Thursday, June 3, 2010

Children to Grandchildren

My husband and I tried for months upon months upon months to conceive our son. It took nearly a year. By the time that my pregnancy was confirmed, I was delirious with joy. I was so happy that a future baby was firmly ensconced in my womb that I didn't really give much thought to gender. I cleared my mind during the ultrasound, willing myself to not want one or the other, but to be thankful that I was having any child at all.

I do have to confess that I wanted to have a daughter. Until I had my son. I truly adore my son. His smile warms me more than the brightest sunshine ever could. I give thanks for him (and my husband) every single night and I'm so blessed that I was chosen to be my son's mother (and my husband's wife).

I delayed childbirth until I was in my 30s. I had a serious plan with my life and I wasn't going to let kids get in my way. That's how I felt toward children - they stopped progress and killed dreams.

In retrospect, I sometimes wonder if I made the correct decisions with my life. Logically, I know I made the correct choices. But emotionally. . .emotionally I rip myself apart every month for the choices I've made.

My husband and I have been trying to have another baby for over one year. No one obsesses over their underpants like a woman trying to conceive (or hoping not to!) and each month I am crestfallen when my baby dreams are dashed once again. I get angry and, once my fury subsides, I cry bitter tears and feel sorry for myself.

I spent many, many years fearing and preventing childbirth. I find it so completely unfair that having a child is my fondest dream now and that I'm denied my joy each month. Why did I wait so long to start a family? What was so damned important that I kept putting it off?

I've been wondering what I'll tell my son when he is interested in starting a family. Luckily, he's a boy. From a biological standpoint, it isn't all that big of an issue to hold off. He can follow in his father's footsteps and have children as late in life as he chooses. Well, that's assuming that he also marries a significantly younger woman.

I have to say that I'll advise my son to wait as long as possible before starting a family. He can have a solid career, own property, and have significant savings before even thinking of children. He can sow all of his wild oats before he has to settle down and get saddled with life's responsibilities.

Of course, he won't procreate on his own. There will be a woman carrying his child, my grandchild. I hope that my son will faithfully remain with the mother of his child(ren) and I hope that she'll be a wonderful wife to him.

Does it sound impossibly crazy that I already pray for my son's future wife? Well, I do. I pray that she'll be raised in a loving home, that she won't be harmed or wounded (physically, emotionally, or sexually) as she grows, that she'll adore my son and stick with him through all of life's storms. I pray that she'll love my son the way that I love my husband. My son will be a very blessed man if he has such a loving and devoted wife.

My husband and I talked about the differences between having a daughter and having a son prior to our son's birth. With daughters, you worry about every dick on the planet. With sons, you only have to worry about their dick. Of course, that's not entirely true. . .with sons, you have to worry about every predatory p*ssy on the planet. And that scares me so much. I hope that there is a reliable and safe male birth control pill or shot by the time my son is engaging in sexual behavior.

I'm in my mid-30s. I hope not to become a grandparent until I'm in my 70s because I think that would be the best life choice for my son. However, it's not my choice when I become a grandparent. I hope that, whatever my son does with his life, that he does it well and that his actions make his parents proud.

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