Wednesday, June 30, 2010

To Hollywood: You're Welcome & Be Sure to Send Me a Check

My post last night really got me thinking really deep thoughts about who would win in a superhero or monster fight.  I wish I was joking, but I actually was up until a little after 1:00 am thinking about the mashups I'm about to present.  I think it goes without saying that the Superhero team would always kick monster butt, but who would win in a fight between Superheroes?  Or between monsters?

Superheroes - Iron Man > Batman > Superman > Spiderman
I only like Iron Man, Batman, Superman, and sometimes Spiderman.  So I guess I'll only focus on these four.  As you can see from the equation above, I have listed who pwns who on this list.

Let's face it, Spiderman is the weak link here.  Ooooh, he can spin a web, good for him!  He sucks and the only reason he's on my list is because he has the catchiest theme song.  Not surprisingly, the theme song has to make a deal of his web-spinning abilities because that's basically all he can do.  You SUCK, Spiderman, and no one likes you!

Ahem, moving right along. 

Superman is freaking Superman, so I struggled with where he would fit in this mashup.  Ultimately, an impossible amount of cash reserves allowed the other two to overtake the legitimate Superhero on this list.  If Superman didn't have that pesky response to kryptonite, he would have totally won the fight.  However, Bruce Wayne (Batman) and Tony Stark (Iron Man) are brilliant and rich as Roosevelt.  Therefore, they would figure out that kryptonite is Superman's, well, kryptonite.  Their vast wealth would enable them to either get some kryptonite or somehow synthesize it in the lab - and I don't think they'd pull a Richard Pryor and sub in tar as the missing element.  Before anyone calls shenanigans on that theory, realize that the bald-headed dolt, Lex Luthor, can get his hands on kryptonite.  If he can get it, those guys should have no problem.  Heck, even those 90s radio nerds, The Spin Doctors, could get a pocket full of kryptonite.

So this leaves us with Batman or Iron Man.  In a way, neither deserve to be on a Superhero list because both Batman and Iron Man are just regular men. There is nothing all that remarkable about them. Well, other than their very expensive outfits and slick tricks.  I never read superhero comics as a kid - I was partial to Archie & his gang - so I can only base my opinions on the movies that I've seen.  Based on the movies, Iron Man is the clear winner.  Don't get your bat-hackles up, I'll explain.

Bruce Wayne is an injured orphan.  He's touched by suffering and I think that he pulls back when he has a kill-shot because he feels empathy (on some level) with the villain.  He would not be able to go for the jugular in a fight with Iron Man.  He just wouldn't do it.  He couldn't do it.

Contrast the injured orphan with the cynical Capitalist who is Tony Stark.  He's motivated by fame, money, and perhaps a small sense of justice.  If Batman was swinging his bat-balls in Stark's 'hood, Iron Man would boot him off the planet because Iron Man can't handle the competition.  He is an Alpha, through & through and he'll crush any usurpers.

Also, Batman's bag of tricks just isn't as impressive as Iron Man's.  That wasn't meant as a double entendre - though it would be funny if it was!  I just meant that Iron Man seems tougher and it seems like he can do more with his special suit than Batman can with his own. 

I do have to give style points to Batman though.  Iron Man is all shiny & stuff and his helmet face is ugly.  Batman's suit is a nice matte black and he drives a fly car.  His motorcycle and plane are pretty sweet too.  No wonder he gets the hotter chicks!

Monsters - Vampire > Werewolf > Mummy
I had trouble coming up with four monsters.  Heck, I could barely come up with three that would make sense in a mashup.  The Mummy is like this list's Spiderman.  Completely useless and so easy to beat that even my 2-year old could probably dispatch him back to Hades.  Listen up, Mummy, you are slow and gross and no one likes you!

So we're left with the Vampire and the Werewolf.  As I indicated in my post last night, the obvious winner is the vampire.  Here's why:  Unlike a werewolf, who is at the mercy of the friggin' full-moon, vampires can shape-shift at will! 

How does the vampire defeat the werewolf?  Let me count the ways!  The vampire can turn into a bat and fly away.  The vampire can appear as a human and shoot a silver bullet into the stupid man-beast.  The vampire can show up anytime there isn't a full moon, which is most of the time, and kill the werewolf in human form.  The vampire can pounce on the werewolf and sink his fangs in if he wanted to get really gross about it.

My husband added an interesting point while I was pondering this last night.  He said that vampires are already Undead, so how do you kill them anyway.  I suppose that they can get burned by daylight.  Or there's always the good ol' stake through the heart.  Both are things that the werewolf could not do if in werewolf form.  Werewolf only morphs during a full-moon, which means that he can't kill the vampire with the light of day at that time.  Also, I'm guessing that the werewolf sports true paws rather than hands.  No thumbs means that the werewolf has no ability to pound a stake through the heart of the vampire.

Ta-Da!  Roll credits. . .

Hollywood churns out a ton of expensive crap every year and I wouldn't be surprised to see the mashups presented in this blog down at my local theater by next Summer.  It would be like a complete cheese-fest as these mashups are more like something that would be viewed while watching Elvira's show.  But I'd totally watch it! 

Does anyone else remember Elvira and the campy movies that she brought to audiences each week?  My Grandpa loved watching Elvira.  I can't say that I recall him watching any of the movies though - haha!

So there you have it. Iron Man kicks the crap out of every other superhero and Vampire kicks the crap (or sucks the blood - eww!) out of every other monster. Am I missing any of your favorites? Or am I the only dork who cares about such things?

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