am not an animal."

* * *

My son stripped out of his clothes right before bathtime and delighted in dancing around the house while saying, "I'm stinky."  Not for long, you little stinker!

Favorite Funny Websites

Another loooong day means that I can barely keep my eyes open.  I'm trying really hard to stay awake so that I can watch the season premiere of South Park, but I'm pretty sure that I'll be snoozing long before the opening song begins.  Since I'm thinking things that I find funny, I thought I'd quickly share my favorite funny websites. 

One site that I check every day is fark.com and it is HILARIOUS.  It's a news aggregator and the "headlines" are submitted by the readers. . .also known as "farkers."  The headlines are great, but the comment section is often chock-full of comedy gold.  I can always count on Fark to crack me up.

Speaking of cracking up. . .cracked.com is another one of my favorites.  I frequently check this site and often share the fun articles with my hubs or on my FB wall.  Their articles somewhat irritate me because I hate having to click to read the second page, but I almost always get a chuckle when I visit this site.

My latest favorite funny site is awkwardfamilyphotos.com and some of those pictures leave me with tears streaming down my cheeks.  I truly hope that I never find one of my family's photos on that site.  Of course, the chances are slim because we don't pose in front of phallic rocks, wear peculiar garb, or otherwise do goofy things in photos.  What isn't captured on film is an entirely different matter. 

Nazi Farm & Other Fun Stuff

~ What would you think if your toddler told you that they had a good time at a Nazi Farm??  Yeah, me too.  My son spent the day with his maternal grandmother yesterday since hubs had to be at the hospital at 5:00 am to begin prepping for his surgery.  Though my lil' guy cried because Daddy wasn't coming home last night, he was so happy to see me and he chatted excitedly about the day spent playing with his grandmother and her little dog.  Then he said something that mystified me.  He told me, "Had good time (at) Nazi Farm."  I shook my head, certain that I had misheard what he had said and I asked him to repeat it for me.  He repeated, "Good time (at) Nazi Farm."  At first I was thinking, "WTF did you guys do today?!"  Instead of flipping out, I asked what he had done at the Nazi Farm and he replied that he rode in a blue car, a truck, a train, a balloon, and a roller coaster.  He forcefully added that he WILL NOT ride the school bus.  Nazi Farm. . .that's apparently how he pronounces Knott's Berry Farm!

~ My son was distressed that Daddy wasn't going to come home last night and I asked if he wanted to give something special to Daddy.  I meant like a fun snack or maybe one of the lesser members of the lil' guy's stuffed animal entourage.  He did want to give hubs some "pretzel snacks," but he also wanted to give his Daddy an "appie."  My son has had at least one burpie near him at all times (he calls them appies) since he was brought home from the hospital and he turned out to be such a little puker.  His appies are as essential to his well-being as water and air are to you and me.  My heart was warmed that he wanted to share one of his beloved appies with his Daddy and I believe that hubs was equally touched by his son's heartfelt gift.

~ I usually play music from youtube when my son takes his bath at night and he definitely favors the music that his mama likes:  folk music, 70s singer-songwriters, and anything with beautiful harmonies.  My laptop was unfortunately killed when it crashed from the counter to the ceramic tile floor so I had nothing to play for him last night.  He kept begging for "songs" so I, uh, treated him to some a Capella selections.  I hesitate to say that I treated him and, if you've ever heard me sing, you'd agree!  I finished singing and he asked for "more songs."  When I asked him what he'd like to hear, he replied (clear as can be), "Our House."  Ha!  What great taste; that's my boy!  I'll also add that he knows the entire chorus and he laughs maniacally at "two cats in the yard. . ."

~ Mother of the Year forgot to send shoes with her son yesterday (because he was in jammies when we dropped him off at 4:00 am) so he was forced to spend the day running around like a barefoot hillbilly in his grandparent's backyard.  Naturally, his feet were filthy come bathtime last night.  He was splashing and having a good ol' time in the tub when he noticed his cruddy-looking feet.  He pulled his feet up by his face and then exclaimed, "Oh, poor feet!"  I guess he didn't realize that we were going to wash them before he exited the tub - haha!

~ My husband apparently spends far too much time at work because, upon learning that Daddy wouldn't be home last night, my son replied, "Daddy's (at) work."  Well, kid, he's there a lot, but he isn't sleeping there. . .yet!

Abuse Isn't Funny, But This Made Me Laugh

Yesterday was my Dad's birthday and we picked up take-out from his favorite Mexican restaurant.  I ordinarily would not get take-out from a regular restaurant, but it's a favorite so I took the chance.  I should have known better.

My father does not eat cheese and I let the restaurant know three times that cheese can't be on his food.  There wasn't any cheese on his enchilada or beans, but there was cheese all over his taco.  Of course there was.

While we were waiting for our meals to be up, I grabbed my husband's hand.  I was planning on kissing it so I quickly dipped my head down.  Unfortunately, he raised his hand up at the same time.  The resulting contact left me with a bloodied mouth.

I sometimes have an odd sense of humor, so bear with me if this doesn't tickle your funny bone.

I ran to the restroom and cleaned up my mouth as well as I could.  By the time I finished, our meals were ready and my husband was paying for dinner.  He felt bad and apologized while we were in the car. 

I started laughing and said, "What's this?  My father is sick and my only brother is dead so you think this means you can get away with popping me in the mouth?"

He laughed too, "Aw, Honey, you know it was an accident."

"Does hitting a woman in the mouth make you feel like a big man?" 

We both cracked up like a couple of mental patients.  Yeah, yeah, abuse isn't funny, but this struck me as hilarious.  I think my parents thought we were weirdos for chuckling about it long after we arrived back at their house.

