Friday, October 8, 2010

One Thing Can Ruin the Entire Day

I've only left the house twice this week; once when a friend called to see if I'd be up for a quick excursion and once to go to the store for my son's Halloween costume materials.  Pathetic and lame, I know. 

With one part of my mind, I don't want to withdraw because I know that being around others will likely help lift my mood.  But the other part seizes any opportunity to not get out so I know I'm trying to withdraw into myself.  It takes a monumental effort to get dressed, let alone leave the house, and I've been clinging to any excuse to stay home. 

I should be at a super-awesome playdate right now.  My son loves this venue and I was actually looking forward to it all week because a bunch of my favorite people (not all though) were going.  The kiddo and I woke up a little late, but I figured we could still make it and have plenty of time to have fun.  So why am I at home blogging and not at the playdate? 

I couldn't get my printer to work to print out a BOGO coupon to the venue.  I wasn't even planning to use a coupon since I didn't know it existed until shortly before we were going to leave.  Then I started to rationalize that I shouldn't go unless I had the stupid fucking coupon.  Again, a coupon I didn't even know about until this very morning.  See what I mean about clinging to any excuse to stay home?

I think my husband is concerned because he nags me to get out every day with our son.  I don't think he understands just how hard it is for me right now.  My MIL has been nagging me to go to therapy to help process my feelings and grief.  I tried to explain to her that I just want to be alone and I don't think she understood.  I've been nagging myself that I might as well go back to work if I'm going to be such a lazy slob because my son deserves better, he deserves to have me the way I was before.

I tell myself that I just need some alone time, but that is in such short supply these days.  When my best friend and my grandmother died within three weeks of each other, I threw myself into my work.  But I also made good use of my commute to and from the office.  I screamed.  I yelled my head off.  If no one was around me at stop lights, I would throw my head back and howl out my pain with little regard to the tears coursing down my cheeks.  Sometimes I would pull over in an industrial area I drove through and alternately scream and cry.

Some people heal with quiet meditation, but I'm a screamer.  I think that primal screaming is a psychotherapuetic relic of 70s and 80s, but I find that having the freedom to shout  leaves me feeling refreshed.  It drains away tension and somehow quiets my mind.

So one stupid thing has wrecked my entire day. . .and all I want to do is scream out my pain and frustration.

1 comment:

  1. Just to clarify that third paragraph a little because it sounds confusing now that I've looked at it again: Everyone who was going today is a favorite friend, but some of my favorite friends weren't attending.

    The way it was originally written almost sounds like the friends attending weren't favorite friends and that's absolutely not what I meant. Does that make sense?

    October 8, 2010 9:41 PM