Saturday, September 11, 2010

Wasted Time

There are many stages of grief and I am in Anger right now.  I'm so damned angry that I can hardly see straight.  The weird thing is that I'm not angry at God or anyone who had anything to do with my brother's death.  I'm angry at entirely different people for a completely illogical reason.  But I am angry nonetheless.

Save our honeymoon and business-related trips, my husband and I have only gone to the exact same  destination for every vacation we have taken in the last seven years.  The way I see it now, that makes several of my vacations that weren't spent with my loved ones.  You know who I mean by "loved ones," right? 

Loved ones are family members who actually demonstrate genuine love and care toward each other.  Family members aren't snakes in the grass, looking to strike whenever they think they have an opportunity.  Family members aren't ugly toward each other and don't spew forth venom from their forked tongues.  The loved ones who I specifically wish that I had spent my vacations with for the last seven years are my family members who have passed away - my Grandmother and my brother. 

But every fucking time we were able to take a vacation, we spent it in the same bullshit destination.  Do I sound angry?  Bitter?  I am angry.  And I sure as heck am bitter.

Things have happened in this last year that essentially freed up our vacations forever.  We were free to go wherever we wanted for vacation.  My husband and I were talking about going to New Jersey this year to see my brother and his family.  Thanks to never-ending bullshit at home, we never made it to New Jersey.  We never spent the time with my brother and his family.  And now my only brother is dead. 

My only brother is dead and we never spent our vacation with him.  I missed out on fun times with family who actually loved and cared about me.  For that, I place the blame solely at the feet of those people who I was always obligated to spend my vacation with these last seven years. 

I am furious that I wasted my valuable vacation time with people who, as it turns out, weren't even worthy of me on any level.  Since they revealed their true nasty selves via their own poison-penned e-mail to me, I can say that they never should have been given my time or effort.  I just have no space in my heart for such cruel and evil people.

Like bandits in the night, they stole my time.  They are the worst kind of black-hearted thieves.  They stole the one thing that is irreplaceable.  My time.  Even worse, they stole my time from people who I can no longer spend my time with. 

I could have spent my time with people who were part of my genuine, kind-hearted, loving family.  You know, people who actually behave like family members should toward each other.  But I was obligated elsewhere with people who, as it turns out, are not the same quality of person and that is chewing me up inside.

I burn with a hot fury toward those thieves who stole my time.  And I am enraged that good and honest people like my Grandmother and my brother are gone.  Why is it that the best kind of people are always gone too soon?

I'd like to say that I will never forgive those people for the valuable time they stole from me, but that's just not who I am.  I know I'll forgive them one day.  But I will never forget their lies and their vile accusations toward people who are blameless and innocent.

I know that anger and bitterness do not suit anybody and they certainly aren't emotions that I want to hold.  I have felt nothing but vomit rising since being cloaked in this fury.  I feel like I am going to explode at any moment, my emotions are leaving me quivering with cold rage as I type this post.

I want to scream, shout, punch, and kick.  I want to claw at myself and physically punish someone, anyone.  I want to run, run so far away from all of this.  I feel like I'm going to crack from this pressure.  Please join my prayer that I am free from this stage of grief soon.  I don't even care if I go back to denial, I just have to release this blinding fury and bitterness from my own heart and get wrapped up in peace.

No comments:

Post a Comment