Today I had a couple of quick exchanges with a few friends about my current situation. I still haven't started to pass my baby and it's making me sadder as the days go by. It's hard to wrap my head around the fact that my baby lost it's heartbeat a week ago and my body still can't let it go.
At risk of sounding like a braggart, I led a remarkably charmed life for several years. I enjoyed more happiness and joy than I could ever deserve. I didn't have much in the way of pain or suffering and, as a result, I had grown quite fat and lazy from a spiritual and emotional standpoint. That's not really a good place to be in my opinion and it's good that I've been tested and refined in this last year.
Regular readers of this blog know that there has been significant heartbreak in my life in the last twelve months. I haven't written about everything that has happened because it would be inappropriate for me to share, but there has been a lot more that I haven't even breathed a word about in this blog. Yes, believe it or not, there are some things that even I think are important to keep hidden, secret, and out of print.
I have wondered more than once if the things that I've been whining about are just normal things that happen all the time to everyone else, but I've had many people agree that it does appear that my family has been under attack with spectacularly difficult challenges in the last twelve-months. What should I make of this realization that we have been hit by this onslaught? Should I feel that God doesn't care about my faithfulness? Should I feel abandoned by God? Should I be mad at God? Should I turn away from God and lean on my own understanding?
I faithfully (get it?!) submit that I should still find a way to give thanks for these painful circumstances. Am I crazy? I don't think so and I don't think that any Christian would. Great growth tends to come after great suffering. Imagine how much growth I'm going to be blessed with when these trials are over! I'm convinced that this great suffering is preparing me for completing great works.
God is in everything. Everything! And, if we let Him, He can use anything for good. Yes, even the death of this much loved and wanted baby can be used for good in God's name! There is already good in this suffering. Rather than turning away from God during these difficult times, I've grown closer to Him. My faith has been strengthened although my emotions have been battered.
I hope that I continue to lean on Him because there's no way I'd be able to handle these challenges on my own. I didn't become a Christian until I was in my mid-20s and I know for a fact that I would be completely broken if I was dealing with all of this while spiritually adrift. I was in a perfect position, spiritually, to experience the events of the last twelve months because I had learned of God's true love. It's not an accident that this testing happened after I accepted Christ in my heart.
I know what I want, but that doesn't mean that it's the right time (if you will) and I don't have the benefit of God's vision so I can't even second guess what's been happening because I don't have all the information to form an educated opinion. I hope that never-ending sentence made sense! I don't doubt that blessings will return to my life (and, really, I am still being marvelously blessed!) and I will rejoice and give Him the thanks when that day comes!