Tuesday, September 21, 2010

The Dark Shadow Has Descended

This is a rare post where I hope that no one reading this can relate whatsoever.  Don't worry; I'm just in a dark place right now.  I know that I'll pop back up eventually and, in the meantime, I'm trying to fake it until I can make it.

At times in my life, I have felt like a dark shadow is smothering me.  My anguish has taken the form of this dark shadow.  Lightness and joy are blocked.  It rolls in and out like waves and I'm drowning in it right now.  I hope the tide turns soon.

I hate that darkness has returned to my life and brought horribly scary thoughts.  I can't bring myself to say just what things I've been mulling over today.  I keep trying to turn my mind to other things and it's hard because it feels like evil thoughts are being whispered directly in my ear.

I've been trying to put one foot in front of the other, but it was too hard to get up today.  I had a nearly sleepless night and I battled a migraine for around eight hours.  This darkness has been having its way with me for around 24-hours.  I feel drained.  I don't think anyone can possibly understand how I feel and that leaves me aching with loneliness.

My son is enrolled in a mommy & me pre-preschool that started today.  I couldn't bring myself to go.  Instead, I moped around the house.  Uncharacteristically, I didn't even bother to get out of jammies until around noon.  The weird thing is that I wasn't crying or anything, I simply didn't have the energy to do anything except what is required to care for my son.

I'm tired, but I can't sleep and I just lie on the bed while staring into space.  I'm hungry, but I can't eat and all but the most sweet or salty foods taste like ashes on my tongue.  I'm sad, but I can't cry and I often find myself shaking with silent sobs. 

I'm flat, dull.  I feel broken.  I know that one day I'll feel like myself and I'll be restored.  That day can't come soon enough. 


  1. Heather, I felt like that when my dad died in 1999. I worked at the local high school in San Jose but I had the summers off. He died in August. So the whole summer I had to deal with him dying long distance through his second wife (who my sister and I didn't like).

    Everyday when Uncle Chuck came home from work I would pour out my thoughts about the day and how it went. I always said I felt like drinking! It sure seemed like that would help. But I never did and that's a good thing. He could see how broken-hearted I was and always listened. That was a big help for me.

    It sounds like you are very broken hearted. Trust me when i say it will leave, but it takes a lot of time and patience. Don't get into bad habits. Give yourself a break but don't forget your son.

    It depends on each person as to how you start to recover because everyone is different. If you don't handle this with a healthy attitude it might take a long time. Your brother has passed on and you are left to deal with it. Treat yourself to special things once in awhile and focus on taking care of yourself and your family.

    Aunt Lorrie

  2. Thanks for sharing your kind words of wisdom and experience, Aunt Lorrie.

    I am heartbroken and, yes, it has taken significant effort to not try and drink my pain away. I know that liquor is not the answer, but I just want to be anaesthetized. Rest assured that I won't go that route because I have too many responsibilities.

    Some days are good, some days are bad. Yesterday was a pretty bad one, but today is okay. . .no tears yet so that seems like a good sign. Though I'll always miss him, I know that one day it won't hurt with this crushing pain. One day at a time, as it's said.


  3. I too have experienced this crushing pain when my Dad passed, when my Mom passed, and now when my Son has passed. I also felt a very real pain and darkness when I had to have my cat put to sleep. I know I shouldn't compare people to animals, but she was my furkid and she brought me such comfort in my life...when I was recovering from my physical problems, when you Dad was recovering from cancer and his problems with his legs, when my Mom passed, and now when my son has passed. I know it doesn't seem possible, but the hurt in your heart won't be so bad eventually. I am always here to comfort...if you will let me. Call me. Love, Mom