Saturday, January 9, 2010

Counting My Blessings

WARNING: Some content may be TMI.

I was sure this was it! I was so sure that I was pregnant.

And then I bled on Wednesday. I told myself that it was just implantation bleeding. I was fine on Thursday and I continued telling myself that I was pregnant. But I took a pregnancy test at 3:00 in the morning on Friday. I was up and just had to do it. It was negative. I told myself that I probably took the test too early and decided to take another test in a few days. But I started bleeding in the afternoon. And by bleeding, I mean BLEEDING. It's definitely one of those months that I feel like a transfusion would be entirely appropriate.

I spent my afternoon alternating between sleeping and sobbing while my son took a three hour nap yesterday. I don't take disappointment very well and I was so sure that this was it! I feel like a total jerk for getting my hopes up so high so prematurely.

My husband was sad too, but I believe that I feel this disappointment so much more than he can. Mostly because I feel like it's my fault. It's hard to explain why I take the blame and I won't even try to attempt it here. But, yes, my rationale does sound somewhat crazy even to my own ears.

In the middle of last night's monthly pity party, I cried that every freaking unprepared woman on the planet and every alley cat in the street can get pregnant. In my mind it makes sense that we should get a baby since we can afford a baby and we're capable of nurturing a baby. And it seems unjust that those who can't afford a baby and those who can't properly care for a baby seem to get pregnant with such relative ease.

My husband said, "But, honey, you can get pregnant. Look at our little boy."

That line stopped me in my tracks. He's right. I have experienced pregnancy. I had an unconventional delivery, and certainly not the delivery I wanted, but I have delivered a baby. I have been fortunate to be able to stay home with my baby since he was born. I nursed him for a little over a year. I have had a baby and I am so thankful for him.

In my pursuit of getting a baby in my womb, I have forgotten how blessed I am to have the babe in my arms. If I never have another child, I have already been blessed more than I could ever deserve. And for that I'm most thankful.

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