Someone is Definitely Not on the Wagon!

Like a violent drunk who needs all weapons locked up prior to going on a bender, I apparently need my laptop taken away before I decide to go off the wagon.  Following is e-mail evidence that I wish I was making up for the purpose of writing this post.  Alas, it is verbatim and I'm mortified.  I'm only sharing it here because I'm guessing that it might be amusing to some of you and, if read after yesterday's post, the amusement will probably go off the charts.

Perhaps I shouldn't always try to out-drink frat boys when I'm cozying up to Al Co Hall.  Just so all the boys & girls out there know for sure, martinis really are like breasts:  one isn't enough, but three is just too many. . .particularly when said three glasses of vodka are following a bottle of wine.

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To: My OB at 1:42 am
Sub:  Is Pelvic Rest Really Necessary

So, Doctor, I'm not really your patient at this point, but is a six-week period of pelvic rest really necessary in my situation? I've totally ignored the pelvic restriction (after one week) and now I'm wondering if I've broken something up inside of me since I didn't hold fast to the six-weeks? ( you'll say it's all good) For the record, everything feels just fine from my standpoint and I'm not taking any

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To:  My OB at 1:58 am
Sub:  Pt. II - Laptops Suck!!

I swear that laptops will be the death of me!

So anyway, hubs wants to know if everything is cool up in my babyworks since I've (we've) ignored the restrictions (?!) (so sue me!) and we enjoyed each other tonight. I said it was probably cool, but he had his misgivings. I feel totally fine so I'm hoping that means that everything is, in fact, fine. This six-weeks isn't really necessary, is it?! Really, six-weeks is an awful long time and your advice would be appreciated. . .

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From:  My OB at 5:38 am

How can you say that you're not my patient! I certainly hope to continue to be your doctor!
OK, so now to your answer. Many times in medicine we are asked to give advice when no data is available. Our advice of abstaining after a miscarriage is an example. I usually use a 2-3 week advice, never 6 weeks.
No, you didn't harm anything. I do sugget the use of a condom for 2 months after the miscariage to let all heal prior to trying agin.
And I advise continued daily vitamins.

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To:  My OB at 9:02 am

Well, I was quite the busy girl last night! I'm impressed at my polite phrasing and it makes for hilarious blog fodder, but cringing at my silly messages to you for the last hour hasn't made them go away and I feel the need to respond.

Not that I'm in the habit of sending e-mails to physicians at 2:00 am or anything, but you can't get too worked up over anything that I say at that time of day if you know what I mean. It just seems awkward to say that you are my doctor since I'm not PG.

Thanks for the reassurance and advice. I am still taking the vitamins and I'll do my best to follow the rest of your suggestions. And, of course, should I find myself knocked up in the future, you will be my doctor!

Best regards, (insert my name here)

PS I'm glad I was right! Ha! :)

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I must be a freaking marvelous patient.  Thank goodness that I have a wonderful vagina because I don't think there's much else to recommend me to this poor doctor!