WARNING - WARNING - WARNING: This post is about as gross as yesterday's. See my disclaimer at the beginning of yesterday's post and decide if you're really prepared to continue reading. And, for pete's sake, if you are my brother, please stop reading now. I mean it, you big weirdo!
I think I have a tiny vaginey. I told you to quit reading, Big Brother!
Anyway, I'd love to claim authorship for that adorable-sounding turn of phrase, but the credit goes entirely to a crunchy mama friend. I broached the subject of Diva Cups while our little ones played at the park this morning. Yes, yes, I know that I'm a great conversationalist!
But really, who else would I be able to talk to about the Diva Cup? Crunchy mamas are the perfect choice because, between CDing and BFing, dealing with body functions in general don't bother them. Besides, I already knew that she uses the Diva and it was a good time to seek advice.
I explained the battle that has been on-going between my vadge and the Diva Cup. So far the Cup is winning, but only because I'm the muscle backing the Diva and my arms are much stronger than my vadge. At least, I'm assuming they are or my husband better keep a close watch on his wiener the next time we do some baby-dancing.
I bemoaned how difficult it is to insert and how exhausting it is to remove the damn thing. I explained the different ways I've folded it and the different ways I've attempted removal. It's painful no matter what I do and I think I've come to the conclusion that my Diva Cup is just too freaking big. She said, "You have a tiny vaginey." and I have to agree at this point. I always knew there was something my husband found absolutely irresistible about me!
I was given a choice between two sizes when ordering my Diva Cup. Size 1 is for the under-30 set who have never had children. Size 2 is for the over-30 set and women who have had children. Since I'm 29 (cough, cough) and I have had a child, I chose Size 2. It occurs to me now that, when given a choice between a large-sized vaginal product and a small-sized vaginal product, I always choose the smaller size.
On the plus side, I was finally able to get my Cup to spin tonight. I was so excited by this new development that I bent over, trying to see what was going on up there, but was unable to make visual identification. Of course, my vagina took advantage of my distraction and pulled the Cup further up so fast that I lost my hold on the stem. I want my vagina to have a victory, so I have decided to leave it alone for the rest of the evening.
Even with all the hassles, I'm not ready to give up on the Diva Cup. It's true that my downstairs aches and throbs after I've been fishing around in Aunt Flo's cozy cottage, but I suspect that even porn stars and chronic masturbators (two things I am not) would have trouble with this thing on the very first cycle. I'm willing to believe that this is just a very steep learning curve and that perhaps one day I'll find a way to manage insertion and removal without feeling like I've been violated. Please let tomorrow be that day!!