Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Year of Tears

I know you're thinking that it's a bummer that I'm back to what has become my regularly scheduled grief posts, but just be happy that I'm not talking about my period.

I believe that you need a full year to handle many transitions in life.  I think it's important to date at least one year before thinking of getting married.  I think it's smart to be married at least a year before you think about adding a child to the mix.  And I think it's necessary to spend a year moving through the grief process before you're able to get much in the way of healing. 

That last line was highlighted for me in the year I spent after the deaths of my best friend and my grandmother.  They died within three weeks of each other in 2006.  To say that it was a very dark and difficult time would be an understatement.  I didn't always handle it well, but I did the best I could while still allowing myself time to wallow in my grief.

I handled the aforementioned deaths by throwing myself at my work.  I no longer work for wages and, unlike time spent in my old office, I can totally get away with crying while doing housework.  My brother's unexpected passing is far more painful and I feel the loss much deeper so I expect to feel this sadness for a  longer period.  Unfortunately, I don't have the luxury of time because my son deserves to have his happy mama back and my tears really freak out the little guy.  I don't know how I'm going to move beyond this grief, but I know that I'll have to do it somewhat quicker than I'd prefer.

I'm not saying that I won't cry again for my missing brother, but I'm also not saying that I'll cry every single day.  Since my brother died three weeks ago, there has been exactly one day that I did not cry once.  Though I'm currently back in denial ("This can't be" and "I'll really never see/talk to him again?"), I think that I'm making good progress with my grief.

Some days will be good, some will be hard.  His birthday is coming up next month and that will be a really bad day.  But eventually, one day in the future, I'll simply be thankful that I was lucky enough to have a wonderful big brother and I won't feel a sharp pang when I think of him.

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