Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Kids Say the Darndest Things - So Do Moms

Kids say pretty funny and outrageous things. So do their mothers.

We're all familiar with the segment of the Art Linkletter program in which he'd talk with young children and they'd inevitably say something silly or respond in a hilarious way. The success of this segment even became an entire show many years later.

I've said my share of crazy things since welcoming my son home. I don't do funny, I'm not that clever, but I crack up when I think of these things that I've said in the last two months. I hope you get a chuckle or two.

"My son is already a Boob Man."
Remarked to another mom after my son walked up and honked my breast.

"Stop pulling your weiner!"
My son was yanking his weiner during a diaper change. I swear he stretched it up to his belly button and I was sure he would break it or something.

"Honey, your head is not metal. Hitting your head won't make the same sound. Please stop hitting your head. That's enough, give Mommy the comb."
He had just discovered that hitting metal with a comb made a nice ringing sound. Naturally, he started hitting his head with the comb.

"Please stop trying to eat the coaster."
My son is still a chewer and he likes to taste everything that he can get his hands on. Substitute coaster for magnets, hair brush, toothpaste tube, remote control, or any number of random household objects and it probably makes up half of the things I say each day.

"Stop scratching your butt cheeks, you'll hurt your butt. No, no, don't try to touch your butthole."
For some reason, my son kept trying to scratch his butt cheeks for a week or so. He'd scratch at his butt during diaper changes and while in the bath. He actually ended up with scratch marks on his cheeks. One day he just left his butt alone and he hasn't scratched at it since.

"Please don't try to brush your hair with a fork. Forks are for eating food."
I guess I should be happy that my son was trying to brush his hair, but the fork actually had food on it at the time.

"Keep your hands out of your poo-poo!"
Self-explanatory, right? EWWW!

"Toilets are for potty and toilet paper. Nothing else belongs in the toilet."
My son had thrown one of his beloved burpies in the toilet. I'm just glad that he didn't flush!

"Cheese doesn't belong in your ear. No, it doesn't belong in your belly button either."
He was learning his body parts and I think he wanted his mouth to share with the other openings in his body.

"How in the world did you manage to get a Goldfish cracker in your diaper?"
I found a whole Goldfish cracker in his diaper one day. He couldn't have possibly eaten it, but how in the world did it get there?

"Say bye-bye to your boogie. No, we don't kiss boogies."
Boogie is our term for boogers. I guess he was concerned that it was being thrown in the trash before he could say goodbye.

"Utensils are not drumsticks and the table is not a drum."
My musical son was treating me to a drum solo during lunch one day.

"Mommy wants some privacy. Please leave Mommy alone. Oh, well, hello there. No, I can't pick you up right now."
My son has learned how to open doors and I apparently can't even use the restroom in privacy any longer.

I know that I've said plenty of crazy things in the last 19-months and I'm sure I'll say plenty more in the years ahead. I'm looking forward to hearing what crazy things will come from my son's mouth.

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