Not This Month

Just like that *poof* my baby hopes are dashed yet again.  Dangit!  I was really convinced this was it, but I guess not.

They say that the average length of a menstrual cycle is 28-days.  I swear that my body is out to get me because I've been experiencing the joy that is a 20-day menstrual cycle for the last few months.  That means that I get a period every 20 days.  Yay for womanhood, right?!  With such short cycles, it's understandable that I was very excited at the baby possibilities when I hit 29 days without an appearance from Aunt Flo.  And then she reared her ugly red head on day 30 and that was that.

The super-frustrating thing, other than it's been well over a year (closer to 1 1/2 years now) that we've been trying, is that I actually exhibited what could have been early pregnancy symptoms.  Yes, they could all be explained away.  But pregnancy was the simplest explanation for all the symptoms presenting at once.

As I've stated in previous posts, no one obsesses over their underpants quite like a woman who is trying to conceive.  Why is that?  We're looking for the slightest evidence of a period. 

I was concerned when I began spotting, but I decided that it was implantation bleeding because it was more of a brownish color.  That means that it wasn't fresh blood and implantation could have happened a day or so earlier.  I knew it was still pretty late for implantation, but what can I say?  I lied to myself so I didn't have a total meltdown in front of my family.  I stopped spotting later in the evening and I tried to put it from my mind.

I started spotting again yesterday morning.  Red spotting.  I tried not to obsess, but I ran to the bathroom as much as possible to see what was happening down there.  I knew what was coming, but that doesn't mean I was prepared for it.

I cried, "No, no, no, no, no, no!  Please, God, no," when it became very clear that this was a late period.  Just another month with an empty womb.  My sobs bothered my son so much that he began crying too.  His tears jolted me out of my pity party and I knew that I'd have to get it together because I was freaking him out.

So I got myself together and sat down in a chair with him on my lap.  I gave him hugs & kisses while telling him that I love him and there's nothing for him to cry about.  I have to say that I needed his hugs as much as he seemed to need mine.  I was thankful that he was content to relax and cuddle on my lap for a little longer.

I found the first trimester to be the most exhausting and there is so much going on in the family right now that I know it would be difficult to manage a pregnancy right now.  Add in the six-day work weeks and several nights each week that my husband has been working since before the end of last year and I know that a pregnancy would be too much to handle at the moment.  I kind of want to hold off on any more baby-making efforts until things calm down, but I just can't predict when that will be and I really don't have the luxury of time.  I really wouldn't mind going on the pill again to give me more than two weeks between periods. 

I don't know what to do at this point.  I don't know what to hope for or what to pray for.  All that I can really do is continue being a good wife to my husband and a good mother to our son.