I don't know why I keep getting my hopes up. I really should have known because I discovered that our birds (the ones with the nest under the eaves) were gone and an egg was broken on our driveway. I know it sounds insane, but that's what happens when you're desperately seeking a baby. You start looking for deeper meanings in all kinds of situations.
I'm happy for the women I know who are pregnant, but I feel a sharp empty sting when I learn of yet another pregnancy. I'm happy for the women I know who have recently welcomed additional children to their families, but I'm embarrassed to admit that I cry when I leave after visiting with the new babies. I guess I'm not that great of a friend because, instead of completely focusing on their joy, I can't help but feel a little sorry for myself. I try to make sure that I have a good heart, but I just revealed that it isn't as good as I'd like.
I know that God is always in control and that everything happens for a reason. God is still good and I'm still faithful. I've already been blessed so much with my family: my wonderful husband and our delightful son. I give thanks every single day that I've been so abundantly blessed with my loving family and these two people represent more blessings than I could ever deserve, but I can't keep myself from boldly asking Him to bless me yet again.
We're to give thanks in all things. That's a pretty tough order at times. Times like tonight. But I'll remind myself that He's in control and I'll thank Him. I'll thank Him because suffering tenderizes the heart. Disappointment leads to bitterness and this mother's heart needs to be periodically softened.
When the time comes that I weep for joy at the sight of a new baby, I'll remember all these bitter tears. And I'll give thanks to Him yet again.