My son only had one accident today, so I'll take a break from chronicling his potty training progress. I'll focus on my motherhood journey since I didn't acknowledge Mother's Day yesterday.
I always wanted kids. I used to love playing with baby dolls. I wished that my parents would have a baby so that I wouldn't be the youngest. I adored spending as much time as possible with my nieces & nephews. I thought kids were about the coolest little people on the planet. Um, that's not meant as a slam against midgets or dwarfs, but I thought kids were cooler.
My attitude shifted around my early twenties and children were nowhere near being on my radar. Kids became annoying and whiny in my eyes. Instead of considering children to be blessings, they appeared to be a hindrance to personal happiness. I had goals and, frankly, children would have stopped my progress for a long time. So I delayed motherhood.
I didn't want children at all when I was married to my ex-husband. I used to tell him that I'd rather cut my (expletive deleted) throat than have a child with him. Before you think I'm a mega-b*tch for saying such a thing, let's just say that he had it coming. It's shocking that we ended up divorced, huh? Honestly, procreating with him would have been the absolute worst decision in history. Well, in my history anyway. So I delayed motherhood.
Children can cost a lot of money and they absolutely do take a lot of effort. For much of my life I either didn't have the money to raise kids or wasn't willing to spend it. I sure as heck wasn't willing to give much effort. I knew that it would be wrong to have a child that I wasn't willing or able to take care of properly. So I delayed motherhood.
I have made a lot of stupid decisions in my life, but delaying motherhood was one of the best decisions I ever made. I had conditions that I wanted to meet prior to procreating. I wanted to be in a solid marriage. I wanted to be financially comfortable. I wanted to be mature enough to handle the immense responsibility.
My mother used to say that I'll never get around to having children if I put motherhood off until everything is just right. My conditions were finally met to my satisfaction and my son is nearly two, so clearly she was wrong. I'm glad that I waited.
I would have had far more energy if I had children in my 20s. The days of easily handling life on less than four hours of sleep are long gone. What I lost in energy I gained in patience, selflessness, and appreciation. The path I chose isn't for everyone, but it was just right for this family.
Motherhood has been a joy and a blessing to me. I knew that I'd love my child, but I never could have guessed the depth and breadth of that love. I wept with joy the first time I saw my darling precious boy. I had been begging to see him for two hours and I finally was moved to my hospital room. Holding my son was like holding my own heart in my hands.
Generally speaking, I'm emotionally cold when people cry, but my son's tears can move me to tears. I feel like I'm going to burst with pride when he masters a new skill. I delight in his silly toddler absurdities.
I do miss earning a salary. I do miss that money. I miss being independent financially. But that money wasn't buying this kind of happiness. We laugh together several times each day and I adore spending my time with my kiddo - even if I don't earn one red cent.
Every day is a special "mother's day" for me. I don't need any special gifts on Mother's Day. Being a mother has been gift enough.
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