My Biggest Fear

Some people fear public speaking above anything - even above death! As someone who likes having an audience in her hands, I find that hard to believe, but okay. Personally, I'm terrified of death. I'm not afraid of what will happen to me when I die, I'm remarkably unconcerned about that, but I am afraid of what will happen to my husband and my son. Being separated from my family is my biggest fear and I don't want to leave my husband to raise our son all alone. I'd imagine all parents have the same fear.

When my son was about 7-weeks old, I suffered migraines for a solid week. These weren't typical migraines. I mean, I can still find a way to function when my head hurts so bad that I can't function. No, these were much, much worse. One morning I woke up to discover that I couldn't intelligibly speak. I knew in my mind what I was trying to say, but I couldn't form the words and the only sound coming from my mouth was gibberish. I ultimately ended up totally losing the vision in one eye and losing most of the vision in the other eye. I was afraid that I was stroking out and thought that I might die, abandoning my sweet young son. But, no, they were just really horrible migraines. The good news is that the lochia finally stopped just days before the headaches began so at least I didn't have to deal with the baby, the pain (the c-section incision still hurt), and the crazy headaches while feeling like I was bleeding to death.

About a week ago, I told my husband that I'd want to follow him to the grave if anything happened to him, but I have an obligation to raise our son and that responsibility would keep me tethered here on Earth. I don't believe that I'd remarry because there is no way that I would ever find such a wonderful husband, or loving father for our son, ever again. I know it's important for boys to have a man around to emulate and I don't know how I would address that, but my son does have two uncles who leave nearby and I know that I'd be able to count on them when it comes to man-stuff that I just can't do or don't know about.

If anything happened to me. . .well, my husband didn't think that he'd remarry for reasons similar to mine. We're both 1-1 for marriages and the odds of experiencing another awesome relationship just aren't that great. I would want him to remarry though, I can't bear to think of him being lonely and sad. And I want my son to have a mother. I'd prefer it to be me, but if not, I would want him to have a loving step-mother.

Death comes to us all and you never really know when your time is up so it's best to make the most of the time you have. Be kind to your family, be generous with affection, let them know they are loved.