Friday, January 28, 2011

So What Was The Name?

I'm kinda tired tonight, so I'll just write a quick post about this baby's name.  Don't worry though because this isn't a tear-jerker.  As I said yesterday, I feel okay with what has happened.  I'm not turning cartwheels or anything, but I am okay.

* * *

Emmanuelle - Hebrew (feminized French) - God is with us
Suzanne - Hebrew (feminized French) - Lily

* * *

I don't share the name of my babies until they are born and, since my baby is gone, I don't see the harm in sharing the name.  I mean, it isn't like I'd recycle this baby's name for any other baby I may have in the future.  Though I was fairly certain that I'd have a boy, the name that came to me in a dream the day after implantation was a feminized version of the name Emmanuel. 

So I knew that Emmanuelle was the baby's first name and I knew without looking it up that the name means God is with us.  And He is.  Even with everything that has happened, I know that He is.  He's with us in joy and He's with us in sorrow.  This pregnancy and this loss has served to highlight that very fact in a real and meaningful fashion.

But I struggled with the middle name.  I kept trying to feminize my husband's first name and only came up with one version and the resulting full name didn't have a pleasant flow of syllables.  Around a month ago I came up with the idea to use one of my names and I liked the way the names easily rolled off my tongue when spoken.

I had never looked up the meaning of the name Suzanne and I sat stunned when I read the meaning a couple of weeks ago.  Suzanne means lily.  Oh geez, of course it does. 

I always thought lilies were pretty flowers, but never gave them much thought.  Orchids are my favorites, carnations are cheap, and roses get all the glory.  Then I attended my brother's service and I developed a very definite opinion on lilies.

There were many lovely floral arrangements and it seems that the cloying scent of lilies permeated the air, making the room feel smaller than it really was.  I've remarked many times over the last several months that I will gladly live the rest of my life without smelling another lily again because now it is a flower I'll always associate with death.

And I unknowingly gave this baby a name that means lily.  Life is damn strange sometimes, isn't it?

* * *

My darling babe, Emmanuelle Suzanne, has been nestled in God's loving arms for more than two-weeks.  Now she has been released from my body.  And I was ready to let her go.

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