Mustache Wars

I've been chuckling the last few hours at the thought of John Stossel's mustache and Geraldo Rivera's mustache in a cage match against each other.  I know that it makes no sense, but they both have such awesome 'staches and I'm laughing like a maniac just writing this post.  I clearly watch too much news and I am a complete dork.

What other mustaches should participate in this hypothetical facial hair Battle Royale?  Tom Selleck would definitely be in the running.  Sam Elliott too.  I'll also suggest a '70s version of Burt Reynold's mustache.  Perhaps Ron Jeremy. 

Here's how I see the breakdown:  Ron Jeremy's mustache would be distracted by the sexy chick in the front row so he'd lose to Geraldo.  Geraldo, busily attention-whoring, wouldn't notice Stossel doing a expose on mustache weaknesses.  Stossel's 'stache would get run over by Bandit's Trans-Am - driven by Burt's lip broom, of course.  Reynolds' mustache, pondering why they can't make hair plugs for your upper lip, would be knocked out by Wade Garrett.  He is, after all, the best known cooler in the business.  Why, yes, I did just make a blatant Roadhouse reference.  That leaves us with Sam Elliott versus Tom Selleck. 

My husband is in agreement with me that Sam Elliott would win in this ultimate mustache battle.  That rugged son-of-a-gun would school Tom Selleck.  Selleck, of course, would probably be too dang busy admiring his fabulous facial hair to give a hoot about this silly contest.

Do you have an opinion on this weighty matter?  Please share!