Naturally, the spiciness of the salsa and and saltiness of the food stung like heck and my lip still hurts today.  However, it was a really nice night with my folks and I think they enjoyed having our company.

Laughter is Good Medicine

I'm amazed at the body's ability to create tears.  Based on all the sobbing I've been doing since my brother's passing, I would have thought that I'd be all cried out a long time ago.  However, tears still somehow come to my eyes when the sadness returns.

I was crying in the shower late yesterday afternoon.  I believe that my brother was a Christian and, based on that belief, I am certain that he's in Heaven.  Trying to banish the tears for a few hours, I let my mind run with the notion that people in Heaven look down upon those who are left in this imperfect world. 

I was in the middle of washing my hair when I thought, "He's probably looking down on me right now."  I paused, hands up in my hair, and thought, "But I'm naked in the shower right now!  Hey, quit looking down on me right now, you big weirdo!"  And, just like that, my tears stopped and laughter erupted.  The absurdity of it all just cracked me up.

I have to say, it felt fantastic to enjoy a great big laugh.

* * *

My brother's wife told me that he liked reading my blog and hearing about my little boy.  So here's a quick story that he probably would have liked.  I'll bet he'd have said, "I love me some nephew."

I was making breakfast this morning and my son wouldn't move from standing in front of the fridge.  I asked him to step aside so I could close the door and make breakfast.  He kept pointing in the fridge and grunting while I kept trying to get him to move out of the way.  Finally, he starting crying, "TOAST!"

I was puzzled because I didn't even see a loaf of bread in there.  Then I noticed that there was a box of Texas Toast and, yes, the boy was pointing at the box.  I never buy Texas Toast, so I figured that my husband must have bought it while I was gone.

I asked, "Do you want Texas Toast?"

"YES!  TOAST!  TOOOOAAASSSTT!"

Okay, so I turned on the oven and tossed some slices on a pizza stone.  He kept dancing around the kitchen while chanting "Toast, toast, toast."  After the longest five minutes in history, the toast was finally finished. 

I cut his slice of toast into bite-sized pieces.  Still singing about toast, he ran to his spot at the dining room table and climbed up on his own.  He clapped his hands together to say the blessing before I even got our plates to the table.

Holy moly, that kid LOVES Texas Toast.  Like Sherman through Atlanta, he tore through the toast and just destroyed it.  There was nary a crumb by the time he was finished.

I called my husband and asked if he gave Toot Texas Toast every single day while I was gone since the boy seemed so obsessed with it.  My husband had no idea what I was talking about.  He said that the box of Texas Toast arrived before I got home and he never made it for the kiddo.

How did my son know that he'd like Texas Toast?  How did he know what was in the box?  And why in the world would my son think that toast comes in a box?  Could he have possibly read "toast?" 

Just another one of life's mysteries, I guess.

Kids Say the Darndest Things - So Do Moms

Kids say pretty funny and outrageous things. So do their mothers.

We're all familiar with the segment of the Art Linkletter program in which he'd talk with young children and they'd inevitably say something silly or respond in a hilarious way. The success of this segment even became an entire show many years later.

I've said my share of crazy things since welcoming my son home. I don't do funny, I'm not that clever, but I crack up when I think of these things that I've said in the last two months. I hope you get a chuckle or two.

"My son is already a Boob Man."
Remarked to another mom after my son walked up and honked my breast.

"Stop pulling your weiner!"
My son was yanking his weiner during a diaper change. I swear he stretched it up to his belly button and I was sure he would break it or something.

"Honey, your head is not metal. Hitting your head won't make the same sound. Please stop hitting your head. That's enough, give Mommy the comb."
He had just discovered that hitting metal with a comb made a nice ringing sound. Naturally, he started hitting his head with the comb.

"Please stop trying to eat the coaster."
My son is still a chewer and he likes to taste everything that he can get his hands on. Substitute coaster for magnets, hair brush, toothpaste tube, remote control, or any number of random household objects and it probably makes up half of the things I say each day.

"Stop scratching your butt cheeks, you'll hurt your butt. No, no, don't try to touch your butthole."
For some reason, my son kept trying to scratch his butt cheeks for a week or so. He'd scratch at his butt during diaper changes and while in the bath. He actually ended up with scratch marks on his cheeks. One day he just left his butt alone and he hasn't scratched at it since.

"Please don't try to brush your hair with a fork. Forks are for eating food."
I guess I should be happy that my son was trying to brush his hair, but the fork actually had food on it at the time.

"Keep your hands out of your poo-poo!"
Self-explanatory, right? EWWW!

"Toilets are for potty and toilet paper. Nothing else belongs in the toilet."
My son had thrown one of his beloved burpies in the toilet. I'm just glad that he didn't flush!

"Cheese doesn't belong in your ear. No, it doesn't belong in your belly button either."
He was learning his body parts and I think he wanted his mouth to share with the other openings in his body.

"How in the world did you manage to get a Goldfish cracker in your diaper?"
I found a whole Goldfish cracker in his diaper one day. He couldn't have possibly eaten it, but how in the world did it get there?

"Say bye-bye to your boogie. No, we don't kiss boogies."
Boogie is our term for boogers. I guess he was concerned that it was being thrown in the trash before he could say goodbye.

"Utensils are not drumsticks and the table is not a drum."
My musical son was treating me to a drum solo during lunch one day.

"Mommy wants some privacy. Please leave Mommy alone. Oh, well, hello there. No, I can't pick you up right now."
My son has learned how to open doors and I apparently can't even use the restroom in privacy any longer.

I know that I've said plenty of crazy things in the last 19-months and I'm sure I'll say plenty more in the years ahead. I'm looking forward to hearing what crazy things will come from my son's mouth.