I haven't mentioned it because I was afraid to jinx myself, but I inexplicably stopped spotting/bleeding last Wednesday. I don't know why I stopped and I'm hoping that it's a good thing. Well, of course it's a good thing because bleeding in early pregnancy may be common, but it's not exactly normal or expected.
In my typical way of borrowing trouble, I've been wondering why it stopped and hoping that it doesn't mean that something is wrong. Yes, I know that it's better to NOT bleed while pregnant than TO bleed while pregnant. It just took me by surprise that the bleeding has disappeared. It's like a faucet, a constantly leaky faucet, was fixed and the flow was turned off.
I'm a little skeptical that it's gone for good because it was here for over a month. It would be so typical of my body to lull me into a pair of lovely white panties and then open the floodgates and destroy everything in the flow's path. I can't really do anything about the bleeding one way or another so I'm padded up at all times (complete with ugly granny panties), fully expecting it to return with a vengeance at any moment.
I spotted or bled nearly every single day for the first 6 1/2-weeks of this pregnancy. Prior to the spotting stopping last Wednesday, the last time that I didn't have any vaginal bleeding was during the twelve-days between my last menstrual period and when began using the progesterone suppositories. That marked the beginning of this red-venture.
What now? I don't know. I'm feeling pretty good lately so I don't want to make myself sick with worry. Other than the bleeding difficulties, this pregnancy reminds me so much of how I felt when I was carrying my son. I'm tired (though my energy is improving with the cessation of bleeding), I feel queasy sometimes (though I puke every single time I have things to do or places to go), I have some food aversions (not like it's stopping me from eating though), my boobs are painfully gorgeous (I can't believe the size bra I had to purchase this weekend), and I'm happy. I'm really, really happy.
I've been so afraid to become too attached to this pregnancy, this baby, and I think it's odd that I've grown so peacefully happy over the last several days. I guess it's just that I don't want this pregnancy to grow in the shadow of my lost pregnancy. That's not fair to me or to this baby. That baby is gone, but this baby is here right now and I am so thankful.
Pregnancy should be a time of happiness and joy and losing my last pregnancy robbed me of those feelings, prevented me from revelling in them for these last several weeks. Those ecstatic feelings are here now and I'm keeping them. This baby is sunshine and I won't compare this pregnancy to those hard weeks of dark clouds and rain.
You know, my estimated due date is the first anniversary of the day that my last baby died. That really bothered me to discover, but it doesn't now because I think I've finally realized that this baby is already it's own person. This baby has nothing to do with that baby and I will love this baby as much as I would have loved that baby - no matter what day I actually deliver.