I've discovered that the subject of my epiphany post is still working at the same place I met him and that has caused me a lot of distress over the last few weeks. I have frequently attended his workplace with my young son for well over a year. The kiddo loves it there and I always have too. However, I'm concerned that I should avoid this place at all cost because I'm not so sure that it would be emotionally safe for me to visit if it means that I might see him.
I mentioned all this to a very dear friend. She knew me back then and she knew him too. I indicated that my concern is that I'd see him and that I'd see that the spell between us was broken between us. That I'd just be some frumpy middle-aged housewife in his eyes. That's true, as I'd sure hate the blow to my ego, but it's more than that though. . .it's that I fear that I would be putting myself directly in temptation's path.
I detest liars, thieves, and cheaters. And believe me when I say that someone who cheats on their spouse is all three in one. We so easily begin to resemble that which we hate. . .could I ever be an adulteress? Could I ever be so easily tempted? I don't think so, but I am very aware that my pride in my faithfulness could very well lead to faithlessness.
My friend smartly pointed out that I'm too much in love with my husband and our son to do anything to jeopardize this family. She's right about that because my family is my everything. I'm sure readers of this blog know how much my husband & son mean to me; they truly are as vital as the air that I breathe.
She also pointed out that my epiphany subject was old back then and that means that he's ancient now. She's not so right about that. He's only a few years older than my husband and I certainly don't think my hubs is "old" - let alone "ancient!"
She added that we probably wouldn't even recognize each other anyway since so much time has gone by and we surely have aged in the last twenty-years. Oh my, she is right about that! I was looking over some old photos of myself and, well, I look nothing like I did back then. I think I peaked (from a physically attractive standpoint) at around 19- or 20-years old. And it totally pains me to admit that was a long time ago. It sucks, but there you go.
I am an honest woman and I have discussed this potential problem at length with my husband. He knows about the entire relationship and he knows every intimate detail. Yeah, yeah, so I kiss & tell - to my spouse!
Yet he laughed at my concerns and basically advised me to stop worrying about silly situations that weren't likely to ever happen. After all, I go to this place with our son - that alone stops any sexy situations dead. I guess no one really wants to make time with a Mom. Additionally, we frequently are in the company of other mamas & toddlers - another sexual killer.
And that's even allowing for the thought that this man and I would still have this fiery hot connection burning between us. . .and, let's face it, we do not and we will not because the years would have eroded whatever it was that brought the two of us together. So, really, the chances to destroy my marriage are virtually nil.
My little boy and I went to this particular place the other day. We had a wonderful time with two other mamas and their children. I did not run into an old love and I didn't particularly worry about it either. My son gets so excited when he sees where we are going and I can't possibly trip down my own memory lane when my little boy is busily building his own memories.
The past is gone and I've never made a habit of going backward. So it is entirely possible (remotely possible, really) that I may see this man at some point. . .but I wasn't brought to him to have for life. However, I did voluntarily give myself to my husband in a ceremony that was witnessed by well over 100 of our friends and family. And that union brought forth our son. . .our wonderful son!
I am my beloved's and he is mine. No man will tear us apart; even a man who has known me in the distant past. I can confidently enjoy this venue because I do know that the love I have for my husband overrides any lust or nostalgia that I can possibly feel. Feelings, after all, are fleeting. But the love and admiration that I have for my husband is deeper than the oceans, higher than the sky, and sweeter than the most tender nectar. He is the harbor in which I seek refuge and life's storms will never tear me from his safe bay. To put it quite simply, I adore my husband and nothing that is of this world could pull me away from him.
So I will confidently enter this park and appreciate seeing the joy in my son's face. And I will leave the past where it belongs. . .solidly in the past.