Friday, January 1, 2010

Waxing Philosophic

I've always been a little high strung.

My hubby has taken our little tater tot off my hands for the last few hours and it has given me time to reflect, to wax philosophic if you will. I don't do well with a lot of free time because being too still makes me nervous. I stay home with my little tater tot these days and I still haven't quite figured out how to live with this new identity. Life was much easier when I worked. I knew who I was. I knew what I did. I knew what performance was expected. And I knew how much I was valued - right down to the penny.

Who am I now? What am I doing with my life? Am I fulfilling my job duties? What is my contribution to this family? And what am I worth?

I always wonder if I'm cooking enough, if I'm cleaning enough, if I do enough laundry, if I spend enough time with my son, if I show my husband enough appreciation. And all of these concerns have mini-concerns attached. I wonder if the meals I cook are nutritious enough, I wonder if everyone else I knows slacks off on the cleaning if they aren't expecting guests, I obsess over the whereabouts of that missing sock (another one went missing tonight!), I wonder if anyone else turns on the TV and hopes for a few minutes of peace from their child, and I wonder if my husband knows just how much my life revolves around him and his feelings. Sure, these are all pretty easy and lighthearted things to ponder, but too much introspection often leads me to dark and ugly places that I don't care to visit ever again. Perhaps that's what led me to start this blog - it's an easy way to keep busy.

Now, I don't want anyone to think that I'm looking for my husband to conduct performance reviews because I'm not. And he'd be dead meat if he tried. I'm not terribly needy, but sometimes I do want validation that my contribution to this family is important. I suppose there is no way to calculate my worth, but I know that my son lights up when I cheer for his success and he smiles when he sees me after every nap. And that's worth more than any paycheck I could ever earn. My husband and our son adore me and that's priceless.

So what am I? I'll go with stay at home mom for now. . .and I wouldn't have it any other way.

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