Thursday, January 14, 2010

Is Vagazzling Really Necessary?

It has many names. We all know the typical names used, but I think clam, minge, honeypot, pink taco, and cunny are particularly colorful. Of course, I'm talking about vagina.

Jennifer Love Hewitt calls hers a "special lady" and on The George Lopez Show she recently revealed that she vagazzles hers. She even dedicated a chapter to vagazzling in the book that she's hustling. I'm not a prude and I thought for sure that I knew every possible thing that can be done to makeover your vadge, but this is something I had never heard about. I'm not even sure what vagazzling is exactly. There is some debate on-line over whether she has simply pierced some part of her nether region or if she has simply stuck crystals to it. Either way, I wonder, isn't a vagina enough as it is?

I wish some Gen X or Gen Y guys could weigh in on this very important matter. My husband is a Baby Boomer. He came of age in the 70s, long before the bare vulva was en vogue. He doesn't seem to care what it looks like. He'll take bewhiskered, bare, and anything in between as long as he can get to it. For him, getting vadge is enough. Do youngish guys nowadays require something extra to get with the program?

Many years ago the Brazilian wax took us by storm and we've seen nary a pubic hair in porn ever since. It wasn't long before suburban housewives and strippers alike were removing the fuzz from their peaches. Is vagazzling the next big thing?

I'll have to assume that vagazzling is attaching crystals to your vulva because she could have said that she had her clit or labia pierced without making up a portmanteau of vagina and Bedazzling. I guess Bedazzling our handbags and jackets is passe now that we can vagazzle our vaginas.

I'm not a man. I don't have a penis. But I have to think that the last place a man wants to put his penis is in a beaver that is encrusted with a bunch of tiny freaking crystals. It seems like it could really hurt if they enjoyed a particularly vigorous romp. I suppose that the worst case scenario is a crystal could detach and slip in his urethra. Imagine explaining that to the emergency room doctor. Eh, maybe not. I would believe that ER doctors have seen and heard far worse than a vagazzle crystal stuck up a pee-hole.

So why isn't a vagina enough? Why do females eagerly await seeing pubic hair pre-puberty only to rip it out as soon as they become sexually active? Who tells us that it is normal to do so? I know that the proliferation of porn has absolutely influenced every aspect of sex, including appearance of body hair. I don't have a bone to pick with porn, - heh, I said "bone" - but I wonder why we buy into the notions that the sex industry advances.

Do we hate our vaginas? Of course we all want our vaginas to be accepted and liked. Do we also want to have a unique sniz? Or do we want our box to look like every other snooch in porn - complete with labiaplasty and a Brazilian? Seriously, take a look at modern porn. All of the, uh, actresses have vaginas that look exactly the same.

I say embrace your naturally unique vagina. No, I'm not saying that you have to go all Sascrotch and bring back a big 70s-style bush. But every hair, every fold, every part of it is unique. Ask your husband, boyfriend, or lover (but not all three at the same time - ha!) how they feel about your vadge. I will darn near guarantee that they don't need a gimmick to get excited about getting nookie. And I will nearly guarantee that they don't want to do it when you have crystals hanging out near their weiner.

Of course, I could be wrong.

And please accept my apologies if I missed your favorite term for vagina. I left off p*ssy and c*nt because they seemed too obvious.

No comments:

Post a Comment