Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Day 2 with the Diva

WARNING - WARNING - WARNING: This post is about as gross as yesterday's. See my disclaimer at the beginning of yesterday's post and decide if you're really prepared to continue reading. And, for pete's sake, if you are my brother, please stop reading now. I mean it, you big weirdo!

I think I have a tiny vaginey. I told you to quit reading, Big Brother!

Anyway, I'd love to claim authorship for that adorable-sounding turn of phrase, but the credit goes entirely to a crunchy mama friend. I broached the subject of Diva Cups while our little ones played at the park this morning. Yes, yes, I know that I'm a great conversationalist!

But really, who else would I be able to talk to about the Diva Cup? Crunchy mamas are the perfect choice because, between CDing and BFing, dealing with body functions in general don't bother them. Besides, I already knew that she uses the Diva and it was a good time to seek advice.

I explained the battle that has been on-going between my vadge and the Diva Cup. So far the Cup is winning, but only because I'm the muscle backing the Diva and my arms are much stronger than my vadge. At least, I'm assuming they are or my husband better keep a close watch on his wiener the next time we do some baby-dancing.

I bemoaned how difficult it is to insert and how exhausting it is to remove the damn thing. I explained the different ways I've folded it and the different ways I've attempted removal. It's painful no matter what I do and I think I've come to the conclusion that my Diva Cup is just too freaking big. She said, "You have a tiny vaginey." and I have to agree at this point. I always knew there was something my husband found absolutely irresistible about me!

I was given a choice between two sizes when ordering my Diva Cup. Size 1 is for the under-30 set who have never had children. Size 2 is for the over-30 set and women who have had children. Since I'm 29 (cough, cough) and I have had a child, I chose Size 2. It occurs to me now that, when given a choice between a large-sized vaginal product and a small-sized vaginal product, I always choose the smaller size.

On the plus side, I was finally able to get my Cup to spin tonight. I was so excited by this new development that I bent over, trying to see what was going on up there, but was unable to make visual identification. Of course, my vagina took advantage of my distraction and pulled the Cup further up so fast that I lost my hold on the stem. I want my vagina to have a victory, so I have decided to leave it alone for the rest of the evening.

Even with all the hassles, I'm not ready to give up on the Diva Cup. It's true that my downstairs aches and throbs after I've been fishing around in Aunt Flo's cozy cottage, but I suspect that even porn stars and chronic masturbators (two things I am not) would have trouble with this thing on the very first cycle. I'm willing to believe that this is just a very steep learning curve and that perhaps one day I'll find a way to manage insertion and removal without feeling like I've been violated. Please let tomorrow be that day!!


  1. This is AWESOME, I LOVE that you are talking about this. I am LMAO, love your writing style too. I have been thinking about using one of these ever since I started cloth diapering. I just got my cycle back about 3 months ago (haven't had it since june 2007). I am very intimidated by it. What happens at Disneyland for example, if I need to empty it and I have my 2 year old watching my every move? Or does it last longer than a few hours before I have to empty it.

  2. (continued from above)

    - Though the Size 2 Diva Cup is for women who have had children and who are over age 30, I think my Size 2 Diva Cup is a little too big for me. I never experienced labor, dilation, or vaginal birth and I think this is why my Cup is too big.

    - Due to the size of the Cup and the size of my vagina, it is impossible for me to use the standard "c" fold and I have found that the "v" fold is far easier to insert.

    - Try to RELAX when inserting and removing. I clench up (if you know what I mean) and that is probably my biggest problem with the Cup.

    - I find it easiest to remove, wash & rinse, and reinsert while in the shower. I don't think that the shower works any special magic other than I enjoy being in a nice & warm shower. I also find that I am less likely to clench up when I'm in the shower.

    - I try to deal with my Cup when my kiddo is not around. He goes to bed at 7:00 pm, so I take my shower and deal with my Cup at that time. In the mornings, I make sure to deal with my Cup before I get him out of his room. I do it like this because I can't concentrate on what I'm trying to do if I'm trying to keep an eye on him too.

    - I have to concentrate on what I'm doing because I instinctively want to insert it vertically, like a tampon or like an Instead menstrual cup. The Diva Cup is inserted horizontally toward your tailbone. . .I know it doesn't make sense, but that's where it goes.

    Feel free to ask any specific questions that I haven't addressed and I hope this helps you make your decision!

  3. Lisa - Thank you so much for the kind compliment; I'm glad that you have been enjoying my blog!

    The Diva Cup can be very intimidating at first. The only reason I kept moving forward with it is because I spent $25 for it and I could't bring myself to just throw away that much money. Plus, I intentionally made sure that I had no other options (tampons, pads) to use in the house.

    Okay, now I'm going to get a little TMI here. You can wear the Diva Cup for up to 12-hours at a time. I usually do just that and empty, wash/rinse, and reinsert the Cup at 7:00 pm (after my shower) and 7:00 am. However, I always have one VERY HEAVY day of each cycle. On my very heavy day this month, I filled the Cup three times in six hours. Of course, most women aren't likely to experience such an incredibly heavy flow. I just plan to hang around the house on my heavy day, but I did the same with tampons because I'd soak through those within an hour on my heavy day.

    If you do try the Cup, here are some hints & tips that I've figured out over the last two cycles:

    - Plan to change the Cup for the first time while in the shower. Trust me, it can be pretty darn messy at first and you'll be thankful that you can just rinse everything down the drain.

    - To remove and empty the Cup while on the toilet, try to bear down a little and it makes it easier to grab the stem of the Cup. Make sure your legs are spread really wide and just empty the Cup directly in the toilet as you pull it out. No need to see the contents unless you want to.

    - Keep a dark-colored washcloth near the toilet to give yourself somewhere to put the not-yet-cleaned Cup while you finish on the toilet. I do laundry every night, so this really isn't as gross as it sounds.

    - Wear a pantyliner for at least your first cycle with a Cup. I found it difficult to get it placed properly and there was a little bit of leaking while I was learning.

    - Be sure to wash & thoroughly rinse your hands before pulling out your Cup. I mean, you're going to have to put your fingers in your vagina to pull it out so you want to make sure they are clean.

    - Be sure to wash & thoroughly rinse your Cup before you reinsert it. You do not want any soapy residue left on your Cup because it can be irritating.

    - Use warm water while washing your hands and your Cup. It seems like warm water makes the Cup somewhat more pliable and easier to fold for insertion.