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My dreaded doctor's appointment is scheduled for tomorrow. I don't exactly know what to say, what outcome to hope for, what to pray about with regard to my present situation. Whatever is to be already is and nothing I say or do will change that.
I still haven't passed my baby. It's been over two-weeks and I still haven't passed the baby. It's pure torture to know that it's still there, but not living. It boggles my mind that my body won't just release it so I can begin to move on and heal. I never thought it would take so long to complete this miscarriage. I was sure that it would be over within days of that ER visit. . .that ER visit that seems like it was a hundred-years ago.
The cruelty of the situation is that, in the absence of any fetal tissue passing, I'm still hopeful that the ER was wrong. My fondest hope is that my OB will announce that my baby still has a perfectly strong heartbeat and everything looks okay. I dream about it sometimes and wake up with tears of joy, only to realize it's just a dream and my joyful tears turn to sadness.
I've stopped saying aloud that I'm holding out hope for a miracle because the pity in people's eyes is just too hard for me to see. And, if it's not pity, it's the way people awkwardly look away and avoid my gaze. Look, I know it's crazy. I'm fully aware that I don't sound rational about this. I just can't give up hope until it's abundantly clear that all hope is lost. I know, I know, three ultrasounds should be proof enough. But it isn't enough proof for me - not yet, not now.
I have a feeling that my OB will strongly suggest that I consider the D & C at this point. I feel like I should have known it would come to this; I really should have known. I can't possibly explain why I am so reluctant to go that route, but trust that it is absolutely the most emotionally painful option for me. It's been days since I've cried, but I began crying when I was talking about it last night. I hope that I can remain stoic and simply nod my head in front of the doctor because I know that I'll end up a blubbering mess if I try to explain why I do not want this procedure.
No matter what happens, I guess the waiting is nearly over. I suppose it doesn't really matter whether I pass the baby naturally or whether I allow a doctor to put me under general, dilate my cervix, and scrape my baby's pitiful remains from my womb. The end result is the same and I'll ache over this loss with either method of removal, but I know that healing can't possibly begin to happen until it's over. And, if there is one thing I want right now, it's to move on and heal.