Wednesday, June 23, 2010

A Few Contraceptives that I'll NEVER Use!!

Last night I enlightened my readership on the horrors that was Lysol douche.  Tonight I'll scar you with birth control through the ages.  Though I have used several different methods with good success, I'm certainly not an expert on the topic.  No jokes, please.  So I turned to the internet and I learned that people did some pretty vile stuff to avoid welcoming a bouncing baby into their lives.

The big standout for me was the crocodile dung.  You read that right.  Crocodile dung was used as a contraceptive in ancient Egypt.  I don't know if it was supposed to act as a spermicide or as a diaphragm or what, but I can't think of anything that I'd be less inclined to shove up my snizz than crocodile dung.  A pessary of prehistoric reptile dung is the absolute worst thing I can imagine.  As far as the ancient Egyptian guys are concerned. . .well, if I had a dick, I can't think of a less appealing place to stick it than an orifice stuffed with that crap.  Literally crap!  Seriously, just chop off your junk if you hate it that much.

Have you ever had a splinter in your hand?  It really sucks, doesn't it?  Can you imagine getting a splinter somewhere up your hoo-haw?  Yes, some women used wood blocks as a primitive diaphragm.   Why not just use a little broken glass or hot lava?

Many years ago there was a contraceptive on the market called the Today sponge.  Some of you may remember the term "sponge-worthy" from Seinfeld.  Well, in the old days, an actual dried sea sponge was used.  Women would soak it in an acidic solution (vinegar or lemon juice, for example), wrap a string around it for easy removal, and stuff that drippy mess up their beavers for a good time with no consequences.  No word on whether they suffered burns in their mucous membranes from prolonged contact with an acid.

Condoms (AKA rubbers) don't bother me in particular, but I know that they are detested by many males.  Did you know that condoms are one of the oldest forms of contraception still in use today?  Condoms dating from the 1600s have been found in England (how would you like to be the one to excavate that, ah, juicy morsel??) and they are the oldest condoms ever found.  Egyptian drawings from 3,000 years ago and French cave drawings from 12,000 years ago depict condoms.  It's the cave paintings of Combarelles that I'm referring to, but now I'm suspicious of the meaning behind the hands at Lascaux!  The date of the Combarelles condom pictures is in question and I found several while researching for this post.  Of course, we don't make modern condoms out the intestines of small mammals (ewww!) or tubes of linen, but they are still essentially the exact same design - save the reservoir tip and the ribbing, which I've read is for her pleasure.

Spermicides are fairly common, I think.  Though they are somewhat messy, they are my preferred form of birth control.  Well, after sterilization anyway.  The Lysol douche I was ripping on last night was supposed to be a type of spermicide.  We all know that douching doesn't prevent pregnancy, but evidently sex ed wasn't so great back in the old days.  Nonoxynol-9, one of the most common spermicides, appears to irritate the mucous membranes so much that it increases STD risks.  Great.  You might not get a kid, but you might get the Clap.  Actually, combined with their dismal efficacy, you might end up with a kid too.

Birth control.  It's such an unreliable & gross business.  And what a damn weird mess it was back in the old days!  I think my husband or I will end up fixed once our next kiddo becomes a one year old.

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