Monday, February 7, 2011

Sex Isn't Very Important. . .

if you don't have a good sex life. 

Come on, you didn't really think I'd say sex wasn't important without tacking on that last part, did you?!

I've been told that sex isn't very important by several people over the years.  I initially bought the line because I'm a romantic at heart, but I've come to form the opposite opinion.  I think it is very important because, well, I like sex and I don't care if that makes me sound whorish or not.

I mean, I like sex so much that I can't understand why someone just doesn't care about it.  I can not wrap my head around such a thought.  It feels great and it makes you feel connected (literally and figuratively) to another person!  Why wouldn't you like it? 

I've only heard the "sex isn't all that important" line from women and I wonder why.  Is it that sex is such a charged issue to women that they can't just go for it even if that means denying an immense amount of pleasure?  Is it that so many women were sexually abused or mistreated in some fashion so they have a hard time accepting sexual desire because it caused such hurt?  Is it that somewhere inside we think that fish really don't need bicycles?  Or is it an entirely different reason?

I'm not exactly a shrinking virgin and I lost my cherry at a shockingly young age, though it wasn't so shocking to me at the time.  I have sometimes wondered why I let someone pluck my sweet peach when it was barely ripening.  I don't really have an answer other than it seemed to be the thing to do back in those days.  I guess I didn't buy the "nice girls don't put out" line, eh?  And I've always thought that a fish would really appreciate a good bicycle!

So I have a rather lengthy sexual history, relative to my age, and I know myself pretty well in the bedroom.  If I'm in a relationship and we go any length of time without sex, I start to pick apart and question the entire relationship.  It doesn't take long before I'm wondering if there's an unspoken reason for the lack of lovemaking; some resentment, infidelity, or just plain ol' boredom.  If I go any long length of time without an orgasm (whether anyone else is involved or not), I start feeling dissatisfied with my entire life and I become somewhat confrontational without that release.  Orgasms are a joyous thing and I miss them terribly when they are gone.  I'm aware that I probably sound like a guy right about now, but I can assure you that I'm all-woman.

Perhaps you're thinking that I must have been sexualized at a young age or that I suffer some deep-seated psychological damage.  Perhaps you'd be right or perhaps not.  I have noted that women who were sexually abused tend to go only one of two ways:  they either need sex to feel any value & self-worth or they detest sex & hate penis. 

I need sex to feel connected with my husband, not to feel my own value.  There's no way I can describe how it feels to have all of your love inside. . .and I mean that in the most literal way possible.  It's a thing of beauty and a gift.

Look, I'm not saying sex is the most important thing in a relationship because it's not - not by a long shot.  Fidelity, forgiveness, honesty, friendship, kindness, respect and stuff like that are more important than sex, but sex is still pretty damn important in my book.  Speak anonymously if you'd like, but what do you say on the matter?

Hm, looks like I've uncovered yet another reason why my husband nabbed me and took me for his own as soon as I was back on the market.


  1. I am in total agreeance with you Heather that a good sex life with your husband/partner is very important.

    I was a suvivor of both child mulistation(sp) and rape as an adult but still feel that sex is very important and do not shy away from it. I know that both of these things were not my fault and the person who committed these horible crimes towards me was/is sick.

    I have never understood people waiting until marriage to enjoy sex for the first time. You know that these people had some sort of physical attraction when they met and then realized they had more of a connection with likes, dislikes, etc. but how do they know that they are actually sexually compatible if they never experience sex before hand.

    I know people who have waited and the sex was great(but then again, is it because that is the only person they know or is it really great) and know people that felt the sex was aweful (it did not fit into their head of what they "thought" it would be)and they ended up getting a divorce.

    Sex is NOT the whole marriage but it is a way for two people (no matter your orientation) to show and SHARE yourself completely with the one you love.

    I say the one you love now only because I know that is really what it should be for, but dont get me wrong, if I were single and not happily married for almost 15 years, I would still enjoy a good roll in the hay.

    As kids, when most of the readership here I'm sure had their flowers plucked, we thought it was great to have sex and did not know what it really meant to have sex. Like Heather pointed out, it was the thing to do and everyone was doing it.

    I too lost my virginity at an early age (15) and have had more than my fair share of partners and glad that I have to a point. It let mw know what I like, dislike, prefer more than others etc. It also helped me to know my body even better and be able to help my partner not only satisfy himself but me at the same time. My husband and I for about 80% of our marriage and sex life cum literally at the same time. =)

    Heather, you and I are alot alike in our thinking on sex and i say bring on the fun. =)

  2. You made a lot of good points, Stacey.

    After the disaster of my first marriage, sexual compatibility is a huge thing for me! Sorry, but I better get some action right up front because I don't see the point of wasting my time if you totally suck in the sack.

    I agree that experimentation allows you to learn what you like. It also teaches you how to accept pleasure (something that I think a lot of women struggle with) and how to give it. Besides, it is good practice. Not to be crude (okay, maybe a little crude), but I'm pretty sure I give better head now than I did at 12. . .at least I sure hope I do!

    You have a healthy attitude toward sex and that's probably part of the reason why you've been happily married for fifteen-years! I feel like my marriage is improved because I was a bit of a party girl and wasn't all uptight. I mean, I still am fun & sexy it's just with my husband now and not with others. I'd say he kinda likes knowing that he has a dirty girl in the bedroom. At least, he better since that's what I am! :)